no news is... good news?

things are pretty much status quo here.

work. sleep. eat. puppy. cats.

the cycle starts over and over, just later on monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

i had the intention of going to bed early tonight since i have to be up early tomorrow. probably isn't going to happen.

you should immediately go read the bloggess' new post. jenny is an amazing person and a wonderful person and probably one of the best people in the world.  so, go here.

i still can't figure out where to go to school. i'm still existing in a near-constant state of anxiety. i'm going to shine up my resume and send it out because why not. who knows what will come up, right? i'm not depressed, which is nice, but i'm having some self-worth issues and thinking more than i like about drinking or drugging. i even had a really vivid and horrible drug dream last monday, which kind of ruined the day. however, my blood pressure, blood glucose, and cholesterol are at healthy levels. so, yay me! (don't worry, i'm still fat. just healthy. i know, it's hard to imagine someone being FAT and HEALTHY, isn't it?)

(if you answered 'yes', go fuck yourself.)

so for now, i'm going to feed the cats and try to sleep. well, i will sleep. eventually. and hopefully i'll be blissfully unaware of anxiety and depression and cravings and low self-worth for at least 7 hours or so. that would be nice.

what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

frustration is not motivating PLUS we got a puppy!

i've been really frustrated with life.  but life is really good.

that seems kind of stupid.  but that's how it's been.

i've started a new medication in addition to my life-saving pristiq: vyvanse.  it's an amphetamine.  i was really nervous about taking it but so far i'm not having any weird side effects - i don't even feel like i'm hopped up on amphetamines.  i'm not sure how much 'better' i feel, but i don't feel worse so that's great.

we got a puppy. she's very small and very rambunctious and very annoying.  her name is alice (allie) and they told us she's a chihuahua-mini pinscher mix.  we think they're wrong.

yes, we got her a wicket doll to gnaw on.  may the fourth be with you!

she's teething.  i have a feeling this has something to do with that fact.

alice on one of her many walks

on another.... walk.  taking a roll around in the grass break.

allie is ridiculous.  she wants to 'play' with the cats, and the cats want NOTHING to do with her.  it's not always pretty.  but we're working on it.

i'm very frustrated with work.  i'm so over my schedule - i hate the 12-8:30pm on monday through wednesday.  i want to work days like a typical person.  i want to be able to cook after work; stop at the supermarket and pick up the night's ingredients; meet friends for dinner or coffee.  hell, i want to eat three 'normal' meals a day.  my eating schedule is all fucked up.  and i'm usually tired - i can't get my body used to this schedule.

i mentioned to my boss that i want to switch back to days and she said that something should change within the next couple of months.  that was about a month ago.  i love my job - just not my hours.  my family is a priority to me - and i can't take care of my family the way i'm used to with this schedule.

i did a bit of looking online to see what's out there with my credentials.  and found a posting for a job that is $12K a more than i'm making.  it's with a private company - not a non-profit - but that's a huge pay jump.  HUGE.  it makes me think, and i don't like thinking ;)

i have a commitment issue.

i can't blog regularly.

i just don't know what my problem is.  i have so much to say, but i just don't write it out.

work has been amazing.  getting paid to help people kick substance abuse is rewarding and frustrating and terrifying and fulfilling.  i don't love watching people pee in cups, i hate being lied to, and i'm learning to identify the master manipulators sooner rather than later.  my background in customer service/admin and having owned my own business mean i'm a pro at the paperwork side of it, even though much of it is on the computer.  actually, that might be why i'm so good at it.  i find it pretty easy to figure out how to do everything on the computer.  much of the stuff is intuitive for me; it makes sense.

i'm only working 19 hours a week and am desperate for more hours.  as it is, i've been working a lot for free.  i work 4 days a week and never take my 30 minute lunch: that's 2 hours of free work a week.  on mondays, i had gotten into the habit of staying up to 2 hours late for free.  during the week it's not uncommon for me to stay at least 30 minutes late.  and on fridays, well anywhere from 1-2 hours late has been the norm.

have you kept up with that?  that's 7-8 hours of FREE WORK every week.

three or four hours of my time every week is expected to go to supervision or training, leaving me around 15 hours to see 7 or 8 clients (an hour a pop), run two groups (at least 3 hours total), and complete at least two intake assessments (about 5 hours).  if you add it up, it just about works.

if that was all i did.  that doesn't take into account the urine testing i have to do for my clients and other clients.  it doesn't account for extra paperwork, like treatment planning or admission/discharge crap.  it doesn't include time for calling probation officers and waiting for call backs and touching base with other counselors or faxing child protection.... on and on and on.

so, yeah.  i do about 26-27 hours of work a week.  and i know there's a 28 hour position in other locations... we just don't have the budget for it at our location.  damn it.  damn it all.

i've decided i can't get burned out.  i can't be continually taken advantage of.  so i've decided i have to leave closer to my scheduled time.  this week, i actually put my 30 minute lunch on my computer scheduler every day.  i try to stop working; today i managed to take almost 20 minutes looking away from my computer and doing not much work-related crap; i messed around on my phone.  i left 40 minutes late yesterday and about 25 minutes late today.  i took some time to really consider my schedule and see how i can move appointments around to better suit leaving on time.

my thought is that if i ONLY work the 19 (okay, maybe 21) hours a week, i won't be able to tackle any additional 'stuff'; hell, i may barely be able to tackle my stuff.  then they'll see that i either need a smaller caseload (booooo) or more hours (yaaaaaay).

it's strange, sort of.  having a job i love so much that i don't mind working for free.   because that's not it - i don't really mind working for free.  it's just i'd rather they pay me for it.  and if i keep doing it for free, they'll never realize they need to pay me for it.

i've thought about taking another part time job.  i'm not sure that will work very well, but i'd like the extra money.  it would be nice to have a bucketful of money to take to florida next fall.

my first week of being a paid counselor!

it was good.  i had four days as a paid counselor and one day as an intern.  i supervised about 8 urine tests (awesome, right?) and lead a few groups.  i did some more decorating in my office.  i have two posi vinyl clings on my walls and moved around my desk and rehabbed that $15 craigslist bookcase for my office.  it came out pretty good and i plan on doing a separate post about that.  with photos.  of course.

awesome husband @_antgas had to travel for work this past week, so it feels like i haven't seen him since last weekend.  he came home on thursday night, we worked on friday, and now today we're thinking of doing some shopping.  it's supposed to be a rainy, icky day for much of the day so we thought being in the mall would be okay.  and maybe we'll spend some time at home just relaxing.  ultimately i have to clean the apartment and do laundry, too, but i have tomorrow as well.

that farm we like to go to is having what they call chick-a-palooza this weekend.  lots of chickens and some vendors and bee keeping talks and stuff like that.  we went last year and are planning on going tomorrow for a couple of hours.

of course, nothing goes as smoothly as we want it to.  up the chain somewhere at work, someone is convinced that i can't do work that we bill medicaid for.  i work for a non-profit where the majority of clients are on medicaid.  like, probably 90% of clients are on medicaid.  so i don't know why someone gave the okay to hire me if i can't do anything billable.  i keep going on all the state websites to find proof from the state that i can do billable work and submitting it to people who should care and they keep not caring.  they're paying me to be an intern at this point.  it's pretty hysterical.

but my supervisor decided to give me two clients yesterday during case conference.  she said that if they still get bitchy about me doing billable work, she'll take them.  but what will probably really happen is that i'll be their 'counselor' and she'll pop in at the end of the sessions so we can bill.  it's just, ugh.  nothing can be easy.

i almost had a breakdown last tuesday because i called my therapist so that i could switch my appointment time from fridays at 10am, since i'll be working, and i was told he had no other availability.  it really threw me because it's hard to find a therapist that i don't hate.  and we've already started working together well; it's been a couple of months.  thankfully one of the other office assistants called me and asked for my availability, juggled some other clients around, and got me tuesdays at 3pm.  i was ridiculously happy.  like you have no idea.  and it's been two weeks since i've seen my therapist and i'm like ugh.  i can't wait until tuesday.

insert witty blog title here

i want to write, but i'm not coming up with anything good to title this random blog of crap.  so tough titties.  apparently i'm not going to be witty today.

piglet seems to be doing better.  she's active, and eating, and stepping on me with her pointy feet, and following me around relentlessly until i tell her to stay put and leave me alone.  so, back to normal.  i'm going pet food shopping today to switch up their food again.  i love love love the grain-free ingredient list of what i'm currently feeding, but the calorie count is really low.  i think i can find something close to as good with minimal grains and more calories.  and she's ready to go back on kibble starting today - which is excellent.  because we've been feeding her nighttime snack wet food on our bedroom floor.  and i don't know if it's a cat-eating-on-carpet thing or a new piglet-has-no-canines thing but she's a messy wet food eater now.  very messy.  i'm hoping to put all three cats on wet food breakfast and midday feeding, then kibbles for nighttime snack before bed.

i'm sad that i haven't been cross stitching recently but i've been doing other things.  i've picked up a few books about recovery and psychology and shit, so i've been reading.  one is about healing your inner child.  it's already very powerful and i think it will be useful, not just for me but in my counseling.  i also got a cute little book of daily affirmation things for recovery.  i'll use that in groups i think.  and i finished my positivity jar the other day!

positivity jar for work.  full of POSITIVITY!

i first collected five pages of positive affirmations.  some are for recovery, some are for self-worth and self-love, all are positive and applicable to anyone.  then i formatted them to be roughly the same size, like a largish return address label.  then i cut pretty scrapbook paper to 8.5x12" and reset the margins, then printed the affirmations one page at a time.  i used that cutting pad and a rotary cutter to cut each affirmation, folded each in half, and tossed them in the jar.  i used one of the scrapbook papers to cover the top part of the mason jar so it's pretty.  i'm considering seeing if any of my crafty friends have a cricut and could be commissioned into making a nice vinyl cling to put on the jar.  i plan on keeping this on my desk and when someone is having a particularly shitty day, they can get some positivity.  another idea is to bring it into group and pass it around, having everyone choose one and discuss it.  

i also bought another mason jar that i'm going to paint black on the inside (maybe with some glitter, who knows?) for negative thoughts.  i found a notepad with neon colored pages about 3"x5" that i'm going to have people write negative crap on, fold it up, and put it in that jar.  when i was in high school, we had a woman who ran the bookstore that we called 'mom'.  she was amazing and empathetic and loving and caring.  she truly cared about each of us, everyone in that school.  some of us gravitated toward her and spent a lot of time with her.  one day mom emptied out the bottom drawer of her desk and started having us write stupid shit that we needed to let go on her cube pad of neon paper.  we'd even draw little pictures sometimes.  then we'd fold it up and dump it in that drawer.  once it was in that drawer, that was it - we had to leave it there and let it go.  we went through that drawer when we were graduating high school, and it was ridiculous the types of shit we were going to hold on to.  i'm hoping to recreate that with this jar.  in recovery, we talk about recognizing what we can and cannot control, and letting go of what we can't control.  this is a tangible exercise in that.  i think.  

awesome husband @_antgas and i went to a local organic farm last weekend to meet baby animals.  i was kind of bummed that there were only a few baby animals - chicks and a lamb - but there were also alpaca.  which were neat.  but distracted.

@_antgas and the alpaca.  who was watching other things.

i pet a lamb! it was completely unconcerned with us and had a one track mind for nibbling.

then we stopped at another farm famous for it's pies.  @_antgas got a peach pie and we got some cookies.  i don't like peach pie, but he enjoyed it.  (not all of it, we shared with his parents and grandma.)

and then a couple of weeks ago i broke down and cooked meat.  i mentioned 'pot roast' once to awesome husband @_antgas and he couldn't get it out of his mind apparently.  i bought a huge pot roast, enough for dinner and lunch for him for the entire week.  i made it and it was fucking delicious and i felt horrible touching and cooking meat.  but it was worth it.  i'm still sticking to my roughly 90% vegetarian lifestyle (i don't like labels and i like freedom to eat whatever the fuck i want) but i haven't had my mom's pot roast in a very, very long time.  the gravy wasn't as thick as i'd have liked, but it's been years since i've tried to make gravy so i was pretty pleased with it all around.

um, yum.

and then i picked up a bookcase from craigslist.  it was $15 and it's not real wood but it was $15.  i'm going to prime it and paint it and use it in my office.  i'm thinking of trying to take the back off and wrap it in fabric or line it with scrapbook paper.  or i might paint the insides one color and the outside another.  or something else i find on pinterest that ruins life for me.

so, life has been good.  i'm going to be a paid counselor as of monday.  the cats are doing well.  i'm feeing okay emotionally.  still in a lot of pain rheumatoid disease wise.  the humira doesn't seem to be helping at all.  yet.  it's only been about 3 weeks, so we'll see.  hopefully it starts to work.  and hopefully it works well and i won't have a lot of pain and i'll be comfortable again.

ups and downs

it's been an interesting few weeks.

my rheumatoid disease activity has been up.  pain levels are increasing.  drugs are not helping.  about two weeks ago i was trying not to hate my life.  i've started being more creative - cross stitching and cooking as much as i can.  or as much as i feel like.  it keeps snowing.  and it's cold.

ah, february.  it's been a month of ups and downs.

next week i go the the rheumatologist again.  she's probably going to discontinue my enbrel and start the process to get me on humira.  it's the same kind of fucking ridiculous drug with a disgusting laundry list of possible side effects: serious infections, nervous system problems, blood problems, heart failure, immune system reactions, liver problems.  oh, and of course a heightened risk of cancer, including a rare kind of lymphoma.

maybe this one will help.

i finally went through all the hoops to get a temporary handicapped parking permit.  i hate that i have it, but it really helps with the walking.  if i go to the mall or try to go shopping, 30 minutes is my limit.  it makes it hard to go shopping other than food shopping.  and at school it will help a lot - the student parking lot is faaaar from the buildings.  i also bought a cane that i still won't use.  it's leopard print, obvs.

still, everything hurts.  my elbows still seem to be the only main joints not involved.  my very low spine hurts.  my hips.  my shoulders.  my knees.  and of course, my wrists, fingers, ankles, and toes.  my toes have been horrible this week.  my left heel is a problem as well.

interning is going so well.  i have three of my own groups - one is every other week and is a health & nutrition group.  i have an orientation group once a week for new clients and an opioid recovery group once a week.  and i'm still co-leading the women's group once a week.  that's my favorite - i'm really learning a lot by leading it with a more seasoned counselor.

and i did my first mostly solo assessment.  i took the lead with the entire thing and wrote up all the notes and filled out all the online stuff about it to be reviewed by the counselor who sat with me.  she didn't interject much at all but gave me good guidance.

then today my supervisor/mentor spent a solid ten minutes gushing over how great i am.  she kept talking about how big of a help i've been with her workload, and how much she wants me to be able to have my own caseload.  she told me they're pushing her to hire a part time counselor who is fully credentialed, which i won't be for at least another two years - i'll have a trainee certification in june and will have to do 2000+ hours of work that is reviewed by other qualified health professionals.  but she's keeping me in the loop on that so i can prepare to present myself as an integral part of the team when my internship is over and hopefully get some kind of job there.  i want to stay where i am.  i love the other counselors, i love the clients, the location isn't horrible - not too far - i mean, come on.  and i learned here - i know how to do everything the way THEY want people to do things.  i'm hopeful and confident, but i don't want to be cocky about it.

and piglet has a tooth injury.  i don't know how much i went into it already - if at all - but she'll most likely have to have one of her canines removed this friday.  she's almost 10 but she still feels too young for this to happen to.  i'm just hoping it's not one of the tooth things that cats get that will end up affecting like all of her teeth.  we'll see.

so february ends and we enter march.  we still have snow, my birthday is coming up, and spring will hopefully spring sooner rather than later.  the clocks go ahead this weekend so it will be lighter later at night.  hopefully i'll keep practicing positivity and be a happy camper too!

burning my candle at both ends

but i usually have yankee candles in jars, so they don't have two ends.

i've run myself ragged this holiday season.  monday - interned, shopped, went wedding dress shopping.  left the house at 8:30, got home at 9:30.  tuesday - finished up a bit of shopping, cleaned the apartment, left at 5:30 to go to the family xmas eve.  home by 11.  xmas morning - up at 8am, had family over for breakfast, went to my in-laws, went to my aunt's, home by 10:30.  yesterday - interned, did a bit of shoe shopping, went to my in-laws for leftovers (a christmas tradition), home by 8.

i had planned for today, friday, to be a day of rest.  i didn't set an alarm and planned on sleeping until i woke up naturally, then taking it easy around the house (it's almost noon and i'm still in my pjs with no bra on).

what i DID NOT plan on was hellish indigestion that woke me up three times during the night, requiring a total of 10 tums and it barely helped.  around 4am, i finally got out of bed and dragged an extra thick pillow out of the closet and spent the next three hours sleeping sitting up.  then i snuggled back down and slept for another hour or so.

so my long, luxurious night of sleep turned into tossing and turning, interrupted sleep, lots of tums and yucky indigestion.  horrible, horrible.  so angry.

which is why i'm still in my pjs watching television and relaxing.  and planning on doing so for most of the day.  with intermittent napping.

i started on enbrel last week.  i inject myself with this biologic medication once a week; my second injection was on christmas morning.  i haven't noticed any improvement yet, but i haven't noticed any side effect either.

my internship is going well.  i've started sitting in on assessments and groups, and helping write up group notes and things like that.  i'm still in the hiring process for the other per diem counselor job, the one i get paid for.  hopefully by the second week of the new year i'll be ready to go there.  and making a few extra bucks on the side.  it's nearly impossible to be a single income household on long island and do things like eat.

forget about the fact that my medical care, even with insurance, is starting to take a toll on our finances.  i started getting my methotrexate and folic acid prescriptions filled by my insurance company's mail order pharmacy, which cuts that cost in half easily.  i got three weeks of enbrel samples to start with, and will be filling that prescription through my insurance co's mail order speciality pharmacy.  no idea how much that will cost.  already nervous about that.

but life moves on.  as marvin says in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, 'life.  loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it'.  i mean, i like it.  but whether or not you like life, or appreciate life, or hate life, it goes on.  and you can be either a human BEING or a human DOING.  so, you know.  get on that.

positivity attracts positivity

it does.  i try to be so positive all the time, but it's really hard sometimes.  like, really really hard.  it's hard to always be cheery and happy and positive-outlooky.  it's worth it, though.  it's really worth it.  because when you behave positively, you attract that positivity to you.

you may have read one of my old blog posts where i discuss why i'm not so thrilled with my job.  it's not that it's a bad job, but it's pretty much a bad job.  i've been throwing resumes at everyone who will take one, including multiple locations of the same facility.  and i happened to call one location while the office manager was calling applicants to set up interviews... and she asked me to come in for an interview the next day (today).

i think the interview went really well.  i did a typing test thing, answered a bunch of related questions, and peed in a cup.  thank goddess i actually had to pee a little.

it's just for a medicaid receptionist position.  it's not a counselor position.  i had also applied for an assessment/intake counselor position at a few locations of this facility, which would be a bit more in line with my future job - but i'll take what i can get.  i'm really excited and really hope i get it.  it's so much closer to my house, it's full time during the day (i won't have to work late like i do now), and it's in the type of facility that i would end up working in as an addiction counselor.

so fingers crossed.  hopefully i won't have to drive mentally ill people who pee a little home in my car much longer.

you know i hate people... but omfg these people.

nothing is static.  everything changes.  i know this.  i've experienced this.

everything changes.

the non-profit i currently work for (very part time) pays me, like, nothing.  seriously.   the amount of money i spend in gas plus the time i spend commuting is almost not worth it.  so it's all about the experience.  sadly, what i'm doing is not only the absolute bottom of the ladder, but it's not really with the population i (think i) want to work with.

i think i've outlined it before, but let me go over my job again.  i make drinks.  i make iced tea, diet iced tea, fruit punch, and lemonade.  i put some chips and pretzels in bowls and dump a handful of individual sized bags of chips on a table.  i open a couple of packages of cookies and put them on said table. i ensure ice is available, as well as utensils, plates, and cups.  then i play dominos or 'socialize' with the attendees.  i then help serve dinner.  i wash the majority of the dishes, then socialize a bit more, then drive a few attendees home.  then it's back to the center to do nothing (or play candy crush) until it's time to go home.

i commute 35/40 minutes each way, three times a week.  it's putting miles on my leased car and it's evenings.  three nights a week i'm not home.  awesome husband @_antgas gets to go to the gym and play video games - and eat whatever is in the house.

now, it's not a bad job.  i like most of the people i work with.  it's the people we serve, the population we work for.  the non-profit i work for is a 'behavioral rehabilitation' center.  they have programs for all types of mental illnesses, psychiatric disorders, and substance abuse.  the people who come to the social program are not necessarily clients of the center - some of them are just people in the community who want to socialize (or, more accurately, get free food).  many of the people live in group homes, or 'community housing'.  most, if not all, are on some sort of public assistance: disability, welfare, medicaid, whatever.  so i get that they could use the food.  but they could be nicer about it.

and some of them are just plain crazy (remember, i'm crazy too).  but these people.  one hums like all. the. time.  and not along to anything - just hums.  one never washes.  one has had a double mastectomy and still smokes (and also doesn't wash).

i feel bad feeling this way, but i don't want to hang out with these people.

i don't want to drive people home in my nice, fairly new, expensive-monthly-lease-payment car.  the day after i washed it, someone put their hand palm down on the window.  i had a huge hand print for days.  some of these people have had bedbugs in the past.  i don't want to bring them home (the people or the bedbugs).  some of these people just don't wash, and i don't want their stink in my car.  one of them wears too much - way too much - perfume.  so much that it's infused the passenger seat belt and @_antgas can smell it when he rides in my car.

it's interesting that this started bugging me recently (an entire month after i started the job).  i was thinking about how to finish school.  should i bust my hump and try to finish this year?  what should i do about a masters program?  i made an appointment with my advisor and met with her.  we were thinking social work, taking my time with the classes so as not to risk my gpa, and starting my masters program in fall '15.

now?  not so sure.

do you know what social work means?  i mean, really?  a social work degree means serving those less fortunate.  it means working with the homeless, the mentally ill, the developmentally disabled.  it means working with the people i work with now.  it means working to gain them rights and respect and services.

these are all wonderful, nobel things.  but do you know what's missing from that list?

counseling.

sure, social workers can counsel people.  they can hang their own shingle, as it were, and provide counseling.  but social work degrees really focus on the social aspect of it.

do you know what i want to do?  my first stop is addictions counseling.  but do you know what i really think i want to do, something that really interests me?  i'd like to counsel privately.  i think i'd really like to study sexuality and gender issues... perhaps counseling lgbt adolescents.  maybe working with women and gender-related issues.

i don't think a social work masters will work.

there's another option on long island - a mental health counseling masters.  only one school offers it (and it's not as cheap as the nice, big, state school which has it's own school of social work). it focuses on counseling, on providing counseling, that stuff.  not so much the advocacy, the getting-of-services, stuff like that.  it focuses on counseling - and allows one to hang their own shingle.

i could go for this degree and go into practice for myself if i wanted.  i could study sexuality and gender identity issues and addiction and women's issues and whateverthefuckiwant and go counsel people about it.

i think i know which way i'm leaning, but it's not anywhere near where i thought i'd be:

• i used to think i'd be dead by 30, either from drugs or suicide (i'm 33).
• i always thought i'd commit suicide if my mother died because i couldn't live without her (she died when i was 30).
• i used to want a doctor to put me on disability so i could sit around and want to die in peace.
• i never thought i'd be in school at all, let alone for what i'm going for.
• i thought i'd always want to kill myself, have obsessive thoughts, hear my own voice in my head telling me horrible things about myself.

i just thought that was how it would be.  

it's not.  

world's worst blogger

...it's probably me.

seriously, i have people who actually (used to) read my blog.  and i ignore them for over a month.  like, a long time.

but let me make some excuses so i feel better.

as my regular readers may remember, i was offered a job back in august.  they wanted me to start august 22.  i was excited and spent too much money on office appropriate clothes and had my newly-brown hair touched up.  my hair was always reddish brown, until i started dying it pink.  but it's been nice having 'normal' hair.

and, you know.  not bleeding pink from my hair all over the place.

things were coming together.  right?

riiiiiiight.

the weekend before i was to start my new job, we had a couple of days off.  i was temporarily done with school and was not going into the shop all weekend because of other responsibilities.  so saturday night and sunday night i went out.  saturday to my aunt's to visit with family (and drink a pitcher of margaritas while eating steak) and sunday to outback with awesome husband @_antgas and my girl... where i had a pitcher of mango skinny margaritas and more steak.

aside from my eating/drinking habits that weekend, i has this twinge in my chest, like under my right breast.  eh, i figured i tweaked something at the gym.

monday morning around 4am i woke up to pee.  my chest was hurting pretty badly.  i went to stand up and it was really hard. and i went to sit on the toilet and that was really hard to do too.  breathing was pretty hard.  basically, EVERYTHING was really hard.  i was wondering if i was having a heart attack, but my left arm didn't hurt.  then i was thinking maybe i like broke a rib or something and it punctured my lung.  but i could breath - it just hurt like FUCK.

i spent about an hour trying to lay down in bed.  i'd try to lay on my side... it hurt.  it hurt to sit up.  the actual act of rolling over was excruciating.  finally i woke @_antgas up and told him we needed to go to the hospital.

so he took me to the emergency room.  because the pain was in the vicinity of my chest, they rushed me right in and did an EKG.  then they rushed me right in to see a doctor.  i put my little robe thingy on and started getting poked and prodded.  they put an iv in my arm (ugh i hate that shit) and starting doing tests and X-rays.

everything was good.  and then they started talking about my gallbladder.

ergh, what?

one of my old friends had her gallbladder out, and she had SO MUCH pain like every time she ate, no matter what she ate.  i don't have that problem.

they ordered an ultrasound and a hitascan?  no idea how to spell that.  but it turns out my gallbladder is chock full of stones.  and they were like, well we can take it out now or you can go home and see if it happens again.

i was started a job in two days.  recovery time is a week.  i was like, um i'm going the fuck home.  so they sent me on my way with some percocet and that's it.  no advice on what to eat/not to eat or anything.

my gallbladder was achy for a few days, but no major pain. every once in a while it hurts again, but it's not been too bad.  i followed up with their recommended surgeon who wants to take my gallbladder from me and i'm terrified.  but then i was like, of COURSE as surgeon is going to recommend surgery! so i set up an appointment with my regular doctor and asked around to see who was recommended.  i didn't want some kid doing my surgery, you know?

the pain hadn't been too bad... until today.  last week my PCP said my gallbladder needs to come out and recommended a surgeon (whom i did some research on and is highly regarded).  i was like, whatever i'll call when i call.  i'm busy with work and school and an upcoming vacation and trying to get all of my vaccinations in order for school.  you know, life.

but today i had to leave work early and come home.  the pain wasn't too bad, but i had a fever and chills, and this strange nausea.  and just sleepy, so sleepy.  so i came home and ate light, napped for a while, and feel a bit better.  and called the surgeon.  i have an appointment with him next thursday and i will be scheduling surgery with him.  it's about a week recovery so i'm hoping to schedule it on like a wednesday or thursday so maybe i can be back at work monday or tuesday - that way i won't miss a lot a lot of work.  because i'm taking off the last week of october/first week of november for a family cruise.  more on that later.

for now, weep for my gallbladder.  i would prefer to keep my body intact, and i'm terrified of laparoscopic surgery because they'll go near my belly button.  and i'm not cool with that.  when we were little, my mom used to tell me and my brother that our arms, head, and legs were attached behind our belly button, like a puppet.  because we would play with our belly buttons (specifically my brother, he dug around in there like woah) (we were LITTLE KIDS.  gods, get a grip).

i mean, i know that's not true.  but you spend so many years avoiding your belly button and punching people who touch it, and it leaves an impression.  there will be an incision and, like, stitches there.  ergh.

have you had surgery?  what organs are you missing?  i've had two wisdom teeth out, but that's it.

i've got hives, they're multiplying.

i've been trying to save this up to have a big, happy blog post.  but i can't.  because things are happening/not happening and i'm really fucking itchy.

the last time i really had hives was when i was getting two of my wisdom teeth out, the only two i had.  one just popped out - they didn't even need to cut my gums - and the other had it's roots wrapped around another molar.  i was terrified of going under anesthesia and was convinced there was a good possibility that i'd die.

obvs, i didn't.  but it was still pretty traumatic to me.

now, you all know i've been applying for jobs.  as much as i love piercing - and i really love piercing - i need a job that has benefits.  awesome husband (should i just start calling him @_antgas?) wants to be a nurse.  instead of a diesel mechanic.  which i'm pretty sure qualifies as a mid life crisis (i'll have to google that in a bit).  but that involves school and not working full time because nursing school is, like, five days a week and the practical day is from 7am-2pm.  so he is hoping to cut back his hours at the shop OR become a personal trainer (omg seriously, this is what i'm dealing with) and make his work hours fit around his school hours.  because he wants to go back to school full time so he can get his RN in two years and get a job in the industry and go on to his bachelors in nursing.

but but but anyway.  i have to get a job that has benefits so i can, you know.  have benefits.  because happy pills and tarzipan don't pay for themselves.  and since my drug dealer/doctor recently doubled my dosage, it's even pricier to be normal.  instead of taking one 50mg pill a day, i'm taking one or two 50mg pills a day (he said i may not want to take two a day every day.  i'm with him).  even with our insurance, that's like $150 a month.  i can't even think about what it would cost without insurance.

anyway again.  i've been looking for a job.  preferably customer service or data entry.  i applied a couple of places that are social-work-y like planned parenthood, but i don't technically have a degree in anything yet.  so they don't love me.  i get it.

turns out the data entry job i had before and when i got married was hiring.  and i still know people that work there so i applied away and got a call for an interview within a week.  it was terrifying.  they changed buildings since i left and the new one is in a block of office buildings called jericho quadrangle (i'm assuming there are four buildings.  yes, assuming, you'll see why i didn't pay attention soon).  when my mom moved to new york right before she died, she had a job with a company in jericho quadrangle.  i was like, weird.  but still.

so i show up for the interview and drive around the parking lot looking for a spot.  some of the spots were reserved for different companies, including one called aon.  it was familiar but i couldn't tell why and i was nervous so i parked and went inside.  checking the directory, i realized why aon sounded familiar: aon is the parent company of the travel insurance company my mother was working for.  i had to communicate with them when she died.  i took that as a good sign, that mom might have been looking out for me.

the first interview seemed to go really well.  i was interviewed by a guy i used to work with and it was fun.  the new building seemed really nice and i was superexcited when he told me they'd call me back early next week (my interview was on a thursday).  i hobbled out on my 4" wedge heels, smiling, and got in the elevator.

that monday i got a call to come back for a second interview.  i was so excited!  this was july 2 and they wanted me to come back july 5.  i started planning what i should wear (different shoes, for one) and thought about how i'd make it through three days waiting.  thursday i went for the second interview and interviewed with two people.  i thought it went exceptionally well and, i mean, i know the job already.  why wouldn't they hire me, right?  i walked out to the elevators on the third floor and pressed the button.  there were a couple of people standing talking at the entrance to the only other suite on the floor, and i looked over just because sometimes you happen to do that.  that suite?

it was aon affininty berkely travel.  the travel insurance company my mom was working for when she died.

it made me sad and happy at the same time.  i felt like mom was trying to say something to me.  i had a dream with her in it that night, which i also took as a good sign.  they had told me they had a couple more people to interview and would call me early in the week.

it's wednesday.  i still haven't heard from them.  i was hoping to hear from them on monday, but no one wants to do shit on mondays.  so i was like, i'll hear from them tuesday.  i started getting itchy monday night.  not bad, but a bit itchy.  i set up to have all the phone calls to the house number ring my cell phone too, so even if i was out or at the shop i could take the call.

tuesday morning, i woke up itchy and excited.  i figured it would be the day.  i really want this job because i want awesome husband/@_antgas to be able to pursue his dreams like i've started pursuing mine (OMG I KNOW IT SOUNDS LAME).  i know there are a lot of opportunities with the company and i know it's a great company to work for and i know they have great benefits and i know i would not hate the job and i know i would rock the fucking socks off the job and i know i'm probably overqualified for the job.

it's an entry level data entry job.  i got hired for the same job 11 years ago with a bunch of food service and a little customer service experience.  i am now 12 days away from my associate of arts, have gained a lot more customer service experience, as well as a/r and a/p experience, have managed others, have supervised and been responsible for customer satisfaction for a group of 80+ agents, and have owned my own company.

this occurred to me yesterday morning.  so i started itching even more.  and then i went to the shop and my phone didn't ring.  i did a couple of piercings and kept itching.  by the time i got home, my feet, ankles, and thighs were sofuckingitchy and i was trying not to freak out because i'm unsure they'll hire me now.

i've stopped filling out applications and sending out my resume.  i was turned down by two other customer service positions in the area.  i sent out about 18 resumes to other customer service and data entry jobs.  and the job i found in a homeless shelter that would basically be perfect based on my degree?  over 5K other people IN THE AREA applied for it.

i started itching more.  this morning, my elbows and upper arms joined in.  and now my back it itchy.  i'm trying to just remain calm and not itch, but it's after 3pm eastern time and they still haven't called.  they'd call if they weren't going to hire me, right?  people do that?  the other two did.

so i'm going to sit here and itch until i get some word.  want to follow my itching and find out the status of my jobs first?  follow me @stephgas on twitter.  want to see pictures of my cats and stupid shit i see around the town?  follow me @stephgas on instagram.  want to stalk me?  foursquare.

it's so easy to be a stalker, thanks to the internet.  too bad i can't get a job as a stalker.

welp, here we are again.  me, not posting often enough.  you, reading without pants (at least, i hope you are.  i'm currently wearing really short terry cloth shorts because they're the closest thing to 'not pants' i can wear in front of my brother).  i've just been busy.  and the funny thing is i have SO MUCH to say.  i keep having great ideas that i need to blog about... and it just never happens.

i've recently upped my daily dose of 'normal pills' (well, my doctor did) and i've been feeling a bit 'flat'.  anyone who has had experience with antidepressants/antipsychotics/drug dealer doctors/etc knows what flat affect is.  it means you feel like nothing.  yes, you don't feel crippling depression or the need to cry every hour, but you don't really feel happiness or joy or the desire to do anything.

like, i'm going to the gym today.  but i don't really want to.  and i don't really care if i do. 

actually, the only 'things' i'm really feeling are fear and nervousness.  and anxiety a bit, i guess.  the fear part comes from the fact that my brother informed me at 1am that his part of the house is still overrun with earwigs. 

i. fucking. hate. earwigs. 

they are my most hated/feared insecty thingy.  i hate them and scorpions, but thankfully scorpions only exist as pets (to crazy fucking asshats) in new york.  (really, who wants a pet with claws AND a stinger??!??!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?)

?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

we live down by the water.  it's been rainy.  earwigs like dark and wet places.  like the foundation around our house.  and if they can find a way into a home, they're like 'oh, this looks like a fun adventure!  let's see if we can make stephgas chase us around like an idiot and kill me like a champ (sorry, the photos have disappeared but, be assured, they involved me moving couches and attacking a lone earwig with a steel toed boot of awesome husband's). 

earwigs kept popping up this year.  first i found one in the house and awesome husband killed it.  then i found one in the closet where i keep my diet crack cans, right at fucking eye level so i could have a complete fucking freak out before leaving for work.  awesome husband killed it.  then i came home from work one day and there were, like, nine guarding my door.  and i refused to touch the handle, so i banged on the little glass window next to the door until awesome husband came to open the door so i could watch each of them to ensure they weren't going to attack me en masse. 

in this time, my brother started finding earwigs downstairs in his part of the house, which is ground level - not underground at all.  one in the tub, a couple on the floor.  you know.

then, awesome husband, my brother, and sisterfromanothermister all went to atlantic city to see metallica and other bands in this ridiculous festival thingy called the orion festival.  which was set up and started by metallica and had a bunch of great bands.  but was happening IN A FUCKING FIELD IN ATLANTIC CITY IN JUNE and i'm 32 years old and lazy and NOT fucking standing in a fucking field all day to watch a bunch of damn bands.  i am an old lady.  i need a seat in the shade, preferably with a bar withing walking distance. 

plus, i had to work.  and the mets-yankees series was that weekend, and i wanted to watch it.  so, you know.  i stayed home by myself from friday night to like 1am monday morning.

it started innocently enough.  as i was coming home on friday night, an earwig tried to run in the house when i opened the door.  i fucking stomped that bitch and kicked his carcass out the door.  i was hyperventilating the entire time and needed a stiff diet coke before i could do anything else. 

saturday i was in the shower after hitting the gym.  naturally, i was naked, since most people shower without clothes on.  i hate bugs being anywhere i am naked because it's rude and uncomfortable.  so bugs in the kitchen or living room?  i can usually handle (as long as it's not an earwig).  ANY FUCKING BUG in the bathroom or bedroom?  shit's going down.  i've stripped the entire bed at 2am to ensure there are no other bugs after finding one, and have needed tarzipan to get back to sleep.

so saturday, i'm home alone (well, with three lazy and selectively stupid cats) and in the shower.  i throw my towel over the far end of the shower curtain rod thingy so i don't have to traipse across the bathroom sopping wet to get to my towel.  so i turn off the water and grab my towel, wiping my face down first to get the water out of my eyes.  then i kind of open up the towel in front of me because i'm about to start rubbing my body down and I SEE A GODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKINGOMGINEEDMAPGAS earwig ON MY TOWEL.

there. was. an. earwig. on. my. towel. which. i. was. about. to. dry. my. naked. body. off. with.

do you understand?  do you understand how fucking :LKEJGOBURiowu this was??? i don't even have words.  i was, at the time, speechless.  i couldn't even shriek properly; my throat went dry.

it was one of my worst nightmares: alone, naked, and with an earwig.

i shook the vile thing off the towel into the tub.  i tried to drown it... didn't work.  panicked, i grabbed my hairspray and started spraying it while trying to flush it down the drain.  nothing.  the water must have been washing away the hairspray.  terrified, i turned off the water.  it started coming at me, pincers raised (or walking in the tub, my memory's a little foggy there).  i sprayed it with the hairspray and it slowed down a bit.  so i kept spraying.  for like 18, 19 seconds straight.  it was still moving.  finally, as the hairspray started to dry, the earwig started to die.  it wouldn't go down the fucking drain, so i got like four paper towels and picked it up out of the tub to throw it away. 

stephgas: 2 earwigs: 1.

my brother and sisterfromanothermister came home (along with awesome husband) very late sunday night/early monday morning.  i was up watching 'to catch a predator' and messaging with a friend who i had also got sucked into the show (have a seat.).  my brother and sisterfromanothermister went downstairs and were back up in about 7 minutes.  sisterfromanothermister informed me that the place was lousy with earwigs and she was going home.  my brother told me that he had killed over 20 in like four minutes and that they were everywhere.

my skin started to crawl.  awesome husband and i vowed to go to home depot to get killing tools the next day.

we bought something pet-safe for inside and a 'kill everything that moves' model for outside.  as well as a pet-safe spot spray for killing random earwigs.  we sprayed upstairs, we sprayed downstairs.  we figured we would be fine.

we were wrong.

although we haven't found any more earwigs upstairs and even found a dead one at our front door (HA YOU MOTHER FUCKER), my brother has continued finding them in large numbers downstairs.  in the bathroom.  in the living room.  in the laundry room.  in his dirty laundry.  in his clean laundry.  in his bedroom.  EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.

we haven't sprayed the 'kill everything that moves' spray outside because of time/weather, but it's stopped raining and i'm planning on doing it today.  hopefully that will help.  because my brother woke us around 1 am and said he felt like he was in an episode of 'infested' on animal planet (if you haven't seen this, it's horrifying.  and filled with bugs.  and if you're like me and don't like bugs, i'd recommend avoiding it).  he said he didn't want to stay downstairs. 

i don't blame him.  not one bit. 

------------------------------------------------------------

in other news, i'm looking for a big girl job.  i've been circulating my resume and looking for a job with benefits and that pays actual money.  not that i don't love piercing - i do.  i really enjoy it.  but there are no benefits.  and awesome husband wants to go back to school which will mean either leaving his current job or cutting his hours enough that he loses benefits.  and i need medical benefits so i can keep taking my 'normal pills'.  otherwise i get all suicidy and obsessive thoughtsy and stay-in-bed-crying-all-day-and-stop-showeringy.

i'm sure i'll blog more about that soon.  but really, the earwigs are the biggest thing right now.

looks like the winds are changing

i had to take some time off 'dieting' because i sprained my lower back.  it was pretty shitty.  i spent four days in a little nest on my couch, eating muscle relaxers and napping.  it still bothers me in the morning, but i snack on a muscle relaxer and three advil and i'm good for the day.

i went back to the gym yesterday and told my personal trainer (who needs his own nickname, damn it) that my doctor told me to tell him about my back and to take it easy on me.  he joked that nothing was going to keep me from working out! lol he's a pisser, i really like him.  he pushes me A LOT and i feel like i have to prove myself to him.  which doesn't really make sense, but it motivates me.  so i guess it's a good thing.

anyway, he beat the hell out of my quadriceps so i took today off from the gym too.  and i have another personal training session tomorrow morning. 8:30 am.  i like getting it out of the way early.  i still haven't lost more than 5 pounds in the 6 weeks i've been on this lifestyle change, but i did lose weight once i started with the personal trainer.  i also have my heart rate monitor so i know how many calories i'm really burning.  those estimator things online are really not that close.  if you're seriously counting calories and planning on eating back any of your exercise calories, i really recommend a heart rate monitor.

i didn't eat too poorly while i was recuperating and not going to the gym, and i gained about two-thirds of a pound.  so i'm okay with that.  awesome husband started tracking his calories too because he's trying to put on weight (not sure if i mentioned that.  or mentioned how annoying it is).  he's getting very close to his goal weight. 

while i was going through my finances, getting ready to pay the rent last week, i realized i hadn't made any money last month.  i work 40 hours a week and i had made just over $500 with tips in a month.  that's fucking unsustainable.  i started freaking out and talked to awesome husband about it.  and as we talked, i realized something. 

i have the opportunity to help support him. 

all these years, when i've been too crazy to work or too angry to work or too injured to work, he's made the money and supported me.  awesome husband wants to go back to school.  working full time and going to school full time is hard, yo.  i know it and i'm lucky because i go to online only school.  he'd probably be doing all traditional schooling.  and it would be cool, if he had the opportunity, for him to work a little less than full time so he had more time for schoolwork.  and it would be cool if i could pick up the slack money wise.

we all knew piercing wasn't going to be something i did for the rest of my life.  i was hoping it was something i could do part-time while i finished school.  but even doing it full-time isn't really getting me any extra bucks at this point.  not enough to warrant NOT looking for another job.

so i'm back looking for a 'traditional' job.  i'm putting off dying my hair pink again because i might need to go back to natural colors.  and i'm hoping that prospective employers look past my tattooed forearm and hire me anyway.  i mean, most of the jobs i'm looking at are desk jobs where i don't talk to the public, so i think i'll be okay.  and hopefully i can keep piercing nights and/or weekends, at least until i go back to school in the fall.

but i'm strangely excited about looking for a job.  i applied for one with planned parenthood, and one with a local not-for-profit that helps families struggling with chemical dependencies.  hi, that's what i want to be when i grow up.  both are basically entry level (the local not-for-profit was looking for someone with some medical billing experience, but i applied anyway because it's the industry i want to be in.  i hope they still consider me) and would pay 'okay'.  i won't be raking in any dough, per se.  i may be raking in crumbs. 

but i'll be raking in something.  and hopefully that will give awesome husband the opportunity to focus on school.  we'll see what happens.

what's in a name?

something said on my last blog post made me consider explaining why my blog is named the way it is.  the actual name of my blog is 'it's never too late to save a hopeless case' and the URL is 'justanotherwastedday(dot)whatever'.

both are references to one of my fave bands, less than jake.  one of my favorite songs is 'history of a boring town' from the album hello rockview.  the end of like the first verse is 'she said it's so funny, how life runs out so fast.  it's just another wasted day'.  i was in a strange place when i started this blog.  it was supposed to be fun and funny, an accounting of my life in all its crazy glory.  because i am crazy.  and i was figuring that blogging might give me an outlet, a way to not feel as crazy.  back then i was suffering from obsessive thoughts among other things, along with just always being depressed.

most days felt like wasted days.  wake up, do what i have to do to survive, awesome husband forces me to bathe, eat, sleep.  repeat.  over and over and fucking over again.

yes, there were 'better' days.  trips to disney.  food at epcot.  trips to new york to see family.  hanging with my besties, getting drunk and naked more often than i should admit.  but i wasn't accomplishing anything except another day on the planet.

and the title of the blog: it's never too late to save a hopeless case.  a line from the song 'hopeless case' by less than jake from the album in with the out crowd.  this song is me.  it feels like it was written for me.  i am all of those things, and awesome husband loves me anyway.  here are the lyrics (i don't know what i have to put here to avoid copyright infringement or whatever, but i don't own them and i don't pretend to and OMFGPLEASEDON'TSUEMELESSTHANJAKE)...

i have this feeling inside that i wouldn't like me, if i met me.
seems like a losing fight, if you could see it through my eyes, then you'd believe me.
the truth is that i'm overrated, i can't think straight, i'm formulaic.
the truth is that it's sad to say it, but you can't help me.

you, you don't see me that way, you hear the words that i say,
you just tell me my heart's in the right place,
it's the world that's confused,
and it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

i've always known a ghost like me can disappear in a moment,
i'm my own worst casualty.  anything i touch can be broken.
the truth is that i'm self-destructive, i'm insecure, i'm out of focus.
the truth is that i've had enough, but you still help me.

you, you don't see me that way, you hear the words that i say,
you just tell me my heart's in the right place,
it's the world that's confused,
and it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

you're giving me perspective, it's better than mine.
and i'll still be defective, and you're wasting your time.

and then it repeats a bridge and the chorus because, hello, that's what songs do.  but that song is me.  and awesome husband has always been like that - supportive, loving, willing to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.  he's never stopped trying to help me, never given up on me.  and i am still defective, and sometimes i think he's wasting his time - but he never thinks he is.

i'm at a much different place now, i think.  i'm still crazy as all get out, but i'm more stable.  i'm working outside of the home for the first time in four years - and i like it.  i'm in school.  i'm accomplishing 'things'.  it's not just another wasted day - none of my days are wasted now.  and if they are, it's intentionally because i feel like doing NOTHING.

but i still feel like a hopeless case much of the time.  and i hope that awesome husband always agrees that it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

frustration

i waited so long to get to the position i am in with my work at home thingy.  i was thrilled to be asked to rejoin the client i had left a year prior.  but things change.

and not always for the better.

now i'm frustrated and unfulfilled at the job.  the extra work-for-free hours are annoying the hell out of me.  and it's eating into my life.  ultimately, i'm going to grown up school (quite probably in the fall).  i won't be able to go to brick and mortar college full time, work 20 paid/5-7 unpaid hours a week at home, and then whatever i end up doing at the shop.  i have work, work, and school.  and one thing has to go.

when i said 'i'll just quit school after i get my associates' awesome husband looked like he wanted to punch me.  so school isn't going (and i'm glad about it).

one job has to go.

working at home is pretty neat.  i work at home.  i love the people i work with.  i love helping people.  i'm good at my job... just not good enough.  it's one of those jobs where we're constantly told to do better and, often times, our progress is glossed over.  it's always 'yes, you did better - but we can keep improving'.  and i get that - there's always room for improvement, no one is perfect.  but it would be nice to have a week go by where we could just be awesome and not have a 'but' in there.

and it *used* to be flexible.  yes, there are a handful of meetings we need to attend every week - most of which i'm able to attend.  but it's not like i just do my time and leave.  they constantly need someone to step up for one thing or another.  if i'm online and something needs to be done, no one considers whether i'm online for work or not - they just ask me to do stuff.  it was crazy busy one night earlier this week and an 'all hands on deck' call went out.  i can't do stuff like that.  i was at my other job when that call went out.  when i worked with another client, it was up to me - i picked my hours, i showed up, i did my time.  if i wanted to take a monday off, i took a monday off.  not now.

working at the shop is really cool.  i love the people i work with and i like meeting new people.  as much as i still hate most people, i'm great with them (customer service runs in my blood).  i have a good bedside manner, so i'm told.  i like sticking needles into people.  i'm terrified of surface piercings and am excited to learn how to do them properly.  it's not as flexible because i have to be there when the shop's open and the other piercer isn't there, but i get two full days off a week.  even though i work both weekend days, if i needed a saturday night off, i ask and someone covers for me.

the money is comparable.  but work at home job is less hours.  work at home job is 20 hours a week - but then an additional 5-7 UNPAID.  which just pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.  piercing is like 35ish hours a week so it's at least 8 hours more a week for the same amount of money but i have fun (and get some homework done while i'm there.  so, you know.  multitasking).

awesome husband's first instinct was to quit piercing.  but i enjoy it so much.  my office is next to my bedroom.  i'm writing this in my bed, and my work computer is sitting on a desk that is literally on the other side of the wall my head is against.  and i don't want to get out of bed to walk into that office and do that job.  but i want to go piercing.

i like doing things i excel at.  and i just don't seem to be excelling at working at home.

and the strangest thing has happened while i'm trying to hash all of this out.  i realized that i'm alive.

i mean, obvs i've been 'alive' this entire time.  but i've been working from home for four years now.  we only had one car.  i never went anywhere alone.

we have a second car now.  i leave the house when i want to.  i get a pedi or go to the spa.  i can go foodshopping by myself.  and fuck, if i want a damn latte i can go to sbux on my own and get one.  it's like i'm a real, productive member of society again.

and i hate saying that - productive member of society.  it makes everyone else who doesn't work outside of the home sound like an asshole.  but when i was really sick, in the dregs of my depression, i wanted to be normal.  and i don't mean the really low lows where you just CANNOT function.  i mean those 300+ days a year where you're just fucking depressed and feeling worthless and shit like that.  the days when you'd give anything to be able to get dressed, leave the house, and do normal-person things like data entry jobs or food shopping or whatever.

i longed for that.  i wanted to be able to leave the house without worrying that people were staring at me.  i wanted to go outside and not think that someone was watching me.  i wanted to have that self-worth and feel good about myself.

and don't get me wrong - working from home was a huge boost for me, financially and emotionally.  i was able to contribute to my household and do something - very well.  i was NOT worthless.

i sent my direct 'superior' an email explaining all of this.  here's some of it...

Since my mother's death just over a year ago, I've worked on living.  I want to have fun and excel at whatever I choose to do.  I have had fun working with Client and would love to be able to work with Arise and Client in a capacity that I excel at.  However, I've also worked on balancing my life since my mother died.  Flexibility is incredibly important to me and I'm lucky that I've enjoyed that in the past with Arise.  But between school and the demands of my position with Client, I don't have that flexibility any longer.

 i know piercing means working saturdays and sundays.  i know it means missing some family stuff and it means not always being around.  but it means having fun and excelling at something.  it means being out there and LIVING my life.

it's terrifying striking out on other things.  and it's sad to me that my business venture may be coming to an end now.  but it's exciting too.  awesome husband and i have always made things work in the past.  there's no reason to believe we can't make it work going forward.

terrifying and exciting.  correct me if i'm wrong, but that sounds like living.

ergh. hello there.

my bad, y'all.  i've been so busy and crap that i just keep forgetting to blog.  but i have stories, loves.

i'm still on the whole nothavingtimetodoanything wagon.  i wake up, go to the gym (most days), work at home, go to the shop, hopefully stick some needles in people, come home.  if i get home earlyish, i make and eat dinner.  if i work until 10, i take off my makeup and fall into bed.  during down time at the shop, i do my college coursework.  and on my days off from the shop, i try to get some food shopping done, watch a movie, and go get shit done.  because on my days off from the shop, i still do the work-from-home thing.

it's a lot.  like, a lot a lot.  if i didn't have happy pills and tarzipan, i'm not sure it would be possible.  but this is what grown ups do... right?  i'm not working two jobs because we need the money.  i'm working two jobs because i want to be bringing some income in while piercing.  hopefully the more piercings i do, more people will want to come let me pierce them, and i'll start making more money, and maybe i won't need the work-at-home job for income.

because the i'd basically be doing something i really like.  something that i enjoy.  which is really great.  how many people get to say that?

in cat news, jake is ridiculous.  apparently he only loves me when i'm naked and dripping wet. 

i know how that sounds.  but wait a moment.

so when i shower, i always leave the bathroom door cracked so the cats can get to the litter boxes if they need to.  jake's new thing is to come into the bathroom while i'm in the shower and wait on the bath mat.  if he's not in there the whole time, he rushes in once he hears the shower curtain open.  as soon as i step onto the bathmat, jake starts rubbing on my legs, purring.  and getting wet because i've not toweled off yet.  and if i don't step out of the shower fast enough, he jumps up on the side of the tub to try and reach me.  he will stretch out and put his paws on my thighs. 

jake rubs all over my legs, purring and kneading the bathmat, while i start getting dressed.  then i have to sit on the side of the tub so he can jump up on my lap and keep making muffins on me.  and i scratch his little face and he purrs and rubs his face on my hands and digs his claws into my thighs and loves me.

the rest of the time, he just fucking ignores me. 

also, i know i've not told any of you about my awesome vacation to disney world or posted the gazillion photos that were taken, but i will do that really soon.  i hope.  i'm off tomorrow and awesome husband will be away on business, so i may have time to shop for shoes i don't need/eat too many twizzlers/watch 'breaking dawn: part 1' again/organize photos/post said photos.  we'll see. 

fingers crossed.

and finally tonight, i've gotten a new tattoo.  it's a jellyfish.  to go with my mermaid.  i kind of want to post photos, but it's in the peely stage and will look better once it's healed.  so you'll have to wait.

you like how i did that?  dangled that tantalizing tidbit in front of you to ensure you keep coming back for more?

as if my tattoos would keep you coming back for more.  

good news and why i hate most things.

unless you've been following me on the twitter (@stephgas people, get on that please) you are probably unaware that shit's been coming up roses this week.

after a crappy mother's day spent fucking hating most things and crying at a commercial about quitting smoking, monday was a refreshing change. 

seriously, this commercial is horrifying.  and i kept seeing it on mother's day.  and it kept. on. playing.  and awesome husband usually makes fun of me when i get all emotional and cry at commercials (usually publix's holiday commercials. dicks) even HE didn't crack a smile after this one.

this commercial is one of the WORST THINGS i've ever seen in my life.  apparently it's been around for some time and has even been written about by other people - about how fucking wrong it is. 

now, i'm a former smoker.  my mother died five months and five days before mother's day.  this was my first mother's day without her.  she died from lung cancer that had spread throughout much of her body.

and i had to keep seeing this fucking commercial.

the vodka helped, to be honest.  awesome husband drank rum and coke all day mother's day in honor of mom - that was what she drank.

so after multiple crying jags, a few vodka cranberries, and some cartoons, i went to bed and dreamed about two-ton 21 (one of my hermit crabs) breaking through the screen and escaping.  and coming after me.  yes, seriously.  i have no idea.

monday morning awesome husband and i woke up earlyish (8.  we had nowhere to be).  i have to work, he has to pack.  at this point, we still have NO definitive answers for housing or job situations.  we were supposed to hear back monday.  just after 9am, awesome husband's cell rings - and it's the realtor.  we have the house!  the most perfect house for us.  it used to be a mother-daughter, a high ranch.  the second kitchen in the lower apartment is now a big laundry room.  but my brother and sisterfromanothermister have the lower part which has a small living room, two bedrooms, a full bath, and the laundry room.  the upstairs part has a big living room, dining room, kitchen, full bath, and three bedrooms.  i've not seen it yet, but i'm told it's AWESOME and has navy carpeting.

which makes me a bit nervous.  awesome husband said 'blue carpet' and i said i hate blue carpet.  he said it's 'dark blue'.  i said, 'navy?' and he said 'yes'.  but he is a boy.  and boys don't always appreciate the subtleties in shades of blue.  so we'll see.

not twenty seconds after he hung up the phone, it rang again.  we were celebrating and it was a number he didn't recognize.  awesome husband answered it and it was a job offer.  more money than he was making down here and a higher position - shop foreman.  it's a great opportunity and we're superexcited about it.  it's actually at a dealership he worked at about 7 years ago before we moved to florida. 

so we had a good day yesterday.  i finally had an address to get quotes on moving our shit to new york.  now we have half a house-full of crap, us, our car, and four cats.  oh, and two hermit crabs.  and i didn't want to have to drive our car with the cats alone, and have awesome husband drive a rental truck because that would SUCK.  so we're using the same company we used to move down here.  they generally haul broadway-show type sets across country but rent out space on the tractor trailers for moving people.  we used them to move from new york to florida, we used them to move mom from new york to florida, so we're excited that they'll be able to help us out again.  i got my contract from them today and we're set to go.  it's costing us about $500 more than renting a truck and gassing it up, but it's worth it to us because we don't have to drive alone.  for 20-something hours. 

and then today, i started cancelling services here in florida.  the power will be shut off, the cable and internet, the phone, and the water.  and thursday i'll probably call to start having everything turned on in new york. 

then saturday we're having another yard sale to sell all this furniture that we're not bringing.  and my bestie is coming over saturday  night.  and sunday we're having a few friends over.  and monday i have my last day of work in florida. 

then tuesday, we load that truck.  and wednesday morning we're off on another adventure.

at least this one brings us back home.

nervy b's are fun, yo.

but not really.  having a little nervous breakdown (or nervy b as i so eloquently call it) is not full of The Awesome.  it's actually pretty fucking lame.

it's even worse when you do so during a meeting filled with your coworkers.  since you hate the shit you see going on, and when your 'supervisor' says something like 'don't use AIM for bitching about others or gossiping, just to stay in touch with each other' you get offended because A) AIM is not owned, operated, or maintained by my 'job' and i'll use it how i damn well please - EVEN during work hours, B) you work from home and this is the ONLY place you have to gossip and bitch and keep in touch with your coworkers - no scheduled breaks for coffee or smokes, no clandestine meetings in the bathroom to bitch about your other coworkers, nothing like that - and C) i work for MYSELF.  i own my own business.  i am subcontracted by another company - NOT ARISE - to do my job.  why should ARISE be fucking policing my shit?  if we're getting our jobs done satisfactorily as far as the client is concerned, why can't we vent to each other? 

so some of us *ahem, me, ahem* open our fool mouths during the meeting and voice this opinion.  some of us are heavily medicated and don't speak well in public anymore (hence, all my typing and blogging and chatting - i can read it and make sure it 'sounds' right instead of tripping over my damn words all the time and sounding like a fucking idiot).  some of us explain how we feel and get a little emotional.

and then we have a call with our 'supervisor'.  who basically tells us off.  tells us to keep our opinions to ourselves.  that some other coworkers were complaining that our AIM chat was a bit negative, and they didn't want to participate.  and honestly? if he had said that first, i would have been okay.

but no.

he initiates a phone call with me and tells me to KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF.  basically tells me that he did me a FAVOR by letting me voice my opinion during our meeting, that i should contact him directly with issues like that.  hello?  I HAVE. YOU NEVER EMAILED ME BACK.

so i got very, very upset.  i spent about 7 hours crying, took 1.5 tarzipan total and STILL kept crying and freaking out, and it's colored my entire week.  i had a pretty good birthday monday, had a sad morning tuesday, all this shit happened tuesday afternoon, i was off wednesday so i spent the day hating life and going to sephora, and back to work yesterday.

i showed up, logged in, did my job, ignored almost all of my coworkers, didn't 'participate' in our AIM chat, and then left to take <jake to the vet. 

and i'll do the same today.  and tomorrow.  and then we'll see what happens.  because i have some time off to step away from the situation and see what i can handle.

it's really annoying being an 'adult' and not being able to function because i'm so sick.  i don't know how other people function.  i don't know how many pills i have to take and how many times i have to go through this and how many jobs i have to quit in embarrassment.

being crazy permeates every aspect of my life.  and i'm kind of over it.  but how do i GET over IT?

tequila and critical thinking don't mix

i've probably depressed THE FUCK out of all of you with my last round of posts about mom dying.  and i know it isn't winning me any new followers, that's for sure.  so i've decided to continue 'a story' in it's own like page or whatever.  so there will be a linky thing up at the top of my blog forthcoming.  when i do it.

I'LL DO IT.  GAH.

so i had a shitty day.  so our lifestyle change went out the window tonight and awesome husband and i went to applebee's.  i had margaritas.  they were yummy.  then i came home and attempted to do my critical thinking homework.

first:  i have to take a fucking CLASS on critical thinking??  second:  i'm full on BUZZED?  and this is not conducive to thinking critically.

and then.  AND THEN.  i had to finish drafting an email that i'm not allowed to send yet but all hell may break loose as soon as i do send it.  which kind of bums me out, but whatevs.  i gotta do what i gotta do.

and today I GOTTA wear bright pink lipstick to work.  which is in my office.  located at the back of my house.  done on the same imac i'm blogging on right now... :/

i'm hawt.  deal with it.

 

 

of course, i couldn't take just one.  so, without further ado, presenting STEPH GAS'S LIFE WITH PHOTO BOOTH!

earlier today while 'working'

yesterday while 'working' with <jake

last week 'working' with sammy baby

last week when i discovered how to use photo booth.  yay!

this is my life.   you know you want it.  ALSO: i usually don't post pics of when my hair looks like absolute SHITE but there you go.  the last two are before i did my hair again, so my roots are superlong and hysterical and my hair is all faded.

ALSO ALSO.  we did name that kitten - <jake.  that's right, 'less than' jake.  get it?  GET IT??!?!

ALSO ALSO ALSO.  did i tell you all that samantha was injured jumping off my shoulder?  she caught herself on the sofa and like tore or stretched ligaments/tendons around her knee so her babeh kitteh kneecap does what it wants.  so far the prognosis is 'eh'.  samantha may or may not need surgery :( :( :(

ALSO ALSO ALSO ALSO!!  that's really it.  just wanted to say 'also' again. 

it's the bailey's, i'm sure.  DON'T JUDGE ME.  if i'm going to break my stupid fucking diet lifestyle change, i'm DOING it.