what am i doing?

well, it's been a bit. like, seven months? something like that.

i decided where to go to school: adelphi. i've already completely my first semester and got an A in both of my classes.

i took a great cruise with some family and friends. we went to bermuda and sailed out of manhattan. it was really fun and very nice and my first sober cruise. i went to two AA meetings on board and found i didn't miss drinking as much as i worried i would. i also discovered roulette and am good at it.

i quit my job as a drug and alcohol counselor and took a position as a care coordinator (case manager) working with people diagnosed with severe and persistent mental illness. it's fun and challenging and sometimes i can't believe they pay me what they pay me. it's like $13K a year more than my last job and i feel a lot less stressed by it. very nice.

my dad died on october 29th. it was really sudden. he was 63 and diabetic and had high blood pressure. he was alone in his office, where he slept every night on a couch because he was always working. he died alone in his office, locked in a building in an industrial area. a neighbor climbed a ladder and found an open window to let the emergency workers in. so i planned another funeral for another parent.

i hadn't spoken to my dad in almost a month. i was mad at him because i felt like he only called me when he needed something. it seemed like he never called just to say hi or i love you or something. i called him like that, for no reason, and it frustrated me that he never did. the last interaction i had with him was the morning we left on the cruise, october 4th, 25 days before he died. he said, 'have a safe trip. love to all'.

sometimes i feel like i don't know what i'm doing in life. within five years i lost both of my parents. i'm only 35. but i'm still here. i'm still here and i don't know what i'm doing.

no news is... good news?

things are pretty much status quo here.

work. sleep. eat. puppy. cats.

the cycle starts over and over, just later on monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

i had the intention of going to bed early tonight since i have to be up early tomorrow. probably isn't going to happen.

you should immediately go read the bloggess' new post. jenny is an amazing person and a wonderful person and probably one of the best people in the world.  so, go here.

i still can't figure out where to go to school. i'm still existing in a near-constant state of anxiety. i'm going to shine up my resume and send it out because why not. who knows what will come up, right? i'm not depressed, which is nice, but i'm having some self-worth issues and thinking more than i like about drinking or drugging. i even had a really vivid and horrible drug dream last monday, which kind of ruined the day. however, my blood pressure, blood glucose, and cholesterol are at healthy levels. so, yay me! (don't worry, i'm still fat. just healthy. i know, it's hard to imagine someone being FAT and HEALTHY, isn't it?)

(if you answered 'yes', go fuck yourself.)

so for now, i'm going to feed the cats and try to sleep. well, i will sleep. eventually. and hopefully i'll be blissfully unaware of anxiety and depression and cravings and low self-worth for at least 7 hours or so. that would be nice.