Thursday, November 7, 2013

what is happening to me?

it's like i'm turning into a monster.  or something.

i'm so depressed most of the time.  i'm not sure i remember the last time i laughed.  all i do is stare at the television, stare at the computer.  think about how much my ankles hurt.  my wrists.  my fingers.  my hips.  my shoulders.  i goof off on pinterest.  i don't really want to cook.  go food shopping.  anything.

i did homework today.  i went to work with my dad on tuesday.  i went to the doctor tuesday night and let him give me a damn flu shot because my immune system is suppressed.  i went to a meeting with my advisor about school.

i guess that's some good-ish news.  i currently have 91 credits (meaning i am a senior. yay.).  after i pass my three classes this semester, i'll have 100 credits and be 28 away from graduation.  next semester i am hoping to do my practicum (300 hours of interning worth 10 credits) and taking one class.  meaning this summer, i'll be a mere 15 credits away from graduation.  that's 5 classes.  and she told me about these DSST tests - like challenge tests.  they cost $130 each and can be worth 3 credits each.  she's recommending i see if there are three or four i think i'd like to take and seeing if the registrar will allow it.

then i'll only need one or two classes.  boom.

i think she recommended it after we talked about my RA for a few minutes.  she said i can ask for extra time to complete my current classes - up to 40 days.  i told her that won't be necessary.  i'm barely working now - i can power through this semester.  then next semester will be homework-and-studying light, and then i might cap myself at two classes a semester.  i'll have to check with financial aid to figure out what the best way to do that is.  but that can wait until summer registration.

i keep thinking i shouldn't even bother.  i mean, i'm already over $40k in debt for school.  i basically have my practicum left before i finish my CASAC (for alcohol and substance abuse counseling) and then just the handful of classes to finish my bachelor's degree, so i might as well finish that up.  i guess.  but then going on for my masters?  what's the point?  who knows how much longer i'll be able to work.  and then how will i pay back the loans?  i don't mean like in a year i'll be unable to work.  but what if i'm disabled by the time i'm 50? 45?  i don't know.  everyone tells me i should go for it.  just finish school and go for my masters and do what i've planned on, what i wanted to do.

but why bother?

and then there's the fact that i feel like no one cares.  and i know people do.  i guess they do.  and this is so stupid to write and i sound like such a baby but i want someone to be sad.  i want someone to be sad with me and mourn the life that i'm losing.  i want someone to realize how much it sucks that my life trajectory has to change so much.  i want someone to commiserate with me, to cry with me, to be horrified with me.  i have one girlfriend who gets it - she was sad with me, she wanted to talk about it, she asked me questions.


so apparently i'm just back to crazy.

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