Sunday, November 20, 2011

cleaning out my life

i keep looking at this bag in my bedroom.  it's like half full of clothes and shit that awesome husband and i need to get rid of.  and we just leave it there.  open.  because we keep meaning to go through our drawers and the closet and what not and get rid of more shit.  because, you know.  we have a lot of shit.

in one drawer there's this pair of jeans that i love.  something about the way they're cut, the flares are really neat, whatever it is.  i just love how they fit.  but they don't fit me 'right' anymore.  they used to but now they don't.  they don't respect me the way i am.

same for some people.  someone i considered one of my best friends posted some picture about moving back to florida on facebook with a countdown.  like happy her and her husband are moving back to florida.  and neither of them said anything to awesome husband or me.  even though we like texted back and forth a couple of weeks ago.  you don't decide to move shortways across the country in like a few days.  so OBVIOUSLY they had decided well before then, like they knew the last time i spoke to them.

when we all lived in florida, they were scared to tell us they were moving back to new york because they thought we'd be mad.  i love these people like family and told them like, yah i'll miss you and i'm sad you're leaving but i'm so excited that you're making a move that's better for your family. 

when we decide we were moving back to new york, mom and awesome husband and me, i didn't say ANYTHING about it on facebook or anything like that until i told my best friend in person.  i would have loved to start networking and sharing my news right away, but i needed to be sure that i told my bestie before the general public knew.

it was the right thing for me to do.

but these friends, this couple that i thought of as family, just posted this shit and left it.  didn't say anything to me, didn't bother to call or text or anything.  flat out disrespectful.  you tell me you think of me as fucking family?  treat me like family.  don't disrespect me.

it's like those jeans.  i love them, but they got to go.  i can't keep things - or people - in my life who disrespect me.  i've spent way too long learning how to love myself for who i am, i can't let people treat me like that.

did i lash out on facebook?  i sure as fuck did.  is that immature or whatever?  yeah i bet it is.  is it disrespectful?  YES IT IS.  when people treat my badly, i don't sink to their level.  like when someone cuts me off in traffic, i don't have to get them back - i let it go.  when someone flat out disrespects me?  i have to let them know.

did i overreact?  yeah, maybe.  but you know it's better to learn what someone truly thinks of you before it's too late.

so awesome husband and i should probably get to that bag of clothes soon.  'that which is temporal will be cut away'.


in other news, we're shopping for a new car.  i was offered an opportunity i can't pass up and we need a second car asap so i can take advantage of it.  we're hoping to go test driving or whatever over the next couple of days.  exciting, for sure.  i'll be busy enough this week with black friday coming up.  working in sales/retail does that to you.

a year ago tomorrow we found out mom had cancer.  ultimately, still just counting days.  it's not just counting those days that mark when mom passed, or marking the days i've had without her.  it's about the days i have left.  life is short.  days pass in what seem like hours, weeks fly by.  it was just the middle of summer and i was sweating in the backyard, now it's about to be winter and the holiday season is here again. 

life is to short to put up with people mistreating you.  i refuse to let people or jeans treat me without respect. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

at least i'm washing my hair every other day.

so i'm having a bit of a rough week.  i just keep feeling like i can't get going.  i don't really want to get out of bed, i don't really want to get in the shower, i don't really want to eat anything, i don't really want to work.  i kind of want to snuggle down with cats and just watch movies or read or something.  when i do get out of bed, i don't want to exercise or do my yoga.  when i do get in the shower, i can't be bothered to wash my hair.  when i do eat, i don't want to have to make anything.

i'm not sure what's changed.  i'm performing well at work, i'm doing well in this class block.  awesome husband and i are making decent money, we just booked a trip to disney world in january.

like, i know it's that time of year.  a year ago yesterday was mom's first day at the new job in new york.  i guess because i didn't go through it last year, i didn't know what to expect.  last year i was planning steph gas, making sure shit was getting done.  even after mom passed, i went home to florida, got caught up with my shit, and flew back to new york for the holiday (and got stranded by a blizzard).  but i was still planning, planning, planning, just making sure things that needed to get done were getting done.

is this what it's supposed to be like?

my brother and i have often talked about grief.  have we really grieved?  we both talk about waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that one day we'll just lose it.  one of the bereavement counselors i spoke with said it's likely that my brother and i started grieving once we heard the words 'metastatic lung cancer'.  that's very possible.

mom was always up front about life and death.  we were never taught to feel bad for people when they died, but happy that they were in a better place.  it was okay for us to be sad because we missed them, but people die.  it's a natural part of life.  mom wouldn't want us to be sad and cry and focus on the time we're missing with her, but to be happy and focus on the time we had with her.  not to think about the fact that she won't see awesome husband and i celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary or be with taylor (the old deaf cat) when he eventually dies, but to remember that she was there at our wedding and took care of taylor when he was sick.

and i feel like i think about that.  i don't think about the time i'm not going to have with my mom, but the time i did have with my mom.  i don't sit around sad about mom or pitying myself that my mom is gone, or expecting others to pity me because my mom is dead.  i don't feel like i focus on this, that it's always in my mind and affecting everything i do day to day.

but here i am, approaching the one year anniversary of my mother's death, and i just don't want to fucking live.  not that i'm suicidal (been there, done that) but that i don't want to participate.

i'm alive, but i'm not living.


my brother, awesome husband, and i are planning a dinner at our family's favorite steakhouse for the anniversary.  after my step father passed away in 2003, my mom and dad became good friends again.  he'd come over for dinner (usually at my insistence) and i even orchestrated our first - and only - real family vacation with our biological mom and dad together.  mom, dad, awesome husband, my brother, and myself all went to disney world in 2006.  my parents ended up becoming good friends again and mom would often come with us to this steakhouse my dad had discovered with his second ex-wife.  (um, wait.  i mean 'second wife', right?  hmm.  second ex-wife seems more appropriate for dad).  my mom and dad even went out to dinner without us kids sometimes, and my mom was staying with my dad when she first moved back to new york.  it was just temporary, but still.

after my step dad died, christmas morning became a new thing.  we'd wake up early and make dad come to our house ('our' - mom, my brother, awesome husband, me).  i'd make breakfast and we'd go through our stockings (we always put strange stuff in there) and open gifts.  last year was the first year without mom.  we did christmas morning at my dad's house.  it was strange.  i'm currently planning on having christmas morning here and making my dad come over.  but then i think about starting new traditions.  is that part of grieving?  maybe if we make new traditions, instead of trying to carry on the old ones that included mom, it will make this time of year easier.

but maybe it's not about staying away from things that used to include mom.  maybe it's about continuing to do those things in spite of the fact that mom's not here anymore.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


among other things.  it's been a solid month since i took an unintended sabbatical from my blog.  i can make you excuses, if you'd like.
  • i've been busy with school.  maintaining a 3.75 GPA while taking algebra isn't easy.
  • i've been busy with work.  my new position really started the last week in september and i've been kicking into high gear to get my merry band of ruffians up to snuff for my client.
  • i've been busy not living.  you know, hanging out watching cartoons and going out to eat with awesome husband once a week.  or twice.
  • i've been busy shopping.  yes, i've shopped a few times.  there are numerous new shirts and a coach bag that attest to that.
but i won't give you all of those excuses.  what i can give you is the fucking truth.

i just didn't have it in me. 

working with a retail company forces you to count the days until black friday, which means you are actually counting the days until thanksgiving, the last day that you can not worry as much about bottom lines and sales and shit like that.  once black friday rolls out, you will be eating, drinking, breathing, and sleeping your sales numbers. 

do you know why it's called black friday?  it ended up being a huge shopping day and would get many companies out of the red and into the black.  you accounting nuts may know that being 'in the red' means you're using red ink in your accounting ledger because you fucks are OUT OF MONEY.  your company is spending more than it makes.  so on black friday, everyone stumbles out of their tryptophan-induced stupor and shops, spending more money than they should, to get your company out of the red and into the BLACK.  so you can use black ink in your ledger.  meaning PROFIT yo.

so here i am, counting the days down until thanksgiving.  you may realize that the last entry (part five) in my story about mom's passing ended on thanksgiving day.  i think i finally have the balls to write part six.  some of my family members read this blog (it's semi-anonymous - i post it on my facebook so people i know IRL can read my blog, but the rest of you don't REALLY know who i am) and this story may upset or piss off some of them. 

but in counting the days to thanksgiving, i realize i'm counting the days to the anniversary of my mother's death.  december 3rd will mark one year without my mom.  a lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same.  in some way, i feel like my mom dying has made me an adult.  i know before her passing, i had bills and a mortgage and a car payment and a husband and what not.  but something is just different.  planning your parent's funeral at 30 is really annoying.  having to write all the thank you notes, deal with death certificates and hospital crap, it all sucks.  having to go through everything. it's hard some days.

my dad's parents passed away within a year of each other.  my grandma passed suddenly in october 2000, and my grandfather in august 2001.  i remember going through a lot of their things with my dad.  he and my uncle divvied up the furniture, selling some of it.  they went through all the beleek china, with my brother and i calling out our favorites.  that was a funny day.  they don't give a crap about beleek, i'm telling you.  so my dad and uncle laid out all the beleek on the big dining room table and would hold up two comparable pieces - like two cup and saucer sets.  and say 'well, which do you want?'  then they'd pick up a like a decorative owl and a vase of a similar size. 

at one point, though, my dad just started throwing shit out.  boxes of photographs.  almost all of my grandmother's costume jewelry.  we let a plant that had been growing for over 50 years die.  my father took his father's passing hard.  he still hasn't had the grave marker engraved with my grandpa's date of death.  it's been ten years.  and my dad was 50 at the time.

if losing your parent at 50 is hard, it must be harder at 30 right?

but then i think about my mom.  she was 10 - TEN - when her mom died.  i was lucky - fucking lucky - to have my mom for twenty years more than she had her mom.  my mom was able to take me shopping for a bra.  my mom was able to talk to me about sex.  my mom was able to meet one of the first boys that took me on a proper date and drove a car.  my mom was able to come see the plays and musicals i worked on, come to my art exhibits at school.  my mom was able to watch me graduate high school.  my mom was able to watch me walk down the aisle to marry the closest thing to a soul mate anyone could ask for.

so instead of just counting down the days to black friday, to thanksgiving, to the day my mother died, i'm trying to count the days i had with her. 


i'm hoping to start actually blogging again now.  i didn't mean to not blog, i just got kind of introspective, i guess.  as well as not drinking.

yes, you read that right.  i haven't had a drink in over a month.  i forgot to start counting, but i know for certain i haven't had a drink since before october 1.  so i'm using that as my sober date.  who knows how long it will last though?  because i really, really want a drink.  i feel kind of lame though, being so OMGIDON'TDODRUGSANDHAVEBEENCLEANFORALMOSTTENYEARS and saying it with a margarita in my hand.

we'll see.