what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

monday update - including new tattoo!

it's kind of amazing how things change.

a few months ago, i wrote this blog about... well, disconnecting from a woman i was very good friends with.  it's a bit strange how it all happened.  my friend is also my tattoo artist and is her tattoo artist as well.  the tattoo artist tagged her in an instagram photo one day and i insta-stalked her feed.

i know, kind of strange.  creepy.  whatever, go fuck yourself.  i did it.  you know you've done something like it.

so i saw... well, i saw a woman who had changed for the better in a lot of ways.  she seemed freer, happier, even more herself than she was when we still hung out regularly.  i still thought about sending her a card.  i ended up following her on instagram, thinking that if she straight out blocked me it was a sign that whatever had happened had irreparably damaged our relationship.  she didn't block me.

one day she posted something on instagram that really made me think.  it said "sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation".  it resonated with me.  i realized that i put expectations on our relationship - i expected her to support me in a way she was unable to at the time.  it was like the situation (at least my part/side of it) became so clear to me.  so i direct messaged her, letting her know that the post made me think, and what it made me think about, and trying to take responsibility for my part in whatever had happened.  she messaged me back, she took responsibility for her part in what happened - and that was important to me.  it validated what others had told me: i hadn't done anything wrong per se.  i hadn't driven her away or done something so bad/wrong/whatever.  it was just we were both in specific places that almost made it impossible for us to be there for each other, for us to be friends at that time.

we ended up meeting for dinner a couple of weeks ago.  it was strange at first: she's in a MUCH different place in her life than she was about 15 months prior when we stopped talking.  but i am, too.  i'm in a much healthier place.  she's in a much healthier place.  we're both more honest with ourselves and with others.  and seriously - it was almost like no time had passed.  it's the same, but it's different - it's a different relationship that is healthier and more balanced for both of us.  and i'm thrilled to have it back.

i've also committed to an amazing thigh tattoo by said tattoo artist.  pam poovey from archer is like my spirit animal.  i love her (i haven't seen season 5 yet, i've been told that might change, but seriously - i don't care.  she's been amazing through 4 seasons).  when my artist was working on awesome husband @_antgas' hand tattoos, i mentioned how pam poovey was my spirit animal and she went nuts - she said she really really wanted to do an archer tattoo.  we worked on some ideas, she drew up an amazing tattoo, and i recently had the outline done on my outer left thigh.

seriously - this tattoo is super bad ass.  follow @misstattootara on instagram.

yeah.  it's pretty awesome.  and in reality, the fact that it's on my thigh is a big deal for me.  i follow a lot of body positive blogs and instagram accounts and twitter and shit like that.  and i've seen photos of SO MANY beautiful big women with awesome thigh tattoos.  i think it's super sexy and makes them look really confident and i started thinking about getting a thigh tattoo about a year ago.  i had settled on a couple of other ideas when my tattoo artist said she wanted to do an archer tattoo.  

pam poovey is kind of another big girl who is awesome.  i mean, if you watch archer, you're probably familiar with some of her exploits and background from the first four seasons.  let's see: she kicked men's asses in underground fights to pay her way through college.  she has an infatuation with lana but still bangs archer for a while.  she says what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about what people think about it.  she's a little crass and really bold and super confident.  yet she's a damn HR rep... sure, she's not always great at her job, but still.  pam poovey is really my spirit animal; a lot of her character is who i want to be or who i already am.  i'm a fat girl who metaphorically kicks ass, i'm bisexual, and (outside of work) i say what i mean and refuse to sugar coat it.  

whatever - i identify with pam poovey.  and i love my tattoo, and i can't wait to have it colored in.

my tattoo artist is on instagram - @misstattootara.  seriously, she does amazing work.  if you're on long island and in need of a tattoo, DM her.  and, hey, i'm on instagram and twitter @stephgas.  

i'm also working on a lot of crap with my therapist.  i've started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, am addressing some of my disordered eating behaviors (unhappily but whatever), and working out.  i'm not watching what i eat or working out to lose weight - i'm doing it to feel good.  that seems to make it more enjoyable because i'm not obsessing over every calorie eaten and burned.  i'm weight lifting with awesome husband @_antgas and a couple of his coworkers.  my brother and sisterfromanothermister occasionally join in as well.  awesome husband @_antgas is all about going hard and 'gains'.  the phrase 'gains, bro' is uttered numerous times, often in jest but not really 100% joking.  i hit a new PR (personal record) on saturday with a 910lb straight leg press.  yesterday my PR was 115lb chest fly thingy.  i don't know the names of everything, i just wander around behind awesome husband @_antgas and wait for him to tell me what to do.  honestly, that makes it fun and easy and i really like working out.  it just makes me feel good.  

so, new ink, new meds, new weight training - a lot of things going on but it's all good... it's all healthy.

sick end to a good weekend

i called into work for the first time since i was hired in april today and i'm trying not to beat myself up over it.  self-care is very important, it's imperative, and i have to remember that.

i also called out of therapy which is kind of stupid because i can always use therapy but i'm just so nauseous.  i was up a few times overnight feeling like i had to vomit and i never did.  like right now i'm kind of hungry but the nausea keeps coming and going so i'm like terrified to eat.

had a great weekend with awesome husband @_antgas.  we went to new york city on saturday to see a broadway show - our first together, his first ever (i've only seen one other - les mis - like decades ago).  we drove to my dad's office in queens and left the car there, then took a subway to manhattan and walked up into the middle of times square.  was pretty cool - i'm not sure i've ever done that before (not that i remember, so i may have done it and been stoned or something).  we walked a few blocks to the theatre and it was such a good show.  @_antgas wanted to see this show, he kept mentioning it when we'd see commercials, so i got him tickets for the holidays.  we then went back to queens and had dinner at one of our favorite queens diners with my dad.  yum.

it was pretty easy so we're thinking about going back to the city on a sort of regular basis.  i used to bitch all the time that i hated going into the city because it was expensive and annoying and ugh.  but it was fun.  and i found out about this place that you can go in the morning and get heavily discounted tickets to broadway shows.  you kind of have to take what they have available, but it might be fun to just go see other shows. 

i used to put photos on my blog but it's kind of a pain in the ass with all the watermarking and uploading and ugh.  plus i post on instagram all the time.  so if you want to know what's going on in my life without all the wordy bullshit, follow me on instagram at - you guessed it - @stephgas.  it's mostly me and cats and body positive crap so, you know.  it's fun.