no news is... good news?

things are pretty much status quo here.

work. sleep. eat. puppy. cats.

the cycle starts over and over, just later on monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

i had the intention of going to bed early tonight since i have to be up early tomorrow. probably isn't going to happen.

you should immediately go read the bloggess' new post. jenny is an amazing person and a wonderful person and probably one of the best people in the world.  so, go here.

i still can't figure out where to go to school. i'm still existing in a near-constant state of anxiety. i'm going to shine up my resume and send it out because why not. who knows what will come up, right? i'm not depressed, which is nice, but i'm having some self-worth issues and thinking more than i like about drinking or drugging. i even had a really vivid and horrible drug dream last monday, which kind of ruined the day. however, my blood pressure, blood glucose, and cholesterol are at healthy levels. so, yay me! (don't worry, i'm still fat. just healthy. i know, it's hard to imagine someone being FAT and HEALTHY, isn't it?)

(if you answered 'yes', go fuck yourself.)

so for now, i'm going to feed the cats and try to sleep. well, i will sleep. eventually. and hopefully i'll be blissfully unaware of anxiety and depression and cravings and low self-worth for at least 7 hours or so. that would be nice.

what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

i still cry sometimes.

please, don't make me apologize for being a bad blogger.  i'm a bag blogger - deal.

things have been busy.  i'm working full time monday through friday, but i work later - noon to 8:30ish most days.  i have just finished up with school - i have an independent study in human services and the liberal arts that i'm finishing up and january 2015 will be my official graduation date.  i'll walk in may.  i'm very excited.

my best friend from high school had her first baby in mid-november.  i was at the hospital with her and her parents, along with another best friend from high school.  we were both planning to be in the room with her, but she ended up having a c-section and the other friend went in with her.  better choice, since she's much more level headed and calm than i am.  plus she's had a child as well, so she understands some things i don't get.  awesome husband @_antgas and i have been spending quite a bit of time with her and the new baby, helping around the house and the like.  i just want to squish the baby all the time.  he's so handsome.

so it's like, work and school and baby things and rheumatoid arthritis - yes, that's still there - were making my life pretty busy.  now that i'm just about done with school (i don't have any more classes) i have a bit more free time.  i'm hoping to get back into cross stitching and sewing, and researching my options for graduate school.  it seems that is my next logical step, but it's expensive and hard and i'm just not 100% sure yet.



i get nostalgic around the holidays.  the time between thanksgiving and new years is always rough for me.  i've been craving more female contact; i wonder if it's because my mom died this time of year.  i've cherished the time i spend with my best friend and her tiny baby - it's wonderful to be able to talk with her and have someone how knows me and my past.  but it makes me miss people who aren't in my life any longer.  particularly one woman who i may have wrote about a bit here.  we had a short friendship but it was intense.

it's normal for me to reach out to people at certain times of the year.  the holidays after 9/11 i remember sending a card to an old friend and his family who i hadn't seen in years.  i send holiday cards and think about the people i used to spend so much time with that i don't get to see often - or at all.  we're all 'adults' now (for all intents and purposes).  so many of us have families and work and just life to get through, and that can leave little time for 'hanging out', unless it's a quick dinner or coffee date.

i found myself wanting to send her a card, ask about how she's doing, let her know that we're okay, and see if she wanted to catch up at all.  i'm at a different place in my life.  yes, i still crave contact, friendship, support, but i think i'm much more self-sufficient.  perhaps it's the changes in my life over the last year - getting a job in the field, getting ready to graduate, and oh - being in therapy weekly.  never underestimate the value of talk therapy if you can afford it (even when i couldn't afford it, the doctor and i figured something out). 

i have bad days.  i still freak out, i still get anxious, and i still cry sometimes.  i am constantly learning how to deal with it, how to reach out and ask for help, how to identify, address, and process some feelings.  i've struggled with my mother's death around the birth of my friend's baby; i remember crying at the hospital because i wanted my mother there to see her (we've been good friends since i was, like, 11).  when i work on the quilt i'm making for her baby, i think about the quilts and bibs and things my mom would make when other people had babies.  i think about the fact that i don't have my mom to help me assemble the quilt - i've never done that before, i've only pieced together the tops of quilts.  now i have to make the quilt sandwich and actually quilt it.  i'll think about my mom while i do it, and about my beautiful girlfriend and her perfect baby boy, and it will reflect generations of love and support and commitment.



so i still cry sometimes, but i cry for myself.  i cry for my losses, i cry for my friend's losses, and i cry for the things we will all lose one day.  i cry for my joys and accomplishments, for my friend's joys, and for all the wonderful things i know are to come in the future.  but i don't cry because that one amazing woman left my life - as much as i miss her and the time we spent, i'm thankful for the time we spent and the lessons she taught me (that i may not have been ready to learn at the time).  and i think about sending her a card letting her know that.

happy new year, everyone.

what is happening to me?

it's like i'm turning into a monster.  or something.

i'm so depressed most of the time.  i'm not sure i remember the last time i laughed.  all i do is stare at the television, stare at the computer.  think about how much my ankles hurt.  my wrists.  my fingers.  my hips.  my shoulders.  i goof off on pinterest.  i don't really want to cook.  go food shopping.  anything.

i did homework today.  i went to work with my dad on tuesday.  i went to the doctor tuesday night and let him give me a damn flu shot because my immune system is suppressed.  i went to a meeting with my advisor about school.

i guess that's some good-ish news.  i currently have 91 credits (meaning i am a senior. yay.).  after i pass my three classes this semester, i'll have 100 credits and be 28 away from graduation.  next semester i am hoping to do my practicum (300 hours of interning worth 10 credits) and taking one class.  meaning this summer, i'll be a mere 15 credits away from graduation.  that's 5 classes.  and she told me about these DSST tests - like challenge tests.  they cost $130 each and can be worth 3 credits each.  she's recommending i see if there are three or four i think i'd like to take and seeing if the registrar will allow it.

then i'll only need one or two classes.  boom.

i think she recommended it after we talked about my RA for a few minutes.  she said i can ask for extra time to complete my current classes - up to 40 days.  i told her that won't be necessary.  i'm barely working now - i can power through this semester.  then next semester will be homework-and-studying light, and then i might cap myself at two classes a semester.  i'll have to check with financial aid to figure out what the best way to do that is.  but that can wait until summer registration.

i keep thinking i shouldn't even bother.  i mean, i'm already over $40k in debt for school.  i basically have my practicum left before i finish my CASAC (for alcohol and substance abuse counseling) and then just the handful of classes to finish my bachelor's degree, so i might as well finish that up.  i guess.  but then going on for my masters?  what's the point?  who knows how much longer i'll be able to work.  and then how will i pay back the loans?  i don't mean like in a year i'll be unable to work.  but what if i'm disabled by the time i'm 50? 45?  i don't know.  everyone tells me i should go for it.  just finish school and go for my masters and do what i've planned on, what i wanted to do.

but why bother?

and then there's the fact that i feel like no one cares.  and i know people do.  i guess they do.  and this is so stupid to write and i sound like such a baby but i want someone to be sad.  i want someone to be sad with me and mourn the life that i'm losing.  i want someone to realize how much it sucks that my life trajectory has to change so much.  i want someone to commiserate with me, to cry with me, to be horrified with me.  i have one girlfriend who gets it - she was sad with me, she wanted to talk about it, she asked me questions.

whatever.

so apparently i'm just back to crazy.

i'm going to remake "all you wanna do is dance" and replace "dance" with "sleep"

obscure blog title, i know.  it's a great billy joel song, check it out:

one of my favorite billy joel albums.  who am i kidding, i love all billy joel albums.

however, my point is all i wanna do is sleep.

i haven't talked a lot about this pain i've had.  since march, my left wrist has been bothering me.  so have my hips, but not too badly.  i told my doctor and he said my hips could be caused by my weight and gave me some basic exercises to do for my wrist.  which i did, and they didn't seem to help.  i figured it was a touch of carpal tunnel.  i decided to wait and see after i quit my desk job.

so i quit my desk job in june and spent a couple of weeks babying my wrist.  it didn't get any better, but my knuckles really, really started bothering me.  then one day in july i woke up and my right wrist and knuckles hurt.  i called an orthopedist and went for my appointment.

i wrote all my info down and whatever they wanted and waited two damn hours to be seen.  the doctor palpitated my left wrist, wrote off my right wrist, and ordered xrays for my left wrist.  he said it looked fine.  he was ready to send me off when i asked about my knuckles... which he had completely forgotten about.  after ordering another round of xrays for my knuckles, he told me there was nothing wrong with them either.  he said that there was nothing wrong with my bones and told me to wear a wrist brace for a month and see if it got any better.

i wore it, i babied my left wrist.  i ended up putting another brace on my right wrist because it hurt so much.  after a month went by, everything hurt more.  i cancelled the followup with the orthopedist (saving my $50 copay) and called a rheumatologist.  they fit me in a week later - which was this past tuesday.

i loved the rheumatologist.  she asked so many questions about my medical history.  she asked so many questions about my pain and where it hurt and how much it hurt - like none of which the ortho asked about.  we even talked a bit about how broken the healthcare system was.  she then popped me up on the table and poked at numerous spots on my body: my neck and throat, upper chest, hips, back, knees, wrists.  i had tender spots that i hadn't even noticed.  but i was very upfront about what hurts and how much it hurts: wrists, knuckles, hips, upper back, lower back, and how fucking exhausted i am all the time.  she told me it definitely wasn't rheumatoid arthritis because the fingertip knuckle is never involved in RA (i was thinking it was RA until that point).  she mentioned something as simple as a vitamin or hormone deficiency could cause joint pain like this, or something like psoriatic arthritis.  no one in my family has been diagnosed with psoriasis though, so not sure how likely that is.

she ordered a bucket of blood tests (and they were able to draw blood in the office, which i love) and scheduled a followup in two weeks.  i've looked at some of the symptoms of psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia, and both look like possibilities.  i just can't wait to find out what's wrong with me so that we can treat it and i can stop wanting to sleep all the damn time.

today, my shoulders and upper back, wrists, hips, and knuckles still hurt.  but in addition, the rest of my back, thighs, and knees are really bad today.  i have no idea what is going on, but i really need it to stop.  i called out of work this afternoon because i just can't do it.  i can't get comfortable.  i ate a bunch of advil earlier today and am considering breaking out my stockpile of painkillers because omfg this hurts.

anyway, sorry for the pity party.  i just am at the end my rope today.  and i have to sit in school all day tomorrow so, there's that.

sunday funday!

last sunday awesome husband @_antgas suggested that we go on a little field trip.  we went to the old bethpage village restoration.  it's an awesome living history museum.  i grew up in bethpage (so did my parents) and went to public school.  it was practically mandatory that we went every single year with school.  even @_antgas went a few times when he was in elementary school.  for those of you who won't click the link, the short story is that these historic houses were found on different parts of long island, moved from their original location, and restored to what they would look like mid-1800s.  my mother, aunt, and one set of grandparents volunteered there.

@_antgas and i used to go there a couple of times a year.  one of the last times we went before we moved down to florida was halloween of 2002.  we went to old bethpage village restoration and planned to go to my mom's for dinner.  we stopped off at his house where he tied my engagement ring to the collar of our first dog and tried to propose to me.  i was a little thick and it took me forever to notice the ring.

anyway, we haven't been back since we moved back from florida and it wasn't too hot on sunday, so i thought it would be fun.  we loaded up on sunscreen and off we went.  get ready for a photo heavy post filled with fun sort of historical facts.

a room in the schenck house, c. 1765

an old high chair

potty training 1800s style

the back room of the conklin house, c. 1853

an actual outhouse.  it was filled with spiders, not poop.

the bedell house c. 1835, not open

the parlor at layton general store, c 1866

a beautiful old desk, layton store

kitchen of the layton store.  they had pump water and a bathing tub

stove, layton store.  in addition to cooking, this helped heat the house

bedroom of layton store.  such an amazing old sewing machine!

boy's room, layton store

secretary desk, layton store 

these old shipping crates are over the doorway between the house part of the layton store and the actual general store

something awesome and old that i can't remember what it does.

old storage tins and weights for selling herbs and spices 

this housed needles of different sizes for sewing, embroidery, etc.

luyster general store, c. 1840.  hey! i use borax in my homemade laundry soap!

the old safe in the luyster general store which was across the street from the layton store (the intersection of 106 and 25a in east norwich).  the luyster general store was described as the home depot of the mid-1800s, where the layton store would have been more of a supermarket or target.

parlor, noon inn, c. 1850.  dominos, bitches!

the meeting room, upstairs noon inn.  if needed, they would also rent the benches for inn guests to sleep on.  we also learned that back then, any place that served alcohol had to offer at least two beds to sleep in.  the noon inn had one bedroom for rent with two beds, as well as benches in the meeting room if needed.  we were told that you could go to sleep in the bed alone and wake up with friends!  inn guests did not pay for the entire bed - just a spot to sleep.

bach blacksmith shop, c. 1875.  this is the first time we've ever seen it open and working!

ritch house, c. 1830, next to the hat shop.  mr. ritch was the hatmaker.  sadly, the hat shop was not open because they did not have a hatmaker on staff that day.

the powell farm kitchen, c. 1855.  the powell farm house is the only house that was originally on the property.  there are still goats and chickens there - as well as the two largest pigs on long island (900lbs+ each!)  the round metal drum looking thing is basically like a roaster: you would put it in front of the fire for indirect heat and use it to cook a bird.

this is the door to the bake oven.  it was an open brick oven alongside the fireplace which was used for, well, baking.  my mother told me she used to help bake at the old bethpage village restoration, and i think this is the house she cooked in.  i remember her telling me stories about how many logs they would load into the fireplace to heat the bake oven to the right temperature.  i don't think about that often, but seeing the kitchen at the powell farm brought a flood of memories about my mom.

a quilting table at the powell farm.  the end could be rolled around a wooden dowel to expose more of the blanket to be quilted.  because there are so many chairs around the table, i'd expect that quilting was a big social even at the powell farm.

an old desk at the powell farm.  obviously i love old desks.

the potter, in a side building next to the noon inn.  we've never seen a potter before but it was amazing.  the round piece on the bottom would be pushed by foot to spin the top.

@_antgas thought this was cool because it has a leaf spring, which is still used in cars today.  the plaque says 'r.g. powell, undertaker - hempstead'.

manetto hill church, c. 1857.

old bethpage village restoration cemetery.  supposedly the headstones were relocated from an old family cemetery.  

the hewlett house, c. 1840.  @_antgas and i were very interested to learn this house has been opened recently - it was never, ever opened when we used to go.  my mom told us that in the 1970s everyone thought the hewlett house was haunted.  they'd set it up to be opened - put the furniture in the right place, etc - and then the next morning, everything would be moved.  it was not open on sunday because of staffing, but we're planning on calling before we go next time to ensure it's open.

@_antgas discovered that he could take decent pictures through the window.  we were nerdily excited because this is the first time we had ever been able to see inside - the last time we were there, we weren't even allowed to walk up to the house.

the hewlett house

@_antgas being ridiculously adorable and excited about looking in the hewlett house 

the hewlett house

the hewlett house

overall, it was an excellent day.  awesome husband @_antgas and i had a fun time just walking around, spending time together.  and we learned new things.  it seems like every time we go there, we learn something new.  i've been going there since 1987 and i still learn new things.  they usually have special things going on in the fall and around halloween, so we're planning on going back then - especially if the hewlett house is open.

anyone else have any fun, historical, educational things that they like to do?

wondering....

i love pinterest.  a lot.  i pin lots of stuff.  guess what my pinterest handle is?  go on, guess.

steph gas.

surprising, i know.

anyhow, i have a few different boards: body modifications, meat-free food, stuff i love.  whatever.  one of the biggest problems i have with the tattoo and piercing pins are that they're all the same shit.  it's the same handful of tattoos over and over.  the same mermaid drawings that say 'omg this will be my next tattoo'.  the same photo of a skinny girl with text on her ribs that says 'i love the placement but not the words'.  and even the 'i don't like tattoos, but if i ever got one, it would be like this'.

if you don't like tattoos.... why the everliving fuck are you looking at tattoos on pinterest??!

it's the same with piercings.  tons of triple forward helix piercings, double lip piercings, cute earrings, and some surface piercings.  and of course, the play piercings.  often with a comment about how bad they are or how stupid they look or 'ew' or something like that.

i think play piercings are exquisite.

****photos may not be safe for work/family.  also may be triggering to some people.  proceed with caution***

















some are kind of lame...

from bmezine.com.  pretty basic.

some are kind of strange....

from mythrabodyart.deviantart.com

.... and some are seriously exquisite.  specific, carefully planned works of art.

posted on a random blog, originally from body piercers.org

discovered on tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/play-piercings

found at http://weheartit.com/entry/26478039

it is mainly done for artistic purposes.  the needles used are small gauge and will stay in place for a few hours at most.  then they are removed and the holes close up.  

perhaps even more intriguing to me is pulling or suspension.  this is when piercings are used to anchor string or something like it.  the piercings are not like normal piercings - they are done with special hooks.  

http://weheartit.com/entry/26478039

https://www.facebook.com/UrbanRitualsPiercingsAndSuspension?filter=1

pulling is a ritualistic action where play piercings with hooks are used to connect a person to another living thing, often other people.  one person may lean back, 'pulling' on the piercings of the other participant(s); then another leans back and pulls on the piercings, etc.  it's done in a rhythmic way and often is used to raise and pool energy.

http://blog.bodycandy.com/2013/05/15/extreme-body-mod-hook-suspensions-and-energy-pulls/

another FYI, if you do google play piercings, some of the images are disturbing.  i think some people do it as a form of self-mutilation or as a part of blood play or something.  because there is really no reason for that much blood to be all over the place.  some of those photos.... ugh.

last sunday the tattoo parlor i apprenticed at held their annual tattoos for cancer research fundraiser.  select tattoos are done for a set donation.  last year and this year they added piercings, which i was honored to perform.  i did about 15 piercings for a great cause.  it was actually the first time i'd pierced in about a year, and it felt great.  i was a bit worried that i might be rusty (hahaha get it?  but really, surgical stainless steel doesn't rust) - i wasn't.  it was like riding a bike; once i got in the piercing room and familiarized myself with where everything was (this was in a new shop), it was like i'd never stopped piercing.

it made me wonder, for a moment, if i'd made a mistake.  maybe i shouldn't have stopped piercing.  then i remember how much money i was making (none) and all the neat stuff that's happened in the last year.  not that most of that stuff wouldn't have happened if i kept piercing, but it's not like i wasted a year.  i'd like to go back to piercing a day or two a week, just to get back into it and make a few bucks. because social work ain't paying the bills either.

but piercing will never pay the bills.  professional piercers are few and far between.  i've only met three people that eek out a living by piercing.  many tattoo artists also pierce, but it's not their bread and butter.  i could spend years perfecting my technique, even do another apprenticeship under someone who specializes in something different: surface piercings, genital piercings, whatever.  i could spend years becoming a great piercer - but to what end?  there's not a huge market for body piercers.  i'm never going to retire off the money i make sticking extra holes in people.  if i was or wanted to be a tattooist as well, that would be a different story.

'just a piercer'.  that's probably all i'll ever be in the body modification industry.  just a piercer and an enthusiast.

i feel like that happens to me a lot.  i wonder if i made the right choice, went in the right direction.  wondering if i should have taken out all these student loans.  wondering if i should have filled up the gas tank on the way home in case prices jump overnight.  wondering if i should clean the litter boxes tonight or tomorrow morning.  wondering if i'm ever going to make a living as a counselor.

so many unanswered questions.  life is a fascinating journey, isn't it?

you know i hate people... but omfg these people.

nothing is static.  everything changes.  i know this.  i've experienced this.

everything changes.

the non-profit i currently work for (very part time) pays me, like, nothing.  seriously.   the amount of money i spend in gas plus the time i spend commuting is almost not worth it.  so it's all about the experience.  sadly, what i'm doing is not only the absolute bottom of the ladder, but it's not really with the population i (think i) want to work with.

i think i've outlined it before, but let me go over my job again.  i make drinks.  i make iced tea, diet iced tea, fruit punch, and lemonade.  i put some chips and pretzels in bowls and dump a handful of individual sized bags of chips on a table.  i open a couple of packages of cookies and put them on said table. i ensure ice is available, as well as utensils, plates, and cups.  then i play dominos or 'socialize' with the attendees.  i then help serve dinner.  i wash the majority of the dishes, then socialize a bit more, then drive a few attendees home.  then it's back to the center to do nothing (or play candy crush) until it's time to go home.

i commute 35/40 minutes each way, three times a week.  it's putting miles on my leased car and it's evenings.  three nights a week i'm not home.  awesome husband @_antgas gets to go to the gym and play video games - and eat whatever is in the house.

now, it's not a bad job.  i like most of the people i work with.  it's the people we serve, the population we work for.  the non-profit i work for is a 'behavioral rehabilitation' center.  they have programs for all types of mental illnesses, psychiatric disorders, and substance abuse.  the people who come to the social program are not necessarily clients of the center - some of them are just people in the community who want to socialize (or, more accurately, get free food).  many of the people live in group homes, or 'community housing'.  most, if not all, are on some sort of public assistance: disability, welfare, medicaid, whatever.  so i get that they could use the food.  but they could be nicer about it.

and some of them are just plain crazy (remember, i'm crazy too).  but these people.  one hums like all. the. time.  and not along to anything - just hums.  one never washes.  one has had a double mastectomy and still smokes (and also doesn't wash).

i feel bad feeling this way, but i don't want to hang out with these people.

i don't want to drive people home in my nice, fairly new, expensive-monthly-lease-payment car.  the day after i washed it, someone put their hand palm down on the window.  i had a huge hand print for days.  some of these people have had bedbugs in the past.  i don't want to bring them home (the people or the bedbugs).  some of these people just don't wash, and i don't want their stink in my car.  one of them wears too much - way too much - perfume.  so much that it's infused the passenger seat belt and @_antgas can smell it when he rides in my car.

it's interesting that this started bugging me recently (an entire month after i started the job).  i was thinking about how to finish school.  should i bust my hump and try to finish this year?  what should i do about a masters program?  i made an appointment with my advisor and met with her.  we were thinking social work, taking my time with the classes so as not to risk my gpa, and starting my masters program in fall '15.

now?  not so sure.

do you know what social work means?  i mean, really?  a social work degree means serving those less fortunate.  it means working with the homeless, the mentally ill, the developmentally disabled.  it means working with the people i work with now.  it means working to gain them rights and respect and services.

these are all wonderful, nobel things.  but do you know what's missing from that list?

counseling.

sure, social workers can counsel people.  they can hang their own shingle, as it were, and provide counseling.  but social work degrees really focus on the social aspect of it.

do you know what i want to do?  my first stop is addictions counseling.  but do you know what i really think i want to do, something that really interests me?  i'd like to counsel privately.  i think i'd really like to study sexuality and gender issues... perhaps counseling lgbt adolescents.  maybe working with women and gender-related issues.

i don't think a social work masters will work.

there's another option on long island - a mental health counseling masters.  only one school offers it (and it's not as cheap as the nice, big, state school which has it's own school of social work). it focuses on counseling, on providing counseling, that stuff.  not so much the advocacy, the getting-of-services, stuff like that.  it focuses on counseling - and allows one to hang their own shingle.

i could go for this degree and go into practice for myself if i wanted.  i could study sexuality and gender identity issues and addiction and women's issues and whateverthefuckiwant and go counsel people about it.

i think i know which way i'm leaning, but it's not anywhere near where i thought i'd be:

• i used to think i'd be dead by 30, either from drugs or suicide (i'm 33).
• i always thought i'd commit suicide if my mother died because i couldn't live without her (she died when i was 30).
• i used to want a doctor to put me on disability so i could sit around and want to die in peace.
• i never thought i'd be in school at all, let alone for what i'm going for.
• i thought i'd always want to kill myself, have obsessive thoughts, hear my own voice in my head telling me horrible things about myself.

i just thought that was how it would be.  

it's not.  

continuing education

sometimes i wonder why i thought going to school full time and working full time was a good idea.

my work day lasts from 8:15am to 5pm monday through friday.  my commute is over 30 minutes (which is really not that bad at all... i shouldn't complain about that).  so i wake up at 6:30ish and get home at 5:30is.  which means about 11 hours of my day is geared toward dressing/makeup/commuting/work.  then i get home and have a snack, shower, dry my hair or whatever, cook dinner, and try to relax a bit.  in bed between 10-11pm, and then do the whole thing over again.

oh, and then factor in school.  mondays i wake up at 6:30, spend the day at work, and go to school.  i have just enough time to hit a drive through or chipotle for dinner before class.  which doesn't end until 9:15.  so i'm lucky to be home by 10pm.  a few minutes to unwind, a quick shower, and off to bed.  and every other saturday i spend the entire day in school.  from 8:30 to 4:45.

and then factor in homework.  i'm carrying a full class load and have a bucket of homework and research and writing and shit to do.

i shouldn't complain.  i know i shouldn't complain.  but really.  i came home from work, had some edamame, checked my email and what not, sat with awesome husband @_antgas for a few minutes, washed some dishes, juiced some carrots and apples and chard, showered, made dinner, ate dinner, and then tried to relax for a bit.

so i'm sitting on my couch, half watching 'the big bang theory'.  writing a blog.  with my shoulders all tied up in knots.  i'm assuming it's the stress that i'm hoarding.

i should probably schedule a massage.

i take three classes a trimester - yes, trimester.  i go to school year round.  16 weeks a trimester.  i think what bugs me the most about school is how this trimester i took a monday night class.  every monday night.

i won't be doing that again.

last trimester, i took two saturday classes (every other saturday, all day) and two online classes.  if you haven't taken online classes, they are no fucking joke.  online college is harder than 'traditional' college. there is a lot of crap and writing and whatever involved.  it is a lot of work.  i did my associate's degree all online and it was a lot of work.  it was only two classes at a time, but each class only lasted 9 weeks.  so it was very, very intense.

what i like about traditional college is the classroom experience.  i was scared about being in a room with people and having to have, you know. conversations and debates.  but i really like it.

of course, i have three term papers due in the next few weeks (i haven't started ANY OF THEM) and two big assignments due in less than two weeks.  but whatever.  i'm thrilled because i have an ENTIRE WEEKEND off.  i do not have to wake up saturday or sunday.  i am not setting my alarm.  i am shutting the bedroom door and ignoring the cats.

and there are only three days left until this beautiful, wondrous thing can happen.

then monday?  back to school.  it starts all over again.

damn it.

waiting for nemo.

it appears we name winter storms now.  the one that's currently bearing down on the northeast is named nemo.  we're under a blizzard warning from 6am tomorrow until 1pm saturday.  that's a long time.  like more than a day.  and the most recent models are calling for like 18 fucking inches.  that's ridiculous.

last friday a friend helped me with babycatz and trapped her.  we caught her and another cat - white cat with a bad leg - and my friend took them to a town shelter to be fixed and vaccinated.  turned out that babycatz had this raging infection in her uterus that has a really nasty name and that she would have died if we hadn't caught her!

so we had to keep her a few days to heal.  my friend took the male and kept him in her shed overnight, then let him go.  she also loaned us a dog crate that we set up for babycatz with a teeny litter box and a blanket.  babycatz didn't hate us the first couple of days when we brought her food and spoke nicely to her.  but by monday, she was just about done with us and did more hissing than anything.  so last night we let her go.  babycatz yowled the whole time being carried through the house in the crate and when she finally was near the door, awesome husband @_antgas poked at her through the crate so she'd notice the outside.  and off she ran.

we called her for bedtime snack and she didn't come.  i was worried she'd never come back, that she didn't trust us anymore.  that made me pretty sad last night.

then this morning, she wasn't waiting for breakfast.  awesome husband @_antgas was leaving and she always came running at the sound of the door.  he was about to walk down the stoop when babycatz appeared!  so she still likes us enough to let us feed her all the time!

and now i'm almost four weeks post op with my uterus.  and things seem to be going well.  i had my followup last week and my gyno said that she went in there with a camera after she burned that shit up and said she "got a nice, even char".  and she was talking about my uterus, not like a steak.  which was a little uncomfortable, but i'm glad to hear we got an even char on my endometrial lining so that my period fucking disappears.  she said it should either be gone or really light, so yay.

then i got a thingy from my school last weekend, and i was all like, wtf is this?  but it turns out i made the dean's list.  which is like grown up honor roll, i guess.  pretty neat.

awesome husband @_antgas and i are juicing now too.  we got a juicer and we juice veggies and fruit at night to supplement our diet.  we watched 'fat, sick, and nearly dead' and it seems like a really good thing to do.  because, you know.  we don't eat enough fruits and vegetables, so it seems like something we should do.  we thought about doing a juice fast, but that might be a bit much.  we'll see.

with winter storm nemo heading our way, i am planning on staying in the house all weekend.  i'm actually looking forward to two days of just hanging out.  i have a bunch of homework to do, so it will be nice to get to work on some of that.  i asked awesome husband @_antgas if he wanted to watch all of the 'star wars' movies, or all of the 'harry potter' movies.  he said we should watch 'the walking dead' on netflix, which we've never watched.  what would you pick?

world's worst blogger

...it's probably me.

seriously, i have people who actually (used to) read my blog.  and i ignore them for over a month.  like, a long time.

but let me make some excuses so i feel better.

as my regular readers may remember, i was offered a job back in august.  they wanted me to start august 22.  i was excited and spent too much money on office appropriate clothes and had my newly-brown hair touched up.  my hair was always reddish brown, until i started dying it pink.  but it's been nice having 'normal' hair.

and, you know.  not bleeding pink from my hair all over the place.

things were coming together.  right?

riiiiiiight.

the weekend before i was to start my new job, we had a couple of days off.  i was temporarily done with school and was not going into the shop all weekend because of other responsibilities.  so saturday night and sunday night i went out.  saturday to my aunt's to visit with family (and drink a pitcher of margaritas while eating steak) and sunday to outback with awesome husband @_antgas and my girl... where i had a pitcher of mango skinny margaritas and more steak.

aside from my eating/drinking habits that weekend, i has this twinge in my chest, like under my right breast.  eh, i figured i tweaked something at the gym.

monday morning around 4am i woke up to pee.  my chest was hurting pretty badly.  i went to stand up and it was really hard. and i went to sit on the toilet and that was really hard to do too.  breathing was pretty hard.  basically, EVERYTHING was really hard.  i was wondering if i was having a heart attack, but my left arm didn't hurt.  then i was thinking maybe i like broke a rib or something and it punctured my lung.  but i could breath - it just hurt like FUCK.

i spent about an hour trying to lay down in bed.  i'd try to lay on my side... it hurt.  it hurt to sit up.  the actual act of rolling over was excruciating.  finally i woke @_antgas up and told him we needed to go to the hospital.

so he took me to the emergency room.  because the pain was in the vicinity of my chest, they rushed me right in and did an EKG.  then they rushed me right in to see a doctor.  i put my little robe thingy on and started getting poked and prodded.  they put an iv in my arm (ugh i hate that shit) and starting doing tests and X-rays.

everything was good.  and then they started talking about my gallbladder.

ergh, what?

one of my old friends had her gallbladder out, and she had SO MUCH pain like every time she ate, no matter what she ate.  i don't have that problem.

they ordered an ultrasound and a hitascan?  no idea how to spell that.  but it turns out my gallbladder is chock full of stones.  and they were like, well we can take it out now or you can go home and see if it happens again.

i was started a job in two days.  recovery time is a week.  i was like, um i'm going the fuck home.  so they sent me on my way with some percocet and that's it.  no advice on what to eat/not to eat or anything.

my gallbladder was achy for a few days, but no major pain. every once in a while it hurts again, but it's not been too bad.  i followed up with their recommended surgeon who wants to take my gallbladder from me and i'm terrified.  but then i was like, of COURSE as surgeon is going to recommend surgery! so i set up an appointment with my regular doctor and asked around to see who was recommended.  i didn't want some kid doing my surgery, you know?

the pain hadn't been too bad... until today.  last week my PCP said my gallbladder needs to come out and recommended a surgeon (whom i did some research on and is highly regarded).  i was like, whatever i'll call when i call.  i'm busy with work and school and an upcoming vacation and trying to get all of my vaccinations in order for school.  you know, life.

but today i had to leave work early and come home.  the pain wasn't too bad, but i had a fever and chills, and this strange nausea.  and just sleepy, so sleepy.  so i came home and ate light, napped for a while, and feel a bit better.  and called the surgeon.  i have an appointment with him next thursday and i will be scheduling surgery with him.  it's about a week recovery so i'm hoping to schedule it on like a wednesday or thursday so maybe i can be back at work monday or tuesday - that way i won't miss a lot a lot of work.  because i'm taking off the last week of october/first week of november for a family cruise.  more on that later.

for now, weep for my gallbladder.  i would prefer to keep my body intact, and i'm terrified of laparoscopic surgery because they'll go near my belly button.  and i'm not cool with that.  when we were little, my mom used to tell me and my brother that our arms, head, and legs were attached behind our belly button, like a puppet.  because we would play with our belly buttons (specifically my brother, he dug around in there like woah) (we were LITTLE KIDS.  gods, get a grip).

i mean, i know that's not true.  but you spend so many years avoiding your belly button and punching people who touch it, and it leaves an impression.  there will be an incision and, like, stitches there.  ergh.

have you had surgery?  what organs are you missing?  i've had two wisdom teeth out, but that's it.

and now i'm a college graduate. sort of.

so i finished my first two years at university of phoenix.  i applied for my diploma and should have it within the next few weeks.  i have an associate of arts in psychology.  and i have a 3.92 GPA.  which is pretty fucking sweet.

i've requested my transcripts be sent to my next school, st. joseph's college.  i will be starting there this september.  i'm working towards a bachelor's in community health and human services.  and i'll be able to take the credentialing exam to become an alcohol and substance abuse counselor.  which i'm really excited about.

i didn't get that job.  the job that i used to have, that i was pretty sure i'd get.  yah, didn't get it.  fuck that noise.  so i'm all over the interwebz throwing out applications and resumes like woah.  i've had a couple of call backs and am excited to get out there.  i've found some REALLY NEAT opportunities that i'm so fucking stoked about it's not even funny.

of course, i won't get THOSE jobs.  i'll get, like, the basic customer service job.

but there's a not for profit on long island that works with homeless and low income people who either have or are at risk for HIV/AIDS.  they are looking for a follow-up person.  so the case workers/managers, you know.  work and manage the case.  and the follow-upper goes and checks on the people to make sure they're getting and using the benefits and shit that the mangers/workers got for them.  which is really an amazing sounding job and i really want it.

i've also gotten a call back from a local cable provider (or a company that does their hiring... that better mean they provide their benefits too) and a marketing firm thingy.  they're opening new offices and are looking for customer service reps and markety people and all shit like that.  but i've applied for A LOT of jobs.  like 53 that i have information saved on.

fifty.  three.  jobs.

i mean, i have to get one, right?  and i'm qualified for all of them.  i have years of customer service experience, data entry experience, and reception experience.  i love working with people (even though i really don't LIKE most people) and am good at it.  i'm self-motivating, have good time management skills, and a very professional manner.

so, i have to get one.  right?

RIGHT????

because i need a new job.  one with benefits.  so awesome husband (@_antgas, seriously follow him because he never tweets but often puts up funny pics on instagram) can work fewer hours and lose his benefits and go to school full time.  he really wants to get into school.  nursing school.  that will be fun.  i'm excited for him and i'm excited for me.  i never thought i'd be planning my future, but hey - here we are, planning our future.

i've just been so BUSY.  i planned a graduation party for me and it happened last sunday.  i'd love to tell you i have a fuckload of photos to post, but i don't have any.  seriously, i have like no pictures of this awesome party that i planned and pulled off.  there was food, a big tent, pretty floral centerpieces that i made myself, eight dozen quiche that i made myself, six dozen cupcakes that i made myself.

well, the cupcakes were from boxed mixes.  but i made the frosting myself.

we also had like a gazillion pounds of fruit that @_antgas cut up.  and nine liters of sangria.  and 84 bottles of beer (not on a wall, they were in a cooler).  and a fuckton of bottled water.  and twenty 2-liter bottles of soda.

and we have like two thirds of it all left.  people drank, like, 18 beers.  WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?

but we ate almost all of a 6' hero.  and the majority of the quiche.  so, there's that.

now @_antgas and i have buckets of sangria and beer to finish off.  which will take forever.

especially because @_antgas is having surgery on monday.  nothing big, people, just a little procedure.  he'll be in and out of the hospital in a few hours.  and will be home from work for two fucking weeks.  mostly playing video games.  and i'm hoping he can push a damn vacuum around too.

so.  since i don't have any really exciting shit to share, feel free to look at a bunch of pictures of me and my cats, whom you know and love.  

this is babyjakes blocking my bedroom door.  good job.

i am a self-professed shoe whore.  i love these shoes.  i have walked in the lace-patterned ones, not the black booties yet.  we'll see.

OMFG BABYJAKES.  he's too cute.

samantha cat, lounging

samantha and i, snuggletime on the couch

piggy mama, being adorable as always

me, on my way to my brother's engagement party

me again, at my brother's engagement party

thanks to my coworker.  i wasn't sure it was a trap.  glad i know now.

sammy baby sleeping on her daddy's (@_antgas) pillow

babycat jake after knocking over the cat toy box

my most recent tattoo addition.  bonus points if you can tell me where it's from.

me wearing an apron.  i was making a lot of fucking mini quiche.

my graduation party

sammy baby in her new collar.  there are lady bugs on it.