eh

i'm sure you've all been dying to know where i've been, why i'm not blogging, making snarky comments or pithy observations.

the answer is: i don't know.  i'm a bit overwhelmed recently.  i have had ongoing issues with a relative that revolve around my mother's death that make me cry just about every day.  it's very hard for me to believe i'm letting someone have this kind of control over me, but i feel helpless against it.

i am still trying to pack up mom's stuff and tie up those loose ends.  this is hard, since i hate going into her bedroom because it still smells like her.

i have treated myself by booking a weekend to new york to see my family.  it's revbobdad's birthday, and i had tons of points racked up, so it cost me $5 for a round trip ticket from orlando to jfk.  awesome husband will stay home and wrangle the cats.

and we've decided to take a cruise in march.  not telling you when, since this is a public blog and i don't want you all coming over and partying while we're gone.  but it will be nice to get away from this house and not have to do anything but drink in the sun for a few days.

other than that, just trying to figure out how to handle this relative, pack up this house, and get the fuck out of central florida.  i cannot wait to move back to new york and be surrounded by family and friends who love me and care about me.

not that you guys don't do that.  and not that the few friends i have in florida don't.  but really, none of them compare to my brother.  i know, it sounds sappy and lame.  but he's my bestie and i miss him dearly.

now i have to work in a few minutes, so i'm going to tarzipan up and get to it.  hope to have an actual post up within the next couple of days.  thanks for sticking it out with me.

there comes a time when you lose faith in what you have inside

now, don't get all 'zomg steph gas, are you okay??!?  what's with the cryptic blog title??' because it's a line from a song i'm listening to right now and kind of feels right, you know?  i'm very big on stream of consciousness blogging. 

i'll get a little deep on you though: doesn't everyone lose faith in what they have inside at some point?  faith is a belief that is not based on fact.  if you've studied christianity and remember your catechism at all, you'll know that faith is trust in the promises of god.  promises that have no tangible evidence.  you may have faith in another person; a belief that they will do or accomplish something - without a basis of proof.

so what is having faith in what you have inside?  is it having faith in yourself - is it believing that you can accomplish things without any factual evidence that you can?  or is it faith in what you believe, a faith that you have the right morals and ideals?  or could it be actually faith in what you are, who you are - faith in all the things you have inside that add up to WHO YOU ARE.  let's break it down: first example would be me having faith that i can finish college, when all evidence from the past actually points to the exact opposite outcome.  second example would be my belief that my morals and ideals - the lifestyle or doctrine that i follow - is right for me.  third example would be me having faith that i can be who i am, with all my faults and flaws.

true, true, false.

there comes a time when you lose faith in what you have inside, to me, means there comes a time when you lose faith in what you are.  not hands and eyes and heart and brain, but emotions and love and anger and batshit craziness.  there comes a time when you wonder things like am i able to love, be loved?  why can't i be normal?  how can i control this rage inside me?  why do i always feel sad - WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

we have all felt that at some point, i know.  the 'what's wrong with me' and 'why can't i be right or normal'.  whether it was a point of low self-esteem in junior high or a daily struggle through adulthood, that thought is us losing faith in what we have inside.  it's more than just not having faith in yourself and that you can accomplish things, it's more than having faith in a higher power or system or whatever that gives you your morals and ideals.  it's about not having faith in the things that make you you.  it's thinking that no one else can love you because NO ONE HAS BEFORE - that's not faith in another person to accept you, it's different.  it's believing that there is something intrinsically wrong with you and thinking that no one can love you and it's your fault.

i have faith in awesome husband that he loves me, and will protect me, care for me, and be with me for as long as our love shall last.  but i need to rediscover that faith in what i have inside that is lovable.  he doesn't love me because i have dd cups or a buddha belly, or because of my piercings or tattoos.  he doesn't take care of me because he has to, or because we both like family guy and mel brooks movies.  awesome husband loves me because of what i have inside.

and many days, i lose faith in what i have inside.  i can't understand why awesome husband loves me, why semi true torystellar keeps talking to me, why my best friend from high school is still here for me after all these fucking years. 

it's because they have faith that i will rediscover what i have inside.  they don't care that i don't believe it some days because they KNOW IT IS TRUE.

and i'm thankful and blessed and lucky as hell to have these people in my life.  people who know what i have inside is true and good, regardless of the people who have told me different or who didn't have faith in me or whose sole intention was to hurt me and break my faith down.  people who don't verbally remind me what i have inside, but show me time and time again why i should have faith in what i have inside.

there comes a time when you lose faith in what you have inside.  but if you are lucky, there are a few people around you who know what you have inside.  and they are the ones who help rekindle that flame, who help you to remember what you have inside.