i went to a psychologist for the first time in almost a decade yesterday. i'm recognizing things in my life and thoughts that i do not like. i have often glossed over some of my disordered eating, but over the past week i have spent more time thinking about food than i have spent thinking about anything else. i think back to the days i was counting calories - how obsessive i would become. save these breakfast calories so i can drink tonight. save these lunch calories so i can go out to dinner later. save calories every day this week so i can binge drink this weekend. i don't drink any more, but neither do i count calories. it becomes an obsession for me, counting calories in and out. trying to determine exactly how many calories i've burned today - so i can have a bit more food and stay within my calorie goal.
my behaviors vacillate back and forth, sometimes similar to an anorexic's behavior, sometimes similar to a bulimic. i saw an episode of 'my strange addiction' where the girl took so many laxatives - common for some anorexic people. i started wondering if that would work for me. i scared myself. i think i have a problem.
as billy joel wrote, 'honesty is such a lonely word'. if i'm only honest with myself, how can i get help?
i am struggling. just with everything. i'm starting to fixate on my weight and thinking i have an eating disorder. it's like i can't help what i eat or when i eat it. yesterday i ate so much: cereal, coffee, apple, 12" sub, hot chocolate, salad, homemade veggie udon, organic chocolate graham crackers. then today - well, i've been up for 12 hours and i've had a bowl of cereal, a latte, about two servings of pretzels, and a handful of tortilla chips and salsa. i had a bit of a breakdown while interning today and it makes me feel like i can't do anything. one of the counselors was giving me some feedback - nothing bad, nothing critical - and i just started crying and i couldn't stop. thankfully, working in mental health is one place you can cry without knowing why and no one thinks you're crazy.
of course, i think i'm crazy.
i wasn't hungry. i was so busy and learning and doing and whatever that i didn't feel hungry at 3pm (yesterday by 3pm i had felt like i was starving on two different occasions and had already eaten a ton of food). as soon as i calmed my crying down, i retreated to my office to try to make myself look more normal and all i could think about was eating. i found myself planning - i had a rough day, i should get chinese. maybe we should go out. i deserve chips and salsa when get home. maybe i should stop and get another latte. maybe hubby will want to get sushi. ooh, maybe we can go out AND get ice cream.
all i could think about was food. it's still happening now. i had a bad afternoon - i want food. the same way an alcoholic says 'i had a bad day, i'm going to stop and have a drink'. and like an alcoholic, i can't stop at one.
i stopped doing drugs in 2001 - 12 years ago. i have 10 months alcohol free. i've been fat since 1998, after i was homeless and before my first nervous breakdown. since then, i've just put on more and more weight. i'm probably the only person in the history of forever who *didn't* lose weight while abusing cocaine. i used to justify my use all the time - and now here i am, justifying my eating.
i've changed my diet before. i stopped drinking regular soda - cut over 2000 liquid calories out of my diet EACH DAY - and lost no weight. i tried a low calorie diet - 1200cal/day. my body couldn't handle it - it wasn't enough. i started getting sick and having trouble staying awake during the day. i went 90% vegetarian, cut out a huge percentage of processed food, eat organic when i can, don't use white sugar or flour, omfg so many things. i even cut my cheese consumption. and i still can't lose weight.
i've looked into bariatric surgery. i'm terrified of it. i'm terrified of the recovery - i'll have a damn pouch. i'll never be able to go to our favorite steakhouse and enjoy an 8oz filet again. which i don't do often - every other month or so. food is our thing - my husband and i love to eat, love certain restaurants. and while i might eat out and have one 'bad' meal a week, that can't ruin the other 6.5 days, right?
i used my insurance website to look for psychiatrists who treat eating disorders. none of them are accepting new patients (this is when i went into overdrive eating chips and salsa. i'm not hungry right now, but i'd eat them if i wasn't typing.). i want a doctor who will prescribe me controlled substances to help me lose weight... oh, but most won't because i'm a recovering addict.
now, let's add mtx, enbrel, and all the shit that comes with RA to that pile. i am a hot fucking mess right now and it's making me so depressed. my obsessive thoughts are coming back. i have more headaches. i'm depressed and anxious and want drugs, alcohol, food. food, mostly. because it's easiest to get food. i can eat food without people being disappointed in me. if i scored coke or bought alcohol, so many people would be sad. so many people would be disappointed in me.
if i went to friendly's and ordered a five scoop sundae with double hot fudge, oreos, whipped cream, and sprinkles? not so much.