terrifying things

things are just not always 'right'.  i have a new job (well, it's similar to my old jobs, but it's better), i'm doing well in school, i have a great family.  we make enough money to pay the bills and enjoy a dinner out now and then.  i'm planning a family cruise this spring to scatter my mom's ashes.  i have four ridiculously amazing cats.

but still.  there are times when i NEED the tarzipan.  when things just aren't right and i don't know why.  when i get aggravated at someone or something and feel like i want to rip my hair out - literally, not figuratively.  when i WANT to be active in my addictions: i WANT to cut myself.  i WANT to find drugs to use.  i WANT to eat the entire bottle of tarzipan and not wake up.  ever.

i'm back on *another* diet/lifestyle change/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit.  i'm using a new online tracking tool and tracking my calories in and exercise (which still isn't much).  to be perfectly honest with you all, my devoted readers, i am considered 'morbidly obese'. 

yes. even though i can walk in 4.5" heels and a size 20/22, i'm morbidly obese.  morbidly obese means 'fat enough that you about to die, bitch'.

and yet, my blood pressure is almost perfect - 122/80 at almost all times, a little lower in the early mornings and a little higher at the gynecologist because i get really nervous there.  my cholesterol is a bit high, but it's always been so - even when i was 5'7", 135 pounds and my doctor told me i could stand to hold a few more pounds on my frame.  i laughed at him. 

awesome husband turned into a kind of fit freak after mom died.  he works out 4-5 days a week, at least an hour at a time.  he watches what he eats (mostly) and takes all these pre work out/post work out shakes.  which i don't agree with in theory, but he's gained like 22 pounds.  yeah - he was trying to GAIN weight.  he always had that worn-in heroin addict chic look.

now his chest measurement is the same as mine: 42".

so awesome husband is 'lovingly concerned' about my weight and health.  that's what i keep reminding myself, not that he's going to leave me for a younger/fitter model.  not that he is embarrassed to be seen with me in public.  not that he is disgusted with and turned off by my body.

but that he doesn't want me to die young like my mom did.  56 is kind of young to die.  that's only 25 more years for me.  that would mean my life is half over.

and the problem is i'm okay with that.  i never thought i'd live to 30, and i'm 31 now.  so i figure i'm already on borrowed time.  i'd rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable.

but the problem is that i'm never going to be skinny, miserable or otherwise.  my doctors have always told me that 150 is a good goal to shoot for.  i still haven't told you all how much i weigh because it's kind of annoying.  and i don't think i look like i weigh that much, so i think something is lying to me.  i think i have, like, dense, heavy bones because there is no way that i wear the same size clothing i did at 24 and weigh 50 more pounds than i did then.  the only thing that's changed is the size of my bra, really.  when we got married, i was buying clothes that engulfed me in a size 24 or 26 because i figured hiding myself would hide my fat.  then i discovered that wearing the right sizes - 20/22 depending where i was shopping - actually made me look more normal. 

now i'm on this diety thing.  again.  and i know i'll lose maybe 45, 50 pounds (like i have before) and hit a plateau.  i gained most of it back after i quit smoking and my mom died (about 20 pounds from quitting smoking, 15ish more after mom died.  which i think is good, considering).  so this time, losing that 50 pounds will get me a bit 'closer to goal' as it were, but i'll still have A LOT of weight to lose.  which is why i'm actually considering surgery for the first time ever.  but that's early stages still.  i figure i'll stick on this diet for a bit and see what happens.

so the whole lifestyle change thing pisses me off, just on principle.  i want to eat an entire bowl of buttery popcorn while reading a book, but i can't.  actually, i can have like 5 cups of air popped popcorn with 1tbsp of butter and it's not as bad for me as you'd think.  popcorn is low-fat and high-fiber.  but in addition to all this shit, i'm considering going to al-anon.  which is like alcoholics anonymous for the alcoholic's family members.  my dad is a recovering alcoholic with like 26 years sober and my step-father was an abusive alcoholic.  the al-anon website has all this info about if you think al-anon would help you.  here are a few of the questions they ask you to consider to see if al-anon is right for you:

• did you grow up with a problem drinker?
• do you constantly seek approval and affirmation?
• do you fail to recognize your accomplishments?
• have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
• are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems?
• do you feel alive in the midst of crisis?
• do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
• do you isolate yourself from other people?
• do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
• do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings of others?

those are just a few that i was like 'OMG WERE THEY IN MY HEAD WHILE WRITING THIS LIST????'

so i'm going to be going to my first al-anon meeting soon.  i keep putting it off because i'm nervous and scared and isolating myself and don't really want to go alone.

now i think i may go eat an entire bowl of (semi-)buttery popcorn and watch a movie.  or nap.  either way.