Tuesday, February 18, 2014

some days i hate life

i don't know what it is with me.

i just deleted someone that i considered one of my best friends mere weeks ago from my life.

we met by chance, when i was looking for someone to watch my clowder of cats while i went to disney with awesome husband @_antgas, my brother, and sisterfromanothermister.  i wanted someone who was professional - not just someone to watch my cats.  someone who wouldn't rob me, who would know what to do in a cat-related emergency, and maybe even take in the mail.

i found the company online last minute, like early january 2012.  she set up an appointment to meet us, my cats, and see the house.  when she came in, i introduced her to my husband.  she questioned our last name, i said what it was, and she said, 'i get your mail'.

just like that.  'i get your mail'.

she had purchased my mother's house in 2007.  the house we lived in when we got married, the house with the kitchen we redid, the house where we had so many fun times as a family.  she lived there.  and still got our mail almost 6 years later.

most of my cats liked her, and we secured her services for our vacation.  it seemed so funny, 'such a small world' kind of moment.

sometime in march of that year, i think, we hung out socially.  we got along like logs on fire.  it was hysterical.  even her husband and awesome husband @_antgas got along.  we all liked a lot of the same things, had similar senses of humor.  we all loved animals, the same cartoons.  and we lived like 5 blocks away from each other.

one of her dogs was fear aggressive.  she never wanted us to go near him, afraid that something would happen.  she'd give us treats to throw toward the dog when he barked at us.  we weren't afraid. after a few weeks, we finally convinced her to let us try interacting with him.  he ended up loving us.  she said we were two of the first and only people that he trusted.  i loved that feeling, i loved hearing how excited the dog would get when she said 'aunt steph's coming over! uncle ant's coming over!'  i loved brining him - and her other dogs and cats - presents and treats.  i loved how when she came over, she wanted to see the cats, interact with them, love them.

even more, i loved how it was when we spent time alone together.  snuggling with dogs and cats on the couch, shopping more than we probably should have, going out for sushi or frozen yogurt or starbucks.  we both had issues.  she was so supportive of me, i tried to be supportive of her.  she complimented me and i always brushed it off.  she taught me to shut the fuck up and take the compliment.  it was someone i could be myself with.  completely myself.  the pants could come off at this house.

when something happened and i needed someone, she'd fit me in.  when something happened and she needed someone, i tried to be that someone.  often she didn't want me to come over or meet her or whatever.  i wanted to be there for her the way i felt she was there for me.  i wanted to be the kind of friend to her i felt she was to me.

last summer, she went through some of her own shit.  she admitted that she withdrew from me, from some other people.  it was only a few weeks, but it upset me because i knew she didn't withdraw from everyone.  the first time we hung out again, in september, it was a bit strained.  i was trying to feel my way back to the relationship; she seemed to be doing the same.  i tried to act like we were back to normal: want to go shopping, want to go to dinner, want to snuggle with dogs.  she'd make plans with me sometimes, but i felt like she wasn't making time for me like she was before.  i tried to back off, but i missed spending time with her.  she owns her own business and i know sometimes shit happens: she'd had to cancel or move plans a few times before.  but this fall, it felt like it happened more often than not.  i started feeling like i wasn't as important to her as she was to me any more.

then on january 10-11, we had a big miscommunication.  i thought she had to check with her hubby about hanging out, she thought i said my hubby couldn't hang out.  wires got crossed.  instead of straightening them out, when she told me she made other plans, i told her how i felt.  i told her that i get it, and that it was done, but that i had been feeling more and more like she was canceling on me more often than not.  how i'm such a planner and it bugs me when plans change last minute, and how it made me sad and depressed when stuff like this happened.  i told her that it made me feel like she made time for others, but not for me.  i told her my truth at the time - looking back, i don't know if i should have.  maybe i should have waited and thought it out, maybe i should have said it a different way, whatever.

she apologized for making me feel that way.  she said she didn't intend to hurt me - i knew that.  she said that she guessed some things had changed since the summer, but not because of anything i did.  she said she hadn't really thought about it.  then she had to go because she had a sick dog, but signed off 'i'm sorry for how i made you feel and will talk about it more with you soon... xo'.

i stopped seeing her online.  she was never on facebook chat, or other social media sites, unless she was mentioning her sick dog.  i know that was a huge handful and she had shit going on - i gave her space.  i thought maybe she needed space.  she said she wanted to talk about it with me... i believed her.

last wednesday, i just missed her so much.  i had seen her being more active on social media, and thought maybe things were settling down for her.  i messaged her, saying it made me sad that we still hadn't talked.

no response.  not for two days.

i started feeling frantic.  what did i do?  i texted her; no response or acknowledgement or anything.  i messaged her on facebook again, asking if she was avoiding me, telling her i thought i should give her time, telling her i missed her.  nothing.  i tried to be a little cute, asking her if she wanted to meet for frozen yogurt or sushi, sending through cute pusheen pictures.  nothing.  i then told her it was obvious she was now ignoring me, and i didn't know what i did to deserve that.  i apologized if i'd hurt her, stating that would never have been my intention.

i spent hours crying, trying not to cry, crying some more.  trying not to cry, asking awesome husband what i did wrong, crying some more.  i spent a lot of the weekend trying not to think about her ignoring me, trying not to cry, trying not to feel.  i emailed her a heartfelt letter, asking her to let me know what i did, baring my heart.  i cried some more when i kept not getting a response.

last night, i sent her this message:
     Steph Gasseriously. i text you, message you, email you and you keep ignoring me? what's going on? 
Steph Gas
and it's obvious you're on fb and available to chat so you must be seeing my name come up and ignoring it. i just don't know what i did. i go back and forth between missing you so much that i just want to keep messaging you and being so angry that you're treating me like this.
Steph Gas
just to put it out there, i'm on the verge of deleting you from all of my social media. it makes me sad to see you commenting on mutual friend's things and ignoring me. since you're ignoring me for some reason, i'm curious as to why you haven't just deleted me from your life. maybe i'm still hoping that you'll start talking to me; maybe that's wishful thinking. i don't know why you've made this choice, all i know is that you made it. you never gave me a chance.
i deleted her from my facebook.  i unfollowed her twitter, instagram, and pinterest.  it makes me sad to see her comment on mutual friend's things, especially right under one of my comments, and know she is purposefully, willfully ignoring me for no reason that i can discern.  i'm sure she has a reason, but she's not sharing it with me.

i'm going to try not to cry over her any more.  someone posted something online that i stole because it really resonated with me on sunday, when i was trying not to cry about it...

if she can't even take a moment to respond to any of my contact attempts, even if it's just 'leave me the fuck alone', then she's not who i thought she was.  i deserve this.  i deserve respect, i deserve love, and i deserve someone's time.

i'll try not to cry about her any more.


  1. This is exactly how I would feel (well, have felt) in a similar situation. And the worst thing anyone could do to me is give me the runaround and just not tell me what is truly going on. I honestly don't know how to handle those situations. I have an enormous need to respect the person and their space, but am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily so I also have the need to know if I should not be investing myself in that relationship anymore. The one thing that I seem to be getting better at over the years is recognizing when it's time to let go, and embracing the relief that comes from this clarity. I hope you reach yours, too.

    1. yeah, that about sums it up - 'i have an enormous need to respect the person and their space, but am very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easily'. and that investing in a relationship, i've always used that term. i've distanced myself from people in the past because i saw myself investing and they were not. there has to be a give and take, a balance.

      but when this friend just wouldn't respond to me, it's like i got to a point where i thought 'what am i doing to myself?' i was putting all this stress on myself when in reality none of this stress was mine to bear. if that makes sense.

      i don't know if i'm embracing anything just yet, but i'm not agonizing over it. and i haven't cried again.