frustration

i waited so long to get to the position i am in with my work at home thingy.  i was thrilled to be asked to rejoin the client i had left a year prior.  but things change.

and not always for the better.

now i'm frustrated and unfulfilled at the job.  the extra work-for-free hours are annoying the hell out of me.  and it's eating into my life.  ultimately, i'm going to grown up school (quite probably in the fall).  i won't be able to go to brick and mortar college full time, work 20 paid/5-7 unpaid hours a week at home, and then whatever i end up doing at the shop.  i have work, work, and school.  and one thing has to go.

when i said 'i'll just quit school after i get my associates' awesome husband looked like he wanted to punch me.  so school isn't going (and i'm glad about it).

one job has to go.

working at home is pretty neat.  i work at home.  i love the people i work with.  i love helping people.  i'm good at my job... just not good enough.  it's one of those jobs where we're constantly told to do better and, often times, our progress is glossed over.  it's always 'yes, you did better - but we can keep improving'.  and i get that - there's always room for improvement, no one is perfect.  but it would be nice to have a week go by where we could just be awesome and not have a 'but' in there.

and it *used* to be flexible.  yes, there are a handful of meetings we need to attend every week - most of which i'm able to attend.  but it's not like i just do my time and leave.  they constantly need someone to step up for one thing or another.  if i'm online and something needs to be done, no one considers whether i'm online for work or not - they just ask me to do stuff.  it was crazy busy one night earlier this week and an 'all hands on deck' call went out.  i can't do stuff like that.  i was at my other job when that call went out.  when i worked with another client, it was up to me - i picked my hours, i showed up, i did my time.  if i wanted to take a monday off, i took a monday off.  not now.

working at the shop is really cool.  i love the people i work with and i like meeting new people.  as much as i still hate most people, i'm great with them (customer service runs in my blood).  i have a good bedside manner, so i'm told.  i like sticking needles into people.  i'm terrified of surface piercings and am excited to learn how to do them properly.  it's not as flexible because i have to be there when the shop's open and the other piercer isn't there, but i get two full days off a week.  even though i work both weekend days, if i needed a saturday night off, i ask and someone covers for me.

the money is comparable.  but work at home job is less hours.  work at home job is 20 hours a week - but then an additional 5-7 UNPAID.  which just pisses me off like you wouldn't believe.  piercing is like 35ish hours a week so it's at least 8 hours more a week for the same amount of money but i have fun (and get some homework done while i'm there.  so, you know.  multitasking).

awesome husband's first instinct was to quit piercing.  but i enjoy it so much.  my office is next to my bedroom.  i'm writing this in my bed, and my work computer is sitting on a desk that is literally on the other side of the wall my head is against.  and i don't want to get out of bed to walk into that office and do that job.  but i want to go piercing.

i like doing things i excel at.  and i just don't seem to be excelling at working at home.

and the strangest thing has happened while i'm trying to hash all of this out.  i realized that i'm alive.

i mean, obvs i've been 'alive' this entire time.  but i've been working from home for four years now.  we only had one car.  i never went anywhere alone.

we have a second car now.  i leave the house when i want to.  i get a pedi or go to the spa.  i can go foodshopping by myself.  and fuck, if i want a damn latte i can go to sbux on my own and get one.  it's like i'm a real, productive member of society again.

and i hate saying that - productive member of society.  it makes everyone else who doesn't work outside of the home sound like an asshole.  but when i was really sick, in the dregs of my depression, i wanted to be normal.  and i don't mean the really low lows where you just CANNOT function.  i mean those 300+ days a year where you're just fucking depressed and feeling worthless and shit like that.  the days when you'd give anything to be able to get dressed, leave the house, and do normal-person things like data entry jobs or food shopping or whatever.

i longed for that.  i wanted to be able to leave the house without worrying that people were staring at me.  i wanted to go outside and not think that someone was watching me.  i wanted to have that self-worth and feel good about myself.

and don't get me wrong - working from home was a huge boost for me, financially and emotionally.  i was able to contribute to my household and do something - very well.  i was NOT worthless.

i sent my direct 'superior' an email explaining all of this.  here's some of it...

Since my mother's death just over a year ago, I've worked on living.  I want to have fun and excel at whatever I choose to do.  I have had fun working with Client and would love to be able to work with Arise and Client in a capacity that I excel at.  However, I've also worked on balancing my life since my mother died.  Flexibility is incredibly important to me and I'm lucky that I've enjoyed that in the past with Arise.  But between school and the demands of my position with Client, I don't have that flexibility any longer.

 i know piercing means working saturdays and sundays.  i know it means missing some family stuff and it means not always being around.  but it means having fun and excelling at something.  it means being out there and LIVING my life.

it's terrifying striking out on other things.  and it's sad to me that my business venture may be coming to an end now.  but it's exciting too.  awesome husband and i have always made things work in the past.  there's no reason to believe we can't make it work going forward.

terrifying and exciting.  correct me if i'm wrong, but that sounds like living.