if i had a nickel for every panic attack...

my anxiety has been more or less constant for like a week. i was really excited about last weekend. i had bought tickets to a mets game for friday night, was hoping to see jurassic world over the weekend, and then there was a concert on monday night that i really wanted to see. one of my favorite bands, less than jake, was playing locally with reel big fish - another band i really like. awesome husband @_antgas and i were pretty excited to go. and he went to the mets game with me even though he's a yankees fan.

so last week i started feeling anxious about the concert. i haven't been able to pinpoint it and spent like half of my therapy session this week trying to do so. i just had this huge, overpowering anxiety about going to this concert. my husband was supportive and like, so let's not go. but part of me really wanted to go. i decided to play it by ear and see how i felt over the weekend and maybe i'd buy tickets.

friday at work both of our supervisors were out - one is on extended medical leave and one was going to an eating disorder training. so us counselors were on our own and were working together to run a weekly meeting. then the director of our program and our office manager (really?) come in the meeting room. the director started talking about how we have been doing great BUT (there's always a fucking BUT) we needed to do more. she started talking units of service, groups, how many people we had on our case loads, stuff like that. the director and the office manager started talking about how us counselor could do more intake assessments (mind you, neither the director or office manager have done those) and the office manager tried to tell us how we should schedule intakes. so we were all getting a little frustrated and we all started trying to brainstorm with her. ultimately our director ended up saying that our clinic would close, how long we stayed open depended on how many units of service we did.

happy friday!

i was very frustrated for numerous reasons. one, both of our supervisors were out - it was just us counselors and the director of our program with all of our go-betweens and the people who would stand up for us out of the office. so none of us could like talk back to her or offer anything more than 'okay'. i mean, really. i was (and still am) really pissed off that she chose to dump all of that on us when our supervisors were not in the office to smooth anything over. plus, just after lunch on a friday? great way to start my weekend. one of the other counselors and i debriefed after the meeting and she reminded me to leave it at work and enjoy my weekend.

easier said than done. so my already heightened anxiety was sent even higher, but not quite into overdrive. yet. 

on the way to the mets game, i was trying to tell awesome husband @_antgas about the meeting and all the crap and ugh. and he fell asleep. so i got angry and stopped telling him, i just kept my feelings about it in.

anxiety creeps up a bit more.

the weekend itself was pretty good. i worked hard to leave work at work and just focus on spending time with my husband and puppy, shopping and cleaning and doing laundry. but i was still really anxious about going to the concert. we decided not to go and i felt guilty and angry about it. i love that band, i really would love to see them live again. why can't i go, why can't i be normal and not have ridiculous anxiety that affects most parts of my life?

so monday comes. i go to therapy, try to talk through what i can with my amazing therapist, and go to work. i'm in a good mood. we have supervision on monday, so i know we can tell our supervisor what happened on monday and try to address it. but as soon as i walk into my office, boom - more anxiety. now by the time we're in supervision my anxiety is at like 8 - i'm not having a full-blown panic attack; i can breathe, my heart is not really racing, i'm not sweating. but i'm shaking and anxious and having trouble speaking and am on the verge of crying or actually crying for the entire 2.5 hour meeting. i'm barely able to speak. my supervisor keeps asking me if i want to talk or whatever and i just can't. i'm grinding my teeth and trying not to make eye contact. 

our supervisor tries to smooth it over. she talks about how it will take a lot of time to close a clinic and she's not sure we'll close anyway - we likely will just integrate with another clinic. she talks about what we can do to try and stop it. she encourages us. and since i'm sitting there CRYING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT she and my colleagues all try to make me feel better. one counselor talks about how much of a mentor i've been to her and how much i've helped her; another reminds me that we're always exactly where we need to be and that if we do close, it's because there's something else in store for me. it helps in theory, but my anxiety is just overwhelming.

after the meeting, my supervisor keeps me behind and asks me what i'm feeling (this is the best/worst part about being a counselor - no one thinks you're crazy when you spend an entire meeting crying). i mention anxiety but have a lot of trouble formulating my thoughts. during the meeting she asked me if i wasn't feeling safe; i didn't know what she meant. when we spoke after the incident, she said she was sorry that the office wasn't a safe place for me any longer and she was determined we would reclaim that. so when she asked me about feeling 'safe' that's all i could think about. but when we were alone, she mentioned 'safe AND SECURE' and i immediately started crying. it wasn't the physical or emotional safety - it was the security. i felt secure in my career, with my job, with my colleagues. when i started crying, she got up to hug me and linked my past abuse to my anxiety in relation to security. i cried some more, had a nice long hug, fixed my eye makeup, and finished my day with a quick individual and an easy group that i let the clients lead. i went home early and ate my feelings (not the best option, but it's what i did). 

i am still feeling anxious. i missed the concert and i hate myself for it. i hate that my anxiety controls my life at times. i hate that i can't do 'normal' things. i can't plan for something like that because who knows what the fuck my anxiety is going to do on that day. i hate that i already take medications and have coping skills and they don't always work to ease my anxiety. i hate that all i want to do is eat or sleep and that i think about drinking or drugging when i get really anxious. 

for today, i'm just going to stay sober and stay focused. 

what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

monday update - including new tattoo!

it's kind of amazing how things change.

a few months ago, i wrote this blog about... well, disconnecting from a woman i was very good friends with.  it's a bit strange how it all happened.  my friend is also my tattoo artist and is her tattoo artist as well.  the tattoo artist tagged her in an instagram photo one day and i insta-stalked her feed.

i know, kind of strange.  creepy.  whatever, go fuck yourself.  i did it.  you know you've done something like it.

so i saw... well, i saw a woman who had changed for the better in a lot of ways.  she seemed freer, happier, even more herself than she was when we still hung out regularly.  i still thought about sending her a card.  i ended up following her on instagram, thinking that if she straight out blocked me it was a sign that whatever had happened had irreparably damaged our relationship.  she didn't block me.

one day she posted something on instagram that really made me think.  it said "sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation".  it resonated with me.  i realized that i put expectations on our relationship - i expected her to support me in a way she was unable to at the time.  it was like the situation (at least my part/side of it) became so clear to me.  so i direct messaged her, letting her know that the post made me think, and what it made me think about, and trying to take responsibility for my part in whatever had happened.  she messaged me back, she took responsibility for her part in what happened - and that was important to me.  it validated what others had told me: i hadn't done anything wrong per se.  i hadn't driven her away or done something so bad/wrong/whatever.  it was just we were both in specific places that almost made it impossible for us to be there for each other, for us to be friends at that time.

we ended up meeting for dinner a couple of weeks ago.  it was strange at first: she's in a MUCH different place in her life than she was about 15 months prior when we stopped talking.  but i am, too.  i'm in a much healthier place.  she's in a much healthier place.  we're both more honest with ourselves and with others.  and seriously - it was almost like no time had passed.  it's the same, but it's different - it's a different relationship that is healthier and more balanced for both of us.  and i'm thrilled to have it back.

i've also committed to an amazing thigh tattoo by said tattoo artist.  pam poovey from archer is like my spirit animal.  i love her (i haven't seen season 5 yet, i've been told that might change, but seriously - i don't care.  she's been amazing through 4 seasons).  when my artist was working on awesome husband @_antgas' hand tattoos, i mentioned how pam poovey was my spirit animal and she went nuts - she said she really really wanted to do an archer tattoo.  we worked on some ideas, she drew up an amazing tattoo, and i recently had the outline done on my outer left thigh.

seriously - this tattoo is super bad ass.  follow @misstattootara on instagram.

yeah.  it's pretty awesome.  and in reality, the fact that it's on my thigh is a big deal for me.  i follow a lot of body positive blogs and instagram accounts and twitter and shit like that.  and i've seen photos of SO MANY beautiful big women with awesome thigh tattoos.  i think it's super sexy and makes them look really confident and i started thinking about getting a thigh tattoo about a year ago.  i had settled on a couple of other ideas when my tattoo artist said she wanted to do an archer tattoo.  

pam poovey is kind of another big girl who is awesome.  i mean, if you watch archer, you're probably familiar with some of her exploits and background from the first four seasons.  let's see: she kicked men's asses in underground fights to pay her way through college.  she has an infatuation with lana but still bangs archer for a while.  she says what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about what people think about it.  she's a little crass and really bold and super confident.  yet she's a damn HR rep... sure, she's not always great at her job, but still.  pam poovey is really my spirit animal; a lot of her character is who i want to be or who i already am.  i'm a fat girl who metaphorically kicks ass, i'm bisexual, and (outside of work) i say what i mean and refuse to sugar coat it.  

whatever - i identify with pam poovey.  and i love my tattoo, and i can't wait to have it colored in.

my tattoo artist is on instagram - @misstattootara.  seriously, she does amazing work.  if you're on long island and in need of a tattoo, DM her.  and, hey, i'm on instagram and twitter @stephgas.  

i'm also working on a lot of crap with my therapist.  i've started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, am addressing some of my disordered eating behaviors (unhappily but whatever), and working out.  i'm not watching what i eat or working out to lose weight - i'm doing it to feel good.  that seems to make it more enjoyable because i'm not obsessing over every calorie eaten and burned.  i'm weight lifting with awesome husband @_antgas and a couple of his coworkers.  my brother and sisterfromanothermister occasionally join in as well.  awesome husband @_antgas is all about going hard and 'gains'.  the phrase 'gains, bro' is uttered numerous times, often in jest but not really 100% joking.  i hit a new PR (personal record) on saturday with a 910lb straight leg press.  yesterday my PR was 115lb chest fly thingy.  i don't know the names of everything, i just wander around behind awesome husband @_antgas and wait for him to tell me what to do.  honestly, that makes it fun and easy and i really like working out.  it just makes me feel good.  

so, new ink, new meds, new weight training - a lot of things going on but it's all good... it's all healthy.

sick end to a good weekend

i called into work for the first time since i was hired in april today and i'm trying not to beat myself up over it.  self-care is very important, it's imperative, and i have to remember that.

i also called out of therapy which is kind of stupid because i can always use therapy but i'm just so nauseous.  i was up a few times overnight feeling like i had to vomit and i never did.  like right now i'm kind of hungry but the nausea keeps coming and going so i'm like terrified to eat.

had a great weekend with awesome husband @_antgas.  we went to new york city on saturday to see a broadway show - our first together, his first ever (i've only seen one other - les mis - like decades ago).  we drove to my dad's office in queens and left the car there, then took a subway to manhattan and walked up into the middle of times square.  was pretty cool - i'm not sure i've ever done that before (not that i remember, so i may have done it and been stoned or something).  we walked a few blocks to the theatre and it was such a good show.  @_antgas wanted to see this show, he kept mentioning it when we'd see commercials, so i got him tickets for the holidays.  we then went back to queens and had dinner at one of our favorite queens diners with my dad.  yum.

it was pretty easy so we're thinking about going back to the city on a sort of regular basis.  i used to bitch all the time that i hated going into the city because it was expensive and annoying and ugh.  but it was fun.  and i found out about this place that you can go in the morning and get heavily discounted tickets to broadway shows.  you kind of have to take what they have available, but it might be fun to just go see other shows. 

i used to put photos on my blog but it's kind of a pain in the ass with all the watermarking and uploading and ugh.  plus i post on instagram all the time.  so if you want to know what's going on in my life without all the wordy bullshit, follow me on instagram at - you guessed it - @stephgas.  it's mostly me and cats and body positive crap so, you know.  it's fun.

yeah.... no.

that holistic vet that we went to?  rip off.

that $300 nutrition consultation?  the special, customized diet designed specifically for piglet?

it was ONE RECIPE that was made with a premix called balanceIT.  literally.  it was lamb, sweet potato, fish oil, and balanceIT powder.

$300.

ONE RECIPE.

PREMADE MIX.

it was like i paid $300 for a fucking advertisement.

so we didn't do that.  we made a different raw recipe.  i bought all my own supplements - fish oil, taurine, vitamins, all that crap.  i ground up raw chicken thighs, chicken livers, and small chicken hearts.  which was slightly devastating to me.

and the cats like it.  it's nutritionally balanced, it isn't made with a premix, and it didn't cost $300.

i took piglet for her 4th acupuncture appointment today.  it's $62 a session instead of $172.  and it's less than 10 minutes away with traffic, not 40 minutes away.  i'm hoping to get piglet's blood drawn by another vet within the next week or so to see where we're at.  i've decided that i'm basically going to suck it up and just go to a local vet that's not an idiot and refuse to discuss nutrition.

now, the smell of the raw food is making me sick.  literally.  and i'm very nervous about raw chicken and my stupid immune system.  awesome husband @_antgas and i are considering cooking the food next time.  at least it will still be home cooked and i will have control over what's in it.

in other non-cat news, next week is my last week of interning.  i'll be a full fledged alcohol and substance abuse counselor come june 2nd.  i'm super excited.  i've been decorating my office and buying twelve step books and all types of awesome shit.  very exciting.

i've been very tired recently, not sure if it's my RA or if i'm just beating myself up too much.  or working too hard.  or something.  ugh.

at least my cats are healthy.

update on awesome husband & piglet...

awesome husband @_antgas is no longer sick.  he's all better.  and back to work.  thank goodness.

but now he's got some pinched nerve or something or other.  he wakes up every night in pain now, around his neck and shoulders.  ugh.

now, me on the other hand.  i spent five days fighting with aetna insurance again trying to get my damn humira.  i got it.  damn it.  damn it.

and then my rheumy is leaving.  moving to texas.  so i have to find a new rheumy.  and start over with that relationship.  damn it.  DAMN IT.

i took my humira on saturday.  then sunday, monday, and tuesday nights i had so much trouble sleeping!  i don't remember this happening the first two times i took humira.  but i've been having really shattered sleep, like i keep waking up.  i go to bed at 9pm and sleep until 7am (i stayed up until 10pm last night, barely).  and then i have really vivid, really ridiculous dreams.  mostly drug dreams and sex dreams.  and the most annoying part is that i wake up and think about how stupid crazy the dream is, then roll over to go back to sleep... AND THE DREAM CONTINUES.

ridiculous.

piglet did well at her holistic vet appointment.  he handed me a $1200 estimate, including over $600 for X-rays... fucking X-rays.  i paid $300 for a nutritional consult - i filled out some paperwork about what i've fed piglet, what kind of things i want to do (feed raw, home cooked, etc) - and that paperwork goes to a veterinary nutritionist who reviews piglet's most recent vet records and designs a specialized diet for her.  i'm excited about it and hopeful that i can modify some of it to feed samantha and jake that food too.  holistic vet also wants us to give piglet chinese herbs to support renal function and acupuncture.

we believe in acupuncture.  but this holistic vet wanted to charge $95 for acupuncture AND the $77 office visit fee... and it's 35 minutes away and piglet hates the car.  so i did some calling and found a very local veterinary emergency clinic that has an acupuncturist on site that charges around $50 - the only thing i have to do is pay $150 for a one-time consult.  i'll live with that.  piglet will have acupuncture once a week for at least a few months.

and then holistic vet will take blood again and we'll see what piglet's kidneys are doing.  but she seems to be feeling well - piglet eats and drinks and runs and plays and stomps on me with her pretty pointy feet.

love it.

good gravy

so awesome husband @_antgas has been sick.  he wouldn't come home early from work yesterday, but took some cold & sinus crap and felt 'better'.  he came home and snuggled down on the couch.  i made french onion soup and grilled roast beef & cheese sandwiches.  we ate, we watched cartoons, @_antgas napped, we went to bed.  he's had a fever - fluctuating between 99º and 102º for at least 30 hours at this point (he felt very feverish while at work).

awesome husband @_antgas stayed home from work today, stretched out on the couch with cats watching wwe network.  he said he felt a bit better after eating some advil.  i made pasta with butter and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese for dinner, figuring it was nice and simple for him (@_antgas ate during the day without issues, but wasn't hungry for anything).

he took two, maybe three bites, and vomited A LOT in the bathroom.  thankfully he made it to the bathroom.

it was surprising, considering he's had this fever for more than a day and ate normally yesterday.  today he had english muffins and berries and a banana and brownie/cookie bars and had no problems.  pasta with butter and BOOM vomit city.

excellent.

if awesome husband @_antgas gets me sick, i'm going to kick him in the nuts.

piglet's going to a new, holistic vet on saturday.  she needs blood work and i want to talk about putting her back on a raw diet.  perhaps homemade raw this time, where i'd cut or grind raw meat here at home, then add a powder supplement that adds all the necessary vitamins (like taurine).  this vet is western trained, so he practices what most people consider 'normal' veterinary medicine alongside holistic stuff like natural supplements and acupuncture.  here's hoping piglet does well on the drive over and with the new vet!

my first week of being a paid counselor!

it was good.  i had four days as a paid counselor and one day as an intern.  i supervised about 8 urine tests (awesome, right?) and lead a few groups.  i did some more decorating in my office.  i have two posi vinyl clings on my walls and moved around my desk and rehabbed that $15 craigslist bookcase for my office.  it came out pretty good and i plan on doing a separate post about that.  with photos.  of course.

awesome husband @_antgas had to travel for work this past week, so it feels like i haven't seen him since last weekend.  he came home on thursday night, we worked on friday, and now today we're thinking of doing some shopping.  it's supposed to be a rainy, icky day for much of the day so we thought being in the mall would be okay.  and maybe we'll spend some time at home just relaxing.  ultimately i have to clean the apartment and do laundry, too, but i have tomorrow as well.

that farm we like to go to is having what they call chick-a-palooza this weekend.  lots of chickens and some vendors and bee keeping talks and stuff like that.  we went last year and are planning on going tomorrow for a couple of hours.

of course, nothing goes as smoothly as we want it to.  up the chain somewhere at work, someone is convinced that i can't do work that we bill medicaid for.  i work for a non-profit where the majority of clients are on medicaid.  like, probably 90% of clients are on medicaid.  so i don't know why someone gave the okay to hire me if i can't do anything billable.  i keep going on all the state websites to find proof from the state that i can do billable work and submitting it to people who should care and they keep not caring.  they're paying me to be an intern at this point.  it's pretty hysterical.

but my supervisor decided to give me two clients yesterday during case conference.  she said that if they still get bitchy about me doing billable work, she'll take them.  but what will probably really happen is that i'll be their 'counselor' and she'll pop in at the end of the sessions so we can bill.  it's just, ugh.  nothing can be easy.

i almost had a breakdown last tuesday because i called my therapist so that i could switch my appointment time from fridays at 10am, since i'll be working, and i was told he had no other availability.  it really threw me because it's hard to find a therapist that i don't hate.  and we've already started working together well; it's been a couple of months.  thankfully one of the other office assistants called me and asked for my availability, juggled some other clients around, and got me tuesdays at 3pm.  i was ridiculously happy.  like you have no idea.  and it's been two weeks since i've seen my therapist and i'm like ugh.  i can't wait until tuesday.

insert witty blog title here

i want to write, but i'm not coming up with anything good to title this random blog of crap.  so tough titties.  apparently i'm not going to be witty today.

piglet seems to be doing better.  she's active, and eating, and stepping on me with her pointy feet, and following me around relentlessly until i tell her to stay put and leave me alone.  so, back to normal.  i'm going pet food shopping today to switch up their food again.  i love love love the grain-free ingredient list of what i'm currently feeding, but the calorie count is really low.  i think i can find something close to as good with minimal grains and more calories.  and she's ready to go back on kibble starting today - which is excellent.  because we've been feeding her nighttime snack wet food on our bedroom floor.  and i don't know if it's a cat-eating-on-carpet thing or a new piglet-has-no-canines thing but she's a messy wet food eater now.  very messy.  i'm hoping to put all three cats on wet food breakfast and midday feeding, then kibbles for nighttime snack before bed.

i'm sad that i haven't been cross stitching recently but i've been doing other things.  i've picked up a few books about recovery and psychology and shit, so i've been reading.  one is about healing your inner child.  it's already very powerful and i think it will be useful, not just for me but in my counseling.  i also got a cute little book of daily affirmation things for recovery.  i'll use that in groups i think.  and i finished my positivity jar the other day!

positivity jar for work.  full of POSITIVITY!

i first collected five pages of positive affirmations.  some are for recovery, some are for self-worth and self-love, all are positive and applicable to anyone.  then i formatted them to be roughly the same size, like a largish return address label.  then i cut pretty scrapbook paper to 8.5x12" and reset the margins, then printed the affirmations one page at a time.  i used that cutting pad and a rotary cutter to cut each affirmation, folded each in half, and tossed them in the jar.  i used one of the scrapbook papers to cover the top part of the mason jar so it's pretty.  i'm considering seeing if any of my crafty friends have a cricut and could be commissioned into making a nice vinyl cling to put on the jar.  i plan on keeping this on my desk and when someone is having a particularly shitty day, they can get some positivity.  another idea is to bring it into group and pass it around, having everyone choose one and discuss it.  

i also bought another mason jar that i'm going to paint black on the inside (maybe with some glitter, who knows?) for negative thoughts.  i found a notepad with neon colored pages about 3"x5" that i'm going to have people write negative crap on, fold it up, and put it in that jar.  when i was in high school, we had a woman who ran the bookstore that we called 'mom'.  she was amazing and empathetic and loving and caring.  she truly cared about each of us, everyone in that school.  some of us gravitated toward her and spent a lot of time with her.  one day mom emptied out the bottom drawer of her desk and started having us write stupid shit that we needed to let go on her cube pad of neon paper.  we'd even draw little pictures sometimes.  then we'd fold it up and dump it in that drawer.  once it was in that drawer, that was it - we had to leave it there and let it go.  we went through that drawer when we were graduating high school, and it was ridiculous the types of shit we were going to hold on to.  i'm hoping to recreate that with this jar.  in recovery, we talk about recognizing what we can and cannot control, and letting go of what we can't control.  this is a tangible exercise in that.  i think.  

awesome husband @_antgas and i went to a local organic farm last weekend to meet baby animals.  i was kind of bummed that there were only a few baby animals - chicks and a lamb - but there were also alpaca.  which were neat.  but distracted.

@_antgas and the alpaca.  who was watching other things.

i pet a lamb! it was completely unconcerned with us and had a one track mind for nibbling.

then we stopped at another farm famous for it's pies.  @_antgas got a peach pie and we got some cookies.  i don't like peach pie, but he enjoyed it.  (not all of it, we shared with his parents and grandma.)

and then a couple of weeks ago i broke down and cooked meat.  i mentioned 'pot roast' once to awesome husband @_antgas and he couldn't get it out of his mind apparently.  i bought a huge pot roast, enough for dinner and lunch for him for the entire week.  i made it and it was fucking delicious and i felt horrible touching and cooking meat.  but it was worth it.  i'm still sticking to my roughly 90% vegetarian lifestyle (i don't like labels and i like freedom to eat whatever the fuck i want) but i haven't had my mom's pot roast in a very, very long time.  the gravy wasn't as thick as i'd have liked, but it's been years since i've tried to make gravy so i was pretty pleased with it all around.

um, yum.

and then i picked up a bookcase from craigslist.  it was $15 and it's not real wood but it was $15.  i'm going to prime it and paint it and use it in my office.  i'm thinking of trying to take the back off and wrap it in fabric or line it with scrapbook paper.  or i might paint the insides one color and the outside another.  or something else i find on pinterest that ruins life for me.

so, life has been good.  i'm going to be a paid counselor as of monday.  the cats are doing well.  i'm feeing okay emotionally.  still in a lot of pain rheumatoid disease wise.  the humira doesn't seem to be helping at all.  yet.  it's only been about 3 weeks, so we'll see.  hopefully it starts to work.  and hopefully it works well and i won't have a lot of pain and i'll be comfortable again.

diy post! prettify your stupid old knife block!

it's that time again!  another DIY post.  awesome husband @_antgas and i got married about nine and a half years ago.  ten years ago this spring/summer, we were getting our bridal shower gifts.  i registered for my first set of knives, and they've served me pretty well.  a set of calphalon knives with a useless sharpener and one of those big forks you only use when carving meat.  which i never do any more.  but still.  

it's definitely seen better days.  it has little chips and marks where i stabbed it unceremoniously trying to place a knife back in it's little home slot.  it's been exposed to water and oil and yuck.  while perusing the interwebz looking for ideas for a craft party i'm hosting (yup, that's happening too) i came across painted or refinished or decorated knife blocks.  DING! went the bell in my head.  i can do that and make it SO BRIGHT to fit in my ridiculously colored kitchen.  i made a list of crap i needed and had awesome husband @_antgas on hand for elbow grease (well, hand grease because my hands aren't doing so well) and off i went....

so first i had @_antgas remove this little metal plate thingy on the front of the knife block.  we realized we'd need wood filler for the screw hole thingies, along with sand paper, spray paint, and clear polyurethane.  so off to the craft stores we went... (now i know that i can get the paints cheaper at the home depot or lowes.  which i'll do if i ever spray paint craft again.  which i probably will because it was fun and easy).

you will need:

1. your old knife block.  or someone's old knife block, preferably with their permission.  or thrift one.  
2. wood filler if you have teensy holes to fill in.  some people online used spackle too, but i wanted to get wood filler because we have another potential project in mind that will require wood filler.
3. whatever color spray paint you're interested in using.  i like krylon - we've used it before and have always had good results with it.
4. clear polyurethane to help seal it and protect it from water and other damage.
5. sandpaper - we got a packet at the craft store that had three grades.  i threw out the packet, but i think it hat 60, 100, and 150 from roughest to finest.

so this is what my newly cleaned and naked knife block looked like after awesome husband @_antgas removed the calphalon plate on the front.  i wiped it down with a mild solution of water and vinegar to remove all the grease and dirt and whatnot.  

i smushed a bunch of wood filler in the holes and smoothed it as best as i could.  wait until it's safe to sand and paint - the info for that should be on the packaging of whatever wood filler you choose.

sand the entire thing down, starting with the roughest sandpaper.  the 60 grade was perfect for getting off whatever old sealer stuff was on there and helped smooth out the area where the metal plate was.  because my hands and fingers were not cooperating this day, i had @_antgas help sand it all down.  we sanded all the areas we planned to paint and paid special attention to the rounded edges.  i wiped it down with a damp rag between each grade of sand paper to get rid of all the dust.

all sanded down and ready to go!  run your hands over all of it to make sure there aren't any rough spots, hard edges, whatever.  it should be nice and smooth.  be sure it's free of dust before you paint.

at this point you can prime.  if you have a darker wood or are painting with a light color, priming would be a good idea.  you can buy a spray primer or use a canned primer.  if you use a canned one, i'd apply it with a sponge brush.  after priming you may want to sand it a little more to make sure the brush strokes are not obvious.

set your shit up outside.  spray paint smells A LOT and can be super bad for your lungs.  if you have a well-ventilated garage, feel free to paint in there.  we set up some old magazine stuff on the patio and spray painted out there. i may or may not have gotten a bit of orange on the patio.  i'm sure it will come off..... eventually.

a few things about spray paint:  don't do it when it's too cold or too hot.  don't do it when it's super humid.  this can cause the paint to run or not dry/cure properly.  hold the can 6-8 inches from the item and use short, sweeping motions.  all of this crap is listed right on the back of your can, so, you know.  read it.  i didn't worry too much about spraying IN the slots or holes; you won't see that.  and we didn't paint the bottom for the same (obvious) reason.

read your polyurethane too and make sure the paint is dry enough to seal.  do the same thing - outside, well-ventilated, sweeping motions, etc.

i let mine sit for two days before putting anything back in it to make sure it was cured enough that the knife handles sitting on the wood face wouldn't damage or nick or imprint or anything.

then just this morning, i put all my sharp things back in my knife block and put it back in its home on the counter.  and i love it!  it's so bright and looks great.  the color is krylon bauhaus gold.  it's orange yellow, not too orange but not straight yellow.

i love having bright colors.  i have a yellow mini keurig, poppy red paper towel holder, a red kitchen aid stand mixer, and now this.  i'm already planning on replacing my old and worn toaster oven with something spectacular.

some of the other tutorials i saw online had people putting little decorations or monograms or designs on the knife block.  i couldn't really find a stencil i liked and i didn't want to put something 3d on it.  i figure if i come across something i would like to stencil on, i can do it whenever and just put another coat of polyurethane on it.

if you have done this or do it, share!  let us know how it came out and if you have any other tips or tricks on upcycling stuff from the kitchen.

ahh, wednesday.

i'm finally not really that sick any longer.  it's been two weeks since i started feeling ill and i'm still a little snotty and coughing a bit.  i can't fucking wait until it's all cleared up.  it better be soon.  ugh.

my birthday was last week.  and i was sick.  so, you know.  awesome husband @_antgas and i went to benihana (if you have a local location, join their chef's club and you'll get a $30 certificate for your birthday!) and ate A LOT.  then on my birthday we went over our friends' house and had nathan's for dinner.  it was very nice and nostalgic: when we were younger, my mom would pick up nathan's hot dogs and french fries for a special dinner on our birthdays.  she'd also get this lemony cake for dessert.  i don't know how many years we did it, but i remember it being a thing.  the next night we had greek food and ice cream with my bestie for forever.

my dad's birthday is the week before mine, so we've often done joint birthday things.  on sunday, we went to our favorite steak house with dad, my brother, his fiancee sisterfromanothermister, and my twin half sisters.  it was lots of food and lots of fun.  i had a meat-ful weekend.

so much meat.  so much.

i'm not eating meat until saturday again.  @_antgas' mom is having st. patrick's day.  we didn't do anything for st. paddy's day because i won't cook meat and we don't drink... so, kind of pointless.  but for saturday i'm planning on making scratch irish soda bread - one without raisins because i hate raisins - and i might make my family's cole slaw.

i've been off my meds forever, it feels like.  my joints are screaming.  and the fatigue is coming back. it's like just existing in this much pain causes fatigue.  i'm kind of over it.

i'm getting some tattoo work done on thursday, not too much but a bit.  my rheumy said i should stop taking my meds for a week before and a week after if i want to get tattooed.  i've been off for over two weeks, almost three.  but then i have to wait for another week before i can start humira.  which is the next biologic drug we're trying.  enbrel didn't do shit.  i only hope humira does something.

piglet seems to be.... well, piglet.  her tooth is definitely getting worse, but she's still drinking and eating and peeing and pooping.  of course, every cat vomited everywhere last night.  damn it.  we'll bring piglet back in about two weeks to have another round of blood work and see if anything's changed.  i guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it....

fuck this motherfucking snow

seriously.  awesome husband @_antgas and i are home for another snow day.  i'm supposed to intern today and the place is closed.  i'm losing intern hours every time this happens.  i mean, i'll make them up.

but i was kind of excited to go in today.  they're revamping the chemical dependency program where i'm interning to make it more of a day program.  instead of people coming in for an hour and a half group three or four times a week and an individual once a week, they're offering unbillable (free) groups to keep people there all day.  they're structuring the billable (required for treatment) groups and times for individual sessions so that there is some free time in between.  so you show up for group at 9:30am, and your next group isn't until 12:30.  you get out at 10:45... what will you do until then?  most of the people are driven by OUR van, so they have to wait.... why not have free groups that they can attend?

i'll be doing one orientation group a week - going over rules, the stuff they signed, basics of why they shouldn't use tobacco or energy drinks, etc.  and i was offered the choice between a general substance abuse group or opioid group - i chose the opioid.  i think that will be very interested, focusing on opioids.  the heroin and opiate problem on long island is seriously an epidemic.  i'd talk about different opiates at each group maybe, show what they do to your brain, work on education.  since it's not 'billable', i can't make it too treatment-y - it can't really be like full-on counseling.  i'm sure some coping skill stuff will come up, we'll work on relapse cues and prevention, but it won't be primarily a therapeutic group.

i've also picked up cross stitching recently.  i've purchased a couple of patters from subversive cross stitch and a couple of etsy stores.  because they're not my designs, i can't sell them.  so i'm guessing i'll give them to friends - and maybe give away a few here....

it's funny, you'd think (i thought) that cross stitching would be horrible for my hands since they're so swollen and achey.  it's not painful at all, and i don't think it's hurting anything.  my pain levels haven't changed... maybe my hands have gotten a little looser (they're not any stronger, but they feel a little easier to move).

so today will be another day wasted at home.  awesome husband @_antgas will play video games most of the day, i'll tool around online and cross stitch most of the day.  i bought potatoes yesterday for dinner tonight - i'm thinking big, yummy baked potatoes (his is a white potato and i bought sour cream; mine is a sweet potato and i'll cover it in butter and brown sugar) and soup.  maybe i'll whip up a batch of my delicious pretzels and we can watch a disney movie.  we're (i'm) planning our anniversary trip to disney and have had a hankering to watch 'beauty and the beast' for a few days now.  or maybe 'sleeping beauty'.  we'll see.

are you somewhere it keeps fucking snowing?  are you going stir crazy?  are you ready to punch the next weatherperson who uses the phrase 'polar vortex'?  and are you mad at whoever decided to start naming winter storms?  (this one is pax.  PAX i tell you.  i hate that fucking name.)

just keep swimming.

last friday i went to this new psychologist.  i like him enough so far.  he can't give me medications, which is annoying because then i have to find another doctor for medication management if that's what i want.  maybe just talking it out with someone will help alleviate some of the issues, then my current medication will be enough again.

after two weeks of working more than i have in the past six months, this week is slow.  it's been nice to have more me time again, just begging out an doing nothing.  i think i do a little too much 'nothing', but whatever.  i'm sitting on my couch, watching the news, typing, and i'm in pain.  so what if i nap and space out a couple of hours a day?

i'm planning our anniversary trip to disney world.  this october will be our tenth wedding anniversary and we're going to disney.  i'm excited - i think we're going to stay at the contemporary if it's not an arm AND a leg.  my parents stayed there on their honeymoon (we stayed at the animal kingdom lodge with a savanna view room.  it was awesome.) and it's on the monorail line right next to magic kingdom.  we've already started looking at different places we want to eat.  you can start booking dining reservation 180 days before your check in - which is this april, so i have a couple of months to decide exactly what we want to do and where.  i also have nine months to start saving money to spend because we're going to need it.  luckily, i can buy disney and universal tickets through AAA at a bit of a discount.  i can buy them ahead of time so i don't have to worry about that when we get there.  i'm really really really excited about it.

even though i'll probably need a wheelchair or electric scooter.  even if my pain levels are lower or gone, the fatigue will be devastating.  if we want to get anything done, i'll need a chair.  and i always hate that.  when you're fat in a chair at disney, people give you looks that clearly say 'look at that fat, lazy bitch who doesn't want to walk the parks'.  it's annoying.  and it makes me sad.  i've used a chair before because i injured my foot in a car accident a few years ago and i have degenerative arthritis.  doing more than one day in the parks was not possible on that foot; when people came to visit, i'd get a chair so we didn't have to baby my foot.  and i hated getting those looks.  but i used to be able to go to universal for a day or disney for a day and not have a chair.

now, we spend an hour at the mall and my ankles feel like they might explode.  not to mention all the teensy joints in my feet, my hips, and my back.  an hour in the mall is really bad.  how am i supposed to spend seven days traveling, going to disney, going to universal without a chair?

i don't know.  it's just one other thing to think about/worry about/whatever.

i'm just trying to stay focused and calm and keep l-i-v-i-n.

delicious pretzel time recipe!

we had a visit from hercules here on long island.  i still want to know who the hell decided we had to name winter storms? 

it snowed thursday night into friday morning.  awesome husband's job wanted him to come in, but for like five hours.  and it would have taken him two to get there and back.  and he already made his money for the week.  so he stayed home.

he was home A LOT this week.  he was off last weekend.  he worked monday.  he was off tuesday because he made the most hours for the company last week so he won a contest for a paid day off.  he was off wednesday for new year's day.  he worked thursday.  he didn't go in yesterday because of the storm.  and he's off today and tomorrow.  

huh.

which mean i have to entertain him.  well, not so much 'entertain' him, but he hates sitting around watching television and doing nothing (i.e.: what i do all the time when i'm not working or interning).    we ended up playing some video games together and baking.  it was a good day to bake.  what did we make?

AWWW HELL YEAH!

yup.  awesome husband @_antgas and i made pretzel bites.  they were fucking delicious.  we ate all of them.  ALL OF THEM.  i then ate a small salad for dinner because pretzels are not calorie-free, regardless of what i'd like to think.  even if they're not freshly made soft pretzels, i really love pretzels.  they are definitely my go-to snack.

my traditional american family holiday (christmas) gift from my dad made this all possible.  revdadbob came through with a 6 quart kitchen aid stand mixer.  i've been wanting to bake more but my hands hurt too much.  even mixing chocolate chips in cookie mix is very hard for me.  now?  not so much.

thanks, dad!

so we broke that shit out and got to baking.  

delicious fucking pretzel bites*

*you can rename this recipe if necessary.

ingredients:

• 1 1/8 cups of water, heated to appropriate temperature
• 1 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast
• 3 cups all purpose flour
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• 2 quarts water to boil
• 1/4 cup baking soda
• some butter and coarse salt 

be sure to check your yeast for the best temperature to bloom.  baking with yeast can seem daunting but it's not that hard if you follow the directions.  i followed some instructions i found online stating the water should be between 70º and 80º, but my yeast wasn't blooming.  i read the packet and it had a different temperature.  so my yeast took a long time to bloom, and it didn't get as frothy as i would have liked.  the taste was still good.  so, you know.  your mileage may vary.

1.  get your water and get it to the right temperature.  if you're using a metal bowl like me, prewarm it by running hot water in it so the bowl isn't so cold.  if it's cold, it lowers the temperature of the water.  yeast are super particular about crap like that.  i used filtered tap water and a digital food thermometer to get to 78º (which was too freaking cool but whatever.  don't make the same mistakes i do).  

2.  add in the brown sugar.  yeast likes to eat sugar.  this should help the proofing and it also makes the pretzels yummy yummy yummy.

me adding active dry yeast to my warm water

3.  after adding in your active dry yeast, mix it up until you can't really see the yeast granules any longer.  don't use a high speed - just mix.  i think i used like 1 or 2.  i didn't want to hurt the yeast.  i also covered it with a dish cloth and left it for a bit.  your yeast should start to bloom in about 5 minutes.  i like to watch it bloom because i'm a damn nerd.

take this time to marvel at the idea of yeast.  you purchased this little packet or jar in the dairy section and it was just a packet or jar.  you've added it to sugar and warm water and it's coming ALIVE.  yeast is ALIVE.  it is in there EATING THE SUGAR and being awesome.  life.  LIFE, MAN.

4.  i forgot to take some photos.  but after your yeast is all bloomy, dump in the 3 cups of flour.  i used whole wheat organic all purpose flour by king arthur.  they aren't paying me or anything, but i wouldn't mind being paid in flour or other awesome products :D  i have used it for pretzels, dredging, cookies - and we love it.

5.  if you are using a stand mixer, you do not want to mix it faster/higher than 2 with the dough hook.  four minutes should be perfect.  if you're doing this shit by hand, knead for about 8 minutes.

6.  oil a bowl and put the dough ball in it, turning to coat.  cover with a towel and put it somewhere to rise.  i put it in my cold oven - THE OVEN WAS OFF DON'T TURN IT ON.  you can put it anywhere cool and dry and dark.  leave it alone for an hour.

7.  after an hour, separate the dough ball into eight equal pieces.  roll each piece out to about a 20" rope.  you can then either twist it into a pretzel shape or cut it up like i did.

my dough rope may not have been 20 inches.  tough shit.

8.  while you are doing this, do something else i didn't take photos of - boil your water.  you want to boil the 2 quarts of water and stir in 1/4 cup of baking soda.  make sure it's mixed in, and try to use about 2 quarts of water.  too much more and the baking soda won't be able to do it's job.  too little water and you may taste the baking soda.  i don't know what job the baking soda does, i'm sorry.  but let it do it's job.

9.  once you have your pretzels/pretzel bites/pretzel rolls set and your water is boiling, you want to boil each pretzel thing for about 10-15 seconds.  use a slotted spoon to remove them and put them on a plate with paper towels to drain.

10.  grease your cookie sheets.  i used butter; you can use something else but i decided i wanted to make sure we had a nice buttery tasting soft pretzel bite.  

11.  put all your naked, boiled pretzel things on your cookie sheets; sprinkle your coarse salt on top at this time.

12.  put your cookie sheets full of naked pretzel things into a 425º oven.  my bites took about 10-11 minutes; i would recommend watching closely after 8 minutes.  ALSO do not put your sheets on the bottom rack - i have read reviews that this can overcook the bottoms of your pretzels.

salted pretzel bites and a couple of small pretzel rolls in the oven.  yum.

13.  like i said, keep an eye on them after about 8 minutes.  most of mine were a light to medium golden on top, and when i touched them they were soft with a defined 'crust', kind of like a bagel maybe?  it's hard to describe.  poke them.  feel them.  love them.

14.  melt a bit of butter (i melted maybe a tablespoon for all of these pretzel bites).  as soon as your pretzels are out of the oven, brush that melted butter over the tops.  

15.  eat the absolute crap out of those pretzels.

this is a plate full of pretzel bites.  they were delicious.

yum.  YUM.

i did not do anything other than salt and butter.  but i was thinking that you could try so many other things.  like skip the salt, brush with butter after baking, and dust with cinnamon sugar; use garlic salt before baking; make small rolls and stuff them with something.  you could even add stuff to the dough i bet - like chopped jalapenos, and then dip in cheese?  maybe?  i read something like that online.

and i think that's the best part about this recipe - it's a great base to try other things.  wrap the dough around hot dogs or veggie dogs.  make sandwich or burger sized rolls.  do whatever your crazy, pretzel loving heart desires.

and tell me if you liked them.  or share your pretzel ideas.  remember, i'm on pinterest, i'm on tumblr, and you can find me on twitter - @stephgas.  my goal is to have people i don't know share my recipes on pinterest, so please feel free to pin and link back to my blog.

cellulitis

it sounds a lot more glamorous... well, not really.  it sounds kind of gross.

but it's what i have apparently.

so remember the last time we spoke? i mentioned my new tattoo.  i'm now twelve days post-tattoo. the swelling has gone down dramatically - it's really not too swollen most of the time.  if i haven't elevated it for a bit, or do too much walking (like on saturday), the swelling is really concentrated around my ankle and a  bit around the tattoo itself.

yesterday....

ugh.  yesterday.

i kept my foot up just about all day and then went to an appointment at school.  putting my foot down was still painful - still a bit of that searing, burning pain as the blood drained back into my calf and foot.  but then the pain like actually behind the tattoo was still there.  over the past week, it was hard to get started walking, but once i started it was pretty painless.

not yesterday.

so when i got home i had a complete nervy b and lost my rag.  i was crying and having bad thoughts and considering a drive to the hospital.  it's not like i'm going to kill myself over a painful tattoo.  but if you're crazy like me and know depression lies, sometimes the lies come out of nowhere and ruin everything.

luckily i have an awesome husband and he helped me stay calm(ish).  i woke up early this morning to go to work and omfg my leg.  my ankle was ridiculous.  my calf, the area behind the tattoo, was killing me.  like really painful, even if i didn't have weight on it.  i thought it would work itself out, so i got ready for work and hobbled to the car.

i made it about 30 minutes down the highway and realized something was not right.  pressing on the accelerator was hurting my ankle.  my calf still hurt.  the pain was pretty bad.  like, bad enough that i was fighting tears.  i decided i had to turn around and do something.  i didn't want to go to the emergency room alone, so i thought i'd try a local urgent care center that just opened.

it wasn't open yet.  it opened at 8am.  it was 7:01.  so i drove home.  and spent probably the longest 50 minutes of my life waiting.

i did not elevate my leg because i didn't want it to feel better and then have to put it down and OMFG SEARING PAIN.  but leaving it down hurt.  that didn't happen yesterday - once it was down and the blood returned to the area, it didn't really hurt at all.  so i was very uncomfortable.  i hobbled back to the car and drove to the urgent care and filled out their paperwork and saw the nurse.  she said, oh, looks like cellulitis.  i was like, what's that?  super nasty swelling?  she was like, basically.  the doctor will be right in.

the doctor came in - he was very nice.  i told him that the actual healing of the tattoo seemed normalish for me - a bit slower than usual.  but the redness and scabbing seemed pretty normal compared to what happened last time.  he poked a bit at the area and started manipulating my ankle.  he said what i was saying almost sounded like a sprain - there shouldn't be that kind of pain, especially this long after the tattoo and considering how much the swelling has already gone down.  he felt the swelling and listened to what i said and considered my RA and the meds i'm on.  he decided it sounds like cellulitis.

so according to webMD and my sister-from-another-mister's mom (who works for her dad who is an amazeballs surgeon), cellulitis is a skin and sub-cutaneous tissue infection.  from the bit of dr. googling i've done since coming home, it seems that my RA medications lowered my immune system more than i expected.  i've never got an infection following a tattoo (it's not very common if you take care of your new tattoo) so what follows is all conjecture.

the swelling was more than normal, but it was a big tattoo and caused a lot of trauma.  i followed my normal after care routine but i think my suppressed immune system meant the tattoo wasn't healing as fast as it usually would, leaving more opportunity for bacteria to infiltrate.  once that happened, my suppressed immune system was not only unable to keep healing my tattoo well, but it couldn't fight off the bacteria as expected.

now i have an infection.  i think it is definitely sub-cutaneous now that i've read some symptoms and what not.  the pain i'm having in the area like behind my tattoo and towards the ankle sounds like it's more than just a skin infection.  and the absolute fuckton of antibiotics the doctor put me on makes me feel like it's way more than just a skin infection.  apparently, cellulitis can become bad enough that one needs to be hospitalized for intravenous antibiotics.

so, does this count as my first RA-related secondary illness?

the urgent care doc said that if it gets any worse OR does not get any better over the next couple of days, i should go to to emergency room.  so if it doesn't get better, i'll be spending black friday in the emergency room.

happy thanksgiving.

a continuing whirlwind of slowness and crap

i know, it's a stupid title.  i can't always be witty and awesome.

well, i can.  and i am.  but i'm just not really putting in the effort right now.

my leg is *still* swollen, but i've been able to like, you know.  walk around.  a bit.  it still hurts.  i'm shocked that a damn tattoo can cause this kind of problem for this length of time.  i've put myself on prednisone to see if it helps (it really hasn't) so i'm going to taper off that again.  it hasn't really helped my RA either.  hmm.

now tuesday i had an appointment with my rheumy.  she said my hands and fingers were A LOT more swollen than last time.  oh, okay.  i guess because i see them every day, i don't notice it.  she said that means the RA is progressing.  i told her the pain and everything was still there.  so she decided to up my methotrexate (the chemo medication) and prep me to add a biologic next month.  you see the commercials for biologics on television: enbrel, humira, etc.  that's freaking me out a little.  but we'll figure it out.

then my paid job turned to an unpaid internship.  the organization that hired me is willing to let me do my internship there but internships are not paid.  it's good that i'll still be working there and getting my hours in and whatever, but i kind of wanted a job.  i do have an interview for a per diem counseling job, so that might help.

i really wish i had funny or insightful things to say.  i don't.  i've been pretty lame for a couple of weeks.  i've been really headachy and still fatigued and tired and now this past week my leg has been, ugh.  just horrible.  so i don't want to do anything.

awesome husband @_antgas and i have the entire weekend off together with minimal plans - dinner with his parents one night.  that's it.  i'm really looking forward to that.  just a bunch of down time.  hopefully my leg stops hurting and we can snuggle or something.

satur-interesting-day

today has been an interesting day.

i woke up early to drive awesome husband @_antgas to the airport.  he's in florida for a couple of days.  my brother and sister-from-another-mister are on a family vacation there (with her family).  i had a bucketful of jetblue points and halloween horror nights are going on at universal studios.  i hate scary things, but the three of them love shit like that.  so being the best wife EVER, i sent him to florida to go to the gym with his friend, smoke a cigar, and spend tomorrow at universal studios.  he'll get to go to harry potterville and drink butterbeer (damn him), see the new simpsons area, and spend the night getting scared.  the themes this year are 'the walking dead', 'the cabin in the woods', and 'evil dead'.

that's important.  'evil dead' is his like favorite movie.  and he loves 'the walking dead'.  and he made me watch 'the cabin in the woods' the other night and now i get why he liked it so much.  but seriously, 'evil dead'?  that's really what it's all about.  @_antgas loves it, loves it, loves it.

so after waking at the ass crack of dawn (actually, it was before dawn) and getting my vanilla soy latte on, i dropped @_antgas at the airport and turned around.  i also made my best time yet from queens county to my house waaay out in suffolk county.  i spent the morning cleaning at a leisurely pace.  i dusted the bedroom and living room.  i vacuumed the carpets and the couch and the cat beds.  i washed the kitchen and bathroom, including floors.  i cleaned the litter boxes and changed the towels.

i also made my first bottle of homemade all-purpose cleaner.  i used an empty spray bottle and filled it half with white vinegar and half water.  then i added like 40 drops of tea tree essential oil.  the vinegar smell fades and the tea tree is antibacterial, antimicrobial, and all around cleansing.

what did i not do today?  shave.

i'm married (read: have no one to impress) so i really only shave my legs once a week.  my hair is very fine, so even my stubble isn't like, really stubbly.  but i shave every friday or saturday (underarms are shaved as-needed).  the other day, i checked my under arms and they didn't look like the needed to be shaved.  i thought that was strange but whatever.

so yesterday i went to the city to work with dad and showered at like 5fuckingAM.  so no shaving done then.  but i realized that my leg hair was not growing.  i even had @_antgas feel my leg for stubble - nothing there.  which means that in eight days, i haven't grown any leg hair.  and i checked my under arms again, really checked.... nothing there, either.

i started researching why chemo drugs (like the methotrexate i'm on) make you lose your hair.  it's not that they make you lose your hair - your hair stops growing.  methotrexate stops certain types of cells from splitting and regenerating and whatnot (like ho cancer grows).  hair also grows like that.  so methotrexate stops your hair cells from splitting and growing.  when a strand of hair falls out of your head, it's falling out of the hair follicle.  methotrexate stops a new hair from forming and growing in that follicle.

so your hair doesn't fall out from chemo.  your hair falls out naturally (we all lose like a thousand hairs a day).  on chemo drugs, your hair doesn't grow and replace those fallen-out-hairs.

if my leg hair isn't growing, and my armpit hair isn't growing, doesn't it follow that the hair on my head is not/will not be growing?

in addition to spending some time researching that kind of shit, i spent some time freaking out and worrying and wondering and wishing that this didn't happen to me.  RA is a lot bigger than i thought it would be, and it's affecting me in more ways than i anticipated.  especially emotionally.

on top of that, i'm breaking out and nauseous more often than i care to admit.  and i'm not really hungry very often.  on one hand, that's good because maybe i'll lose some weight.  on the other hand, it's not that good because eating is important to staying healthy.

fuck.  times like this i wish i still drank.

instead, i'll take another pill or two like a good girl and go to bed to let my body rest.  tomorrow will be better.

cleaner oatmeal

i don't even like oatmeal.  yuck.

awesome husband @_antgas decided that he wanted something else for breakfast.  oatmeal.  and of course i'm not going to shell out money for the man in the hat's tiny instant envelopes of crap.  have you read the ingredients?

so i got on teh interwebz and started my research.  i ended up finding out how one makes oatmeal (because i didn't know how).  i learned the difference between instant and quick cook and steel cut omfg i hate oatmeal.

awesome husband requested cinnamon raisin (holy shit i hate raisins too.  what goes on?).  i trekked to to the store to get the necessary ingredients (for this AND a cold salad that he requested.  expect another fucking post on that.  i promise, i don't intend for this to be a recipe/craft blog.  i just keep doing things.  no photos on this one.  because i'm not making the oatmeal.  because it's disgusting.  (no, really, i'm sure this tastes delicious if you like oatmeal.)

cleaner eatin' sorta-instant cinnamon raisin oatmeal

• 6 cups of quick cooking oats of your choice (check the ingredients to make sure there isn't any added shit.  the entire 18oz canister is 6 cups)
• 6oz raisins (i just bought a 12oz box and used like half)
• 1/2 cup brown sugar (break it up, put it through a sifter, whatever you need to do)
• 4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/2 tsp sea salt

i put this all in one big glass bowl and mixed it all up.  i had to touch the raisins and break some of them up because they stuck together.  is that a thing?  hmph.  

then i portioned out 1/2 cup of the oat mixture into a baggie.  it made 15 baggies.  i wrote the instructions on each one.  for 1/2 cup of oatmeal mixture, add 1 cup of water or milk.  microwave for 2 minutes (maybe try 1.5 minutes first?  it might vary depending on your microwave).

conversely, you could boil said milk or water and then mix in the oatmeal.  cook for one minute.

i hope it's good.  i'm told it's good.  so, you know.  enjoy it.

sunday funday!

last sunday awesome husband @_antgas suggested that we go on a little field trip.  we went to the old bethpage village restoration.  it's an awesome living history museum.  i grew up in bethpage (so did my parents) and went to public school.  it was practically mandatory that we went every single year with school.  even @_antgas went a few times when he was in elementary school.  for those of you who won't click the link, the short story is that these historic houses were found on different parts of long island, moved from their original location, and restored to what they would look like mid-1800s.  my mother, aunt, and one set of grandparents volunteered there.

@_antgas and i used to go there a couple of times a year.  one of the last times we went before we moved down to florida was halloween of 2002.  we went to old bethpage village restoration and planned to go to my mom's for dinner.  we stopped off at his house where he tied my engagement ring to the collar of our first dog and tried to propose to me.  i was a little thick and it took me forever to notice the ring.

anyway, we haven't been back since we moved back from florida and it wasn't too hot on sunday, so i thought it would be fun.  we loaded up on sunscreen and off we went.  get ready for a photo heavy post filled with fun sort of historical facts.

a room in the schenck house, c. 1765

an old high chair

potty training 1800s style

the back room of the conklin house, c. 1853

an actual outhouse.  it was filled with spiders, not poop.

the bedell house c. 1835, not open

the parlor at layton general store, c 1866

a beautiful old desk, layton store

kitchen of the layton store.  they had pump water and a bathing tub

stove, layton store.  in addition to cooking, this helped heat the house

bedroom of layton store.  such an amazing old sewing machine!

boy's room, layton store

secretary desk, layton store 

these old shipping crates are over the doorway between the house part of the layton store and the actual general store

something awesome and old that i can't remember what it does.

old storage tins and weights for selling herbs and spices 

this housed needles of different sizes for sewing, embroidery, etc.

luyster general store, c. 1840.  hey! i use borax in my homemade laundry soap!

the old safe in the luyster general store which was across the street from the layton store (the intersection of 106 and 25a in east norwich).  the luyster general store was described as the home depot of the mid-1800s, where the layton store would have been more of a supermarket or target.

parlor, noon inn, c. 1850.  dominos, bitches!

the meeting room, upstairs noon inn.  if needed, they would also rent the benches for inn guests to sleep on.  we also learned that back then, any place that served alcohol had to offer at least two beds to sleep in.  the noon inn had one bedroom for rent with two beds, as well as benches in the meeting room if needed.  we were told that you could go to sleep in the bed alone and wake up with friends!  inn guests did not pay for the entire bed - just a spot to sleep.

bach blacksmith shop, c. 1875.  this is the first time we've ever seen it open and working!

ritch house, c. 1830, next to the hat shop.  mr. ritch was the hatmaker.  sadly, the hat shop was not open because they did not have a hatmaker on staff that day.

the powell farm kitchen, c. 1855.  the powell farm house is the only house that was originally on the property.  there are still goats and chickens there - as well as the two largest pigs on long island (900lbs+ each!)  the round metal drum looking thing is basically like a roaster: you would put it in front of the fire for indirect heat and use it to cook a bird.

this is the door to the bake oven.  it was an open brick oven alongside the fireplace which was used for, well, baking.  my mother told me she used to help bake at the old bethpage village restoration, and i think this is the house she cooked in.  i remember her telling me stories about how many logs they would load into the fireplace to heat the bake oven to the right temperature.  i don't think about that often, but seeing the kitchen at the powell farm brought a flood of memories about my mom.

a quilting table at the powell farm.  the end could be rolled around a wooden dowel to expose more of the blanket to be quilted.  because there are so many chairs around the table, i'd expect that quilting was a big social even at the powell farm.

an old desk at the powell farm.  obviously i love old desks.

the potter, in a side building next to the noon inn.  we've never seen a potter before but it was amazing.  the round piece on the bottom would be pushed by foot to spin the top.

@_antgas thought this was cool because it has a leaf spring, which is still used in cars today.  the plaque says 'r.g. powell, undertaker - hempstead'.

manetto hill church, c. 1857.

old bethpage village restoration cemetery.  supposedly the headstones were relocated from an old family cemetery.  

the hewlett house, c. 1840.  @_antgas and i were very interested to learn this house has been opened recently - it was never, ever opened when we used to go.  my mom told us that in the 1970s everyone thought the hewlett house was haunted.  they'd set it up to be opened - put the furniture in the right place, etc - and then the next morning, everything would be moved.  it was not open on sunday because of staffing, but we're planning on calling before we go next time to ensure it's open.

@_antgas discovered that he could take decent pictures through the window.  we were nerdily excited because this is the first time we had ever been able to see inside - the last time we were there, we weren't even allowed to walk up to the house.

the hewlett house

@_antgas being ridiculously adorable and excited about looking in the hewlett house 

the hewlett house

the hewlett house

overall, it was an excellent day.  awesome husband @_antgas and i had a fun time just walking around, spending time together.  and we learned new things.  it seems like every time we go there, we learn something new.  i've been going there since 1987 and i still learn new things.  they usually have special things going on in the fall and around halloween, so we're planning on going back then - especially if the hewlett house is open.

anyone else have any fun, historical, educational things that they like to do?