anyone who reads my blog may have seen a comment from my cousin on my last blog, posted on the anniversary of my mother's death. i'm glad i didn't read it yesterday because it probably would have ruined my day.
the saying goes there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth. this story has, like, seven fucking sides, for real. obviously one side is the truth. but then there's my aunt's side, her daughter's side as perceived through what her mother told her and what she witnessed. then there's my mother's side, and my side based on what mom told me and what i witnessed. then my brother's side based on what mom told him and what he witnessed. and my husband's side, and my father's side, and my uncle's side.... you get the drift.
i know what i know based on long discussions with my mother, the emails my mom showed me, the emails my brother and i sent back and forth with my aunt, and facts my mother, father, and other family members have corroborated. that is my truth.
that is all i can live in: my truth. i can't live in someone else's truth, i can't force myself to have feelings i don't have any more than i can force my eyes to change color.
my mother was my best friend.
i used to just think about losing her and i'd get hysterical. i never thought i'd be able to live without her - literally, i figured i'd have to kill myself once she died because i'd have no way to go on. she was my best friend and there was nothing we didn't talk about.
my mother was my best friend and i still don't know if i can get over her death. and over the last year, all i've wanted is to surround myself with people who love and support me. once people show hate, disrespect, or do whatever the opposite of supporting me is - i cannot allow them to have that kind of affect on my life.
my mother was my best friend, and today is the 366th day i've lived without her. and to me, that's a fucking accomplishment.
i miss you mom.
|mom and i on our cruise, november 2008|