Wednesday, November 16, 2011

at least i'm washing my hair every other day.

so i'm having a bit of a rough week.  i just keep feeling like i can't get going.  i don't really want to get out of bed, i don't really want to get in the shower, i don't really want to eat anything, i don't really want to work.  i kind of want to snuggle down with cats and just watch movies or read or something.  when i do get out of bed, i don't want to exercise or do my yoga.  when i do get in the shower, i can't be bothered to wash my hair.  when i do eat, i don't want to have to make anything.

i'm not sure what's changed.  i'm performing well at work, i'm doing well in this class block.  awesome husband and i are making decent money, we just booked a trip to disney world in january.

like, i know it's that time of year.  a year ago yesterday was mom's first day at the new job in new york.  i guess because i didn't go through it last year, i didn't know what to expect.  last year i was planning steph gas, making sure shit was getting done.  even after mom passed, i went home to florida, got caught up with my shit, and flew back to new york for the holiday (and got stranded by a blizzard).  but i was still planning, planning, planning, just making sure things that needed to get done were getting done.

is this what it's supposed to be like?

my brother and i have often talked about grief.  have we really grieved?  we both talk about waiting for the other shoe to drop, worried that one day we'll just lose it.  one of the bereavement counselors i spoke with said it's likely that my brother and i started grieving once we heard the words 'metastatic lung cancer'.  that's very possible.

mom was always up front about life and death.  we were never taught to feel bad for people when they died, but happy that they were in a better place.  it was okay for us to be sad because we missed them, but people die.  it's a natural part of life.  mom wouldn't want us to be sad and cry and focus on the time we're missing with her, but to be happy and focus on the time we had with her.  not to think about the fact that she won't see awesome husband and i celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary or be with taylor (the old deaf cat) when he eventually dies, but to remember that she was there at our wedding and took care of taylor when he was sick.

and i feel like i think about that.  i don't think about the time i'm not going to have with my mom, but the time i did have with my mom.  i don't sit around sad about mom or pitying myself that my mom is gone, or expecting others to pity me because my mom is dead.  i don't feel like i focus on this, that it's always in my mind and affecting everything i do day to day.

but here i am, approaching the one year anniversary of my mother's death, and i just don't want to fucking live.  not that i'm suicidal (been there, done that) but that i don't want to participate.

i'm alive, but i'm not living.


my brother, awesome husband, and i are planning a dinner at our family's favorite steakhouse for the anniversary.  after my step father passed away in 2003, my mom and dad became good friends again.  he'd come over for dinner (usually at my insistence) and i even orchestrated our first - and only - real family vacation with our biological mom and dad together.  mom, dad, awesome husband, my brother, and myself all went to disney world in 2006.  my parents ended up becoming good friends again and mom would often come with us to this steakhouse my dad had discovered with his second ex-wife.  (um, wait.  i mean 'second wife', right?  hmm.  second ex-wife seems more appropriate for dad).  my mom and dad even went out to dinner without us kids sometimes, and my mom was staying with my dad when she first moved back to new york.  it was just temporary, but still.

after my step dad died, christmas morning became a new thing.  we'd wake up early and make dad come to our house ('our' - mom, my brother, awesome husband, me).  i'd make breakfast and we'd go through our stockings (we always put strange stuff in there) and open gifts.  last year was the first year without mom.  we did christmas morning at my dad's house.  it was strange.  i'm currently planning on having christmas morning here and making my dad come over.  but then i think about starting new traditions.  is that part of grieving?  maybe if we make new traditions, instead of trying to carry on the old ones that included mom, it will make this time of year easier.

but maybe it's not about staying away from things that used to include mom.  maybe it's about continuing to do those things in spite of the fact that mom's not here anymore.


  1. I'm sorry to hear you're having a rough time of it. I wish I had some advice to offer.

  2. Did you read Hyperbole&Half's Adventures in Depression? Who the fuck am I kidding, of course you did. I don't know what you felt about it, but for me it was like OMFG YES. Obviously you have more of an actual reason to be sad than Allie or I, but I think it's a shitty cycle-- I feel bad. I should blog. Why do I feel bad? Why am I not doing this? STOP FEELING BAD. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

    Yeah, life may be fucking beautiful but if you tell me that to my face I will kick you in the mouth.

    Assuming my leg can reach that far.

    Tried it. Can't.