Wednesday, August 31, 2011

why do twizzlers have an expiration date?

i really do try to be positive.  posi-this, posi-that.  i try to focus on the positive and practice gratitude and shit like that.  i do.

but it's usually pretty hard.  i mean, i have pills.  they do help.  i've never felt more 'normal' than this past year.  the pristiq really seems to have made a difference.

what the fuck does that say about me?  the most 'normal' year of my life includes my mother dying and moving back to new york?  really?

so i accepted a new position with another client with arise.  it's a client i used to work with, last year in fact, and they asked me to come back in a facilitator capacity.  which is really awesome - i really believe in this client's product and know i will be an integral part of the team.  it's another 20+ hours a week.  on top of the 20+ for my current client.  on top of school full-time.  and if any of you really think that online school is not 'full-time' i challenge you to my schedule.  i only take two classes at a time, but they're only nine weeks long.  i easily put 20 hours a week into my classwork, if not more.  figure i have 16ish hours a day that i'm awake.  80 hours a week (fuck you, the weekends are mine) and 60 are scheduled for school/work.  4 hours a day for showering, taking care of the house, taking care of myself, and spending time with awesome husband. 

that is not enough.  i'm fucking batshit crazy and i need time for me.  there have been times when i can't take a damn shower without awesome husband forcing me to.  i need time to sit on the couch and stare at a cat.  or watch 'twilight' without awesome husband.  or read.  gods help me, reading.  i severely miss reading for fun.  i haven't read anything that's not related to work or training for my new position or for my science class (NUTRITION.  FUCKING NUTRITION). 

or reading about algebra.  fucking learning about solving number problems with words is kind of annoying.  fucking algebra.


and i really want a vacation.  i really want time for me.  i don't care if it's a cruise or boston for a few days or canada or whatever.  i need to not be 'here'. 

so i'm taking a couple of nights off from work.  and i found twizzlers on sale at pathmark so i bought them.  and it *says* they expire 10/2011.  and they taste... strange.  the consistency seems off too.  guess i found out why they were on sale.

practical matters: we survived hurricane irene with minimal damage.  we have a HUGE tree in our front yard and we lost a few big branches off it.  one hit our gutter and dented it, but the gutter's still attached to the house.  no flooding either.  we did evacuate to my in-law's house which is like in the middle of long island right near the highest point on long island.  so we figured we'd be safe from flooding.

we mostly were - the house is old so there was a bit of water in the basement because it rained FOREVER.  but they lost power early sunday morning.

and still don't have power.  probably until MONDAY.  a whole week without power.

we got power back midday sunday.  we live near the water - a canal two blocks north of us, a canal a block and a half west, a canal a couple of blocks east, and the bay sevenish blocks south.  so we're SURROUNDED by water.  and we didn't get flooding.  it stopped about a block and a half south of us - it was really close.  but we made out on this one.  the only casualty: my fucking sanity.  when we were breaking down the huge branches in the front yard, a goddamned SWARM of mosquitoes attacked me and my arms are COVERED with bites.  i have them on my back and hands too.  fuck.

we have a vet appointment this saturday with ALL FOUR CATS.  exciting times.  i can't wait to see how much cat hair we end up with in the car.  and then awesome husband has the third sitting for his tattoo.  once he's done, i get to start work on my next tattoo! yay!

so for now, some soul-searchingish stuff going on re: work/school/me balance.  i figure i can take it slow for a couple of weeks and see what happens.  i get insurance like tomorrow so i can start looking for a therapist in addition to my psychiatrist/drug dealer.  therapy is delicious.  i'll enjoy that.

finally, new blogger is kind of killing me.  i guess i'll get used to it, but right now it's driving my ridiculously nuts.


  1. Talk to me about what psychotropics you've been on?

    I've had: effexor, zoloft, paxil, lexapro, xanax, wellbutrin, and a couple of anti-psychotics.... most recent was effexor but i just kicked it...

    also: I'm so glad the hurricane didn't do any more damage for you.


  2. @charles, i'm no good with the different classes of meds, like anti-psychotics, etc. my list includes zoloft, paxil, lexapro, celexa, wellbutrin, pristiq, i believe i remember being on depakote for a very short period of time around my hospitalization, and klonopin/clonezapam/tarzipan. the combination of pristiq and tarzipan seems to be helping but what i really want is a new diagnosis.

    i know it's stupid to focus on the diagnosis but between my various issues i've received diagnoses for clinical depression and PTSD. which i appreciate, lol, but i really have too many cycles to be just 'clinically depressed'.

    and thanks ;) irene was a pain in the ass but was not terrible for us.

  3. What are you various diagnoses? I've been diagnosed ADD, ADHD, depressed, manic depressed, rapidly cycling manic-depressed, anxiety disorder, among others....

    How was the klonopin? That stuff sticks you to the couch, yeah?

  4. You may definitely have a huge fucking uphill battle yet-- but I'm so glad this year has been better. You-wise, not life events-wise. And 80 hour work weeks? FUCK, woman. I still have boxes I haven't unpacked and I'm working 30-40. But on the bright's for something you believe in. It's something you care about. At least you're not working 80 hours slinging hamburgers or something.

    NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH SLINGING HAMBURGERS. I happen to be very passionate about slinging hamburgers.

    Let us know more about this soul-searchingness as it develops. Keep your fierce chin up. And tell me what tattoos you're planning because I'm insanely curious.

  5. @charles, the only diagnoses i've received are clinical depression and PTSD. i'm convinced i have hypomanic depression. possibly borderline personality. and enough panic/anxiety issues to be getting on with. the klonopin can sure do that, but i have the baby pills (0.5mg) and i often break them in half. if the half doesn't help within 30 minutes, i take the other half and just go to sleep lol.

    @nicki, ty <3 i used to love my food service job. i love working and schooling from home, but i have one more year before i get my AS and i have been considering what i'll do after that. so it's all got me thinking. as far as the tattoo, my artist and i are thinking about a disney's alice in wonderland sleeve ;)

  6. Dear steph, if you have PTSD, you need an intensive program to help you deal with it.

    I don't know what your email is, but I can tell you more.

    Depression and anxiety will likely STICK in place without appropriate therapy specific to your PTSD, especially if you have more than one trauma.

    That being said, I am glad things are sorta better, but that is one helluva work/school week.

    Try not to do the "keep myself SO busy I don't feel ANYTHING" route, because it doesn't work in the long haul.

    Wow, I sound like a downer. Sorry.

  7. i went through some cognitive behavior therapy for the ptsd years ago. the problem with clinical depression is that it's just there - it's always going to be there, i'm always going to need medication for it, i'm always going to struggle with suicidal tendencies (not the band) and obsessive thoughts and whatnot. it's all the OTHER shit i need therapy for lol. the depression, i mean the pills basically help with that.

  8. You need more than CBT and meds for PTSD, steph.

    It's complex and it feeds into the depression and anxiety, but EVERY other facet of your life, too.

    Group therapy and grounding is huge. I just hope you feel better, but there are facilities that have PTSD programs that are totally worth it.

    Better if you have insurance coverage, too.

    I'll shut up now.