Thursday, September 15, 2011

why do these things exist?

this is a copy of the live-facebook-status-updating i did tonight.  i have deleted part of my name because i try to keep this blog semi-anonymous.  so, you know, if i ever actually get a real job, my potential employers will not find this blog by googling me.  and other's names and faces have been changed because, well, you know. 

and this is serious - this was not for fun or anything like that.  there was a motherfucking earwig in my motherfucking living room.  awesome husband and my brother went to yankee stadium to see the big 4 concert (anthrax, stupid fucking megadeth, slayer, and metallica).  so i was, in fact, home alone.

at this point, the damned earwig resurfaced from under the couch.  and yes, i had moved my fucking sectional away from the walls - and back to where it belonged - and nearly had a coronary doing so.

victory was mine!
so i killed the damn earwig.  i then got eight paper towels and a plastic bag and disposed of it.

it then occurred to me that my cats fucking FAILED because, hello, shouldn't they be chasing/hunting/killing these types of things? really?

this is only the second time in my entire life i've killed an earwig.  the first time i remember seeing one, i must have been 3 or 4.  i asked my mom why they were called earwigs and she said it was because they crawled into warm places like ears.

which i know now is untrue.  they're called earwigs because when their wings are open, they kind of look like a human ear.

you didn't know they flew either, did you?  staring to see why i'm so terrified?

anyway, even at the tender age of 3 or 4, i could think of OTHER warm places on my body that an earwig may like.  and thus began my paralyzing fear of earwigs.

when i was 25, awesome husband and i had been married for a few months and were living communally with my mom and my brother (incidentally, only about four blocks from where we live now).  we had the best rottweiler named nibbler.  she was such a sweetie.  and she helped me kill my first earwig.  we were home alone - i had been in a car accident and was basically home bound and nibbler had lymphoma and was dying (i know, buzzkill) so i spoiled her rotten.  we even took naps in my bed together.  i saw her watching something on the kitchen floor - an earwig.  we were home alone.  i freaked out while she stood next to me and watched it move across the floor.  nibbler stood right next to me as i grabbed a fistful of paper towels, tossed the wad on top of the earwig, and then proceeded to jump up and down on it like a fucking idiot. 

i wouldn't have been able to do it without her.

but seriously, what is up with earwigs?  what is their purpose?  what's with the pincers?  because they are scary.  and what's with scorpions?   why the FUCK do they need lobster claw pincers AND a stingery tail bit?? i mean, can we say OVERKILL?? and what do they do?  bees help pollinate things, and spiders eat other bugs... you know, there have a purpose.

earwigs and scorpions?  none that i know of.  if any of my sciencey friends can find purposes for me, please share them

not that i'll hate the fucking things any less.  but still.


  1. I HATE EARWIGS. Here's a horror story for you: My mom pulled a post out of the ground once and thousands of earwigs poured out of the ground like water. Gross.

  2. ewwwwww. we were cleaning up some landscaping at my mom's old house when awesome husband picked up a bag of fertilizer.... and it was like a wave of them across the driveway. disgusting.