what am i doing?

well, it's been a bit. like, seven months? something like that.

i decided where to go to school: adelphi. i've already completely my first semester and got an A in both of my classes.

i took a great cruise with some family and friends. we went to bermuda and sailed out of manhattan. it was really fun and very nice and my first sober cruise. i went to two AA meetings on board and found i didn't miss drinking as much as i worried i would. i also discovered roulette and am good at it.

i quit my job as a drug and alcohol counselor and took a position as a care coordinator (case manager) working with people diagnosed with severe and persistent mental illness. it's fun and challenging and sometimes i can't believe they pay me what they pay me. it's like $13K a year more than my last job and i feel a lot less stressed by it. very nice.

my dad died on october 29th. it was really sudden. he was 63 and diabetic and had high blood pressure. he was alone in his office, where he slept every night on a couch because he was always working. he died alone in his office, locked in a building in an industrial area. a neighbor climbed a ladder and found an open window to let the emergency workers in. so i planned another funeral for another parent.

i hadn't spoken to my dad in almost a month. i was mad at him because i felt like he only called me when he needed something. it seemed like he never called just to say hi or i love you or something. i called him like that, for no reason, and it frustrated me that he never did. the last interaction i had with him was the morning we left on the cruise, october 4th, 25 days before he died. he said, 'have a safe trip. love to all'.

sometimes i feel like i don't know what i'm doing in life. within five years i lost both of my parents. i'm only 35. but i'm still here. i'm still here and i don't know what i'm doing.