i'd love to say 'i'm back'. i'd love to be able to promise you more posts about awesome husband, eating tarzipan, my ridiculous family, and my fucked up life.
i don't know that i can promise you any of that. i get through my days with the help of tarzipan (and probably more alcohol than i should admit to drinking), awesome husband, my brother, and my great family and friends. it takes a tragedy to bring us closer together sometimes, and that has been exceptionally true in my family. it's not that i was like estranged from members of my family, but there were some family members that i might have only seen or talked to a couple of times a year. with my mother's illness and passing, i feel like i have a whole new immediate family now. specifically with a few of my cousins - even though i may not talk to them much more than i did previously, i feel like we are all closer. and i wouldn't feel strange calling one of them in the middle of the night if i needed them.
it's a different feeling than i'm used to. but i like it.
what i can promise you is more bullshit about life, the universe, and everything. i plan on going back to talk therapy in the new year - so that will be worth at least a blog or two a week. probably about how much i hate my therapist. and awesome husband and i will be moving back to new york. so packing and stressing and actually moving will be amusing - to you guys, at least. and of course, i am continuing on with my schooling. even though new york state will not recognize an education degree received online, so i had to switch my plan of attack. i'll now be getting an associates with a concentration in psychology.
other than that, you'll probably have a lot of blogs about my mom. about what happened, how fast it was, what it felt like, what i was thinking. about planning your mom's funeral when you're 30 years old. how it feels to have another empty room in the house.
about how i can't walk into her room too often, because it still smells like her. how taylor - the oldest cat - has taken to sleeping on her pillow since mom left. how i keep putting off opening her drawers or closets or looking under her bed, because i don't know if i can see her things yet.
so yeah, it won't be a barrel of laughs. but i know it will be good - for me, at least. and maybe it will help some of you too.
|mom and me at my wedding, october 2004|