sick end to a good weekend

i called into work for the first time since i was hired in april today and i'm trying not to beat myself up over it.  self-care is very important, it's imperative, and i have to remember that.

i also called out of therapy which is kind of stupid because i can always use therapy but i'm just so nauseous.  i was up a few times overnight feeling like i had to vomit and i never did.  like right now i'm kind of hungry but the nausea keeps coming and going so i'm like terrified to eat.

had a great weekend with awesome husband @_antgas.  we went to new york city on saturday to see a broadway show - our first together, his first ever (i've only seen one other - les mis - like decades ago).  we drove to my dad's office in queens and left the car there, then took a subway to manhattan and walked up into the middle of times square.  was pretty cool - i'm not sure i've ever done that before (not that i remember, so i may have done it and been stoned or something).  we walked a few blocks to the theatre and it was such a good show.  @_antgas wanted to see this show, he kept mentioning it when we'd see commercials, so i got him tickets for the holidays.  we then went back to queens and had dinner at one of our favorite queens diners with my dad.  yum.

it was pretty easy so we're thinking about going back to the city on a sort of regular basis.  i used to bitch all the time that i hated going into the city because it was expensive and annoying and ugh.  but it was fun.  and i found out about this place that you can go in the morning and get heavily discounted tickets to broadway shows.  you kind of have to take what they have available, but it might be fun to just go see other shows. 

i used to put photos on my blog but it's kind of a pain in the ass with all the watermarking and uploading and ugh.  plus i post on instagram all the time.  so if you want to know what's going on in my life without all the wordy bullshit, follow me on instagram at - you guessed it - @stephgas.  it's mostly me and cats and body positive crap so, you know.  it's fun.

insert witty blog title here

i want to write, but i'm not coming up with anything good to title this random blog of crap.  so tough titties.  apparently i'm not going to be witty today.

piglet seems to be doing better.  she's active, and eating, and stepping on me with her pointy feet, and following me around relentlessly until i tell her to stay put and leave me alone.  so, back to normal.  i'm going pet food shopping today to switch up their food again.  i love love love the grain-free ingredient list of what i'm currently feeding, but the calorie count is really low.  i think i can find something close to as good with minimal grains and more calories.  and she's ready to go back on kibble starting today - which is excellent.  because we've been feeding her nighttime snack wet food on our bedroom floor.  and i don't know if it's a cat-eating-on-carpet thing or a new piglet-has-no-canines thing but she's a messy wet food eater now.  very messy.  i'm hoping to put all three cats on wet food breakfast and midday feeding, then kibbles for nighttime snack before bed.

i'm sad that i haven't been cross stitching recently but i've been doing other things.  i've picked up a few books about recovery and psychology and shit, so i've been reading.  one is about healing your inner child.  it's already very powerful and i think it will be useful, not just for me but in my counseling.  i also got a cute little book of daily affirmation things for recovery.  i'll use that in groups i think.  and i finished my positivity jar the other day!

positivity jar for work.  full of POSITIVITY!

i first collected five pages of positive affirmations.  some are for recovery, some are for self-worth and self-love, all are positive and applicable to anyone.  then i formatted them to be roughly the same size, like a largish return address label.  then i cut pretty scrapbook paper to 8.5x12" and reset the margins, then printed the affirmations one page at a time.  i used that cutting pad and a rotary cutter to cut each affirmation, folded each in half, and tossed them in the jar.  i used one of the scrapbook papers to cover the top part of the mason jar so it's pretty.  i'm considering seeing if any of my crafty friends have a cricut and could be commissioned into making a nice vinyl cling to put on the jar.  i plan on keeping this on my desk and when someone is having a particularly shitty day, they can get some positivity.  another idea is to bring it into group and pass it around, having everyone choose one and discuss it.  

i also bought another mason jar that i'm going to paint black on the inside (maybe with some glitter, who knows?) for negative thoughts.  i found a notepad with neon colored pages about 3"x5" that i'm going to have people write negative crap on, fold it up, and put it in that jar.  when i was in high school, we had a woman who ran the bookstore that we called 'mom'.  she was amazing and empathetic and loving and caring.  she truly cared about each of us, everyone in that school.  some of us gravitated toward her and spent a lot of time with her.  one day mom emptied out the bottom drawer of her desk and started having us write stupid shit that we needed to let go on her cube pad of neon paper.  we'd even draw little pictures sometimes.  then we'd fold it up and dump it in that drawer.  once it was in that drawer, that was it - we had to leave it there and let it go.  we went through that drawer when we were graduating high school, and it was ridiculous the types of shit we were going to hold on to.  i'm hoping to recreate that with this jar.  in recovery, we talk about recognizing what we can and cannot control, and letting go of what we can't control.  this is a tangible exercise in that.  i think.  

awesome husband @_antgas and i went to a local organic farm last weekend to meet baby animals.  i was kind of bummed that there were only a few baby animals - chicks and a lamb - but there were also alpaca.  which were neat.  but distracted.

@_antgas and the alpaca.  who was watching other things.

i pet a lamb! it was completely unconcerned with us and had a one track mind for nibbling.

then we stopped at another farm famous for it's pies.  @_antgas got a peach pie and we got some cookies.  i don't like peach pie, but he enjoyed it.  (not all of it, we shared with his parents and grandma.)

and then a couple of weeks ago i broke down and cooked meat.  i mentioned 'pot roast' once to awesome husband @_antgas and he couldn't get it out of his mind apparently.  i bought a huge pot roast, enough for dinner and lunch for him for the entire week.  i made it and it was fucking delicious and i felt horrible touching and cooking meat.  but it was worth it.  i'm still sticking to my roughly 90% vegetarian lifestyle (i don't like labels and i like freedom to eat whatever the fuck i want) but i haven't had my mom's pot roast in a very, very long time.  the gravy wasn't as thick as i'd have liked, but it's been years since i've tried to make gravy so i was pretty pleased with it all around.

um, yum.

and then i picked up a bookcase from craigslist.  it was $15 and it's not real wood but it was $15.  i'm going to prime it and paint it and use it in my office.  i'm thinking of trying to take the back off and wrap it in fabric or line it with scrapbook paper.  or i might paint the insides one color and the outside another.  or something else i find on pinterest that ruins life for me.

so, life has been good.  i'm going to be a paid counselor as of monday.  the cats are doing well.  i'm feeing okay emotionally.  still in a lot of pain rheumatoid disease wise.  the humira doesn't seem to be helping at all.  yet.  it's only been about 3 weeks, so we'll see.  hopefully it starts to work.  and hopefully it works well and i won't have a lot of pain and i'll be comfortable again.

diy post! prettify your stupid old knife block!

it's that time again!  another DIY post.  awesome husband @_antgas and i got married about nine and a half years ago.  ten years ago this spring/summer, we were getting our bridal shower gifts.  i registered for my first set of knives, and they've served me pretty well.  a set of calphalon knives with a useless sharpener and one of those big forks you only use when carving meat.  which i never do any more.  but still.  

it's definitely seen better days.  it has little chips and marks where i stabbed it unceremoniously trying to place a knife back in it's little home slot.  it's been exposed to water and oil and yuck.  while perusing the interwebz looking for ideas for a craft party i'm hosting (yup, that's happening too) i came across painted or refinished or decorated knife blocks.  DING! went the bell in my head.  i can do that and make it SO BRIGHT to fit in my ridiculously colored kitchen.  i made a list of crap i needed and had awesome husband @_antgas on hand for elbow grease (well, hand grease because my hands aren't doing so well) and off i went....

so first i had @_antgas remove this little metal plate thingy on the front of the knife block.  we realized we'd need wood filler for the screw hole thingies, along with sand paper, spray paint, and clear polyurethane.  so off to the craft stores we went... (now i know that i can get the paints cheaper at the home depot or lowes.  which i'll do if i ever spray paint craft again.  which i probably will because it was fun and easy).

you will need:

1. your old knife block.  or someone's old knife block, preferably with their permission.  or thrift one.  
2. wood filler if you have teensy holes to fill in.  some people online used spackle too, but i wanted to get wood filler because we have another potential project in mind that will require wood filler.
3. whatever color spray paint you're interested in using.  i like krylon - we've used it before and have always had good results with it.
4. clear polyurethane to help seal it and protect it from water and other damage.
5. sandpaper - we got a packet at the craft store that had three grades.  i threw out the packet, but i think it hat 60, 100, and 150 from roughest to finest.

so this is what my newly cleaned and naked knife block looked like after awesome husband @_antgas removed the calphalon plate on the front.  i wiped it down with a mild solution of water and vinegar to remove all the grease and dirt and whatnot.  

i smushed a bunch of wood filler in the holes and smoothed it as best as i could.  wait until it's safe to sand and paint - the info for that should be on the packaging of whatever wood filler you choose.

sand the entire thing down, starting with the roughest sandpaper.  the 60 grade was perfect for getting off whatever old sealer stuff was on there and helped smooth out the area where the metal plate was.  because my hands and fingers were not cooperating this day, i had @_antgas help sand it all down.  we sanded all the areas we planned to paint and paid special attention to the rounded edges.  i wiped it down with a damp rag between each grade of sand paper to get rid of all the dust.

all sanded down and ready to go!  run your hands over all of it to make sure there aren't any rough spots, hard edges, whatever.  it should be nice and smooth.  be sure it's free of dust before you paint.

at this point you can prime.  if you have a darker wood or are painting with a light color, priming would be a good idea.  you can buy a spray primer or use a canned primer.  if you use a canned one, i'd apply it with a sponge brush.  after priming you may want to sand it a little more to make sure the brush strokes are not obvious.

set your shit up outside.  spray paint smells A LOT and can be super bad for your lungs.  if you have a well-ventilated garage, feel free to paint in there.  we set up some old magazine stuff on the patio and spray painted out there. i may or may not have gotten a bit of orange on the patio.  i'm sure it will come off..... eventually.

a few things about spray paint:  don't do it when it's too cold or too hot.  don't do it when it's super humid.  this can cause the paint to run or not dry/cure properly.  hold the can 6-8 inches from the item and use short, sweeping motions.  all of this crap is listed right on the back of your can, so, you know.  read it.  i didn't worry too much about spraying IN the slots or holes; you won't see that.  and we didn't paint the bottom for the same (obvious) reason.

read your polyurethane too and make sure the paint is dry enough to seal.  do the same thing - outside, well-ventilated, sweeping motions, etc.

i let mine sit for two days before putting anything back in it to make sure it was cured enough that the knife handles sitting on the wood face wouldn't damage or nick or imprint or anything.

then just this morning, i put all my sharp things back in my knife block and put it back in its home on the counter.  and i love it!  it's so bright and looks great.  the color is krylon bauhaus gold.  it's orange yellow, not too orange but not straight yellow.

i love having bright colors.  i have a yellow mini keurig, poppy red paper towel holder, a red kitchen aid stand mixer, and now this.  i'm already planning on replacing my old and worn toaster oven with something spectacular.

some of the other tutorials i saw online had people putting little decorations or monograms or designs on the knife block.  i couldn't really find a stencil i liked and i didn't want to put something 3d on it.  i figure if i come across something i would like to stencil on, i can do it whenever and just put another coat of polyurethane on it.

if you have done this or do it, share!  let us know how it came out and if you have any other tips or tricks on upcycling stuff from the kitchen.

honesty is such a lonely word.

i had written this as part of a journal i'm keeping mostly related to my rheumatoid disease diagnosis.  no one on that website knows me in real life, unlike people who read this blog.  it's an easy way for me to write without worrying about what people i care for might think.  and it's turned into a good way to hide.   this entry is day ninety four since my diagnosis.  it seems like so much longer in so many ways; i don't remember what it's like to wake up without pain.  i don't remember what it's like to be able to go to the mall without having trouble walking around.  i don't remember what it's like to just sit still, reading or watching a movie, and not be in pain - even though i'm not moving.

i went to a psychologist for the first time in almost a decade yesterday.  i'm recognizing things in my life and thoughts that i do not like.  i have often glossed over some of my disordered eating, but over the past week i have spent more time thinking about food than i have spent thinking about anything else.  i think back to the days i was counting calories - how obsessive i would become.  save these breakfast calories so i can drink tonight.  save these lunch calories so i can go out to dinner later.  save calories every day this week so i can binge drink this weekend.  i don't drink any more, but neither do i count calories.  it becomes an obsession for me, counting calories in and out.  trying to determine exactly how many calories i've burned today - so i can have a bit more food and stay within my calorie goal.  

my behaviors vacillate back and forth, sometimes similar to an anorexic's behavior, sometimes similar to a bulimic.  i saw an episode of 'my strange addiction' where the girl took so many laxatives - common for some anorexic people.  i started wondering if that would work for me.  i scared myself.  i think i have a problem.

as billy joel wrote, 'honesty is such a lonely word'.  if i'm only honest with myself, how can i get help?

because aunt motherfucking becky said so.

according to aunt motherfucking becky, i'm apparently supposed to do things like this near new year's day.  i'll do it now, and i might even post something serious and introspective later.  

or not.  or maybe photos of my cats.  maybe.  we'll see.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

worked for free.  as an intern.  i love the experience, but i really really miss the paycheck.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i don't do resolutions.  i think it's setting myself up for failure.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

....it's hard to define 'close'.  family or close friends?  nope.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?

let's see... 2013.... nope, no one that close to me died.  

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

a job in my chosen career field with a paycheck.

6. What countries did you visit?

new jersey.  wait.  i didn't leave the country this year.  

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

ummmmm...... hmph.  maybe the day i quit my well-paying desk job to make no money in my chosen field?  maybe the day i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis?  maybe the first day i took chemotherapy.  that might be it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

not going back to a paying desk job and staying in school.  

also, completing another year NOT seeing 'two girls, one cup'.  regardless of how many time awesome husband @_antgas tries to get me to see it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

fuck failure.  i try to look at everything as a learning experience.  but i did fuck up a dozen cookies.  i tried to make them bigger.  not a good idea.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

hahahahahahahaha.  yes.  

11. What was the best thing you bought?

i just treated myself to my second coach bag of the year.  i spend money on dumb things.  but i also bought myself a heated blanket.  yum.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

mine for not killing stupid fucking asshats?  does that count?  also, awesome husband @_antgas for putting up with my shenanigans for another year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

people in general.  they are quite often asshats.  also, men who think women dressing a certain way means she should be raped.  that kind of reddit crap.

14. Where did most of your money go?

i don't make a lot of money.  awesome husband @_antgas shares with me.  most of it goes to rent and food and car payments... you know. living expenses.  and some to cats and medication.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

that one of my oldest, bestest friends lent me her citi card to get billy joel tickets for next march.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

meh.  'summertime sadness' by lana del ray because i still can't get it out of my damn head.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? ....happier?

ii. thinner or fatter? no change.

iii. richer or poorer? poorer. see: 1, 5, 7.  poorer.  

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

stayed positive?  i don't know.  

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

worrying.  worrying and being anxious and whatnot.  crap.

20. How will you be did you spending Christmas?

woke up earlyish and made waffles, brunch squares (like quiche), bacon, veggie sausage, and cinnamon rolls for awesome husband, my dad, my brother, sisterfromanothermister, and her mom.  they came over to open presents and whatnot.  then we went to my inlaws for a couple of hours where people coughed near me and i lost my damn mind, then went to my dad's brother's house and visited with that side of the family where no one coughed near me.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

i'll answer the 21 that aunt becky came up with.

21. Why does the term “designer drugs” conjure up an image of a bunch of pills hanging out wearing tiny Chanel and Prada clothing and snappy accessories?

it really doesn't to me.  i think more of ecstasy and club drugs and the like.  but i like the idea of pills wearing prada.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?

i've been married for almost a decade and banging the same guy since 1997.  i don't know if this is an appropriate answer, but this is what you get.  

23. How many one-night stands?

really?  see above.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

the walking dead maybe.  i really like bob's burgers too.  and cartoons in general.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

hate is a wasted emotion.  i'm not going to waste my energy hating people.  stupid.

26. What was the best book you read?

'dad is fat' by jim gaffigan.  hahaha.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

ergh, what?

28. What did you want and get?

i mostly get what i want.  that sounds bitchy, but if i really want something, like REALLY, i work to find a way to get it.  like playstation 4.  we wanted it, we found a way to get it.  boom.  QED.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

harry potter?  does that still count?  i have no idea when it came out.  but i haven't seen a movie in the theater in a long time.  we did see 'jurassic park 3d' when it came out.  i think that might have been this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

i think maybe we went out to dinner?  no idea.  and i was 32 and 33 on my last birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not sure.  i try to be happy with what i have.  it's not easy but i'm trying.  so stop asking annoying questions like that.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

my what?  i don't know.  i'm not 15.  or a model.

34. What kept you sane?

pills.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

well i still quite fancy nigella lawson.  she's HAWT.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

hahahahahahahaha 

37. Who did you miss?

my mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

i don't really know.  trying to think of new people i met this year.  it's kind of a blur.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:

life.  loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.  

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year (because this Meme is apparently written for tweens):

really?  i'm not a 16 year old girl suffering her first broken heart.  i'm starting to regret ever listening to aunt motherfucking becky and doing this. 

good thing i'm done.  so, do this if you want and link back to me or whatever.  or don't do it.  i'll live with the rejection.

a continuing whirlwind of slowness and crap

i know, it's a stupid title.  i can't always be witty and awesome.

well, i can.  and i am.  but i'm just not really putting in the effort right now.

my leg is *still* swollen, but i've been able to like, you know.  walk around.  a bit.  it still hurts.  i'm shocked that a damn tattoo can cause this kind of problem for this length of time.  i've put myself on prednisone to see if it helps (it really hasn't) so i'm going to taper off that again.  it hasn't really helped my RA either.  hmm.

now tuesday i had an appointment with my rheumy.  she said my hands and fingers were A LOT more swollen than last time.  oh, okay.  i guess because i see them every day, i don't notice it.  she said that means the RA is progressing.  i told her the pain and everything was still there.  so she decided to up my methotrexate (the chemo medication) and prep me to add a biologic next month.  you see the commercials for biologics on television: enbrel, humira, etc.  that's freaking me out a little.  but we'll figure it out.

then my paid job turned to an unpaid internship.  the organization that hired me is willing to let me do my internship there but internships are not paid.  it's good that i'll still be working there and getting my hours in and whatever, but i kind of wanted a job.  i do have an interview for a per diem counseling job, so that might help.

i really wish i had funny or insightful things to say.  i don't.  i've been pretty lame for a couple of weeks.  i've been really headachy and still fatigued and tired and now this past week my leg has been, ugh.  just horrible.  so i don't want to do anything.

awesome husband @_antgas and i have the entire weekend off together with minimal plans - dinner with his parents one night.  that's it.  i'm really looking forward to that.  just a bunch of down time.  hopefully my leg stops hurting and we can snuggle or something.

wool dryer balls!

i know! it's exciting!  i've been working on these for a few weeks and i think they've finally felted.

it's okay, i didn't know what 'felting' was either.  until i made wool dryer balls.

sounds strange, right?  i stopped using dryer sheets and static cling was becoming an issue with some items.  adding plastic balls (shaped like hedgehogs) helps dry clothes faster, but it's possible for chemicals to leach out.  wool dryer balls help both: they tumble around and help your clothes dry faster, and they help cut down static.  because they absorb some of the moisture and release it into the dryer, they help keep the humidity higher, which reduces static*.

*or so i'm told.  i'm not a scientist or whatever field would understand this.  it just is.

it cost me $7 to buy enough wool for six dryer balls (wool yarn was on sale!).  you can also use a secondhand sweater or afghan - be sure it's 100% wool yarn and unravel it.

it's going to be photo heavy.  mostly because there's not, like, real instructions.  so enjoy!

start with a skein of wool yarn.  or however you have your wool yarn.  it has to be wool.  i chose this multicolored wool yarn.  i think it's purdy.

wrap it around your fingers a few times, as shown.

take the yarn off your fingers and wrap some yarn around the middle, making it look like a little bow!

fold it in half or smash it together or whatever and start wrapping the yarn around to make a teensy ball.

guess what - keep wrapping.  it makes a bigger ball!  keep going and going....

apparently, cartoons are correct.  cats do like yarn.  jake was very interested in what i was doing. 

he was enjoying the yarn.  he got his fang stuck in it.  it was cute.

so this is about the size you want.  i got three balls from each skein of wool yarn.  stick the end of the yarn back in the ball, or secure it under a few strands.  whatever you want.

get an old knee high or the leg of an old pair of pantyhose.  put the finished ball in the toe and tie an knot.
   

make three more balls (or however many) and add those to the knee high/pantyhose.  tie a knot after each, so each dryer ball has its own little nylon coat.  or whatever. 

i made three dryer balls in this color too.  very fall.

so here you see all six dryer balls in my old knee high.  the knee high/pantyhose helps keep the yarn together for the next step.

continue to allow a cat to play with the wool yarn dryer balls.  jake was confused.

so at this point, you'll have your wool yarn in balls.  like a little smaller than a tennis ball, i would say.  once the balls are in their nylon coats, you're going to want to wash and dry them.

i hear you - you can't wash and dry wool!  that's the point here.  we're trying to felt the wool yarn.  wash the knee high full of wool dryer balls in HOT water (i washed with my towels and sheets) and then dry them on HIGH (dried them with my towels).

some reviews online said you only had to wash/dry them once to felt them.  felting them kind of makes the yarn melt into itself, so each strand is like attached to another strand.  it won't unravel (ideally).  and that's why each ball is in a knee high - to keep it intact and from unraveling during the felting process.

now, i didn't think they had really 'felted' after one wash.  i ended up washing them three or four times in hot water and drying them on high heat.  each strand of yarn is kind of attached to another strand, but they're not totally felted.  i have washed/dried them with clothes already, and there was no unraveling.

after three or four trips through the laundromat, i have new dryer balls!

you can still see each individual strand of yarn, but if you felt it, it feels pretty smooth.  like, if you really wanted to, you could dig your fingernail under a strand and separate it, but don't do that.  the more they are washed in water and dried in the dryer, they will felt more.

you can kind of see on this one that the strands are more melded together.  

the more i use these, the more they will felt.  online comments from other bloggers show that these can last YEARS.  if you like some scent in your dried clothes, some people add a few drops of essential oil to the wool dryer ball.  i'm not doing that because i have scent added to my HOMEMADE LAUNDRY SOAP!  which you'll learn about soon enough.  it's almost time to make another batch.

so now you can stop using dryer sheets.  they do nothing but coat your clothing with chemicals, coat the inside of your dryer, and fill landfills.  these are economical and green and fun.  now, i still have a little static with some poly-blends, but i've taken to line drying most of them (i don't have a lot of stuff like that).  oh, and instead of using fabric softener - vinegar.  i just dump in about 1/8 of a cup of white vinegar into the softener compartment for each load.  it helps rinse out the soap and other contaminants and, if you own your washing machine, it will help keep it clean and fresh.  and your clothes will not smell at all like vinegar.

let me know if you make them and if you love them! and please, feel free to pin the hell out of any of my DIY or recipes.  follow me on pinterest!  i'm on tumblr now, too.  i haven't added buttons about that yet.  because.  i just haven't.

positivity?

it's so hard to remain positive sometimes.

you may remember in one of my recent blog entries i talked a little about being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis - RA.  i was happy and sad about being diagnosed.  happy because now we know what's wrong with me and can try to treat it to alleviate the symptoms.  sad because i don't want to be on an immune suppressor forever.  or even not forever.

now that my rheumy knows how advanced my RA is thanks to the ultrasound, she wanted to start me on medication.  we discussed it on friday over the phone.  i'm going to take methotrexate and a folic acid supplement.  she also warned me to use two forms of contraception because you do NOT want to get pregnant on methotrexate (i let her know that isn't a problem any longer).  dr. rheumy called in the prescriptions and i figured i'd pick them up on saturday.  just didn't feel like it on friday.

of course, i started googling things.  and i probably shouldn't have.  but i found out that methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug.  it's used to treat people with cancer.  it's a cancer drug.  do you get it?  because i didn't at first.  i kept checking other websites, thinking that one must be wrong.

it's.  a.  chemo.  drug.

i started checking some RA message boards to find out people's experiences with methotrexate.  people on a lower/similar does than i'm going to take have lost their hair.

i kept searching for info.  i found an excellent website called RA warrior.  with an info page that says the day you're diagnosed with RA, your mortality risk doubles.  it also says that studies show people with RA have a 10-15 year SHORTER lifespan.

so, i was starting to get a little depressed.  i mean, more than normal.

i knew that RA was a serious disease, but i thought it was just, like, a disease.  like you take pills and you exercise and everything will be fine.  i didn't think that it was this far reaching.

i should have.  it's an AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE.  yes, RA specifically seems to attack the joints.  but it's your own immune system attacking your body.  other body parts can be involved; it is a whole-body disease.

i'm terrified of taking my first dose.  i was thinking about putting it off indefinitely.  i thought about going and getting rip roaring drunk tonight and then taking the pills another day (i haven't drank in almost 9 months).  i thought about saying 'fuck it' and just dealing with it.

until awesome husband @_antgas said something along the lines of 'and be in a wheelchair by the time you're 40'.

oh, well then.  good point, i suppose.

so after the walking dead premier tonight (if i make it through it because i've been quite sleepy) i'll be taking my first dose of methotrexate.  i'm trying to stay positive and trying to focus on the good, but it's been pretty hard.  most people say the first day or two (or four for some people) after taking the methotrexate are bad - it's hard to get out of bed, eat, bathe, anything.  here's hoping it's not too bad for me.  maybe the worrying will be worse than the actual side effects.

you want yummy? you want black beans & rice.

i've had all these great plans for blogs.  blogging about food.  blogging about things i'm making.  sharing recipes for things.  i even took a fuckton of pictures for one of the blogs.  and of course, the thing i made didn't come out right *YET* so i can't do that blog until i get an acceptable finished photo.

so instead, i thought i'd share my recipe for black beans & rice.  i have a crock pot full simmering right now, and it's easy enough that it doesn't need a ton of photos.  and it's really hard to screw up.  but it's yummy as all hell.

i use a 3.5 quart programmable cuisinart slow cooker, which is perfect for most meals i make.  slow cookers work best when 1/2-3/4 full.  my black bean recipe fills my crock up about 5/6 of the way, but i cook so long and low that it's still fine.  every crock pot cooks a little differently, so it can take a while for you to get the hang of your particular model.  i also have a 6 quart that i keep stowed away for larger things.  i think the 3.5 quart (or a 4 quart) is perfect for families of 2-4.  i prefer a programmable slow cooker because i can set it and walk away.  when i worked outside of the home, i could set it for 6 hours and, after cooking at the selected setting for 6 hours, the unit automatically switches to 'warm'.  it will keep the food warm without continuing to cook!  perfect.  this slow cooker also has a simmer setting, which i haven't used yet.  i'm sure i'll tell you when i have.

this will make your mouth happy.  it's easy to make it spicier with a bit more red pepper or hot sauce.  i make a big batch of this and it lasts awesome husband @_antgas and i for the week.  

ingredients:

• 3 huge ass cans of black beans (29oz) or 6 cans of black beans (15.5oz)
• 1 14.5oz can of diced tomatoes with jalepeno OR green chiles (i prefer petite diced)
• 2 cloves garlic, chopped
• crushed red pepper
• ground cumin
• cayenne pepper
• black pepper
• hot sauce

get all your shit together and clear a spot on your countertop.  slow cookers get hot on the sides, so you want to ensure nothing is up against it.  plug in your crock and get ready to go!

1. open up each can of black beans and rinse the hell out of them.  i dump each can in a mesh sieve and rinse well under cool water, until the bubbles disappear.  this not only cleans off the bean gunk that settles in the can, but according to an article i read in cooking light magazine, can cut up to 40% of the sodium.
2. open up the can of diced tomatoes.  dump the whole thing in there, juice and all.
3. add the two cloves of chopped garlic.
4. put in about 1/2 teaspoon of red pepper.
5. sprinkle on cayenne and black pepper to your liking (i probably add about 1/4tsp of each).
6. add 1/2tsp of ground cumin.
7. shake on that hot sauce to your liking.  i probably put in a little under a teaspoon.  if you're not sure how hot you'll like it, leave the hot sauce out - you can always add it later!
8. stir those beans up like mad.
9. set your timer - i cook on low for 5+ hours.  i think five hours is the minimum to get smushy beans - i don't like them too firm.  i've left them on low for 8 hours without problems.

um, yummmmmm.

so now, you can either eat the hell out of those black beans, or you can make some rice.  i have used brown minute rice before, but i fell in love with the yummy texture and slightly nutty taste of trader joe's quick cook organic brown basmati rice.  i usually make eight 1/4 cup servings of rice.  i store the rice in one container, the beans in another, and pop both in the fridge when they cool.  then, each day, @_antgas and i can dole out some rice and some beans into our own lunch container.  i shake on a bit more hot sauce at this point; @_antgas has been known to sprinkle on some extra garlic powder.  about 1 minute, 45 seconds in the microwave is enough for me to have a nice, hot, delicious, filling lunch.

perhaps the best part about black beans and rice - for us, at least - is that it offers a complete protein panel.  what's that, you say?  protein?  we (try to) eat a mainly plant-based diet.  we eat meat approximately twice a week (once is usually fish) and drink almond milk.  we still enjoy the occasional cow's milk yogurt and, of course, a fuckton of cheese.  when you stop eating meat, protein can be harder to come by.  a 4oz serving of white meat chicken has, like, 30 grams of protein.  veggies?  not quite so much.  but eating rice and beans together can get you all the essential proteins you need... check it out here.  by our calculations, a 1/4 cup serving of brown rice and a 4oz serving of my black beans has 11 grams of protein.  it's recommended that about 10-30% of your daily calories come from protein.  if you're trying to gain mass or muscle, like @_antgas is, he'd tell you to eat one gram of protein per pound of lean body mass.  or something like that.  i think a general rule of thumb is 50 grams per day for moderately healthy adults.  if you eat a well balanced, colorful diet, that shouldn't be too hard to come by.  

if you're not sure about your protein intake, adding a protein supplement might be an idea.  all those 'weight loss' or 'weight maintenance' shakes out there (please do not bother with them, ask me why) tell you they're chock full of protein to help keep you full.  that's true, protein does help you feel fuller.  i no longer recommend or condone fitness apps that help you track your food, but if you use one FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME, like a couple of days, to track your food, you can get an idea of your protein intake.  then you can try to make adjustments, if necessary.

please notice my squirrel cookie jar peeking out behind the paper towels.  he holds mini kit kats on most days.

there you have it.  a staple of the gas household since meat went out the window.  except for one day when @_antgas was craving hot dogs (and, being a good wife and partner, i purchased kosher hot dogs and potato rolls), we have not purchased and brought raw meat into the house since january of 2013.  i have purchased, like, prepared meat (a sandwich from panera or something like that) but i don't cook it. ew.

having said that, i ate a beautiful filet mignon while out to dinner with family yesterday.  and had two baked clams.  which i will count as one meat-meal for the week.

i think the best thing about keeping black beans on hand is the versatility: add some to a quesadilla; make black bean enchiladas; dump some on nachos.  even if we don't finish the entire batch for lunch, these beans get used.

i'm considering purchasing my first stand mixer because i think i want to start baking A LOT more.  if that happens, expect way too many blog posts like this.

sorry, i sold out.

i finally added advertisements to my page.  i feel kind of bad about it.  but i've been talking about it for over a year and finally decided to see what will happen.  i'm hoping that it doesn't disturb the reading process too much, and hoping to make a few extra bucks while i'm at it.

i have a problem, and the problem is called 'home goods'.  i can't walk out of there for less than $50.  last night awesome husband @_antgas and i went in there looking for ONE THING (something to hold all of our plastic grocery bags) and walked out poorer.

and without a thing to hold our plastic grocery bags.

but with one surprise present for a friend, a silly sign to hang in the kitchen, a spatula (which i needed), and a copper colored flying pig piggy bank.

yes, you read that right.

photos to come, i think.  i also recently unearthed my olympus digital camera.  it's specs make it practically a dinosaur, but it took great photos and i'm hoping to use it to take pictures of things i like.  (cats.)

do photos count as a post?

i post so many pictures to my instagram, but no one gets to see them.  you can see them regularly by clicking over there <~~~~~~ and following me on instagram.  but i wanted to share my photos with more people, and who knows me better than you guys?  so i decided to write a post with some of the stuff i've done recently.  since i stopped blogging and wasn't dying.

i made philly cheese steaks with portobello mushrooms.  yum.

we juice a lot.  this is what i shove in the juicer on a regular basis.

we went to the cemetery to visit my uncle and grandparents.  this was a neat looking stone marker.

 this is awesome husband @_antgas standing on what was left of a huge old tree after superstorm sandy

samantha cat likes to help me with my hair and makeup

awesome husband @_antgas and i had a weekend 'away' a few towns over.  this is after dinner at our fave steakhouse.

these are rhode island red hens pecking at me when we visited a farm out east

there was not a child in this stroller.  but it made me think that the hens like ate the kid or something.  it looked eerie to me.

 i has a hen!

i also have video of this rooster crowing.  they are way louder than i thought they'd be, and they crow at all hours.  not just in the morning.  we went to a chicken lecture and i learned many, many chicken-related things.  and i also learned that awesome husband @_antgas won't let me raise chickens. 

business cat jake.  i have a plan to make him a whole range of handsome ties, but we'll see.

@_antgas and i were on our way somewhere and i was singing along to the rocky horror picture show soundtrack.  and took a photo because why not.

i used diptic to put this together for mother's day.  it was my third mother's day without mom. 

i was feeling pretty hot that day.  then @_antgas made some stupid comment that made me feel bad.  but it still looked good.

memorial day 2013

i found this in my mom's things.  she was in the fife & drum corps .

another thing from mom's fife & drum days

 i found this at home goods.  seriously, how could i not have this?

my beautiful piglet cat.  she has her own vine account.  which has like one video.  but okay.