i really do try to be positive. posi-this, posi-that. i try to focus on the positive and practice gratitude and shit like that. i do.
but it's usually pretty hard. i mean, i have pills. they do help. i've never felt more 'normal' than this past year. the pristiq really seems to have made a difference.
what the fuck does that say about me? the most 'normal' year of my life includes my mother dying and moving back to new york? really?
so i accepted a new position with another client with arise. it's a client i used to work with, last year in fact, and they asked me to come back in a facilitator capacity. which is really awesome - i really believe in this client's product and know i will be an integral part of the team. it's another 20+ hours a week. on top of the 20+ for my current client. on top of school full-time. and if any of you really think that online school is not 'full-time' i challenge you to my schedule. i only take two classes at a time, but they're only nine weeks long. i easily put 20 hours a week into my classwork, if not more. figure i have 16ish hours a day that i'm awake. 80 hours a week (fuck you, the weekends are mine) and 60 are scheduled for school/work. 4 hours a day for showering, taking care of the house, taking care of myself, and spending time with awesome husband.
that is not enough. i'm fucking batshit crazy and i need time for me. there have been times when i can't take a damn shower without awesome husband forcing me to. i need time to sit on the couch and stare at a cat. or watch 'twilight' without awesome husband. or read. gods help me, reading. i severely miss reading for fun. i haven't read anything that's not related to work or training for my new position or for my science class (NUTRITION. FUCKING NUTRITION).
or reading about algebra. fucking learning about solving number problems with words is kind of annoying. fucking algebra.
and i really want a vacation. i really want time for me. i don't care if it's a cruise or boston for a few days or canada or whatever. i need to not be 'here'.
so i'm taking a couple of nights off from work. and i found twizzlers on sale at pathmark so i bought them. and it *says* they expire 10/2011. and they taste... strange. the consistency seems off too. guess i found out why they were on sale.
practical matters: we survived hurricane irene with minimal damage. we have a HUGE tree in our front yard and we lost a few big branches off it. one hit our gutter and dented it, but the gutter's still attached to the house. no flooding either. we did evacuate to my in-law's house which is like in the middle of long island right near the highest point on long island. so we figured we'd be safe from flooding.
we mostly were - the house is old so there was a bit of water in the basement because it rained FOREVER. but they lost power early sunday morning.
and still don't have power. probably until MONDAY. a whole week without power.
we got power back midday sunday. we live near the water - a canal two blocks north of us, a canal a block and a half west, a canal a couple of blocks east, and the bay sevenish blocks south. so we're SURROUNDED by water. and we didn't get flooding. it stopped about a block and a half south of us - it was really close. but we made out on this one. the only casualty: my fucking sanity. when we were breaking down the huge branches in the front yard, a goddamned SWARM of mosquitoes attacked me and my arms are COVERED with bites. i have them on my back and hands too. fuck.
we have a vet appointment this saturday with ALL FOUR CATS. exciting times. i can't wait to see how much cat hair we end up with in the car. and then awesome husband has the third sitting for his tattoo. once he's done, i get to start work on my next tattoo! yay!
so for now, some soul-searchingish stuff going on re: work/school/me balance. i figure i can take it slow for a couple of weeks and see what happens. i get insurance like tomorrow so i can start looking for a therapist in addition to my psychiatrist/drug dealer. therapy is delicious. i'll enjoy that.
finally, new blogger is kind of killing me. i guess i'll get used to it, but right now it's driving my ridiculously nuts.