Saturday, January 3, 2015

i still cry sometimes.

please, don't make me apologize for being a bad blogger.  i'm a bag blogger - deal.

things have been busy.  i'm working full time monday through friday, but i work later - noon to 8:30ish most days.  i have just finished up with school - i have an independent study in human services and the liberal arts that i'm finishing up and january 2015 will be my official graduation date.  i'll walk in may.  i'm very excited.

my best friend from high school had her first baby in mid-november.  i was at the hospital with her and her parents, along with another best friend from high school.  we were both planning to be in the room with her, but she ended up having a c-section and the other friend went in with her.  better choice, since she's much more level headed and calm than i am.  plus she's had a child as well, so she understands some things i don't get.  awesome husband @_antgas and i have been spending quite a bit of time with her and the new baby, helping around the house and the like.  i just want to squish the baby all the time.  he's so handsome.

so it's like, work and school and baby things and rheumatoid arthritis - yes, that's still there - were making my life pretty busy.  now that i'm just about done with school (i don't have any more classes) i have a bit more free time.  i'm hoping to get back into cross stitching and sewing, and researching my options for graduate school.  it seems that is my next logical step, but it's expensive and hard and i'm just not 100% sure yet.

i get nostalgic around the holidays.  the time between thanksgiving and new years is always rough for me.  i've been craving more female contact; i wonder if it's because my mom died this time of year.  i've cherished the time i spend with my best friend and her tiny baby - it's wonderful to be able to talk with her and have someone how knows me and my past.  but it makes me miss people who aren't in my life any longer.  particularly one woman who i may have wrote about a bit here.  we had a short friendship but it was intense.

it's normal for me to reach out to people at certain times of the year.  the holidays after 9/11 i remember sending a card to an old friend and his family who i hadn't seen in years.  i send holiday cards and think about the people i used to spend so much time with that i don't get to see often - or at all.  we're all 'adults' now (for all intents and purposes).  so many of us have families and work and just life to get through, and that can leave little time for 'hanging out', unless it's a quick dinner or coffee date.

i found myself wanting to send her a card, ask about how she's doing, let her know that we're okay, and see if she wanted to catch up at all.  i'm at a different place in my life.  yes, i still crave contact, friendship, support, but i think i'm much more self-sufficient.  perhaps it's the changes in my life over the last year - getting a job in the field, getting ready to graduate, and oh - being in therapy weekly.  never underestimate the value of talk therapy if you can afford it (even when i couldn't afford it, the doctor and i figured something out). 

i have bad days.  i still freak out, i still get anxious, and i still cry sometimes.  i am constantly learning how to deal with it, how to reach out and ask for help, how to identify, address, and process some feelings.  i've struggled with my mother's death around the birth of my friend's baby; i remember crying at the hospital because i wanted my mother there to see her (we've been good friends since i was, like, 11).  when i work on the quilt i'm making for her baby, i think about the quilts and bibs and things my mom would make when other people had babies.  i think about the fact that i don't have my mom to help me assemble the quilt - i've never done that before, i've only pieced together the tops of quilts.  now i have to make the quilt sandwich and actually quilt it.  i'll think about my mom while i do it, and about my beautiful girlfriend and her perfect baby boy, and it will reflect generations of love and support and commitment.

so i still cry sometimes, but i cry for myself.  i cry for my losses, i cry for my friend's losses, and i cry for the things we will all lose one day.  i cry for my joys and accomplishments, for my friend's joys, and for all the wonderful things i know are to come in the future.  but i don't cry because that one amazing woman left my life - as much as i miss her and the time we spent, i'm thankful for the time we spent and the lessons she taught me (that i may not have been ready to learn at the time).  and i think about sending her a card letting her know that.

happy new year, everyone.

No comments:

Post a Comment