no news is... good news?

things are pretty much status quo here.

work. sleep. eat. puppy. cats.

the cycle starts over and over, just later on monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

i had the intention of going to bed early tonight since i have to be up early tomorrow. probably isn't going to happen.

you should immediately go read the bloggess' new post. jenny is an amazing person and a wonderful person and probably one of the best people in the world.  so, go here.

i still can't figure out where to go to school. i'm still existing in a near-constant state of anxiety. i'm going to shine up my resume and send it out because why not. who knows what will come up, right? i'm not depressed, which is nice, but i'm having some self-worth issues and thinking more than i like about drinking or drugging. i even had a really vivid and horrible drug dream last monday, which kind of ruined the day. however, my blood pressure, blood glucose, and cholesterol are at healthy levels. so, yay me! (don't worry, i'm still fat. just healthy. i know, it's hard to imagine someone being FAT and HEALTHY, isn't it?)

(if you answered 'yes', go fuck yourself.)

so for now, i'm going to feed the cats and try to sleep. well, i will sleep. eventually. and hopefully i'll be blissfully unaware of anxiety and depression and cravings and low self-worth for at least 7 hours or so. that would be nice.

what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

frustration is not motivating PLUS we got a puppy!

i've been really frustrated with life.  but life is really good.

that seems kind of stupid.  but that's how it's been.

i've started a new medication in addition to my life-saving pristiq: vyvanse.  it's an amphetamine.  i was really nervous about taking it but so far i'm not having any weird side effects - i don't even feel like i'm hopped up on amphetamines.  i'm not sure how much 'better' i feel, but i don't feel worse so that's great.

we got a puppy. she's very small and very rambunctious and very annoying.  her name is alice (allie) and they told us she's a chihuahua-mini pinscher mix.  we think they're wrong.

yes, we got her a wicket doll to gnaw on.  may the fourth be with you!

she's teething.  i have a feeling this has something to do with that fact.

alice on one of her many walks

on another.... walk.  taking a roll around in the grass break.

allie is ridiculous.  she wants to 'play' with the cats, and the cats want NOTHING to do with her.  it's not always pretty.  but we're working on it.

i'm very frustrated with work.  i'm so over my schedule - i hate the 12-8:30pm on monday through wednesday.  i want to work days like a typical person.  i want to be able to cook after work; stop at the supermarket and pick up the night's ingredients; meet friends for dinner or coffee.  hell, i want to eat three 'normal' meals a day.  my eating schedule is all fucked up.  and i'm usually tired - i can't get my body used to this schedule.

i mentioned to my boss that i want to switch back to days and she said that something should change within the next couple of months.  that was about a month ago.  i love my job - just not my hours.  my family is a priority to me - and i can't take care of my family the way i'm used to with this schedule.

i did a bit of looking online to see what's out there with my credentials.  and found a posting for a job that is $12K a more than i'm making.  it's with a private company - not a non-profit - but that's a huge pay jump.  HUGE.  it makes me think, and i don't like thinking ;)

monday update - including new tattoo!

it's kind of amazing how things change.

a few months ago, i wrote this blog about... well, disconnecting from a woman i was very good friends with.  it's a bit strange how it all happened.  my friend is also my tattoo artist and is her tattoo artist as well.  the tattoo artist tagged her in an instagram photo one day and i insta-stalked her feed.

i know, kind of strange.  creepy.  whatever, go fuck yourself.  i did it.  you know you've done something like it.

so i saw... well, i saw a woman who had changed for the better in a lot of ways.  she seemed freer, happier, even more herself than she was when we still hung out regularly.  i still thought about sending her a card.  i ended up following her on instagram, thinking that if she straight out blocked me it was a sign that whatever had happened had irreparably damaged our relationship.  she didn't block me.

one day she posted something on instagram that really made me think.  it said "sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation".  it resonated with me.  i realized that i put expectations on our relationship - i expected her to support me in a way she was unable to at the time.  it was like the situation (at least my part/side of it) became so clear to me.  so i direct messaged her, letting her know that the post made me think, and what it made me think about, and trying to take responsibility for my part in whatever had happened.  she messaged me back, she took responsibility for her part in what happened - and that was important to me.  it validated what others had told me: i hadn't done anything wrong per se.  i hadn't driven her away or done something so bad/wrong/whatever.  it was just we were both in specific places that almost made it impossible for us to be there for each other, for us to be friends at that time.

we ended up meeting for dinner a couple of weeks ago.  it was strange at first: she's in a MUCH different place in her life than she was about 15 months prior when we stopped talking.  but i am, too.  i'm in a much healthier place.  she's in a much healthier place.  we're both more honest with ourselves and with others.  and seriously - it was almost like no time had passed.  it's the same, but it's different - it's a different relationship that is healthier and more balanced for both of us.  and i'm thrilled to have it back.

i've also committed to an amazing thigh tattoo by said tattoo artist.  pam poovey from archer is like my spirit animal.  i love her (i haven't seen season 5 yet, i've been told that might change, but seriously - i don't care.  she's been amazing through 4 seasons).  when my artist was working on awesome husband @_antgas' hand tattoos, i mentioned how pam poovey was my spirit animal and she went nuts - she said she really really wanted to do an archer tattoo.  we worked on some ideas, she drew up an amazing tattoo, and i recently had the outline done on my outer left thigh.

seriously - this tattoo is super bad ass.  follow @misstattootara on instagram.

yeah.  it's pretty awesome.  and in reality, the fact that it's on my thigh is a big deal for me.  i follow a lot of body positive blogs and instagram accounts and twitter and shit like that.  and i've seen photos of SO MANY beautiful big women with awesome thigh tattoos.  i think it's super sexy and makes them look really confident and i started thinking about getting a thigh tattoo about a year ago.  i had settled on a couple of other ideas when my tattoo artist said she wanted to do an archer tattoo.  

pam poovey is kind of another big girl who is awesome.  i mean, if you watch archer, you're probably familiar with some of her exploits and background from the first four seasons.  let's see: she kicked men's asses in underground fights to pay her way through college.  she has an infatuation with lana but still bangs archer for a while.  she says what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about what people think about it.  she's a little crass and really bold and super confident.  yet she's a damn HR rep... sure, she's not always great at her job, but still.  pam poovey is really my spirit animal; a lot of her character is who i want to be or who i already am.  i'm a fat girl who metaphorically kicks ass, i'm bisexual, and (outside of work) i say what i mean and refuse to sugar coat it.  

whatever - i identify with pam poovey.  and i love my tattoo, and i can't wait to have it colored in.

my tattoo artist is on instagram - @misstattootara.  seriously, she does amazing work.  if you're on long island and in need of a tattoo, DM her.  and, hey, i'm on instagram and twitter @stephgas.  

i'm also working on a lot of crap with my therapist.  i've started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, am addressing some of my disordered eating behaviors (unhappily but whatever), and working out.  i'm not watching what i eat or working out to lose weight - i'm doing it to feel good.  that seems to make it more enjoyable because i'm not obsessing over every calorie eaten and burned.  i'm weight lifting with awesome husband @_antgas and a couple of his coworkers.  my brother and sisterfromanothermister occasionally join in as well.  awesome husband @_antgas is all about going hard and 'gains'.  the phrase 'gains, bro' is uttered numerous times, often in jest but not really 100% joking.  i hit a new PR (personal record) on saturday with a 910lb straight leg press.  yesterday my PR was 115lb chest fly thingy.  i don't know the names of everything, i just wander around behind awesome husband @_antgas and wait for him to tell me what to do.  honestly, that makes it fun and easy and i really like working out.  it just makes me feel good.  

so, new ink, new meds, new weight training - a lot of things going on but it's all good... it's all healthy.

i still cry sometimes.

please, don't make me apologize for being a bad blogger.  i'm a bag blogger - deal.

things have been busy.  i'm working full time monday through friday, but i work later - noon to 8:30ish most days.  i have just finished up with school - i have an independent study in human services and the liberal arts that i'm finishing up and january 2015 will be my official graduation date.  i'll walk in may.  i'm very excited.

my best friend from high school had her first baby in mid-november.  i was at the hospital with her and her parents, along with another best friend from high school.  we were both planning to be in the room with her, but she ended up having a c-section and the other friend went in with her.  better choice, since she's much more level headed and calm than i am.  plus she's had a child as well, so she understands some things i don't get.  awesome husband @_antgas and i have been spending quite a bit of time with her and the new baby, helping around the house and the like.  i just want to squish the baby all the time.  he's so handsome.

so it's like, work and school and baby things and rheumatoid arthritis - yes, that's still there - were making my life pretty busy.  now that i'm just about done with school (i don't have any more classes) i have a bit more free time.  i'm hoping to get back into cross stitching and sewing, and researching my options for graduate school.  it seems that is my next logical step, but it's expensive and hard and i'm just not 100% sure yet.



i get nostalgic around the holidays.  the time between thanksgiving and new years is always rough for me.  i've been craving more female contact; i wonder if it's because my mom died this time of year.  i've cherished the time i spend with my best friend and her tiny baby - it's wonderful to be able to talk with her and have someone how knows me and my past.  but it makes me miss people who aren't in my life any longer.  particularly one woman who i may have wrote about a bit here.  we had a short friendship but it was intense.

it's normal for me to reach out to people at certain times of the year.  the holidays after 9/11 i remember sending a card to an old friend and his family who i hadn't seen in years.  i send holiday cards and think about the people i used to spend so much time with that i don't get to see often - or at all.  we're all 'adults' now (for all intents and purposes).  so many of us have families and work and just life to get through, and that can leave little time for 'hanging out', unless it's a quick dinner or coffee date.

i found myself wanting to send her a card, ask about how she's doing, let her know that we're okay, and see if she wanted to catch up at all.  i'm at a different place in my life.  yes, i still crave contact, friendship, support, but i think i'm much more self-sufficient.  perhaps it's the changes in my life over the last year - getting a job in the field, getting ready to graduate, and oh - being in therapy weekly.  never underestimate the value of talk therapy if you can afford it (even when i couldn't afford it, the doctor and i figured something out). 

i have bad days.  i still freak out, i still get anxious, and i still cry sometimes.  i am constantly learning how to deal with it, how to reach out and ask for help, how to identify, address, and process some feelings.  i've struggled with my mother's death around the birth of my friend's baby; i remember crying at the hospital because i wanted my mother there to see her (we've been good friends since i was, like, 11).  when i work on the quilt i'm making for her baby, i think about the quilts and bibs and things my mom would make when other people had babies.  i think about the fact that i don't have my mom to help me assemble the quilt - i've never done that before, i've only pieced together the tops of quilts.  now i have to make the quilt sandwich and actually quilt it.  i'll think about my mom while i do it, and about my beautiful girlfriend and her perfect baby boy, and it will reflect generations of love and support and commitment.



so i still cry sometimes, but i cry for myself.  i cry for my losses, i cry for my friend's losses, and i cry for the things we will all lose one day.  i cry for my joys and accomplishments, for my friend's joys, and for all the wonderful things i know are to come in the future.  but i don't cry because that one amazing woman left my life - as much as i miss her and the time we spent, i'm thankful for the time we spent and the lessons she taught me (that i may not have been ready to learn at the time).  and i think about sending her a card letting her know that.

happy new year, everyone.

i have a commitment issue.

i can't blog regularly.

i just don't know what my problem is.  i have so much to say, but i just don't write it out.

work has been amazing.  getting paid to help people kick substance abuse is rewarding and frustrating and terrifying and fulfilling.  i don't love watching people pee in cups, i hate being lied to, and i'm learning to identify the master manipulators sooner rather than later.  my background in customer service/admin and having owned my own business mean i'm a pro at the paperwork side of it, even though much of it is on the computer.  actually, that might be why i'm so good at it.  i find it pretty easy to figure out how to do everything on the computer.  much of the stuff is intuitive for me; it makes sense.

i'm only working 19 hours a week and am desperate for more hours.  as it is, i've been working a lot for free.  i work 4 days a week and never take my 30 minute lunch: that's 2 hours of free work a week.  on mondays, i had gotten into the habit of staying up to 2 hours late for free.  during the week it's not uncommon for me to stay at least 30 minutes late.  and on fridays, well anywhere from 1-2 hours late has been the norm.

have you kept up with that?  that's 7-8 hours of FREE WORK every week.

three or four hours of my time every week is expected to go to supervision or training, leaving me around 15 hours to see 7 or 8 clients (an hour a pop), run two groups (at least 3 hours total), and complete at least two intake assessments (about 5 hours).  if you add it up, it just about works.

if that was all i did.  that doesn't take into account the urine testing i have to do for my clients and other clients.  it doesn't account for extra paperwork, like treatment planning or admission/discharge crap.  it doesn't include time for calling probation officers and waiting for call backs and touching base with other counselors or faxing child protection.... on and on and on.

so, yeah.  i do about 26-27 hours of work a week.  and i know there's a 28 hour position in other locations... we just don't have the budget for it at our location.  damn it.  damn it all.

i've decided i can't get burned out.  i can't be continually taken advantage of.  so i've decided i have to leave closer to my scheduled time.  this week, i actually put my 30 minute lunch on my computer scheduler every day.  i try to stop working; today i managed to take almost 20 minutes looking away from my computer and doing not much work-related crap; i messed around on my phone.  i left 40 minutes late yesterday and about 25 minutes late today.  i took some time to really consider my schedule and see how i can move appointments around to better suit leaving on time.

my thought is that if i ONLY work the 19 (okay, maybe 21) hours a week, i won't be able to tackle any additional 'stuff'; hell, i may barely be able to tackle my stuff.  then they'll see that i either need a smaller caseload (booooo) or more hours (yaaaaaay).

it's strange, sort of.  having a job i love so much that i don't mind working for free.   because that's not it - i don't really mind working for free.  it's just i'd rather they pay me for it.  and if i keep doing it for free, they'll never realize they need to pay me for it.

i've thought about taking another part time job.  i'm not sure that will work very well, but i'd like the extra money.  it would be nice to have a bucketful of money to take to florida next fall.

yeah.... no.

that holistic vet that we went to?  rip off.

that $300 nutrition consultation?  the special, customized diet designed specifically for piglet?

it was ONE RECIPE that was made with a premix called balanceIT.  literally.  it was lamb, sweet potato, fish oil, and balanceIT powder.

$300.

ONE RECIPE.

PREMADE MIX.

it was like i paid $300 for a fucking advertisement.

so we didn't do that.  we made a different raw recipe.  i bought all my own supplements - fish oil, taurine, vitamins, all that crap.  i ground up raw chicken thighs, chicken livers, and small chicken hearts.  which was slightly devastating to me.

and the cats like it.  it's nutritionally balanced, it isn't made with a premix, and it didn't cost $300.

i took piglet for her 4th acupuncture appointment today.  it's $62 a session instead of $172.  and it's less than 10 minutes away with traffic, not 40 minutes away.  i'm hoping to get piglet's blood drawn by another vet within the next week or so to see where we're at.  i've decided that i'm basically going to suck it up and just go to a local vet that's not an idiot and refuse to discuss nutrition.

now, the smell of the raw food is making me sick.  literally.  and i'm very nervous about raw chicken and my stupid immune system.  awesome husband @_antgas and i are considering cooking the food next time.  at least it will still be home cooked and i will have control over what's in it.

in other non-cat news, next week is my last week of interning.  i'll be a full fledged alcohol and substance abuse counselor come june 2nd.  i'm super excited.  i've been decorating my office and buying twelve step books and all types of awesome shit.  very exciting.

i've been very tired recently, not sure if it's my RA or if i'm just beating myself up too much.  or working too hard.  or something.  ugh.

at least my cats are healthy.

update on awesome husband & piglet...

awesome husband @_antgas is no longer sick.  he's all better.  and back to work.  thank goodness.

but now he's got some pinched nerve or something or other.  he wakes up every night in pain now, around his neck and shoulders.  ugh.

now, me on the other hand.  i spent five days fighting with aetna insurance again trying to get my damn humira.  i got it.  damn it.  damn it.

and then my rheumy is leaving.  moving to texas.  so i have to find a new rheumy.  and start over with that relationship.  damn it.  DAMN IT.

i took my humira on saturday.  then sunday, monday, and tuesday nights i had so much trouble sleeping!  i don't remember this happening the first two times i took humira.  but i've been having really shattered sleep, like i keep waking up.  i go to bed at 9pm and sleep until 7am (i stayed up until 10pm last night, barely).  and then i have really vivid, really ridiculous dreams.  mostly drug dreams and sex dreams.  and the most annoying part is that i wake up and think about how stupid crazy the dream is, then roll over to go back to sleep... AND THE DREAM CONTINUES.

ridiculous.

piglet did well at her holistic vet appointment.  he handed me a $1200 estimate, including over $600 for X-rays... fucking X-rays.  i paid $300 for a nutritional consult - i filled out some paperwork about what i've fed piglet, what kind of things i want to do (feed raw, home cooked, etc) - and that paperwork goes to a veterinary nutritionist who reviews piglet's most recent vet records and designs a specialized diet for her.  i'm excited about it and hopeful that i can modify some of it to feed samantha and jake that food too.  holistic vet also wants us to give piglet chinese herbs to support renal function and acupuncture.

we believe in acupuncture.  but this holistic vet wanted to charge $95 for acupuncture AND the $77 office visit fee... and it's 35 minutes away and piglet hates the car.  so i did some calling and found a very local veterinary emergency clinic that has an acupuncturist on site that charges around $50 - the only thing i have to do is pay $150 for a one-time consult.  i'll live with that.  piglet will have acupuncture once a week for at least a few months.

and then holistic vet will take blood again and we'll see what piglet's kidneys are doing.  but she seems to be feeling well - piglet eats and drinks and runs and plays and stomps on me with her pretty pointy feet.

love it.

my first week of being a paid counselor!

it was good.  i had four days as a paid counselor and one day as an intern.  i supervised about 8 urine tests (awesome, right?) and lead a few groups.  i did some more decorating in my office.  i have two posi vinyl clings on my walls and moved around my desk and rehabbed that $15 craigslist bookcase for my office.  it came out pretty good and i plan on doing a separate post about that.  with photos.  of course.

awesome husband @_antgas had to travel for work this past week, so it feels like i haven't seen him since last weekend.  he came home on thursday night, we worked on friday, and now today we're thinking of doing some shopping.  it's supposed to be a rainy, icky day for much of the day so we thought being in the mall would be okay.  and maybe we'll spend some time at home just relaxing.  ultimately i have to clean the apartment and do laundry, too, but i have tomorrow as well.

that farm we like to go to is having what they call chick-a-palooza this weekend.  lots of chickens and some vendors and bee keeping talks and stuff like that.  we went last year and are planning on going tomorrow for a couple of hours.

of course, nothing goes as smoothly as we want it to.  up the chain somewhere at work, someone is convinced that i can't do work that we bill medicaid for.  i work for a non-profit where the majority of clients are on medicaid.  like, probably 90% of clients are on medicaid.  so i don't know why someone gave the okay to hire me if i can't do anything billable.  i keep going on all the state websites to find proof from the state that i can do billable work and submitting it to people who should care and they keep not caring.  they're paying me to be an intern at this point.  it's pretty hysterical.

but my supervisor decided to give me two clients yesterday during case conference.  she said that if they still get bitchy about me doing billable work, she'll take them.  but what will probably really happen is that i'll be their 'counselor' and she'll pop in at the end of the sessions so we can bill.  it's just, ugh.  nothing can be easy.

i almost had a breakdown last tuesday because i called my therapist so that i could switch my appointment time from fridays at 10am, since i'll be working, and i was told he had no other availability.  it really threw me because it's hard to find a therapist that i don't hate.  and we've already started working together well; it's been a couple of months.  thankfully one of the other office assistants called me and asked for my availability, juggled some other clients around, and got me tuesdays at 3pm.  i was ridiculously happy.  like you have no idea.  and it's been two weeks since i've seen my therapist and i'm like ugh.  i can't wait until tuesday.

at least it's friday.... ?

it's been an interesting week.

i'm still off my rheumatoid disease meds - no methotrexate (chemo), no enbrel.  of course, it was time to switch from enbrel to humira anyway.  this last week the pain and fatigue have REALLY caught up with me.  very upsetting.

last friday night was the billy joel concert - so much fun!  awesome husband @_antgas and i had a great time.  billy played some old songs that don't get played that much.  taking a cue from @_antgas, i used my iPhone to note the set list so i'll always remember what i've heard live.  this was my ninth time seeing him though (i think.  it sounds about right) sooooooo there's a lot missing from what i've seen played live.

i took a few photos too.  our seats were right behind the stage in the 300 section, which is this weird bridge thing.  we were in the front row and it was great - no one in front of me.  i was able to sit the entire show and still see, and the sound was still great.

our view of the stage before the concert

yay! billy!

billy's piano spins.

on the train to the city, there were two couples pregaming the billy joel concert on the train (yes, this is long island).  we were going through the valley stream station and one of the girls goes, 'this is where i used to live, valley stream.... suffolk is so white trash'.  if you're from long island, you'll see why this was HYSTERICAL coming from a woman pregaming billy joel on the train drinking miller lite out of a can.... hysterical.

we missed the train on the way home.  damn it.  we caught the first train from penn station into babylon, where we had to transfer, but we missed the transfer by a couple of minutes.  stupid.  so we had an hour to kill at 12:30 in the morning, which meant listening to what i suspect was a homeless woman cough like she was dying while smoking cigarettes and watching drunk people (some of whom were wearing really high heels) run up and down the escalators, since of course they weren't working.

when we got on the train home, a group of kids (probably mid-twenties.  that's how you know you're old, when you refer to 20-somethings as 'kids') stumbled up with the conductor right on their heels yelling at them about delaying the train.  apparently one of the kids leaned out the door to light and smoke a cigarette while we were stopped at a station.... um, really?  once the conductor walked away, the guys were SUCH DOUCHECANOES.  so bad.

i slept late on saturday and we took it pretty easy all weekend.  but i was still tired on monday - fell back asleep and took a nap in the afternoon.  same on wednesday - tuesday and thursday i interned and did alright.  but today i turned off my alarm and fell back asleep - for two hours!  i had to rush to get ready to go to my therapist appointment.  which was emotional enough itself, of course.

piglet's maintaing.  sort of.  it's been about 6 weeks since we noticed piglet's tooth injury.  we knew it would probably have to come out; the vet said it would probably die so i was watching for that.  in early march, her tooth started to look a little worse, so i called the vet to have it extracted.  that's when they found out her kidneys were failing - pre-surgery blood work.  i've been going back and forth and trying to talk through what's happening and what our options are.  that was three weeks ago today, and on wednesday i realized her tooth was looking really bad - it's like it's completely covered by the gums (it's a canine tooth).  shit.  so i called the vet and told them and was like, i can't wait any longer.  we need more bloodwork to see if she's improved at all with her modified diet.  that tooth needs to come out, and we can't do that unless her kidneys improve.  she's been on antibiotics this entire time and her tooth has only gotten worse.  but the vet thought maybe her numbers were so bad because she had a kidney infection - if that was the case, her numbers should have improved... right?  ugh.

oh, and i never did get my tattoo touch up.  i still felt too poorly on my appointment day to go in and get it done.  i'm planning on starting my chemo again tonight or tomorrow and the humira is being delivered tomorrow.  i have to decide when i'm starting that.  hopefully soon because everything hurts.

after the vet tomorrow, we have a pretty relaxing weekend lined up.  hanging out with friends tomorrow night and just cleaning and laundry the rest of the time.  i hope that my meds will start doing their shit soon enough and then i'll feel GREAT!  right? ;)

me and piglet <3 i="">

ahh, wednesday.

i'm finally not really that sick any longer.  it's been two weeks since i started feeling ill and i'm still a little snotty and coughing a bit.  i can't fucking wait until it's all cleared up.  it better be soon.  ugh.

my birthday was last week.  and i was sick.  so, you know.  awesome husband @_antgas and i went to benihana (if you have a local location, join their chef's club and you'll get a $30 certificate for your birthday!) and ate A LOT.  then on my birthday we went over our friends' house and had nathan's for dinner.  it was very nice and nostalgic: when we were younger, my mom would pick up nathan's hot dogs and french fries for a special dinner on our birthdays.  she'd also get this lemony cake for dessert.  i don't know how many years we did it, but i remember it being a thing.  the next night we had greek food and ice cream with my bestie for forever.

my dad's birthday is the week before mine, so we've often done joint birthday things.  on sunday, we went to our favorite steak house with dad, my brother, his fiancee sisterfromanothermister, and my twin half sisters.  it was lots of food and lots of fun.  i had a meat-ful weekend.

so much meat.  so much.

i'm not eating meat until saturday again.  @_antgas' mom is having st. patrick's day.  we didn't do anything for st. paddy's day because i won't cook meat and we don't drink... so, kind of pointless.  but for saturday i'm planning on making scratch irish soda bread - one without raisins because i hate raisins - and i might make my family's cole slaw.

i've been off my meds forever, it feels like.  my joints are screaming.  and the fatigue is coming back. it's like just existing in this much pain causes fatigue.  i'm kind of over it.

i'm getting some tattoo work done on thursday, not too much but a bit.  my rheumy said i should stop taking my meds for a week before and a week after if i want to get tattooed.  i've been off for over two weeks, almost three.  but then i have to wait for another week before i can start humira.  which is the next biologic drug we're trying.  enbrel didn't do shit.  i only hope humira does something.

piglet seems to be.... well, piglet.  her tooth is definitely getting worse, but she's still drinking and eating and peeing and pooping.  of course, every cat vomited everywhere last night.  damn it.  we'll bring piglet back in about two weeks to have another round of blood work and see if anything's changed.  i guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it....

feline chronic kidney whatever

some people call it 'kidney failure'.  some 'kidney disease'.  the practical upshot of all of it is that piglet's kidneys are not functioning as the cat goddess intended.

the cat goddess is probably bastet.  she's probably in charge of all cat-related things.

piglet has had a tooth issue for a few weeks now.  when we took her to the vet about a month ago, it looked like her tooth had been chipped.  there was a spot with no enamel and the dentin was exposed.  it seemed painful to her.  we put her on a round of antibiotics and the vet said the tooth may die and have to be extracted.  so i kept an eye on the tooth.  it's had a bit of a growth on it, like the gum is growing over it, and it comes and goes.  but it hadn't been looking like it was dying or that it was bothering her that much.  i was considering finding a vet dental specialist.

a few days ago, piglet started getting a bit lethargic.  her tooth had no change, she was still eating and peeing and pooping, she was still purring and snuggling and playing as normal, but she just seemed a bit run down.  i decided we needed to take the tooth out now because it seemed to be bothering her.  the vet wanted to take a look at it first and since it's a far drive, we decided to bring her in just before appointments started to ensure removing it was the best thing, then she could stay there and have the procedure or i could take her home if we decided against it.

i brought her in.  three of the four vets were in house yesterday; as a family, we've been dealing with the two oldest ones since the early '90s and i trust them both - and they both agreed the tooth needed to come out.  they said they'd take blood to make sure everything was good to go, take out the tooth, biopsy the growth thingy near the gum just in case, and handed me a RIDICULOUS estimate that made me cringe.  but it's my baby.

about an hour after i got home, one of the older vets called about piglet's blood work.  her kidneys were not functioning well.  her levels were, well, bad.  like two to three times higher than the high end of 'normal'.  i asked the vet if we'd call this early stage kidney failure and she said no, it's worse than that.  we kept our oldest cat taylor alive in early stage kidney failure for over five years with diet.  this would be like late stage three kidney failure; piglet's kidneys have probably lost about 80% of their function.

the tooth has to stay in for now.  we got a bit of info this morning about her urine - it's filled with blood and pus, but that *could* mean that she just has a really bad infection.  maybe a bit of a diet tweak and some antibiotics can fix this.  could it be related to the tooth?  could she have cancer?  could she be dying?  i try not to think about it, but i think it's something i have to think about.  i mean, let's get real - how much do i want to put piglet through?  our rottie nibbler was peeing blood and that turned out to be lymphoma.  with diet and subcutaneous fluids, we could probably keep piglet's kidneys functioning at or around 20% for at least a year or two.  maybe longer.  she's only nine and a half.

but she has other issues.  piglet has herpes, feline calcivirus.  she already has a kind of shitty immune system.  she hates getting medication.  she'll probably hate subq fluids if we end up having to do that at home.  this is treatable, yes, but not curable.  i love piglet, and i'll do what i can until she's no longer comfortable - the same we did with nibbler, the same i did with taylor, the same i'll do with any animal who trusts me to take care of them.

then i think about the supposedly positive diet changes i made for them - raw food and grain free.  samantha and jake seem to be doing well.  jake even lost weight and is a healthy weight now.  but now piglet is in kidney failure.  it's like, what did i do?  we fed taylor bullshit food for the first 11 years of his life (i was not in charge of that) and he went into kidney failure at age 11.  better food choices kept his kidneys functioning well enough for years.  i feed piglet the best food i can find for her as i learn more - at first she was on purina, then it moved to iams, then it moved to wellness, now nature's variety and raw foods - and she goes into kidney failure before age 10.  i know it's not my fault, i know it.  i know it happens, it's really pretty common in cats.  but what do i do?  what am i supposed to do?

i read all the ingredients and think about what they'd eat in the wild.  obviously we're not recreating that very well as humans.  feeding crap diets of kibble and low quality canned gives cats diabetes and makes them obese.  jake seems to gain weight on foods full of grains.  but grain free diets will be too protein rich for piglet.  the special kidney diets are filled with the type of crap i no longer wanted to feed my cats, but now it might be the best option for piglet.  i feel like no matter what i do, it's not good enough for my cats.

so here i am, again trying to determine a diet that will be best for all my cats.  trying to figure out where the money is coming from for all these tests and procedures and shit.  trying to decide what is the best course of action; how much we're willing to put piglet through; what we're willing to treat without the option of curing.

some days i hate life

i don't know what it is with me.

i just deleted someone that i considered one of my best friends mere weeks ago from my life.

we met by chance, when i was looking for someone to watch my clowder of cats while i went to disney with awesome husband @_antgas, my brother, and sisterfromanothermister.  i wanted someone who was professional - not just someone to watch my cats.  someone who wouldn't rob me, who would know what to do in a cat-related emergency, and maybe even take in the mail.

i found the company online last minute, like early january 2012.  she set up an appointment to meet us, my cats, and see the house.  when she came in, i introduced her to my husband.  she questioned our last name, i said what it was, and she said, 'i get your mail'.

just like that.  'i get your mail'.

she had purchased my mother's house in 2007.  the house we lived in when we got married, the house with the kitchen we redid, the house where we had so many fun times as a family.  she lived there.  and still got our mail almost 6 years later.

most of my cats liked her, and we secured her services for our vacation.  it seemed so funny, 'such a small world' kind of moment.

sometime in march of that year, i think, we hung out socially.  we got along like logs on fire.  it was hysterical.  even her husband and awesome husband @_antgas got along.  we all liked a lot of the same things, had similar senses of humor.  we all loved animals, the same cartoons.  and we lived like 5 blocks away from each other.

one of her dogs was fear aggressive.  she never wanted us to go near him, afraid that something would happen.  she'd give us treats to throw toward the dog when he barked at us.  we weren't afraid. after a few weeks, we finally convinced her to let us try interacting with him.  he ended up loving us.  she said we were two of the first and only people that he trusted.  i loved that feeling, i loved hearing how excited the dog would get when she said 'aunt steph's coming over! uncle ant's coming over!'  i loved brining him - and her other dogs and cats - presents and treats.  i loved how when she came over, she wanted to see the cats, interact with them, love them.

even more, i loved how it was when we spent time alone together.  snuggling with dogs and cats on the couch, shopping more than we probably should have, going out for sushi or frozen yogurt or starbucks.  we both had issues.  she was so supportive of me, i tried to be supportive of her.  she complimented me and i always brushed it off.  she taught me to shut the fuck up and take the compliment.  it was someone i could be myself with.  completely myself.  the pants could come off at this house.

when something happened and i needed someone, she'd fit me in.  when something happened and she needed someone, i tried to be that someone.  often she didn't want me to come over or meet her or whatever.  i wanted to be there for her the way i felt she was there for me.  i wanted to be the kind of friend to her i felt she was to me.

last summer, she went through some of her own shit.  she admitted that she withdrew from me, from some other people.  it was only a few weeks, but it upset me because i knew she didn't withdraw from everyone.  the first time we hung out again, in september, it was a bit strained.  i was trying to feel my way back to the relationship; she seemed to be doing the same.  i tried to act like we were back to normal: want to go shopping, want to go to dinner, want to snuggle with dogs.  she'd make plans with me sometimes, but i felt like she wasn't making time for me like she was before.  i tried to back off, but i missed spending time with her.  she owns her own business and i know sometimes shit happens: she'd had to cancel or move plans a few times before.  but this fall, it felt like it happened more often than not.  i started feeling like i wasn't as important to her as she was to me any more.

then on january 10-11, we had a big miscommunication.  i thought she had to check with her hubby about hanging out, she thought i said my hubby couldn't hang out.  wires got crossed.  instead of straightening them out, when she told me she made other plans, i told her how i felt.  i told her that i get it, and that it was done, but that i had been feeling more and more like she was canceling on me more often than not.  how i'm such a planner and it bugs me when plans change last minute, and how it made me sad and depressed when stuff like this happened.  i told her that it made me feel like she made time for others, but not for me.  i told her my truth at the time - looking back, i don't know if i should have.  maybe i should have waited and thought it out, maybe i should have said it a different way, whatever.

she apologized for making me feel that way.  she said she didn't intend to hurt me - i knew that.  she said that she guessed some things had changed since the summer, but not because of anything i did.  she said she hadn't really thought about it.  then she had to go because she had a sick dog, but signed off 'i'm sorry for how i made you feel and will talk about it more with you soon... xo'.

i stopped seeing her online.  she was never on facebook chat, or other social media sites, unless she was mentioning her sick dog.  i know that was a huge handful and she had shit going on - i gave her space.  i thought maybe she needed space.  she said she wanted to talk about it with me... i believed her.

last wednesday, i just missed her so much.  i had seen her being more active on social media, and thought maybe things were settling down for her.  i messaged her, saying it made me sad that we still hadn't talked.

no response.  not for two days.

i started feeling frantic.  what did i do?  i texted her; no response or acknowledgement or anything.  i messaged her on facebook again, asking if she was avoiding me, telling her i thought i should give her time, telling her i missed her.  nothing.  i tried to be a little cute, asking her if she wanted to meet for frozen yogurt or sushi, sending through cute pusheen pictures.  nothing.  i then told her it was obvious she was now ignoring me, and i didn't know what i did to deserve that.  i apologized if i'd hurt her, stating that would never have been my intention.

i spent hours crying, trying not to cry, crying some more.  trying not to cry, asking awesome husband what i did wrong, crying some more.  i spent a lot of the weekend trying not to think about her ignoring me, trying not to cry, trying not to feel.  i emailed her a heartfelt letter, asking her to let me know what i did, baring my heart.  i cried some more when i kept not getting a response.

last night, i sent her this message:

     Steph Gasseriously. i text you, message you, email you and you keep ignoring me? what's going on? 

Steph Gas

and it's obvious you're on fb and available to chat so you must be seeing my name come up and ignoring it. i just don't know what i did. i go back and forth between missing you so much that i just want to keep messaging you and being so angry that you're treating me like this.

 

Steph Gas

just to put it out there, i'm on the verge of deleting you from all of my social media. it makes me sad to see you commenting on mutual friend's things and ignoring me. since you're ignoring me for some reason, i'm curious as to why you haven't just deleted me from your life. maybe i'm still hoping that you'll start talking to me; maybe that's wishful thinking. i don't know why you've made this choice, all i know is that you made it. you never gave me a chance.

i deleted her from my facebook.  i unfollowed her twitter, instagram, and pinterest.  it makes me sad to see her comment on mutual friend's things, especially right under one of my comments, and know she is purposefully, willfully ignoring me for no reason that i can discern.  i'm sure she has a reason, but she's not sharing it with me.

i'm going to try not to cry over her any more.  someone posted something online that i stole because it really resonated with me on sunday, when i was trying not to cry about it...

   

if she can't even take a moment to respond to any of my contact attempts, even if it's just 'leave me the fuck alone', then she's not who i thought she was.  i deserve this.  i deserve respect, i deserve love, and i deserve someone's time.

i'll try not to cry about her any more.

honesty is such a lonely word.

i had written this as part of a journal i'm keeping mostly related to my rheumatoid disease diagnosis.  no one on that website knows me in real life, unlike people who read this blog.  it's an easy way for me to write without worrying about what people i care for might think.  and it's turned into a good way to hide.   this entry is day ninety four since my diagnosis.  it seems like so much longer in so many ways; i don't remember what it's like to wake up without pain.  i don't remember what it's like to be able to go to the mall without having trouble walking around.  i don't remember what it's like to just sit still, reading or watching a movie, and not be in pain - even though i'm not moving.

i went to a psychologist for the first time in almost a decade yesterday.  i'm recognizing things in my life and thoughts that i do not like.  i have often glossed over some of my disordered eating, but over the past week i have spent more time thinking about food than i have spent thinking about anything else.  i think back to the days i was counting calories - how obsessive i would become.  save these breakfast calories so i can drink tonight.  save these lunch calories so i can go out to dinner later.  save calories every day this week so i can binge drink this weekend.  i don't drink any more, but neither do i count calories.  it becomes an obsession for me, counting calories in and out.  trying to determine exactly how many calories i've burned today - so i can have a bit more food and stay within my calorie goal.  

my behaviors vacillate back and forth, sometimes similar to an anorexic's behavior, sometimes similar to a bulimic.  i saw an episode of 'my strange addiction' where the girl took so many laxatives - common for some anorexic people.  i started wondering if that would work for me.  i scared myself.  i think i have a problem.

as billy joel wrote, 'honesty is such a lonely word'.  if i'm only honest with myself, how can i get help?

cellulitis

it sounds a lot more glamorous... well, not really.  it sounds kind of gross.

but it's what i have apparently.

so remember the last time we spoke? i mentioned my new tattoo.  i'm now twelve days post-tattoo. the swelling has gone down dramatically - it's really not too swollen most of the time.  if i haven't elevated it for a bit, or do too much walking (like on saturday), the swelling is really concentrated around my ankle and a  bit around the tattoo itself.

yesterday....

ugh.  yesterday.

i kept my foot up just about all day and then went to an appointment at school.  putting my foot down was still painful - still a bit of that searing, burning pain as the blood drained back into my calf and foot.  but then the pain like actually behind the tattoo was still there.  over the past week, it was hard to get started walking, but once i started it was pretty painless.

not yesterday.

so when i got home i had a complete nervy b and lost my rag.  i was crying and having bad thoughts and considering a drive to the hospital.  it's not like i'm going to kill myself over a painful tattoo.  but if you're crazy like me and know depression lies, sometimes the lies come out of nowhere and ruin everything.

luckily i have an awesome husband and he helped me stay calm(ish).  i woke up early this morning to go to work and omfg my leg.  my ankle was ridiculous.  my calf, the area behind the tattoo, was killing me.  like really painful, even if i didn't have weight on it.  i thought it would work itself out, so i got ready for work and hobbled to the car.

i made it about 30 minutes down the highway and realized something was not right.  pressing on the accelerator was hurting my ankle.  my calf still hurt.  the pain was pretty bad.  like, bad enough that i was fighting tears.  i decided i had to turn around and do something.  i didn't want to go to the emergency room alone, so i thought i'd try a local urgent care center that just opened.

it wasn't open yet.  it opened at 8am.  it was 7:01.  so i drove home.  and spent probably the longest 50 minutes of my life waiting.

i did not elevate my leg because i didn't want it to feel better and then have to put it down and OMFG SEARING PAIN.  but leaving it down hurt.  that didn't happen yesterday - once it was down and the blood returned to the area, it didn't really hurt at all.  so i was very uncomfortable.  i hobbled back to the car and drove to the urgent care and filled out their paperwork and saw the nurse.  she said, oh, looks like cellulitis.  i was like, what's that?  super nasty swelling?  she was like, basically.  the doctor will be right in.

the doctor came in - he was very nice.  i told him that the actual healing of the tattoo seemed normalish for me - a bit slower than usual.  but the redness and scabbing seemed pretty normal compared to what happened last time.  he poked a bit at the area and started manipulating my ankle.  he said what i was saying almost sounded like a sprain - there shouldn't be that kind of pain, especially this long after the tattoo and considering how much the swelling has already gone down.  he felt the swelling and listened to what i said and considered my RA and the meds i'm on.  he decided it sounds like cellulitis.

so according to webMD and my sister-from-another-mister's mom (who works for her dad who is an amazeballs surgeon), cellulitis is a skin and sub-cutaneous tissue infection.  from the bit of dr. googling i've done since coming home, it seems that my RA medications lowered my immune system more than i expected.  i've never got an infection following a tattoo (it's not very common if you take care of your new tattoo) so what follows is all conjecture.

the swelling was more than normal, but it was a big tattoo and caused a lot of trauma.  i followed my normal after care routine but i think my suppressed immune system meant the tattoo wasn't healing as fast as it usually would, leaving more opportunity for bacteria to infiltrate.  once that happened, my suppressed immune system was not only unable to keep healing my tattoo well, but it couldn't fight off the bacteria as expected.

now i have an infection.  i think it is definitely sub-cutaneous now that i've read some symptoms and what not.  the pain i'm having in the area like behind my tattoo and towards the ankle sounds like it's more than just a skin infection.  and the absolute fuckton of antibiotics the doctor put me on makes me feel like it's way more than just a skin infection.  apparently, cellulitis can become bad enough that one needs to be hospitalized for intravenous antibiotics.

so, does this count as my first RA-related secondary illness?

the urgent care doc said that if it gets any worse OR does not get any better over the next couple of days, i should go to to emergency room.  so if it doesn't get better, i'll be spending black friday in the emergency room.

happy thanksgiving.

a continuing whirlwind of slowness and crap

i know, it's a stupid title.  i can't always be witty and awesome.

well, i can.  and i am.  but i'm just not really putting in the effort right now.

my leg is *still* swollen, but i've been able to like, you know.  walk around.  a bit.  it still hurts.  i'm shocked that a damn tattoo can cause this kind of problem for this length of time.  i've put myself on prednisone to see if it helps (it really hasn't) so i'm going to taper off that again.  it hasn't really helped my RA either.  hmm.

now tuesday i had an appointment with my rheumy.  she said my hands and fingers were A LOT more swollen than last time.  oh, okay.  i guess because i see them every day, i don't notice it.  she said that means the RA is progressing.  i told her the pain and everything was still there.  so she decided to up my methotrexate (the chemo medication) and prep me to add a biologic next month.  you see the commercials for biologics on television: enbrel, humira, etc.  that's freaking me out a little.  but we'll figure it out.

then my paid job turned to an unpaid internship.  the organization that hired me is willing to let me do my internship there but internships are not paid.  it's good that i'll still be working there and getting my hours in and whatever, but i kind of wanted a job.  i do have an interview for a per diem counseling job, so that might help.

i really wish i had funny or insightful things to say.  i don't.  i've been pretty lame for a couple of weeks.  i've been really headachy and still fatigued and tired and now this past week my leg has been, ugh.  just horrible.  so i don't want to do anything.

awesome husband @_antgas and i have the entire weekend off together with minimal plans - dinner with his parents one night.  that's it.  i'm really looking forward to that.  just a bunch of down time.  hopefully my leg stops hurting and we can snuggle or something.

what is happening to me?

it's like i'm turning into a monster.  or something.

i'm so depressed most of the time.  i'm not sure i remember the last time i laughed.  all i do is stare at the television, stare at the computer.  think about how much my ankles hurt.  my wrists.  my fingers.  my hips.  my shoulders.  i goof off on pinterest.  i don't really want to cook.  go food shopping.  anything.

i did homework today.  i went to work with my dad on tuesday.  i went to the doctor tuesday night and let him give me a damn flu shot because my immune system is suppressed.  i went to a meeting with my advisor about school.

i guess that's some good-ish news.  i currently have 91 credits (meaning i am a senior. yay.).  after i pass my three classes this semester, i'll have 100 credits and be 28 away from graduation.  next semester i am hoping to do my practicum (300 hours of interning worth 10 credits) and taking one class.  meaning this summer, i'll be a mere 15 credits away from graduation.  that's 5 classes.  and she told me about these DSST tests - like challenge tests.  they cost $130 each and can be worth 3 credits each.  she's recommending i see if there are three or four i think i'd like to take and seeing if the registrar will allow it.

then i'll only need one or two classes.  boom.

i think she recommended it after we talked about my RA for a few minutes.  she said i can ask for extra time to complete my current classes - up to 40 days.  i told her that won't be necessary.  i'm barely working now - i can power through this semester.  then next semester will be homework-and-studying light, and then i might cap myself at two classes a semester.  i'll have to check with financial aid to figure out what the best way to do that is.  but that can wait until summer registration.

i keep thinking i shouldn't even bother.  i mean, i'm already over $40k in debt for school.  i basically have my practicum left before i finish my CASAC (for alcohol and substance abuse counseling) and then just the handful of classes to finish my bachelor's degree, so i might as well finish that up.  i guess.  but then going on for my masters?  what's the point?  who knows how much longer i'll be able to work.  and then how will i pay back the loans?  i don't mean like in a year i'll be unable to work.  but what if i'm disabled by the time i'm 50? 45?  i don't know.  everyone tells me i should go for it.  just finish school and go for my masters and do what i've planned on, what i wanted to do.

but why bother?

and then there's the fact that i feel like no one cares.  and i know people do.  i guess they do.  and this is so stupid to write and i sound like such a baby but i want someone to be sad.  i want someone to be sad with me and mourn the life that i'm losing.  i want someone to realize how much it sucks that my life trajectory has to change so much.  i want someone to commiserate with me, to cry with me, to be horrified with me.  i have one girlfriend who gets it - she was sad with me, she wanted to talk about it, she asked me questions.

whatever.

so apparently i'm just back to crazy.

adjusting to a new 'normal'

i don't know that it will ever happen.

i've had a rough week.  i took my third dose of methotrexate last sunday.  i didn't experience much nausea at all this week - which is nice - but pain.... oh my.  i have numerous joints involved today:

• toes
• ankles
• hips
• shoulders
• wrists
• all knuckles

and some kind of pain on my right side.  like my rib cage.  i'm not sure if that is RA related or medication related or whatever.

it's a special kind of pain.  not that i've experienced every kind of pain there is.  but i smashed the bones in one of my toes, ripped a tendon off the top of one foot, had my gallbladder try to kill me, herniated a total of 5 different disks in my back and neck...  and some of those hurt a lot.  the smashed toe after a car accident was pretty bad, but it also included three herniated disks, whiplash, bruised my entire foot and ankle, my face was attacked by an airbag, and i developed PTSD.  so there was a lot going on there.

this pain, the joint pain from RA, it's different.  like, if i lie down on a comfy bed, properly supported and with a pillow under my head - everything hurts.  just sitting hurts.  standing hurts,  the act of typing doesn't seem to make anything hurt more.  i can clean the house and although the act of cleaning may cause some pain in joints (i.e.: hips while vacuuming), i don't feel any worse after doing it.  

the other 'fun' thing is the sudden OW that occurs.  my ankles weren't bothering me that much yesterday.  i stopped at a couple of stores, spent maybe a total of 25 minutes on my feet or walking. i get to the grocery store, do some food shopping, and BAM.  halfway through my shopping trip, my left ankle was like HOLY FUCKING GOD STOP WALKING OR I WILL EXPLODE.  

so i came home, unpacked shit, and took a nap.  which is about the story of my life.  i do something, something hurts me, i find a way to take a nap.

i'm supposed to clean the house today and go to school tomorrow.  i don't know if either of those things is going to occur.

apparently, this is 'normal'.  this will be my new normal.  i will be achy.  i will be tired.  i will get pain out of nowhere.  and i'm 33 years old.

and i'm fucking angry.  why is this happening to me?  why do i have to put up with this?  it is not fair.

i sound like a kid.  'it's not fair!' 'i don't wanna!'

i believe in karma.  and i know i wasn't always a good person.  but i don't necessarily believe that being a bitch gains one RA.  my maternal uncle and cousin (who is younger than me) have RA.  so much of it is genetic.  one of the most annoying things (to me at least) is how healthy awesome husband @_antgas and i had been living.  we eat meat maybe twice a week (unless it's bbq time - yummy) and once is usually fish (sushi).  we cut out SO MANY processed foods.  i still like morningstar veggie burgers because they taste good and are an easy dinner option.  but i didn't buy the damn cheeze its after reading the ingredients.  we started juicing and incorporating more fresh fruit and veg into our diets.  aside from white sugar (which i'm almost out of and am planning on replacing with a better option) we barely have any white food in the house - we very rarely buy anything with white flour (read: bleached and enriched, a process that steals all the nutritional value from the grain and then chemically adds the nutrients back).  we work very hard to ensure we don't eat anything with high fructose corn syrup or hydrogenated oils (both are heavily processed ingredients).  fucking hell, i STOPPED DRINKING DIET COKE.  

giving up diet coke was the ONE thing i always said i'd never do.  i stopped smoking.  i stopped doing drugs.  i stopped cutting/self injuring.  i stopped drinking alcohol.  

and then i gave up diet coke.  i have drank a couple of cans of diet dr. pepper in the past couple of months because it's what dad had at the office.  but i used to drink like 2 liters of diet coke a day.

i try not to buy things with fake sugar because it's processed.  but that's very hard - so i try.  and then i'm eating extra calories because replacing fake calorie free sugars with real sugars means more calories.  it's a game of balancing - would i rather have more natural calories, or fewer chemical-laden calories?  i choose more natural calories.  and i haven't gained any weight - but i have not lost a pound.  so everyone who says 'drinking diet soda makes you fat' can kiss my fat, no-diet-soda-drinking ass.

i had already adjusted to that 'new normal'.  working on eating healthier, more whole foods.  and now this.

what the fuck am i supposed to do with this?  

i guess the positive is that my pristiq is still working.  as upset and negative as i get, i'm not as crazy as i used to be.  some of the obsessive thoughts have come back - something i haven't told anyone yet.  i have thought about killing myself, but that's part of obsessive thoughts - not something i would act on.  which is the most annoying part about my obsessive thoughts.  it's stuff i know i wouldn't act on with my rational mind.  i know it.  but my crazy, irrational mind gives me these great reasons to kill myself, or hurt myself, or whatever.  the pristiq has really, really, really helped that.  that used to be my 'normal': listening to part of my brain try to convince me to kill myself.  and i would just try to ignore it or block it out with recreational drug use.  a bit over a year ago the obsessive thoughts started again and we increased my pristiq.  i don't think i want to do that again because i'm pretty sure that the reason the obsessive thoughts are back is the stress with my recent diagnosis.  so i'm waiting it out and trying to stay positive. 

it's not easy.

but i'm working on it.

today's issue: cleaning the house.  i'll attack that posi posi posi and maybe treat myself after with something yummy.  maybe like zucchini chips.... hmm, maybe i'll make them and share the recipe!

in the meantime, check out my instagram @stephgas to see photos of the cats in their halloween garb.  follow me on pinterest @stephgas.  and follow me on tumblr (guess what my handle is there?)

satur-interesting-day

today has been an interesting day.

i woke up early to drive awesome husband @_antgas to the airport.  he's in florida for a couple of days.  my brother and sister-from-another-mister are on a family vacation there (with her family).  i had a bucketful of jetblue points and halloween horror nights are going on at universal studios.  i hate scary things, but the three of them love shit like that.  so being the best wife EVER, i sent him to florida to go to the gym with his friend, smoke a cigar, and spend tomorrow at universal studios.  he'll get to go to harry potterville and drink butterbeer (damn him), see the new simpsons area, and spend the night getting scared.  the themes this year are 'the walking dead', 'the cabin in the woods', and 'evil dead'.

that's important.  'evil dead' is his like favorite movie.  and he loves 'the walking dead'.  and he made me watch 'the cabin in the woods' the other night and now i get why he liked it so much.  but seriously, 'evil dead'?  that's really what it's all about.  @_antgas loves it, loves it, loves it.

so after waking at the ass crack of dawn (actually, it was before dawn) and getting my vanilla soy latte on, i dropped @_antgas at the airport and turned around.  i also made my best time yet from queens county to my house waaay out in suffolk county.  i spent the morning cleaning at a leisurely pace.  i dusted the bedroom and living room.  i vacuumed the carpets and the couch and the cat beds.  i washed the kitchen and bathroom, including floors.  i cleaned the litter boxes and changed the towels.

i also made my first bottle of homemade all-purpose cleaner.  i used an empty spray bottle and filled it half with white vinegar and half water.  then i added like 40 drops of tea tree essential oil.  the vinegar smell fades and the tea tree is antibacterial, antimicrobial, and all around cleansing.

what did i not do today?  shave.

i'm married (read: have no one to impress) so i really only shave my legs once a week.  my hair is very fine, so even my stubble isn't like, really stubbly.  but i shave every friday or saturday (underarms are shaved as-needed).  the other day, i checked my under arms and they didn't look like the needed to be shaved.  i thought that was strange but whatever.

so yesterday i went to the city to work with dad and showered at like 5fuckingAM.  so no shaving done then.  but i realized that my leg hair was not growing.  i even had @_antgas feel my leg for stubble - nothing there.  which means that in eight days, i haven't grown any leg hair.  and i checked my under arms again, really checked.... nothing there, either.

i started researching why chemo drugs (like the methotrexate i'm on) make you lose your hair.  it's not that they make you lose your hair - your hair stops growing.  methotrexate stops certain types of cells from splitting and regenerating and whatnot (like ho cancer grows).  hair also grows like that.  so methotrexate stops your hair cells from splitting and growing.  when a strand of hair falls out of your head, it's falling out of the hair follicle.  methotrexate stops a new hair from forming and growing in that follicle.

so your hair doesn't fall out from chemo.  your hair falls out naturally (we all lose like a thousand hairs a day).  on chemo drugs, your hair doesn't grow and replace those fallen-out-hairs.

if my leg hair isn't growing, and my armpit hair isn't growing, doesn't it follow that the hair on my head is not/will not be growing?

in addition to spending some time researching that kind of shit, i spent some time freaking out and worrying and wondering and wishing that this didn't happen to me.  RA is a lot bigger than i thought it would be, and it's affecting me in more ways than i anticipated.  especially emotionally.

on top of that, i'm breaking out and nauseous more often than i care to admit.  and i'm not really hungry very often.  on one hand, that's good because maybe i'll lose some weight.  on the other hand, it's not that good because eating is important to staying healthy.

fuck.  times like this i wish i still drank.

instead, i'll take another pill or two like a good girl and go to bed to let my body rest.  tomorrow will be better.

vinegar... who knew?

i mean, i'm sure like our grandmothers or great grandmothers knew.  before all the chemicals, before all the clorox and windex and scrubbing bubbles, vinegar was the go to cleaner.

and with so many people looking for ways to cut chemicals from their lives, it's regaining popularity.  you can't read a green or eco-cleaning blog without wanting to run out and grab a bottle.  i started with a small bottle, then a larger one, and now am planning on buying it by the gallon.

right now, i'm cleaning my dishwasher (yes, i know) with two cups of vinegar on the top rack.  it's supposed to clean and freshen it.  i checked for crap first, and then i rubbed the sides and seals with a vinegary rag.  especially that crease at the bottom where the door closes - there was a ton of shit stuck in there.

i've also been using it in place of a fabric softener.  i put about 1/4 cup in the fabric softener spot in the washing machine at the laundromat.  my clothes do not come out smelling like vinegar, but fresh and soft.  i'm still having some static issues with my sheets and towels, but i'm working on fixing that... but that's another blog.

i've also found some recipes for more natural cleaning options.  i had been buying meyer's cleaning products (an all purpose/counter cleaner and a scrubbing powder).  they are pricey.  i've been researching ways to make countertop cleaners with vinegar and essential oils.  so i can just buy a spray bottle and mix up my spray cleanser.  need more scrubbing power?  sprinkle some baking soda on the surface, spray a bit of the cleanser, and scrub away.

awesome husband @_antgas has put his foot down with a firm hand about dishwashing soaps though.  he wants to keep using store bought stuff.  i figure it's a good compromise - i'm making our laundry soap, using vinegar as a softer, incorporating it into our cleaning routine.  it's going to save money and the environment (or so i'm told).

now, why am i doing all of this?  once we started trying to eat cleaner, i realized how many chemicals we are surrounding ourselves with and depositing in the water table.  it started with laundry soap - and when we realized how well it worked and how little it cost, we were sold.  i learned about the chemicals that are deposited on our clothes when we use dryer sheets, and i stopped using them immediately.  the other hold outs are scrubbing bubbles shower cleaner - i purchased a four pack on sale at costco, and omg it works so well - and rug cleaner.  three cats vomit up hairballs and whatnot.  i need to be able to clean that out of our rented apartment carpets.

oh, and i bought professional chemical-filled upholstery cleaner for the car.  but i had pee on my passenger seat.  so fuck that.

but where will we draw the line?  i've already found one line - personal care products.  i love my shampoos.  i love my dove soap.  i love my makeup and my face cleansers and i don't know how well all natural stuff will work.  most of my makeup is organic and/or hypoallergenic and what not.  i'm in love with tarte stuff with amazonian clay.  as far as face cleansers, some people swear by nice, gentle cetaphil for cleansing, witch hazel for toner, and olive or coconut oil for moisturizing.  i'm not there yet.

anyway, my father revbobdad says i'm turing into a big, crunchy, fucking hippie.  i don't think that's quite true, but we are trying to live healthier.  it's all about balance.  another thing i won't change - cat litter.  i don't care how dusty or unnatural or whateverthefuck my cat litter is - it clumps, my cat's don't hate it, and it absorbs odors.  no discussion there.

i even bought label thingies that i can print for my stuff.  i can make or find pretty labels and print them out on my printer and slap them on my laundry soap container and my spray stuff and omg i'm so excited!  it is possible that laundry soap may show up on my holiday gift lists because it's eco-friendly, wallet friendly, and personal.  i've also had a strange urge to crochet.  mostly because i saw this:

image from http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/newborn-guinea-pig.  omg so cute!

then, of course, i found other things.  like little crocheted cats and squids and omfg i have no idea what i'd do with all these tiny crocheted animals but i want them all.

so, anyway.  i'm busy doing absolutely nothing.  just cleaning with vinegar, assaulting pinterest, and considering learning how to crochet.  you know, the usual.