Sunday, December 4, 2011

sunday night

my mom passed away a year ago yesterday.  i spent the night at one of my family's favorite restaurants with family members who have supported my brother, awesome husband, my father, and i since my mother's passing.  it was nice to have something fun and positive to look forward to instead of focusing on her death all day.

anyone who reads my blog may have seen a comment from my cousin on my last blog, posted on the anniversary of my mother's death.  i'm glad i didn't read it yesterday because it probably would have ruined my day.

the saying goes there are three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth.  this story has, like, seven fucking sides, for real.  obviously one side is the truth.  but then there's my aunt's side, her daughter's side as perceived through what her mother told her and what she witnessed.  then there's my mother's side, and my side based on what mom told me and what i witnessed.  then my brother's side based on what mom told him and what he witnessed.  and my husband's side, and my father's side, and my uncle's side.... you get the drift.

i know what i know based on long discussions with my mother, the emails my mom showed me, the emails my brother and i sent back and forth with my aunt, and facts my mother, father, and other family members have corroborated.  that is my truth.

that is all i can live in: my truth.  i can't live in someone else's truth, i can't force myself to have feelings i don't have any more than i can force my eyes to change color. 

my mother was my best friend.

i used to just think about losing her and i'd get hysterical.  i never thought i'd be able to live without her - literally, i figured i'd have to kill myself once she died because i'd have no way to go on.  she was my best friend and there was nothing we didn't talk about.

my mother was my best friend and i still don't know if i can get over her death.  and over the last year, all i've wanted is to surround myself with people who love and support me.  once people show hate, disrespect, or do whatever the opposite of supporting me is - i cannot allow them to have that kind of affect on my life.

my mother was my best friend, and today is the 366th day i've lived without her.  and to me, that's a fucking accomplishment.

i miss you mom.

mom and i on our cruise, november 2008


  1. Love that picture of the two of you.

    I really appreciated how you handled the family drama-- you have your truth and I have mine. Your words, your story, your truth-- never let anyone take that away from you.

  2. Ah, I can't even imagine. :(

    But that's an awesome pic (cool hair!)

  3. I just read "a story" and it made me cry. I'm bad with emotions so I can't say much more than that, That's so hard.

  4. 'a story' isn't even done yet. i just felt like i needed to write down the entire process of what we went through, not so much for other people but for me. i don't really know why. i mean, i won't ever forget it. but it just felt like something i had to do.

    and after what my brother and i went through with my aunt, i mean that's just part of it. the process of losing my mother so quickly taught me so many things: it taught me things about myself, things about other people that i didn't want to learn. it made me examine things.

    i'm not a totally different person than i was before my mother died - i think i'm basically the same person. but some things have changed. i think that writing it all out and blogging about it is what's helping me figure out what's changed.

  5. I think I deliberately forgot the day of my father's death, though I know it was in summer around the time of my birthday. He died eleven years ago. I've never been sure of the exact date and do not want to be reminded of it. What's kind of sad though is that I can't remember his birthday anymore either. I'm usually not this much of a bummer I swear.