monday update - including new tattoo!

it's kind of amazing how things change.

a few months ago, i wrote this blog about... well, disconnecting from a woman i was very good friends with.  it's a bit strange how it all happened.  my friend is also my tattoo artist and is her tattoo artist as well.  the tattoo artist tagged her in an instagram photo one day and i insta-stalked her feed.

i know, kind of strange.  creepy.  whatever, go fuck yourself.  i did it.  you know you've done something like it.

so i saw... well, i saw a woman who had changed for the better in a lot of ways.  she seemed freer, happier, even more herself than she was when we still hung out regularly.  i still thought about sending her a card.  i ended up following her on instagram, thinking that if she straight out blocked me it was a sign that whatever had happened had irreparably damaged our relationship.  she didn't block me.

one day she posted something on instagram that really made me think.  it said "sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation".  it resonated with me.  i realized that i put expectations on our relationship - i expected her to support me in a way she was unable to at the time.  it was like the situation (at least my part/side of it) became so clear to me.  so i direct messaged her, letting her know that the post made me think, and what it made me think about, and trying to take responsibility for my part in whatever had happened.  she messaged me back, she took responsibility for her part in what happened - and that was important to me.  it validated what others had told me: i hadn't done anything wrong per se.  i hadn't driven her away or done something so bad/wrong/whatever.  it was just we were both in specific places that almost made it impossible for us to be there for each other, for us to be friends at that time.

we ended up meeting for dinner a couple of weeks ago.  it was strange at first: she's in a MUCH different place in her life than she was about 15 months prior when we stopped talking.  but i am, too.  i'm in a much healthier place.  she's in a much healthier place.  we're both more honest with ourselves and with others.  and seriously - it was almost like no time had passed.  it's the same, but it's different - it's a different relationship that is healthier and more balanced for both of us.  and i'm thrilled to have it back.

i've also committed to an amazing thigh tattoo by said tattoo artist.  pam poovey from archer is like my spirit animal.  i love her (i haven't seen season 5 yet, i've been told that might change, but seriously - i don't care.  she's been amazing through 4 seasons).  when my artist was working on awesome husband @_antgas' hand tattoos, i mentioned how pam poovey was my spirit animal and she went nuts - she said she really really wanted to do an archer tattoo.  we worked on some ideas, she drew up an amazing tattoo, and i recently had the outline done on my outer left thigh.

seriously - this tattoo is super bad ass.  follow @misstattootara on instagram.

yeah.  it's pretty awesome.  and in reality, the fact that it's on my thigh is a big deal for me.  i follow a lot of body positive blogs and instagram accounts and twitter and shit like that.  and i've seen photos of SO MANY beautiful big women with awesome thigh tattoos.  i think it's super sexy and makes them look really confident and i started thinking about getting a thigh tattoo about a year ago.  i had settled on a couple of other ideas when my tattoo artist said she wanted to do an archer tattoo.  

pam poovey is kind of another big girl who is awesome.  i mean, if you watch archer, you're probably familiar with some of her exploits and background from the first four seasons.  let's see: she kicked men's asses in underground fights to pay her way through college.  she has an infatuation with lana but still bangs archer for a while.  she says what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about what people think about it.  she's a little crass and really bold and super confident.  yet she's a damn HR rep... sure, she's not always great at her job, but still.  pam poovey is really my spirit animal; a lot of her character is who i want to be or who i already am.  i'm a fat girl who metaphorically kicks ass, i'm bisexual, and (outside of work) i say what i mean and refuse to sugar coat it.  

whatever - i identify with pam poovey.  and i love my tattoo, and i can't wait to have it colored in.

my tattoo artist is on instagram - @misstattootara.  seriously, she does amazing work.  if you're on long island and in need of a tattoo, DM her.  and, hey, i'm on instagram and twitter @stephgas.  

i'm also working on a lot of crap with my therapist.  i've started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, am addressing some of my disordered eating behaviors (unhappily but whatever), and working out.  i'm not watching what i eat or working out to lose weight - i'm doing it to feel good.  that seems to make it more enjoyable because i'm not obsessing over every calorie eaten and burned.  i'm weight lifting with awesome husband @_antgas and a couple of his coworkers.  my brother and sisterfromanothermister occasionally join in as well.  awesome husband @_antgas is all about going hard and 'gains'.  the phrase 'gains, bro' is uttered numerous times, often in jest but not really 100% joking.  i hit a new PR (personal record) on saturday with a 910lb straight leg press.  yesterday my PR was 115lb chest fly thingy.  i don't know the names of everything, i just wander around behind awesome husband @_antgas and wait for him to tell me what to do.  honestly, that makes it fun and easy and i really like working out.  it just makes me feel good.  

so, new ink, new meds, new weight training - a lot of things going on but it's all good... it's all healthy.

cellulitis

it sounds a lot more glamorous... well, not really.  it sounds kind of gross.

but it's what i have apparently.

so remember the last time we spoke? i mentioned my new tattoo.  i'm now twelve days post-tattoo. the swelling has gone down dramatically - it's really not too swollen most of the time.  if i haven't elevated it for a bit, or do too much walking (like on saturday), the swelling is really concentrated around my ankle and a  bit around the tattoo itself.

yesterday....

ugh.  yesterday.

i kept my foot up just about all day and then went to an appointment at school.  putting my foot down was still painful - still a bit of that searing, burning pain as the blood drained back into my calf and foot.  but then the pain like actually behind the tattoo was still there.  over the past week, it was hard to get started walking, but once i started it was pretty painless.

not yesterday.

so when i got home i had a complete nervy b and lost my rag.  i was crying and having bad thoughts and considering a drive to the hospital.  it's not like i'm going to kill myself over a painful tattoo.  but if you're crazy like me and know depression lies, sometimes the lies come out of nowhere and ruin everything.

luckily i have an awesome husband and he helped me stay calm(ish).  i woke up early this morning to go to work and omfg my leg.  my ankle was ridiculous.  my calf, the area behind the tattoo, was killing me.  like really painful, even if i didn't have weight on it.  i thought it would work itself out, so i got ready for work and hobbled to the car.

i made it about 30 minutes down the highway and realized something was not right.  pressing on the accelerator was hurting my ankle.  my calf still hurt.  the pain was pretty bad.  like, bad enough that i was fighting tears.  i decided i had to turn around and do something.  i didn't want to go to the emergency room alone, so i thought i'd try a local urgent care center that just opened.

it wasn't open yet.  it opened at 8am.  it was 7:01.  so i drove home.  and spent probably the longest 50 minutes of my life waiting.

i did not elevate my leg because i didn't want it to feel better and then have to put it down and OMFG SEARING PAIN.  but leaving it down hurt.  that didn't happen yesterday - once it was down and the blood returned to the area, it didn't really hurt at all.  so i was very uncomfortable.  i hobbled back to the car and drove to the urgent care and filled out their paperwork and saw the nurse.  she said, oh, looks like cellulitis.  i was like, what's that?  super nasty swelling?  she was like, basically.  the doctor will be right in.

the doctor came in - he was very nice.  i told him that the actual healing of the tattoo seemed normalish for me - a bit slower than usual.  but the redness and scabbing seemed pretty normal compared to what happened last time.  he poked a bit at the area and started manipulating my ankle.  he said what i was saying almost sounded like a sprain - there shouldn't be that kind of pain, especially this long after the tattoo and considering how much the swelling has already gone down.  he felt the swelling and listened to what i said and considered my RA and the meds i'm on.  he decided it sounds like cellulitis.

so according to webMD and my sister-from-another-mister's mom (who works for her dad who is an amazeballs surgeon), cellulitis is a skin and sub-cutaneous tissue infection.  from the bit of dr. googling i've done since coming home, it seems that my RA medications lowered my immune system more than i expected.  i've never got an infection following a tattoo (it's not very common if you take care of your new tattoo) so what follows is all conjecture.

the swelling was more than normal, but it was a big tattoo and caused a lot of trauma.  i followed my normal after care routine but i think my suppressed immune system meant the tattoo wasn't healing as fast as it usually would, leaving more opportunity for bacteria to infiltrate.  once that happened, my suppressed immune system was not only unable to keep healing my tattoo well, but it couldn't fight off the bacteria as expected.

now i have an infection.  i think it is definitely sub-cutaneous now that i've read some symptoms and what not.  the pain i'm having in the area like behind my tattoo and towards the ankle sounds like it's more than just a skin infection.  and the absolute fuckton of antibiotics the doctor put me on makes me feel like it's way more than just a skin infection.  apparently, cellulitis can become bad enough that one needs to be hospitalized for intravenous antibiotics.

so, does this count as my first RA-related secondary illness?

the urgent care doc said that if it gets any worse OR does not get any better over the next couple of days, i should go to to emergency room.  so if it doesn't get better, i'll be spending black friday in the emergency room.

happy thanksgiving.

a continuing whirlwind of slowness and crap

i know, it's a stupid title.  i can't always be witty and awesome.

well, i can.  and i am.  but i'm just not really putting in the effort right now.

my leg is *still* swollen, but i've been able to like, you know.  walk around.  a bit.  it still hurts.  i'm shocked that a damn tattoo can cause this kind of problem for this length of time.  i've put myself on prednisone to see if it helps (it really hasn't) so i'm going to taper off that again.  it hasn't really helped my RA either.  hmm.

now tuesday i had an appointment with my rheumy.  she said my hands and fingers were A LOT more swollen than last time.  oh, okay.  i guess because i see them every day, i don't notice it.  she said that means the RA is progressing.  i told her the pain and everything was still there.  so she decided to up my methotrexate (the chemo medication) and prep me to add a biologic next month.  you see the commercials for biologics on television: enbrel, humira, etc.  that's freaking me out a little.  but we'll figure it out.

then my paid job turned to an unpaid internship.  the organization that hired me is willing to let me do my internship there but internships are not paid.  it's good that i'll still be working there and getting my hours in and whatever, but i kind of wanted a job.  i do have an interview for a per diem counseling job, so that might help.

i really wish i had funny or insightful things to say.  i don't.  i've been pretty lame for a couple of weeks.  i've been really headachy and still fatigued and tired and now this past week my leg has been, ugh.  just horrible.  so i don't want to do anything.

awesome husband @_antgas and i have the entire weekend off together with minimal plans - dinner with his parents one night.  that's it.  i'm really looking forward to that.  just a bunch of down time.  hopefully my leg stops hurting and we can snuggle or something.

the slowest whirlwind ever

my whirlwind week/week and a half has been slow.  i've spent a large part of it sitting on my ass on the couch, some time at my desk, a few hours in the car, and two days at work with dad.  but a lot has happened.

well, not a lot.  it just feels like a lot.

so, at our last meeting, i had received my flu shot and met with my advisor.  i had no adverse reactions to the flu shot - just like a little knot under the skin that was a bit sore for a couple of days.

and then i reached out to the woman at school who sets up the internships.  and apparently in june new york state changed EVERYTHING in the mental health systems.  so now i can't take all three 'classes' for my practicum in one semester.  it's 300 hours and now we have to take them spread out over six months.  so two classes in spring and one in summer.  IF i can get into an internship.  because apparently it's hard to get into one.  fuck.  FUUUUUCK.

now the big problem here is the job that i accepted wants me to have my training certification ASAP so i can do billable work (like actually counseling people).  i can't get that certification until AFTER my practicum is complete.  so even if i can start right away in january, i won't be cert'd until june.  now i don't know what is going to happen.  but if you remember, i had turned down a full time reception job at another substance abuse center for this part time counseling job.

i'm trying not to stress about it, but part of my feels like dropping out of school and just getting another desk job.  it's like, why bother?  it's so expensive and it's such a hassle and, to be honest, i'll probably make more at a good desk job than as a counselor.  compared to my last desk job (data entry, customer service, reception) the counseling job is like a $5 an hour pay CUT.

yeah.  so i'm going to be making less money when i have to pay back all of my student loans.  excellent.

now on friday i had a tattoo appointment with one of my artists who moved to north carolina.  he does guest spots up in new york a few times a year, so i got in on that.  i had a small fairy that i wanted covered up because i want my right calf to be all traditional style tattoo work.  he got to work with a handful of sharpie markers and drew something up.  right on my leg.

this is just sharpies.  he drew it freehand.  and you can kind of see the black fairy with blue and purple wings that we covered up.

 now, i was 'in the chair' for three hours (i wasn't actually sitting.  i was lying down on my stomach with my leg out.).  it took a little short of an hour to do the outline and then about two hours for color.  he kept talking about putting a color splash behind it, but about 2:40 into the session i was hitting my wall.  this is what i ended up with...

follow my artists' awesome work on instagram @jonronzka

 i'm very, very happy with how it came out.  i still want to put a lighthouse somewhere on that leg, and i'm considering a compass and/or an anchor and/or a ship's wheel too.  but considering what happened the next day, i'm not too sure now.

some swelling is normal.  but omfg i am swelling A LOT.  it is so fucking painful to put my foot down after it's been up; all the blood rushing down is like a searing pain.  and then walking on it is horrible.  it's all the swelling.  here's what my feet look like today....

pretty easy to see which leg was tattooed.  i like how my right foot has absolutely no definition.  but i have a sweet ass cankle going on.  so, there's that.

generally, you don't ice tattoos.  some people think it's bad for the healing, some think it's bad for the ink.  it's just not usually done.  and seriously, on a tattoo this size with this much swelling, i don't think it would help.  i kind of feel like i want to prick holes in my foot and ankle.  it actually feels like it's full of crap and it's pressurized.  i still have redness around the tattoo itself - totally normal for me.  my last calf tattoo had redness for almost two weeks.  i have sensitive skin.

my inner calf tattoo took about 1:45 and i didn't have this much swelling.  none of the smaller tattoos i have on my calves swelled much at all.  so i think the moral of this story is 'don't have more than about an hour and a half of work done below the waist at a time'.  it's just too much trauma and irritation to my skin.

i was very interested to see how the healing process went since i'm on methotrexate (chemo).  my tattoo artist on long island did some touch up work almost three weeks ago and the healing seemed to go pretty normal for me.  maybe a teensy bit slower than normal, but my normal is so fucked up anyway.  i think it healed well.  which is nice because that was her test spot - hopefully now she can finish up my forearm.  we just have some touchups to do, a small starfish, and then background.  i'm very excited for it, but it will probably wait until after the holidays.  maybe.  we'll see.

i'm starting to get a bit nervous for the holidays.  we've saved up money each week to give to the 'kids'.  we have my twin sisters, two nieces, and two nephews who we still give gifts to.  they're getting cash.  so now i have to focus on buying something each week for one of the remaining people: my brother, my soon to be sister in law, my dad, the in laws.... oh, and maybe a little something for awesome husband @_antgas :)

and now i'm a college graduate. sort of.

so i finished my first two years at university of phoenix.  i applied for my diploma and should have it within the next few weeks.  i have an associate of arts in psychology.  and i have a 3.92 GPA.  which is pretty fucking sweet.

i've requested my transcripts be sent to my next school, st. joseph's college.  i will be starting there this september.  i'm working towards a bachelor's in community health and human services.  and i'll be able to take the credentialing exam to become an alcohol and substance abuse counselor.  which i'm really excited about.

i didn't get that job.  the job that i used to have, that i was pretty sure i'd get.  yah, didn't get it.  fuck that noise.  so i'm all over the interwebz throwing out applications and resumes like woah.  i've had a couple of call backs and am excited to get out there.  i've found some REALLY NEAT opportunities that i'm so fucking stoked about it's not even funny.

of course, i won't get THOSE jobs.  i'll get, like, the basic customer service job.

but there's a not for profit on long island that works with homeless and low income people who either have or are at risk for HIV/AIDS.  they are looking for a follow-up person.  so the case workers/managers, you know.  work and manage the case.  and the follow-upper goes and checks on the people to make sure they're getting and using the benefits and shit that the mangers/workers got for them.  which is really an amazing sounding job and i really want it.

i've also gotten a call back from a local cable provider (or a company that does their hiring... that better mean they provide their benefits too) and a marketing firm thingy.  they're opening new offices and are looking for customer service reps and markety people and all shit like that.  but i've applied for A LOT of jobs.  like 53 that i have information saved on.

fifty.  three.  jobs.

i mean, i have to get one, right?  and i'm qualified for all of them.  i have years of customer service experience, data entry experience, and reception experience.  i love working with people (even though i really don't LIKE most people) and am good at it.  i'm self-motivating, have good time management skills, and a very professional manner.

so, i have to get one.  right?

RIGHT????

because i need a new job.  one with benefits.  so awesome husband (@_antgas, seriously follow him because he never tweets but often puts up funny pics on instagram) can work fewer hours and lose his benefits and go to school full time.  he really wants to get into school.  nursing school.  that will be fun.  i'm excited for him and i'm excited for me.  i never thought i'd be planning my future, but hey - here we are, planning our future.

i've just been so BUSY.  i planned a graduation party for me and it happened last sunday.  i'd love to tell you i have a fuckload of photos to post, but i don't have any.  seriously, i have like no pictures of this awesome party that i planned and pulled off.  there was food, a big tent, pretty floral centerpieces that i made myself, eight dozen quiche that i made myself, six dozen cupcakes that i made myself.

well, the cupcakes were from boxed mixes.  but i made the frosting myself.

we also had like a gazillion pounds of fruit that @_antgas cut up.  and nine liters of sangria.  and 84 bottles of beer (not on a wall, they were in a cooler).  and a fuckton of bottled water.  and twenty 2-liter bottles of soda.

and we have like two thirds of it all left.  people drank, like, 18 beers.  WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE?

but we ate almost all of a 6' hero.  and the majority of the quiche.  so, there's that.

now @_antgas and i have buckets of sangria and beer to finish off.  which will take forever.

especially because @_antgas is having surgery on monday.  nothing big, people, just a little procedure.  he'll be in and out of the hospital in a few hours.  and will be home from work for two fucking weeks.  mostly playing video games.  and i'm hoping he can push a damn vacuum around too.

so.  since i don't have any really exciting shit to share, feel free to look at a bunch of pictures of me and my cats, whom you know and love.  

this is babyjakes blocking my bedroom door.  good job.

i am a self-professed shoe whore.  i love these shoes.  i have walked in the lace-patterned ones, not the black booties yet.  we'll see.

OMFG BABYJAKES.  he's too cute.

samantha cat, lounging

samantha and i, snuggletime on the couch

piggy mama, being adorable as always

me, on my way to my brother's engagement party

me again, at my brother's engagement party

thanks to my coworker.  i wasn't sure it was a trap.  glad i know now.

sammy baby sleeping on her daddy's (@_antgas) pillow

babycat jake after knocking over the cat toy box

my most recent tattoo addition.  bonus points if you can tell me where it's from.

me wearing an apron.  i was making a lot of fucking mini quiche.

my graduation party

sammy baby in her new collar.  there are lady bugs on it.

ergh. hello there.

my bad, y'all.  i've been so busy and crap that i just keep forgetting to blog.  but i have stories, loves.

i'm still on the whole nothavingtimetodoanything wagon.  i wake up, go to the gym (most days), work at home, go to the shop, hopefully stick some needles in people, come home.  if i get home earlyish, i make and eat dinner.  if i work until 10, i take off my makeup and fall into bed.  during down time at the shop, i do my college coursework.  and on my days off from the shop, i try to get some food shopping done, watch a movie, and go get shit done.  because on my days off from the shop, i still do the work-from-home thing.

it's a lot.  like, a lot a lot.  if i didn't have happy pills and tarzipan, i'm not sure it would be possible.  but this is what grown ups do... right?  i'm not working two jobs because we need the money.  i'm working two jobs because i want to be bringing some income in while piercing.  hopefully the more piercings i do, more people will want to come let me pierce them, and i'll start making more money, and maybe i won't need the work-at-home job for income.

because the i'd basically be doing something i really like.  something that i enjoy.  which is really great.  how many people get to say that?

in cat news, jake is ridiculous.  apparently he only loves me when i'm naked and dripping wet. 

i know how that sounds.  but wait a moment.

so when i shower, i always leave the bathroom door cracked so the cats can get to the litter boxes if they need to.  jake's new thing is to come into the bathroom while i'm in the shower and wait on the bath mat.  if he's not in there the whole time, he rushes in once he hears the shower curtain open.  as soon as i step onto the bathmat, jake starts rubbing on my legs, purring.  and getting wet because i've not toweled off yet.  and if i don't step out of the shower fast enough, he jumps up on the side of the tub to try and reach me.  he will stretch out and put his paws on my thighs. 

jake rubs all over my legs, purring and kneading the bathmat, while i start getting dressed.  then i have to sit on the side of the tub so he can jump up on my lap and keep making muffins on me.  and i scratch his little face and he purrs and rubs his face on my hands and digs his claws into my thighs and loves me.

the rest of the time, he just fucking ignores me. 

also, i know i've not told any of you about my awesome vacation to disney world or posted the gazillion photos that were taken, but i will do that really soon.  i hope.  i'm off tomorrow and awesome husband will be away on business, so i may have time to shop for shoes i don't need/eat too many twizzlers/watch 'breaking dawn: part 1' again/organize photos/post said photos.  we'll see. 

fingers crossed.

and finally tonight, i've gotten a new tattoo.  it's a jellyfish.  to go with my mermaid.  i kind of want to post photos, but it's in the peely stage and will look better once it's healed.  so you'll have to wait.

you like how i did that?  dangled that tantalizing tidbit in front of you to ensure you keep coming back for more?

as if my tattoos would keep you coming back for more.  

the final countdown

we're going on vacation.  i'm very excited to get back to disney.  it's been over a year since awesome husband and i have been to disney and the last time was to DEFINITELY NOT scatter any of my mother's ashes on pirates of the caribbean.  we would never do that.

awesome husband, my brother, and sisterfromanothermister will be going to disney together.  we're really excited to go back because it's been so long - awesome husband and i are used to going, like, two or three times a month.  we also got the dining plan so we'll be eating like kings and queens! lol

so the body piercing thing is going really well.  i've made a few mistakes and have learned from them, which is great.  not HUGE mistakes, but you know.  fixable mistakes.  fixable thanks to the fact that my mentor has been piercing for 29 years and is AMAZING.  i've pierced quite a few ears, belly buttons, and lips.  and a handful of nostrils, tongues, and eyebrows.  i'm still waiting on a septum, monroe, medusa, and nipple - then i'll have done every piercing above the belt :D

and on the adult acne front, things are getting better.  bet some of you didn't know that in addition to the batshit crazy, i also suffer from adult acne, did you? 

now you do.

anyway, nothing ever works at all.  so i decided to start getting facials and see if that helps.  the spa i found was well-reviewed for acne facials so i headed over.  i went three weeks in a row at $80 a pop (ouch) and purchased $140 worth of the product they recommended (also ouch).  and today i paid $130 for a non-acid peel (ouchouchouchouch).  HOWEVER my skin hasn't looked this clear in years!  i'm going through some purging right now so i have a few pimples that come up and go away quickly, and i'm getting some drying.  once my skin balances, it should look pretty good.  it's already really smooth, my aesthetician says that the ultrasound thingy does that.  i mean, smoothy smooth smooth.  hopefully once my skin balances we can work on the acne scarring and see if that can be improved.  and now i only have to go every 3-4 weeks for a facial.  and i was spending about $120 a month on shit that wasn't working.  really fucking frustrating.  so i'm pleased today.

awesome husband got an awesome new tattoo.  i wanted to show it to you all.

yes, he's hardcore. he also likes hardcore music.  so, you know.  it means many things.  although he did point out that his right hand will always say 'hard' now.

inspired

by aunt motherfucking becky who wrote a post about tattoos and it made me realize i haven't shown my newest addition off yet.

new tattoo.  its actually a cover-up.

and of course awesome husband had to get in on the action.  no really, we've been planning a sleeve for him for some time and it's finally started.

this is the back of his arm.  it's rocks.

this is the inside of his arm.

the entire thing will have a pirate theme.  you'll see.  this is the eay after his first sitting, his second sitting is this saturday and we're very excited.

ALSO.

samantha.  why not?