fuck this motherfucking snow

seriously.  awesome husband @_antgas and i are home for another snow day.  i'm supposed to intern today and the place is closed.  i'm losing intern hours every time this happens.  i mean, i'll make them up.

but i was kind of excited to go in today.  they're revamping the chemical dependency program where i'm interning to make it more of a day program.  instead of people coming in for an hour and a half group three or four times a week and an individual once a week, they're offering unbillable (free) groups to keep people there all day.  they're structuring the billable (required for treatment) groups and times for individual sessions so that there is some free time in between.  so you show up for group at 9:30am, and your next group isn't until 12:30.  you get out at 10:45... what will you do until then?  most of the people are driven by OUR van, so they have to wait.... why not have free groups that they can attend?

i'll be doing one orientation group a week - going over rules, the stuff they signed, basics of why they shouldn't use tobacco or energy drinks, etc.  and i was offered the choice between a general substance abuse group or opioid group - i chose the opioid.  i think that will be very interested, focusing on opioids.  the heroin and opiate problem on long island is seriously an epidemic.  i'd talk about different opiates at each group maybe, show what they do to your brain, work on education.  since it's not 'billable', i can't make it too treatment-y - it can't really be like full-on counseling.  i'm sure some coping skill stuff will come up, we'll work on relapse cues and prevention, but it won't be primarily a therapeutic group.

i've also picked up cross stitching recently.  i've purchased a couple of patters from subversive cross stitch and a couple of etsy stores.  because they're not my designs, i can't sell them.  so i'm guessing i'll give them to friends - and maybe give away a few here....

it's funny, you'd think (i thought) that cross stitching would be horrible for my hands since they're so swollen and achey.  it's not painful at all, and i don't think it's hurting anything.  my pain levels haven't changed... maybe my hands have gotten a little looser (they're not any stronger, but they feel a little easier to move).

so today will be another day wasted at home.  awesome husband @_antgas will play video games most of the day, i'll tool around online and cross stitch most of the day.  i bought potatoes yesterday for dinner tonight - i'm thinking big, yummy baked potatoes (his is a white potato and i bought sour cream; mine is a sweet potato and i'll cover it in butter and brown sugar) and soup.  maybe i'll whip up a batch of my delicious pretzels and we can watch a disney movie.  we're (i'm) planning our anniversary trip to disney and have had a hankering to watch 'beauty and the beast' for a few days now.  or maybe 'sleeping beauty'.  we'll see.

are you somewhere it keeps fucking snowing?  are you going stir crazy?  are you ready to punch the next weatherperson who uses the phrase 'polar vortex'?  and are you mad at whoever decided to start naming winter storms?  (this one is pax.  PAX i tell you.  i hate that fucking name.)

burning my candle at both ends

but i usually have yankee candles in jars, so they don't have two ends.

i've run myself ragged this holiday season.  monday - interned, shopped, went wedding dress shopping.  left the house at 8:30, got home at 9:30.  tuesday - finished up a bit of shopping, cleaned the apartment, left at 5:30 to go to the family xmas eve.  home by 11.  xmas morning - up at 8am, had family over for breakfast, went to my in-laws, went to my aunt's, home by 10:30.  yesterday - interned, did a bit of shoe shopping, went to my in-laws for leftovers (a christmas tradition), home by 8.

i had planned for today, friday, to be a day of rest.  i didn't set an alarm and planned on sleeping until i woke up naturally, then taking it easy around the house (it's almost noon and i'm still in my pjs with no bra on).

what i DID NOT plan on was hellish indigestion that woke me up three times during the night, requiring a total of 10 tums and it barely helped.  around 4am, i finally got out of bed and dragged an extra thick pillow out of the closet and spent the next three hours sleeping sitting up.  then i snuggled back down and slept for another hour or so.

so my long, luxurious night of sleep turned into tossing and turning, interrupted sleep, lots of tums and yucky indigestion.  horrible, horrible.  so angry.

which is why i'm still in my pjs watching television and relaxing.  and planning on doing so for most of the day.  with intermittent napping.

i started on enbrel last week.  i inject myself with this biologic medication once a week; my second injection was on christmas morning.  i haven't noticed any improvement yet, but i haven't noticed any side effect either.

my internship is going well.  i've started sitting in on assessments and groups, and helping write up group notes and things like that.  i'm still in the hiring process for the other per diem counselor job, the one i get paid for.  hopefully by the second week of the new year i'll be ready to go there.  and making a few extra bucks on the side.  it's nearly impossible to be a single income household on long island and do things like eat.

forget about the fact that my medical care, even with insurance, is starting to take a toll on our finances.  i started getting my methotrexate and folic acid prescriptions filled by my insurance company's mail order pharmacy, which cuts that cost in half easily.  i got three weeks of enbrel samples to start with, and will be filling that prescription through my insurance co's mail order speciality pharmacy.  no idea how much that will cost.  already nervous about that.

but life moves on.  as marvin says in hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, 'life.  loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it'.  i mean, i like it.  but whether or not you like life, or appreciate life, or hate life, it goes on.  and you can be either a human BEING or a human DOING.  so, you know.  get on that.

world's worst blogger

...it's probably me.

seriously, i have people who actually (used to) read my blog.  and i ignore them for over a month.  like, a long time.

but let me make some excuses so i feel better.

as my regular readers may remember, i was offered a job back in august.  they wanted me to start august 22.  i was excited and spent too much money on office appropriate clothes and had my newly-brown hair touched up.  my hair was always reddish brown, until i started dying it pink.  but it's been nice having 'normal' hair.

and, you know.  not bleeding pink from my hair all over the place.

things were coming together.  right?

riiiiiiight.

the weekend before i was to start my new job, we had a couple of days off.  i was temporarily done with school and was not going into the shop all weekend because of other responsibilities.  so saturday night and sunday night i went out.  saturday to my aunt's to visit with family (and drink a pitcher of margaritas while eating steak) and sunday to outback with awesome husband @_antgas and my girl... where i had a pitcher of mango skinny margaritas and more steak.

aside from my eating/drinking habits that weekend, i has this twinge in my chest, like under my right breast.  eh, i figured i tweaked something at the gym.

monday morning around 4am i woke up to pee.  my chest was hurting pretty badly.  i went to stand up and it was really hard. and i went to sit on the toilet and that was really hard to do too.  breathing was pretty hard.  basically, EVERYTHING was really hard.  i was wondering if i was having a heart attack, but my left arm didn't hurt.  then i was thinking maybe i like broke a rib or something and it punctured my lung.  but i could breath - it just hurt like FUCK.

i spent about an hour trying to lay down in bed.  i'd try to lay on my side... it hurt.  it hurt to sit up.  the actual act of rolling over was excruciating.  finally i woke @_antgas up and told him we needed to go to the hospital.

so he took me to the emergency room.  because the pain was in the vicinity of my chest, they rushed me right in and did an EKG.  then they rushed me right in to see a doctor.  i put my little robe thingy on and started getting poked and prodded.  they put an iv in my arm (ugh i hate that shit) and starting doing tests and X-rays.

everything was good.  and then they started talking about my gallbladder.

ergh, what?

one of my old friends had her gallbladder out, and she had SO MUCH pain like every time she ate, no matter what she ate.  i don't have that problem.

they ordered an ultrasound and a hitascan?  no idea how to spell that.  but it turns out my gallbladder is chock full of stones.  and they were like, well we can take it out now or you can go home and see if it happens again.

i was started a job in two days.  recovery time is a week.  i was like, um i'm going the fuck home.  so they sent me on my way with some percocet and that's it.  no advice on what to eat/not to eat or anything.

my gallbladder was achy for a few days, but no major pain. every once in a while it hurts again, but it's not been too bad.  i followed up with their recommended surgeon who wants to take my gallbladder from me and i'm terrified.  but then i was like, of COURSE as surgeon is going to recommend surgery! so i set up an appointment with my regular doctor and asked around to see who was recommended.  i didn't want some kid doing my surgery, you know?

the pain hadn't been too bad... until today.  last week my PCP said my gallbladder needs to come out and recommended a surgeon (whom i did some research on and is highly regarded).  i was like, whatever i'll call when i call.  i'm busy with work and school and an upcoming vacation and trying to get all of my vaccinations in order for school.  you know, life.

but today i had to leave work early and come home.  the pain wasn't too bad, but i had a fever and chills, and this strange nausea.  and just sleepy, so sleepy.  so i came home and ate light, napped for a while, and feel a bit better.  and called the surgeon.  i have an appointment with him next thursday and i will be scheduling surgery with him.  it's about a week recovery so i'm hoping to schedule it on like a wednesday or thursday so maybe i can be back at work monday or tuesday - that way i won't miss a lot a lot of work.  because i'm taking off the last week of october/first week of november for a family cruise.  more on that later.

for now, weep for my gallbladder.  i would prefer to keep my body intact, and i'm terrified of laparoscopic surgery because they'll go near my belly button.  and i'm not cool with that.  when we were little, my mom used to tell me and my brother that our arms, head, and legs were attached behind our belly button, like a puppet.  because we would play with our belly buttons (specifically my brother, he dug around in there like woah) (we were LITTLE KIDS.  gods, get a grip).

i mean, i know that's not true.  but you spend so many years avoiding your belly button and punching people who touch it, and it leaves an impression.  there will be an incision and, like, stitches there.  ergh.

have you had surgery?  what organs are you missing?  i've had two wisdom teeth out, but that's it.

william m. joel likes hydrogen

so we have something interesting going on today.  first if you check over here with my aunt motherfucking becky, you'll see that she's asked her pranksters (like me!) to try an internet prank.  read her blog to get the gist of it, and you may see the pertinence of the blog being named 'william m. joel likes hydrogen'.


or not.  the hydrogen part is all for annah, whom i may or may not have a blog crush on.


who is william m. joel, you may ask?  well, the 'm' in william m. joel stands for martin.  and william m. joel's more common name is billy joel.  but billy joel is more commonly searched.  and i wanted to use a middle initial.


hmm.. i'm not sure william m. joel really has the kind of far reaching impact as aunt motherfucking becky's choice does.  but i guess i can search for william m. joel and see if my blog comes up.  and you can search for william m. joel and see if it comes up.


gosh.  did i just single-handedly ruin this prankster's internet prank by choosing william m. joel?  i sure hope not.


it's just that, really, william m. joel is my favorite singer/songwriter ever.  i have every album william m. joel has ever released, and have seen him in concert like nine times.  and william m. joel doesn't like constantly tour.  i'm only 30.  william m. joel has been touring and making music since before i was born.  heck, before my parents were even together.  he's released many great songs, like 'piano man', 'we didn't start he fire', 'lullaby', and 'pressure'.  just to name a few.  william m. joel's album 'the stranger' was ridiculously popular, reaching number 2 on the charts and spawning four top 25 hits.


also, my parents knew of him when he was just william m. joel.  he grew up in the bethpage/hicksville/levittown area of long island, just like my parents.  william m. joel was once in a band called the hassles.  supposedly a friend of my mom's dated william m. joel in high school or some shit like that.  you can read some of william m. joel's history here, at his wikipedia page.


so william m. joel is kind of a hometown hero to many long islanders. and of course, i'm from long island, new york.  just like william m. joel.


go to google.  or yahoo, or whatever.  and search for william m. joel.  and tell me if this fucking prankster's internet prank shit worked.


also, i may have to name my next pet william m. joel.  i remember mom and awesome husband telling me i could have hermit crabs.  this weekend sounds like a good time to pick one up and name it william m. joel.

down with pants!

okay, so i was catching up on my blog list today, and thanks to annah over at red means go (http://www.whenredmeansgo.com/) who posted some pantless photos today...

go ahead. i'll wait while you check them out. and follow her, to help her get famosity, or she will eat kittens.

now that i have regained your attention, her blog about being pantless in your own house (which, correct me if i'm wrong, should be a god/s given inalienable right) reminded me about the trying issue of claustrophobic thighs.

this is when you have your pants on, like at work or when you're shopping, or maybe just hanging around the house. and you realize that your thighs are claustrophobic - your pants are all tight and pants-y around your thighs. and your thighs are all agitated and irritated and angry.

like when you are stuck in line behind someone at the grocery store, in the 10 items or less line. and they have like 14 or 15 items. i mean, you can forgive 11 or 12, but they're pushing it. and not only are the in the express line with too many items, but the get all impatient and do that sighing thing that some of us do to let you know we're annoyed with someone. and then they start making comments about how the cashier is slow, or the person paying with a credit card who takes four extra seconds to sign their slip, or gets all huffy when the front end manager comes over with singles for the cashier.

and you get that feeling. it's kind of tingly and tight. like you're a spring that's being more tightly coiled. maybe it's the feeling of having your braces tightened. or really bad gas. i'm not sure. it's an agitated, anxious, angry, abomination of a feeling.

you get through it, and you go home with your less-than-10-items (i know you weren't in that lane against the unspoken rules of the supermarket). you put the groceries away, maybe feed the cat or pour a cup of soda or glass of wine. and you go to sit on the couch, and turn on the game.

and then. your thighs. if you're wearing any pants that are not really comfy and super stretchy, you notice that your jeans or trousers or whatever feel a bit.... snug across the top of your mid-thigh. strange. but then you realize that it's not just the top of your thigh - it's all the way around, like there's an invisible ace bandage being wrapped around it. so you stand up and adjust your pants, like pulling the legs up a bit to give your crotch and thighs more wiggle room. or you adjust your trouser snake addendums if you have them. or you pick the nonexistent wedgie that you think is causing the problem.

and you sit back down. and it's even worse. like if you could scratch the fabric off your thighs, you would, and you might take off a layer of skin or ten while you're at it.

this is claustrophobic thighs: when you feel like you may have to fuck something up if you can't take your pants off. so you have to take your pants off. depending on the level of claustrophobia, you may not be able to put any other pants on in lieu of the jeans or trousers you're already wearing - super stretchy may not cut it. you may need to walk around in your tee shirt and panties for the rest of the night.

and so what if the windows are open and the neighbors can see? who the fuck are they looking in your windows?!? i walk around in my underwear more than i care to admit, due mainly to thigh claustrophobia. awesome husband gives me a strange look sometimes, since the windows and patio doors are open, but i figure that my panties and a tee shirt covers more than my bathing suit does, and i wander around outside drunk in my bathing suit... so fuck that. my thighs are more important.

i just hope the claustrophobia doesn't spread further. it's bad enough i get nervous in elevators and tunnels, especially the last tunnel in the rock 'n roller coaster at disney hollywood studios (i live in almost perpetual fear of being stranded in that tunnel again. our coaster train stopped there once for like two minutes once, and i nearly lost it).

i can't imagine what i would do if i ended up with boob claustrophobia. my mom would never come out of her room again.

so what? sew buttons.

i have no hours this week. meaning, i was forgetful while in new york and didn't get online to pick my hours for work this week. so between monday and friday, i am/was scheduled for about 5 hours. i was also asked to help with showing n00bs that work with us how to do their jobs as well as i do. yes, you read that right. i rock the job i strongly dislike just that hard.

anyway. since i have all this unintentional down time, i was thinking there was some stuff i could get done around the house... like, i could caulk something. or spackle. or, um... you know, do other things. or i could sew.

guess what i chose. i will get around to the caulking/spackling/whatever. but until then, i'm sewing. i finished a macbook case for a friend in one day - how productive! of course, that's all i did all day. but whatever. (by the way, it was quite awesome and very well made, if i do say so myself.) i'm very comfortable with the design, and excited about making more since i think notebook cases will sell well on my website (http://rule42custom.com). so i was in the sewing mood and decided to get started on a new hobo bag design.

bad idea.

it looks so cute! dia de los muertos body for the bag, hot pink contrast (yes, like that other hand bag i did, but a completely different design) and... three kinds of interfacing? well. it can't be that bad. so i started altering my pattern and cutting fabric out. and cutting interfacing out. and cutting more fabric out.

almost three hours later, i was just finishing cutting the fabric when awesome husband came home. i was shocked that it had taken me that long! i'm seriously hoping that this bag goes together faster than it took to just fucking prep the thing, otherwise it may not be worth it to make and sell them. ultimately, i'd like this whole 'making-awesome-things-and-selling-them-to-the-public' thing my actual job.

was the afternoon a total waste? no, it wasn't. but i was hoping to actually have something done. it's really frustrating when shit like that happens. so i decided that i wasn't going to cook dinner. we had to run to the store to pick up soda, i came home and put my comfy pants on, and ordered the bestest pizza in florida... dominos. i lie - there are better places, just not around me. and dominos delivers.

and then i was thinking... i used canvas for that notebook case. i wonder how cheap i can get half yards of canvas online. my local joann's has a good selection, but not GREAT as far as canvas and duck cloth are considered. so i went to etsy to see what people were selling...

oh. my. god. i don't know what is going on in japan, but i think i want what they are smoking. the fabric that is imported from japan that is being sold on etsy makes me want to do NOTHING but make computer cases with hedgehogs and piggies and hippos and strange little japanese dolls all over it. the only problem? many of the sellers are overseas. $8 for a half yard of canvas is a bit much on it's own, then when you add $6 for shipping, well... it becomes much too much. what's a girl to do?

start searching manically for canvas from other sellers and suppliers. and i did just that. for like three hours. and i came away with two half-yard choices that hopefully will be here in a week or so. that way i can make more computer cases. and hopefully people will buy them and love them.

and maybe, just maybe, i won't mind paying $16 a yard for RIDICULOUS canvas from japan.