home with with cats

i'm still so sick.  i'm completely over it.  i had to call into my intership today, which i hate doing.  but it's like every morning i've woken up and felt worse.  i went to urgent care on sunday and got some antibiotics and flonase and whatever.  the doctor said it's an upper respiratory infection and i'm so over it.  i'm going to see my rheumatologist tomorrow to talk about starting a new biologic medication - of course, i won't be able to start until after this stupid plague is done.  humira is most likely next on the list.

samantha has been snuggling with me a lot.  jake has HATED piglet since she came home from the vet on friday with her saddlebag of saline (cats get like a lump area where the fluid collects after received subq fluids.  it gets absorbed over a couple of hours).  every time he saw piglet, jake would just start hissing.  now she can sometimes get close to him, especially at feeding time, before he starts hissing.  i'm not sure what to make of it.  at first, i was like, maybe she smells like the vet or like alcohol - i remember one time when samantha went to the vet, piglet hissed at her for a day or so and sammy had blood drawn, so she smelled a bit like rubbing alcohol.  but it's been like four days, jake, calm the fuck down.

but then i think, what if jake can tell something big is wrong?  what if now he knows that piglet is, like, dying or something and he's scared?  what if her aura has changed and jake is sensitive to that?

or what if jake is just a huge fucking asshole of a cat?

anyway, we have antibiotic pills that we have to give piglet daily.  amoxicillin, 50mg.  it's not easy to pill a cat.  but we're working on it.  i've also done some food research with the help of a friend who owns a pet store and has some friends in the know.  i wanted a kibble that is okay for all of the cats because it's hard to keep them out of each other's kibble - they don't always eat it all at once.  when i feed them wet food, i watch them so it's easier to keep them separated.  we decided on a wellness kibble with high quality protein sources, but it has grain.  i'm not thrilled because jake seemed to be doing very well on grain free.  we'll see what happens there.  as for food, right now sammy and jake are going to finish up some of the freeze dried raw we have and for piglet we have a couple of cans of iams and purina kidney diet.  i'm hoping to order a couple of cans of royal canin's kidney diet too and see which piglet likes.  she's actually eating most of the iams, so that's something.

the problem is breakfast and nighttime snack - we don't always watch them.  so nighttime snack is kibble and for now breakfast is too.  once i'm not sick any longer and am waking up early again, the cats will probably get a quality wet food, not prescription.  i know so many people are like 'but your cat needs prescription food, that's what the vet says'.  and i totally respect the vet's advice.  as intent as i have been feeding raw, it's not good for all cats and i understand that now.  sammy and jake seem to be doing okay on raw, but it's like i don't know what to do.  we fed taylor whatever crap food and he developed kidney failure.  we put him to sleep three years ago last week - on march 8.  piglet was diagnosed march 7.  annoying and kind of creepy.  but i kept him alive for about 5 years on a diet that i figured out, and it did not revolve around prescription foods.  yes, we fed him the iams rx canned food for a few months, but as i learned more i changed what we fed them.  for the last two or three years of his life, he did not eat any rx food.

meanwhile, piglet has had good or premium quality food from the age of 1.  i have always tried to do the best by her.  and she developed kidney failure about two years younger than taylor did.  and her kidney failure is more progressed than his.  based on the numbers i'm seeing and some comparative googling, she's lost like 80% of her kidney function.  taylor's numbers were never this high.  and we got them lower over time by adjusting his diet.  plus let's add in the whole blood and pus in the urine. could that be a raging kidney infection?  sure.  could it be a thousand other things like cancer (that's how we discovered nibbler had lymphoma - blood and pus in the urine)?

and of course, now piglet's tooth has to stay put.  no idea what it actually is - the vet won't say it's feline odontoclastic resorption, but also mentioned that it looked like it could be something worse and wanted to biopsy it.  piglet is still hungry and purry and snuggles with me a bit - but she seems lethargic.  her breath is horrible - worse than normal cat breath.  and it's not like i don't think piglet is worth spending money, but i think there's a limit.  especially now that i know she's in kidney failure.  is it worth extracting the tooth for her comfort?  of course.  is it worth doing a biopsy on the gum to see if it's cancer or something?  maybe not.  it's a couple hundred dollars and it doesn't fucking matter - she. is. in. kidney. failure.  taking out the tooth isn't going to fix this.

there is no cure for this, only treatment.  only ways to try and help her kidneys function as best as possible for as long as possible.  this could easily include subq fluids at home.  how long is piglet going to like that?  how are we supposed to know when enough is enough?  it's so hard.  i don't want to seem like one of those people who just randomly puts cats to sleep because they cost too much - far from it.  i am one of those people who randomly puts animals to sleep when their quality of life declines to a point.  i called around to numerous vets when we were moving to florida to put a dwarf hamster with a tumor down.  the stress of the drive alone would have been enough to give a dwarf hamster a heart attack (literally, not figuratively).  i finally found one who was willing to try since there's no like vet-approved amount of sleepytime drug to put a dwarf hamster down.

cats are notorious for not letting people know things.  like when they hurt.  taylor could have been in pain for days, weeks even, before the day he went downhill quickly.  cats don't just purr when they're happy - they purr when they're in pain to comfort themselves.

i have this love/hate relationship with the web.  it helped me learn about feline kidney failure and helped me find new things to try.  it helped me discover feline herpes and enabled me to work with my vet at the time to treat it.  but it also shows me a list of things that say 'your cat is sicker than you think'.  piglet has numerous signs that put her at last stage 3 or possibly stage 4 kidney failure.  most vets recommend euthanizing cats in stage 4.  can piglet afford to wait a month on this food without subq fluids to see if her numbers stabilize?  how much more aggressive should we be?  so many questions with no good answers.

cookies and pizza. yum.

today is probably one of my worst rheumatoid disease days yet.

i am calling it rd, rheumatoid disease, now.  i think that using the word arthritis gives people the wrong idea.  it's not 'just arthritis'.  

i participated in a twitter chat last weekend (#rheum).  it was kind of nice to see other people have the same questions, concerns, and feelings that i do.  it's always nice to have your feelings validated.

but today i woke up with so much hand pain.  my hips hurt, my head hurts, my ankles and feet hurt.  but OHMYFUCKINGGODS my hands.  my fingers, my wrists, my knuckles.  all of it.  

in happy news, yesterday a tiny person and her mother knocked on my apartment door looking to sell girl scout cookies.  YES PLEASE.  but $4 a box?  when i was a brownie selling cookies for the first time, they were $1.50 a box.  guess i'm older than i thought i was.  two boxes each of thin mints (for awesome husband @_antgas), samosa, and savannah smiles.  i love lemon flavored things.

it snowed a bunch yesterday.  the roads weren't too bad today, and it got warm enough that some of the snow melted.  but yesterday it snowed on top of snow left over from last week's snow storm.  oh, and it's going to snow again overnight tonight.  so when i wake up tomorrow morning, there will be snow from three snow storms piled up all over the place.  amazing.  and it's barely february.  we have months of this shit left.  my birthday is mid-march, and i was born during a blizzard.  i've had to cancel or change birthday plans numerous times because of snow.  fuck.

i wish i had something more useful to say.  i went to my internship today, i remembered to eat, i voided my bladder numerous times.  i'm feeling sleepy and achy and lazy now, and i'm planning on ordering pizza for dinner and crying.

because aunt motherfucking becky said so.

according to aunt motherfucking becky, i'm apparently supposed to do things like this near new year's day.  i'll do it now, and i might even post something serious and introspective later.  

or not.  or maybe photos of my cats.  maybe.  we'll see.

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

worked for free.  as an intern.  i love the experience, but i really really miss the paycheck.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

i don't do resolutions.  i think it's setting myself up for failure.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

....it's hard to define 'close'.  family or close friends?  nope.  

4. Did anyone close to you die?

let's see... 2013.... nope, no one that close to me died.  

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

a job in my chosen career field with a paycheck.

6. What countries did you visit?

new jersey.  wait.  i didn't leave the country this year.  

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

ummmmm...... hmph.  maybe the day i quit my well-paying desk job to make no money in my chosen field?  maybe the day i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis?  maybe the first day i took chemotherapy.  that might be it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

not going back to a paying desk job and staying in school.  

also, completing another year NOT seeing 'two girls, one cup'.  regardless of how many time awesome husband @_antgas tries to get me to see it.

9. What was your biggest failure?

fuck failure.  i try to look at everything as a learning experience.  but i did fuck up a dozen cookies.  i tried to make them bigger.  not a good idea.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

hahahahahahahaha.  yes.  

11. What was the best thing you bought?

i just treated myself to my second coach bag of the year.  i spend money on dumb things.  but i also bought myself a heated blanket.  yum.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

mine for not killing stupid fucking asshats?  does that count?  also, awesome husband @_antgas for putting up with my shenanigans for another year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

people in general.  they are quite often asshats.  also, men who think women dressing a certain way means she should be raped.  that kind of reddit crap.

14. Where did most of your money go?

i don't make a lot of money.  awesome husband @_antgas shares with me.  most of it goes to rent and food and car payments... you know. living expenses.  and some to cats and medication.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

that one of my oldest, bestest friends lent me her citi card to get billy joel tickets for next march.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

meh.  'summertime sadness' by lana del ray because i still can't get it out of my damn head.  

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? ....happier?

ii. thinner or fatter? no change.

iii. richer or poorer? poorer. see: 1, 5, 7.  poorer.  

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

stayed positive?  i don't know.  

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

worrying.  worrying and being anxious and whatnot.  crap.

20. How will you be did you spending Christmas?

woke up earlyish and made waffles, brunch squares (like quiche), bacon, veggie sausage, and cinnamon rolls for awesome husband, my dad, my brother, sisterfromanothermister, and her mom.  they came over to open presents and whatnot.  then we went to my inlaws for a couple of hours where people coughed near me and i lost my damn mind, then went to my dad's brother's house and visited with that side of the family where no one coughed near me.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

i'll answer the 21 that aunt becky came up with.

21. Why does the term “designer drugs” conjure up an image of a bunch of pills hanging out wearing tiny Chanel and Prada clothing and snappy accessories?

it really doesn't to me.  i think more of ecstasy and club drugs and the like.  but i like the idea of pills wearing prada.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?

i've been married for almost a decade and banging the same guy since 1997.  i don't know if this is an appropriate answer, but this is what you get.  

23. How many one-night stands?

really?  see above.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

the walking dead maybe.  i really like bob's burgers too.  and cartoons in general.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

hate is a wasted emotion.  i'm not going to waste my energy hating people.  stupid.

26. What was the best book you read?

'dad is fat' by jim gaffigan.  hahaha.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

ergh, what?

28. What did you want and get?

i mostly get what i want.  that sounds bitchy, but if i really want something, like REALLY, i work to find a way to get it.  like playstation 4.  we wanted it, we found a way to get it.  boom.  QED.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

harry potter?  does that still count?  i have no idea when it came out.  but i haven't seen a movie in the theater in a long time.  we did see 'jurassic park 3d' when it came out.  i think that might have been this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

i think maybe we went out to dinner?  no idea.  and i was 32 and 33 on my last birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

not sure.  i try to be happy with what i have.  it's not easy but i'm trying.  so stop asking annoying questions like that.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

my what?  i don't know.  i'm not 15.  or a model.

34. What kept you sane?

pills.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

well i still quite fancy nigella lawson.  she's HAWT.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

hahahahahahahaha 

37. Who did you miss?

my mom.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

i don't really know.  trying to think of new people i met this year.  it's kind of a blur.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:

life.  loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it.  

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year (because this Meme is apparently written for tweens):

really?  i'm not a 16 year old girl suffering her first broken heart.  i'm starting to regret ever listening to aunt motherfucking becky and doing this. 

good thing i'm done.  so, do this if you want and link back to me or whatever.  or don't do it.  i'll live with the rejection.

wondering....

i love pinterest.  a lot.  i pin lots of stuff.  guess what my pinterest handle is?  go on, guess.

steph gas.

surprising, i know.

anyhow, i have a few different boards: body modifications, meat-free food, stuff i love.  whatever.  one of the biggest problems i have with the tattoo and piercing pins are that they're all the same shit.  it's the same handful of tattoos over and over.  the same mermaid drawings that say 'omg this will be my next tattoo'.  the same photo of a skinny girl with text on her ribs that says 'i love the placement but not the words'.  and even the 'i don't like tattoos, but if i ever got one, it would be like this'.

if you don't like tattoos.... why the everliving fuck are you looking at tattoos on pinterest??!

it's the same with piercings.  tons of triple forward helix piercings, double lip piercings, cute earrings, and some surface piercings.  and of course, the play piercings.  often with a comment about how bad they are or how stupid they look or 'ew' or something like that.

i think play piercings are exquisite.

****photos may not be safe for work/family.  also may be triggering to some people.  proceed with caution***

















some are kind of lame...

from bmezine.com.  pretty basic.

some are kind of strange....

from mythrabodyart.deviantart.com

.... and some are seriously exquisite.  specific, carefully planned works of art.

posted on a random blog, originally from body piercers.org

discovered on tumblr: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/play-piercings

found at http://weheartit.com/entry/26478039

it is mainly done for artistic purposes.  the needles used are small gauge and will stay in place for a few hours at most.  then they are removed and the holes close up.  

perhaps even more intriguing to me is pulling or suspension.  this is when piercings are used to anchor string or something like it.  the piercings are not like normal piercings - they are done with special hooks.  

http://weheartit.com/entry/26478039

https://www.facebook.com/UrbanRitualsPiercingsAndSuspension?filter=1

pulling is a ritualistic action where play piercings with hooks are used to connect a person to another living thing, often other people.  one person may lean back, 'pulling' on the piercings of the other participant(s); then another leans back and pulls on the piercings, etc.  it's done in a rhythmic way and often is used to raise and pool energy.

http://blog.bodycandy.com/2013/05/15/extreme-body-mod-hook-suspensions-and-energy-pulls/

another FYI, if you do google play piercings, some of the images are disturbing.  i think some people do it as a form of self-mutilation or as a part of blood play or something.  because there is really no reason for that much blood to be all over the place.  some of those photos.... ugh.

last sunday the tattoo parlor i apprenticed at held their annual tattoos for cancer research fundraiser.  select tattoos are done for a set donation.  last year and this year they added piercings, which i was honored to perform.  i did about 15 piercings for a great cause.  it was actually the first time i'd pierced in about a year, and it felt great.  i was a bit worried that i might be rusty (hahaha get it?  but really, surgical stainless steel doesn't rust) - i wasn't.  it was like riding a bike; once i got in the piercing room and familiarized myself with where everything was (this was in a new shop), it was like i'd never stopped piercing.

it made me wonder, for a moment, if i'd made a mistake.  maybe i shouldn't have stopped piercing.  then i remember how much money i was making (none) and all the neat stuff that's happened in the last year.  not that most of that stuff wouldn't have happened if i kept piercing, but it's not like i wasted a year.  i'd like to go back to piercing a day or two a week, just to get back into it and make a few bucks. because social work ain't paying the bills either.

but piercing will never pay the bills.  professional piercers are few and far between.  i've only met three people that eek out a living by piercing.  many tattoo artists also pierce, but it's not their bread and butter.  i could spend years perfecting my technique, even do another apprenticeship under someone who specializes in something different: surface piercings, genital piercings, whatever.  i could spend years becoming a great piercer - but to what end?  there's not a huge market for body piercers.  i'm never going to retire off the money i make sticking extra holes in people.  if i was or wanted to be a tattooist as well, that would be a different story.

'just a piercer'.  that's probably all i'll ever be in the body modification industry.  just a piercer and an enthusiast.

i feel like that happens to me a lot.  i wonder if i made the right choice, went in the right direction.  wondering if i should have taken out all these student loans.  wondering if i should have filled up the gas tank on the way home in case prices jump overnight.  wondering if i should clean the litter boxes tonight or tomorrow morning.  wondering if i'm ever going to make a living as a counselor.

so many unanswered questions.  life is a fascinating journey, isn't it?