Thursday, November 10, 2011


among other things.  it's been a solid month since i took an unintended sabbatical from my blog.  i can make you excuses, if you'd like.
  • i've been busy with school.  maintaining a 3.75 GPA while taking algebra isn't easy.
  • i've been busy with work.  my new position really started the last week in september and i've been kicking into high gear to get my merry band of ruffians up to snuff for my client.
  • i've been busy not living.  you know, hanging out watching cartoons and going out to eat with awesome husband once a week.  or twice.
  • i've been busy shopping.  yes, i've shopped a few times.  there are numerous new shirts and a coach bag that attest to that.
but i won't give you all of those excuses.  what i can give you is the fucking truth.

i just didn't have it in me. 

working with a retail company forces you to count the days until black friday, which means you are actually counting the days until thanksgiving, the last day that you can not worry as much about bottom lines and sales and shit like that.  once black friday rolls out, you will be eating, drinking, breathing, and sleeping your sales numbers. 

do you know why it's called black friday?  it ended up being a huge shopping day and would get many companies out of the red and into the black.  you accounting nuts may know that being 'in the red' means you're using red ink in your accounting ledger because you fucks are OUT OF MONEY.  your company is spending more than it makes.  so on black friday, everyone stumbles out of their tryptophan-induced stupor and shops, spending more money than they should, to get your company out of the red and into the BLACK.  so you can use black ink in your ledger.  meaning PROFIT yo.

so here i am, counting the days down until thanksgiving.  you may realize that the last entry (part five) in my story about mom's passing ended on thanksgiving day.  i think i finally have the balls to write part six.  some of my family members read this blog (it's semi-anonymous - i post it on my facebook so people i know IRL can read my blog, but the rest of you don't REALLY know who i am) and this story may upset or piss off some of them. 

but in counting the days to thanksgiving, i realize i'm counting the days to the anniversary of my mother's death.  december 3rd will mark one year without my mom.  a lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same.  in some way, i feel like my mom dying has made me an adult.  i know before her passing, i had bills and a mortgage and a car payment and a husband and what not.  but something is just different.  planning your parent's funeral at 30 is really annoying.  having to write all the thank you notes, deal with death certificates and hospital crap, it all sucks.  having to go through everything. it's hard some days.

my dad's parents passed away within a year of each other.  my grandma passed suddenly in october 2000, and my grandfather in august 2001.  i remember going through a lot of their things with my dad.  he and my uncle divvied up the furniture, selling some of it.  they went through all the beleek china, with my brother and i calling out our favorites.  that was a funny day.  they don't give a crap about beleek, i'm telling you.  so my dad and uncle laid out all the beleek on the big dining room table and would hold up two comparable pieces - like two cup and saucer sets.  and say 'well, which do you want?'  then they'd pick up a like a decorative owl and a vase of a similar size. 

at one point, though, my dad just started throwing shit out.  boxes of photographs.  almost all of my grandmother's costume jewelry.  we let a plant that had been growing for over 50 years die.  my father took his father's passing hard.  he still hasn't had the grave marker engraved with my grandpa's date of death.  it's been ten years.  and my dad was 50 at the time.

if losing your parent at 50 is hard, it must be harder at 30 right?

but then i think about my mom.  she was 10 - TEN - when her mom died.  i was lucky - fucking lucky - to have my mom for twenty years more than she had her mom.  my mom was able to take me shopping for a bra.  my mom was able to talk to me about sex.  my mom was able to meet one of the first boys that took me on a proper date and drove a car.  my mom was able to come see the plays and musicals i worked on, come to my art exhibits at school.  my mom was able to watch me graduate high school.  my mom was able to watch me walk down the aisle to marry the closest thing to a soul mate anyone could ask for.

so instead of just counting down the days to black friday, to thanksgiving, to the day my mother died, i'm trying to count the days i had with her. 


i'm hoping to start actually blogging again now.  i didn't mean to not blog, i just got kind of introspective, i guess.  as well as not drinking.

yes, you read that right.  i haven't had a drink in over a month.  i forgot to start counting, but i know for certain i haven't had a drink since before october 1.  so i'm using that as my sober date.  who knows how long it will last though?  because i really, really want a drink.  i feel kind of lame though, being so OMGIDON'TDODRUGSANDHAVEBEENCLEANFORALMOSTTENYEARS and saying it with a margarita in my hand.

we'll see.


  1. I keep trying to leave comments and it won't let me.

    Take your time and tell your story.

    I get how you are feeling, as best as I can from where I sit.

    Hope Thanksgiving is good.

  2. "so instead of just counting down the days to black friday, to thanksgiving, to the day my mother died, i'm trying to count the days i had with her."

    I swear to God I teared up at this. And I hate blogreaders who cry. Get it together, Nicki. Jesus.

    I love you. And I missed you.