what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

i still cry sometimes.

please, don't make me apologize for being a bad blogger.  i'm a bag blogger - deal.

things have been busy.  i'm working full time monday through friday, but i work later - noon to 8:30ish most days.  i have just finished up with school - i have an independent study in human services and the liberal arts that i'm finishing up and january 2015 will be my official graduation date.  i'll walk in may.  i'm very excited.

my best friend from high school had her first baby in mid-november.  i was at the hospital with her and her parents, along with another best friend from high school.  we were both planning to be in the room with her, but she ended up having a c-section and the other friend went in with her.  better choice, since she's much more level headed and calm than i am.  plus she's had a child as well, so she understands some things i don't get.  awesome husband @_antgas and i have been spending quite a bit of time with her and the new baby, helping around the house and the like.  i just want to squish the baby all the time.  he's so handsome.

so it's like, work and school and baby things and rheumatoid arthritis - yes, that's still there - were making my life pretty busy.  now that i'm just about done with school (i don't have any more classes) i have a bit more free time.  i'm hoping to get back into cross stitching and sewing, and researching my options for graduate school.  it seems that is my next logical step, but it's expensive and hard and i'm just not 100% sure yet.



i get nostalgic around the holidays.  the time between thanksgiving and new years is always rough for me.  i've been craving more female contact; i wonder if it's because my mom died this time of year.  i've cherished the time i spend with my best friend and her tiny baby - it's wonderful to be able to talk with her and have someone how knows me and my past.  but it makes me miss people who aren't in my life any longer.  particularly one woman who i may have wrote about a bit here.  we had a short friendship but it was intense.

it's normal for me to reach out to people at certain times of the year.  the holidays after 9/11 i remember sending a card to an old friend and his family who i hadn't seen in years.  i send holiday cards and think about the people i used to spend so much time with that i don't get to see often - or at all.  we're all 'adults' now (for all intents and purposes).  so many of us have families and work and just life to get through, and that can leave little time for 'hanging out', unless it's a quick dinner or coffee date.

i found myself wanting to send her a card, ask about how she's doing, let her know that we're okay, and see if she wanted to catch up at all.  i'm at a different place in my life.  yes, i still crave contact, friendship, support, but i think i'm much more self-sufficient.  perhaps it's the changes in my life over the last year - getting a job in the field, getting ready to graduate, and oh - being in therapy weekly.  never underestimate the value of talk therapy if you can afford it (even when i couldn't afford it, the doctor and i figured something out). 

i have bad days.  i still freak out, i still get anxious, and i still cry sometimes.  i am constantly learning how to deal with it, how to reach out and ask for help, how to identify, address, and process some feelings.  i've struggled with my mother's death around the birth of my friend's baby; i remember crying at the hospital because i wanted my mother there to see her (we've been good friends since i was, like, 11).  when i work on the quilt i'm making for her baby, i think about the quilts and bibs and things my mom would make when other people had babies.  i think about the fact that i don't have my mom to help me assemble the quilt - i've never done that before, i've only pieced together the tops of quilts.  now i have to make the quilt sandwich and actually quilt it.  i'll think about my mom while i do it, and about my beautiful girlfriend and her perfect baby boy, and it will reflect generations of love and support and commitment.



so i still cry sometimes, but i cry for myself.  i cry for my losses, i cry for my friend's losses, and i cry for the things we will all lose one day.  i cry for my joys and accomplishments, for my friend's joys, and for all the wonderful things i know are to come in the future.  but i don't cry because that one amazing woman left my life - as much as i miss her and the time we spent, i'm thankful for the time we spent and the lessons she taught me (that i may not have been ready to learn at the time).  and i think about sending her a card letting her know that.

happy new year, everyone.

part seven

you can read the first six parts here.

i know it's been a long time since i wrote about my mom.  i don't know why.  after i posted part six, my cousin (the one whose mother was mentioned in that post) left a lengthy comment about what i wrote.  of course, she only knew her mother's side of the story.  and i only know my mother's side of the story.  i've seen the emails, i spoke to my mother about it.  i can only write my truth.  and i responded to her comment on my blog with that basic sentiment - i can only write my truth.  after a day, i decided to delete both her comment and my reply to it because this is my damn blog.  this is my place to say what i want - to speak my truth - and i'll be damned if i let someone else tell me what i can and cannot say here.  

i'm sorry that what i wrote upset her.  through everything between her mother and me/my brother, my cousin was supportive and caring toward me.  we didn't discuss much about our mothers, but we still had a relationship.  after that blog post, we no longer do.  and that was why i waited so long to post that part.  i knew that she would read it - i knew that there was a huge possibility that the aunt in question might read it - and i knew that i would have to deal with fallout.  so along with losing my mother, i lost an aunt and cousin during this process.  all part of life, i suppose.  but that doesn't make it any awesomer - it just makes it 'life'.  

i woke up black friday at my in-law's house, sleeping on a fancy air mattress and entangled with awesome husband.  we had another long day at the hospital because mom was to be moved from icu to the palliative care unit.  this was in the regular hospital and had a much different ebb and flow than the icu.  i had already proven myself to the nurses in icu, and they were already used to me sitting by mom's bedside all day long.  now i had new nurses to deal with.

and it did not go well.

mom was very sleepy at this point.  she would wake up if we prodded enough, but she spent most of her time resting with her eyes closed.  i asked her if she wanted water or broth or anything from time to time; the answer was generally no.  awesome husband and i were at the hospital early, wanting to be there a soon as she was moved.  we went up to the palliative care unit, where she was in a double room - i don't recall if the other bed was occupied.  i was faced with a new set of nurses that i had no existing relationship with and i was not happy from the get go.  for those not familiar with palliative care, it's about just treating symptoms and keeping someone comfortable.  palliative treatment does not cure anything.  my brother, husband, and i had decided the day before not to feed my mother any longer.  we knew it was a matter of days, and we were waiting to hear from the hospice.  we offered her water, which she sometimes sipped at.

icu nurses are different.  i don't know how to explain it.  my mom was in icu for a few days; my father's been in icu a few times as well as the 'regular' part of the hospital.  icu nurses move faster and seem to smile more.  everyone knows how shit's serious in the icu; these nurses seem to exude a ridiculous level of confidence and compassion while not taking any bullshit.  i don't have nurses in the family, i don't really know what the difference is between nurses.  but i've always felt a much different vibe from nurses in the icu than anywhere else.  when i've had a parent in the icu, as long as i stayed out of the nurse's way and made myself useful, visiting hours didn't matter.

i've had nurses in the regular hospital units try to shuffle me off at the end of visiting hours.  i've usually not listened to them.  i'll apologize to nurses now for ignoring them.  i stay out of their way and make myself useful by getting broth or water, or helping my mom with her bedpan (i think that's what endeared me to the icu nurses, tbh).

so.  we get to this palliative level.  at first there was a male nurse that seemed okay.  he told me when my mom had been moved, that she hadn't really woken up or responded when breakfast came.  WELL.  then this other nurse came up at me, and this chick rubbed me wrong from the get go.  i felt like she was rough with my mom and i didn't like it.  mom was moving her mouth and i thought she might be thirsty, so i was kind of bugging her to see if she wanted some water.  this nurse walks around me and sits next to the bed, opens this applesauce, puts it on a spoon, and PUTS THE FUCKING SPOON IN MY MOTHER'S MOUTH, telling me something along the lines of 'this is how you have to feed her, you have to put it in her mouth for her and then she'll know to eat it'.

this was probably the single most upsetting and angering thing that has ever happened to me in a hospital.

we weren't force feeding my mother.  we weren't trying to get her to eat.  we were trying to keep her comfortable.  she was practically comatose.  and this bitch was force feeding my mother.  for one of the very, very few times in my life, i was speechless.  i didn't know what to do.  i think i may have started crying.

friday night, all of my mother's family came.  her brother and his wife, her sister and her husband, and at least three of my cousins (i think all four may have shown, but i can't remember for sure...).  this was the first time we were all together since i told them she was dying, that there was nothing we could do.  this was the first visit during mom's 'end of life' phase.  i remember one of my cousins really helping me feel better: she's a social worker and works with end of life cancer patients.  i always wondered how she did that; it must be so sad, everyone dying.  but talking with her, i realized it wasn't all sad - it was an opportunity to support a family and help them be strong.

black friday night.  everything was happening so fast, and each day passed so slow.  i don't think mom had opened her eyes in two days at this point.  but it was the last night we spent at the hospital.

happy thanksgiving

today is thanksgiving and i do have a bucketful of crap to be thankful for.

• i have an amazing, supportive, understanding, loving husband 
• i have three amazing and ridiculous cats
• i have a wonderful brother and sister-from-another-mister
• i have supportive and caring family members
• i (usually) have enough money to pay my rent and bills
• i am able to eat three (or more) meals a day
• i am able to afford the medical care that i need for depression, anxiety, and rheumatoid arthritis

of course, right now my leg still hurts from the cellulitis (i'm able to walk on it, though), two of my three cats are fighting while looking at the birds outside, my awesome husband is in the bathroom trimming his ridiculous beard, and i have way more grey hair than i should.  my roots are pretty bad, but with the medical crap going on this past week or two, i haven't had time or energy to have sister-from-another-mister touch me up.  these are minor things.  

will my family care that my roots are bad and i have visible grey?  nope, they'll be happy that i am able to come to thanksgiving this year.  last year i had my gallbladder removed laparoscopically two days before thanksgiving, so i was laid up all weekend.  two years ago, i don't know what was going on but i think it was a pretty lame thanksgiving because three years ago, thanksgiving was horrible.

three years ago on thanksgiving, awesome husband flew up to new york early in the morning to visit mom in the hospital.  that morning, i mentioned to a nurse in the icu that i lived in florida and wanted to fly home to check on things - i was asking when mom might be moved from icu or allowed to leave?  

that nurse quietly told me she wouldn't plan on returning to florida.  she said she'd wait.  and then she called for our doctor.

the doctor took my brother and i aside and explained about the cancer that mom had.  we knew it was lung cancer, we knew it was stage four.  we knew it was in her lung, brain, spleen, liver.... everyfuckingwhere.  we knew it was about treating for comfort, not curing.  we thought we had a few weeks, we thought we'd have christmas.  

the doctor took my brother and i aside and explained that the cancer my mom had was super aggressive.  small cell or oat cell, if i remember correctly.  i could dig out the paperwork, and i will one day, but not today.  the doctor told us that radiation or anything for comfort wouldn't get her out of bed.  this doctor spoke to us gently and kindly, but very matter-of-factly.  

i don't remember his name.

but three years ago on thanksgiving, after leaving the hospital, we went to my mother's brother's house, the house my mom grew up in, and gathered her brother, sister, and their families into a back room.  we shared the news the doctor had shared with us: there was nothing we could do but keep her comfortable.  we were working on getting her into a hospice.  i apologized for dropping in and delivering bad news, but i couldn't stay.  my aunt's extended family was there - i couldn't deal with sitting there and having everyone know my mom was dying in a hospital a few miles away.

we went to my dad's brother's home.  it was just me, awesome husband, my brother, sister from another mister, my dad, my uncle and aunt, my aunt's mom, and i think my cousin was there for a while.  these people all grew up with my mom; even though my parents divorced years before, these people all loved her.  i stayed there and drank way too much with the people who cared about me.  we commiserated, we cried a little, we laughed a lot.

i don't remember the next thanksgiving; i'd assume it was about the same.  thanksgiving will never be the same to me.  the holiday season will never be the same for me.  i still put on the holiday music today, i still try to keep some of our old traditions alive.  but this year, i feel ready to start new ones.

i'm thankful for one more thing today: i'm thankful that i had thirty amazing years with my mother. 

happy thanksgiving.

mom and i on our first cruise - november, 2008

sunday funday!

last sunday awesome husband @_antgas suggested that we go on a little field trip.  we went to the old bethpage village restoration.  it's an awesome living history museum.  i grew up in bethpage (so did my parents) and went to public school.  it was practically mandatory that we went every single year with school.  even @_antgas went a few times when he was in elementary school.  for those of you who won't click the link, the short story is that these historic houses were found on different parts of long island, moved from their original location, and restored to what they would look like mid-1800s.  my mother, aunt, and one set of grandparents volunteered there.

@_antgas and i used to go there a couple of times a year.  one of the last times we went before we moved down to florida was halloween of 2002.  we went to old bethpage village restoration and planned to go to my mom's for dinner.  we stopped off at his house where he tied my engagement ring to the collar of our first dog and tried to propose to me.  i was a little thick and it took me forever to notice the ring.

anyway, we haven't been back since we moved back from florida and it wasn't too hot on sunday, so i thought it would be fun.  we loaded up on sunscreen and off we went.  get ready for a photo heavy post filled with fun sort of historical facts.

a room in the schenck house, c. 1765

an old high chair

potty training 1800s style

the back room of the conklin house, c. 1853

an actual outhouse.  it was filled with spiders, not poop.

the bedell house c. 1835, not open

the parlor at layton general store, c 1866

a beautiful old desk, layton store

kitchen of the layton store.  they had pump water and a bathing tub

stove, layton store.  in addition to cooking, this helped heat the house

bedroom of layton store.  such an amazing old sewing machine!

boy's room, layton store

secretary desk, layton store 

these old shipping crates are over the doorway between the house part of the layton store and the actual general store

something awesome and old that i can't remember what it does.

old storage tins and weights for selling herbs and spices 

this housed needles of different sizes for sewing, embroidery, etc.

luyster general store, c. 1840.  hey! i use borax in my homemade laundry soap!

the old safe in the luyster general store which was across the street from the layton store (the intersection of 106 and 25a in east norwich).  the luyster general store was described as the home depot of the mid-1800s, where the layton store would have been more of a supermarket or target.

parlor, noon inn, c. 1850.  dominos, bitches!

the meeting room, upstairs noon inn.  if needed, they would also rent the benches for inn guests to sleep on.  we also learned that back then, any place that served alcohol had to offer at least two beds to sleep in.  the noon inn had one bedroom for rent with two beds, as well as benches in the meeting room if needed.  we were told that you could go to sleep in the bed alone and wake up with friends!  inn guests did not pay for the entire bed - just a spot to sleep.

bach blacksmith shop, c. 1875.  this is the first time we've ever seen it open and working!

ritch house, c. 1830, next to the hat shop.  mr. ritch was the hatmaker.  sadly, the hat shop was not open because they did not have a hatmaker on staff that day.

the powell farm kitchen, c. 1855.  the powell farm house is the only house that was originally on the property.  there are still goats and chickens there - as well as the two largest pigs on long island (900lbs+ each!)  the round metal drum looking thing is basically like a roaster: you would put it in front of the fire for indirect heat and use it to cook a bird.

this is the door to the bake oven.  it was an open brick oven alongside the fireplace which was used for, well, baking.  my mother told me she used to help bake at the old bethpage village restoration, and i think this is the house she cooked in.  i remember her telling me stories about how many logs they would load into the fireplace to heat the bake oven to the right temperature.  i don't think about that often, but seeing the kitchen at the powell farm brought a flood of memories about my mom.

a quilting table at the powell farm.  the end could be rolled around a wooden dowel to expose more of the blanket to be quilted.  because there are so many chairs around the table, i'd expect that quilting was a big social even at the powell farm.

an old desk at the powell farm.  obviously i love old desks.

the potter, in a side building next to the noon inn.  we've never seen a potter before but it was amazing.  the round piece on the bottom would be pushed by foot to spin the top.

@_antgas thought this was cool because it has a leaf spring, which is still used in cars today.  the plaque says 'r.g. powell, undertaker - hempstead'.

manetto hill church, c. 1857.

old bethpage village restoration cemetery.  supposedly the headstones were relocated from an old family cemetery.  

the hewlett house, c. 1840.  @_antgas and i were very interested to learn this house has been opened recently - it was never, ever opened when we used to go.  my mom told us that in the 1970s everyone thought the hewlett house was haunted.  they'd set it up to be opened - put the furniture in the right place, etc - and then the next morning, everything would be moved.  it was not open on sunday because of staffing, but we're planning on calling before we go next time to ensure it's open.

@_antgas discovered that he could take decent pictures through the window.  we were nerdily excited because this is the first time we had ever been able to see inside - the last time we were there, we weren't even allowed to walk up to the house.

the hewlett house

@_antgas being ridiculously adorable and excited about looking in the hewlett house 

the hewlett house

the hewlett house

overall, it was an excellent day.  awesome husband @_antgas and i had a fun time just walking around, spending time together.  and we learned new things.  it seems like every time we go there, we learn something new.  i've been going there since 1987 and i still learn new things.  they usually have special things going on in the fall and around halloween, so we're planning on going back then - especially if the hewlett house is open.

anyone else have any fun, historical, educational things that they like to do?

decorating

now that awesome husband @_antgas and i are just about settled in to the new apartment, it's time to decorate.  i let awesome husband have free reign on hanging the pictures on the wall.  he did this staggered thingy and it looks pretty damn good.

nice work, awesome husband.

i had this neat photo of a tiger i took years ago at animal kingdom.  i made it black and white and had it put on canvas (thanks, groupon!)  it's pretty cool having a photo i took looking all professional on the wall.  i also found this cute owl photo at home goods (omg that damn store) that has these different patterns and whatnot that makes me happy.  so i got it (before @_antgas told me that hipsters ruined owls).

damn hipsters ruining cute owls

yay tigers!

when i was little, my mom had these framed crate labels.  crate labels are labels that were put on crates (OMG AMAZING ISN'T IT?).  crate labels came into use in the late 1800s and were stuck on crates filled with fruit and vegetables.  sunkist really started it with crate labels for their citrus fruit.  they ended up being pretty elaborate works of art and, for some reason, my mom liked them.  she collected them and framed them and a bunch hung in our dining room when i was a wee lass.  after we were divorced, the crate labels came from place to place with us, until we moved in with my stepfather who didn't like them i guess, because they were never hung up again.

when we moved my mom to florida, she couldn't find her crate labels.  we never new what happened to them.  when she died, we packed her stuff and moved it to lindenhurst.  and just last month, we went through a bunch of the stuff we had packed to move it again.  and we found her crate labels.  only four have frames.  @_antgas and i chose the others that we liked the most and are planning on having those framed.

crate labels

we still have some stuff to put up, but it feels good to be making this place ours.  even though we hung up pictures and whatnot at the other house, it never felt like we decorated it.  it felt like we were squatting there, just trying to make it comfortable.  this feels more like home.

do photos count as a post?

i post so many pictures to my instagram, but no one gets to see them.  you can see them regularly by clicking over there <~~~~~~ and following me on instagram.  but i wanted to share my photos with more people, and who knows me better than you guys?  so i decided to write a post with some of the stuff i've done recently.  since i stopped blogging and wasn't dying.

i made philly cheese steaks with portobello mushrooms.  yum.

we juice a lot.  this is what i shove in the juicer on a regular basis.

we went to the cemetery to visit my uncle and grandparents.  this was a neat looking stone marker.

 this is awesome husband @_antgas standing on what was left of a huge old tree after superstorm sandy

samantha cat likes to help me with my hair and makeup

awesome husband @_antgas and i had a weekend 'away' a few towns over.  this is after dinner at our fave steakhouse.

these are rhode island red hens pecking at me when we visited a farm out east

there was not a child in this stroller.  but it made me think that the hens like ate the kid or something.  it looked eerie to me.

 i has a hen!

i also have video of this rooster crowing.  they are way louder than i thought they'd be, and they crow at all hours.  not just in the morning.  we went to a chicken lecture and i learned many, many chicken-related things.  and i also learned that awesome husband @_antgas won't let me raise chickens. 

business cat jake.  i have a plan to make him a whole range of handsome ties, but we'll see.

@_antgas and i were on our way somewhere and i was singing along to the rocky horror picture show soundtrack.  and took a photo because why not.

i used diptic to put this together for mother's day.  it was my third mother's day without mom. 

i was feeling pretty hot that day.  then @_antgas made some stupid comment that made me feel bad.  but it still looked good.

memorial day 2013

i found this in my mom's things.  she was in the fife & drum corps .

another thing from mom's fife & drum days

 i found this at home goods.  seriously, how could i not have this?

my beautiful piglet cat.  she has her own vine account.  which has like one video.  but okay.