positivity attracts positivity

it does.  i try to be so positive all the time, but it's really hard sometimes.  like, really really hard.  it's hard to always be cheery and happy and positive-outlooky.  it's worth it, though.  it's really worth it.  because when you behave positively, you attract that positivity to you.

you may have read one of my old blog posts where i discuss why i'm not so thrilled with my job.  it's not that it's a bad job, but it's pretty much a bad job.  i've been throwing resumes at everyone who will take one, including multiple locations of the same facility.  and i happened to call one location while the office manager was calling applicants to set up interviews... and she asked me to come in for an interview the next day (today).

i think the interview went really well.  i did a typing test thing, answered a bunch of related questions, and peed in a cup.  thank goddess i actually had to pee a little.

it's just for a medicaid receptionist position.  it's not a counselor position.  i had also applied for an assessment/intake counselor position at a few locations of this facility, which would be a bit more in line with my future job - but i'll take what i can get.  i'm really excited and really hope i get it.  it's so much closer to my house, it's full time during the day (i won't have to work late like i do now), and it's in the type of facility that i would end up working in as an addiction counselor.

so fingers crossed.  hopefully i won't have to drive mentally ill people who pee a little home in my car much longer.

i'm going to remake "all you wanna do is dance" and replace "dance" with "sleep"

obscure blog title, i know.  it's a great billy joel song, check it out:

one of my favorite billy joel albums.  who am i kidding, i love all billy joel albums.

however, my point is all i wanna do is sleep.

i haven't talked a lot about this pain i've had.  since march, my left wrist has been bothering me.  so have my hips, but not too badly.  i told my doctor and he said my hips could be caused by my weight and gave me some basic exercises to do for my wrist.  which i did, and they didn't seem to help.  i figured it was a touch of carpal tunnel.  i decided to wait and see after i quit my desk job.

so i quit my desk job in june and spent a couple of weeks babying my wrist.  it didn't get any better, but my knuckles really, really started bothering me.  then one day in july i woke up and my right wrist and knuckles hurt.  i called an orthopedist and went for my appointment.

i wrote all my info down and whatever they wanted and waited two damn hours to be seen.  the doctor palpitated my left wrist, wrote off my right wrist, and ordered xrays for my left wrist.  he said it looked fine.  he was ready to send me off when i asked about my knuckles... which he had completely forgotten about.  after ordering another round of xrays for my knuckles, he told me there was nothing wrong with them either.  he said that there was nothing wrong with my bones and told me to wear a wrist brace for a month and see if it got any better.

i wore it, i babied my left wrist.  i ended up putting another brace on my right wrist because it hurt so much.  after a month went by, everything hurt more.  i cancelled the followup with the orthopedist (saving my $50 copay) and called a rheumatologist.  they fit me in a week later - which was this past tuesday.

i loved the rheumatologist.  she asked so many questions about my medical history.  she asked so many questions about my pain and where it hurt and how much it hurt - like none of which the ortho asked about.  we even talked a bit about how broken the healthcare system was.  she then popped me up on the table and poked at numerous spots on my body: my neck and throat, upper chest, hips, back, knees, wrists.  i had tender spots that i hadn't even noticed.  but i was very upfront about what hurts and how much it hurts: wrists, knuckles, hips, upper back, lower back, and how fucking exhausted i am all the time.  she told me it definitely wasn't rheumatoid arthritis because the fingertip knuckle is never involved in RA (i was thinking it was RA until that point).  she mentioned something as simple as a vitamin or hormone deficiency could cause joint pain like this, or something like psoriatic arthritis.  no one in my family has been diagnosed with psoriasis though, so not sure how likely that is.

she ordered a bucket of blood tests (and they were able to draw blood in the office, which i love) and scheduled a followup in two weeks.  i've looked at some of the symptoms of psoriatic arthritis and fibromyalgia, and both look like possibilities.  i just can't wait to find out what's wrong with me so that we can treat it and i can stop wanting to sleep all the damn time.

today, my shoulders and upper back, wrists, hips, and knuckles still hurt.  but in addition, the rest of my back, thighs, and knees are really bad today.  i have no idea what is going on, but i really need it to stop.  i called out of work this afternoon because i just can't do it.  i can't get comfortable.  i ate a bunch of advil earlier today and am considering breaking out my stockpile of painkillers because omfg this hurts.

anyway, sorry for the pity party.  i just am at the end my rope today.  and i have to sit in school all day tomorrow so, there's that.