it's like i'm turning into a monster. or something.
i'm so depressed most of the time. i'm not sure i remember the last time i laughed. all i do is stare at the television, stare at the computer. think about how much my ankles hurt. my wrists. my fingers. my hips. my shoulders. i goof off on pinterest. i don't really want to cook. go food shopping. anything.
i did homework today. i went to work with my dad on tuesday. i went to the doctor tuesday night and let him give me a damn flu shot because my immune system is suppressed. i went to a meeting with my advisor about school.
i guess that's some good-ish news. i currently have 91 credits (meaning i am a senior. yay.). after i pass my three classes this semester, i'll have 100 credits and be 28 away from graduation. next semester i am hoping to do my practicum (300 hours of interning worth 10 credits) and taking one class. meaning this summer, i'll be a mere 15 credits away from graduation. that's 5 classes. and she told me about these DSST tests - like challenge tests. they cost $130 each and can be worth 3 credits each. she's recommending i see if there are three or four i think i'd like to take and seeing if the registrar will allow it.
then i'll only need one or two classes. boom.
i think she recommended it after we talked about my RA for a few minutes. she said i can ask for extra time to complete my current classes - up to 40 days. i told her that won't be necessary. i'm barely working now - i can power through this semester. then next semester will be homework-and-studying light, and then i might cap myself at two classes a semester. i'll have to check with financial aid to figure out what the best way to do that is. but that can wait until summer registration.
i keep thinking i shouldn't even bother. i mean, i'm already over $40k in debt for school. i basically have my practicum left before i finish my CASAC (for alcohol and substance abuse counseling) and then just the handful of classes to finish my bachelor's degree, so i might as well finish that up. i guess. but then going on for my masters? what's the point? who knows how much longer i'll be able to work. and then how will i pay back the loans? i don't mean like in a year i'll be unable to work. but what if i'm disabled by the time i'm 50? 45? i don't know. everyone tells me i should go for it. just finish school and go for my masters and do what i've planned on, what i wanted to do.
but why bother?
and then there's the fact that i feel like no one cares. and i know people do. i guess they do. and this is so stupid to write and i sound like such a baby but i want someone to be sad. i want someone to be sad with me and mourn the life that i'm losing. i want someone to realize how much it sucks that my life trajectory has to change so much. i want someone to commiserate with me, to cry with me, to be horrified with me. i have one girlfriend who gets it - she was sad with me, she wanted to talk about it, she asked me questions.
so apparently i'm just back to crazy.