bittersweet

first, an update: still no call on the job.  i emailed my first contact last thursday afternoon and haven't gotten any response.  i was thinking of pursuing it on monday by hunting down phone numbers.

but i may not be able to.  see, i'm about to start my final week of school at university of phoenix.  my last two finals that will be handed in july 22nd.  and then, within that next week i'll get my final grades.  and then i can apply for my diploma.

i'll have my first degree: associates of arts with a focus in psychology.  and then this fall, i'll continue my education at a local college.  two years from now, i will have graduated with my bachelor's in community health and human services, and i'll have completed the requirements to take the test to become a certified new york state alcohol and chemical dependency counselor.  oh, and i'll be taking a couple of hospice counseling classes.  because i think i'd like to do that too.

and a mere two years ago, i didn't think this was at all possible.

if you were around two years ago, you may have witnessed what was my last real nervous breakdown thingy.  i also started a new medication that kind of freaked me out. 

that new medication also may have saved my life.  i felt more normal than i have since... well, ever really.  and then we added tarzipan to the mix for my panic attacks (which i now am much better with) and i've been mostly okay for going on two years now.

so much has changed in two years.  just two years.  it's not a long time.  my blog's been around longer than two years.  i've lived in new york again for over a year.  two years ago i decided to go back to school.  my mom was still alive two years ago.

that's an odd thought for me.  and i think that's part of what makes me graduating soon so strange.  mom and awesome husband were supportive but surprised when i decided to go back to school.  i think they weren't sure if i'd stick with it.  what i couldn't explain to them (and still can't really explain well) is the difference the medication made.  pristiq made me feel like i knew my limitations.  i'm not as terrified that i can't go out in a social setting, or that i'll have to quit my job if i call in crazy one day.  i wasn't sure how to articulate that feeling.  but i knew i could do school.  and everyone was supportive.  i enrolled in school the first week in september.  i even accepted a new job in october and started training.

i had just started my second block of classes when mom moved up to new york.  it was november 13, 2010 when i drove her to the airport early in the morning to catch a flight.  it would be the last time i would see her outside of a hospital, but i didn't know that.  of course i didn't.  i spent that day at epcot with some friends and drank mead that night.

monday november 15th was mom's first day at the new job.  awesome husband and i went about our lives in the quieter-than-it-used-to-be house, comforting the two cats who seemed to be missing mom.

i spoke to mom a few nights that week.  her eyesight was bothering her and my brother took her to the eye doctor, who wanted her to get an mri.  she was terrified but we were going to make her do it.  but that saturday she emailed me and told me to call her.  when i did, she was upset and having extreme vision loss.  we convinced her to go to the hospital and, within four hours of getting to the emergency room, we had a diagnosis of metastatic lung cancer.

from mostly healthy but having vision trouble to metastatic fucking lung cancer in mere hours.

i was on a plane the next morning.  and mom cried when i got to the hospital.  i told her not to cry, i was there, what was there to cry about?  she worried that i wouldn't finish school because of her, because i'd miss too much work while i was in the hospital with her.

i didn't.  there was wifi in the hospital, and i had my laptop.  i'd sit next to her bed in ICU and do classwork.  my new job let me put the training on hold.  i helped her eat and drink, i helped her stay comfortable, i rang the nurses for her, and i did my homework - all right there in the ICU.

and when they told me not to bother going back to florida on thanksgiving morning, that there was nothing they could do but keep her comfortable, we started looking at hospice facilities.  we were lucky to get her in one - they didn't charge us because she didn't have insurance - and we moved mom there the saturday after thanksgiving.

they also had wifi, and i spent a week sitting in the reclining chair in her private room, helping keep her comfortable, wetting her mouth, and telling her i loved her - while i did my homework.

and when she died, i did what i had to do, took a couple of extra tarzipan, and made her proud. 

oh, and i kept doing my homework. 

i thought a couple of times about stopping school, but they were fleeting thoughts.  i never would have stopped, because of my mother. 

things were so different two years ago.  and maybe that's why it seems so strange graduating without my mom.

but two years ago, there mere thought of my mother dying was enough to put me into full panic attack mode.  i always figured i'd have to kill myself when my mom died because there was no way i could live without her. 

now i know differently; i've proven that monster of depression wrong.  i can be strong and do what i need to do, i can be a good daughter and a good wife.  and i can have a positive impact on people's lives.

i learned that all from my mother.

thanks, mom.

list of needs/wants

• i need to find a way to back up my photos on my time capsule as actual images i can access from any computer on the network, not just as fucking disk images.
• i need the guy from the gas company to finish what he is doing so i can not worry about having to jump up and let him back in the house.
• i need the cats to stopfuckingfighting and grow up. and i'm speaking about the 16 year old as well.
• i want to feel like my pills are working better than they are.
• i want to not have to take tarzipan today.
• i want the facilitators from my last two classes to post my damn grades because i'm about to blow my 4.0 GPA and i'm more upset than i should be about it.  because no one really cares except for me.
• i need this fucking hurricane to NOT hit long island's south shore like a windy ton of fucking bricks because we live between two canals and like five blocks north of the water.  so we are SURROUNDED by water.  
• i need more diet coke. i'm supposed to be drinking water like a good little girl, but fuck that.  
• i want to not have to work for a day and do nothing but sit around and read, maybe watch some cartoons, and snuggle on the couch with cats.
• sometimes, just sometimes, i want to not care so much.

hi there

hi.

how've you been?

me? okay, i guess.  not really busy.

just, you know.  tired.  and sad.  so lots of napping has gone on.

i have a whole blog post ready to go, i just need to add a couple of after pictures.

but, you know.  tired.  and sad.

so i really haven't been doing much of anything.  except eating cookies and tarzipan.

and rum.

lots of rum.

bucketfuls actually.

it's a picture from last weekend.  but still relevant.  however, i have retired the bucket and now only use it for it's delicious printed recipe.

so.

i mean, my cat was in one of those collars for a while.  but we took it off when he got shit on it.  did i show that to you guys?

i can't stop biting my butt.  well, my rump.  you know how it is.  right?  do you?

and now he's biting his butt again.  not as much, though, because i keep spraying it with nasty tasting shit.

and i got a new tattoo.  but it's all peely right now so i'm not posting photos of it yet.  i actually got two, one small one on my hand and a big one on my arm.  i love tattoos.

so, what else... what else...

nothing, really.  nothing good at least.

but i always have my family and friends.  and cats.  they all love me and keep me semi-sane.

we get by.

it certainly is a good friday.

i mean, it's THE good friday for you fun loving christians out there.  time to celebrate poor jesus getting beat the fuck up, hung on a cross to die, and buried under a huge fucking rock.

PARTY.

at least you get all those chocolate bunnies and starburst jelly beans on sunday.  not sure why, but there you go.

i remember dying eggs with my mom and brother for easter.  my mom liked hard boiled eggs (i hate them).  she'd let me help peel them sometimes, though. 

and being the horrifically imaginative child that i was, i'd take all those different colored cracked egg shells and glue them to paper to make a picture.

yup.

and my mom would ooh and ahh over them, and then probably distract me with a matchbox car or the cat or something and throw it out.  because no one in their right mind keeps TRASH glued to a piece of paper for years.  even if their kid made it.

i mean, egg shells? really?  good job, steph. 

idiot.

anyway.  it's not a BAD friday, i suppose.  i have to work for a couple of hours, do some civil rightsy project for my 'cultural diversity' class (which i call my ethnics class.  haha), and then one of my besties is coming to spend the night.  probably because she really really likes me and awesome husband.

probably not because she likes awesome husband working on her car for free.

we'll go with choice 'a'.  (just kidding, bestie.  you know i'm kiddin' ya.)

and then i have to work for two hours tomorrow morning while bestie sleeps in.  and then who knows what we'll do.  as long as it doesn't involve cleaning my house or prostitution.

other than that, i'm pretty open.  and i do have to go pick up my copy of 'mortal kombat' at game stop.  which is right near lane bryant.  which i have a $25 gift cheque to.  yes, the spell it 'cheque'.  i guess it makes it fancier than saying 'here's a $25 COUPON that you can use for anything'.  or a gift CERTIFICATE saying 'since you keep spending so much money on bras in our store, here's something to show our appreciation'.  it's a 'cheque'.  and only valid until may 1.  know when i got it?  three days after i went to lane bryant to stock up on underwear.  which is 5 for $29.

guess i'm getting more panties.

in other news, i can't sleep through the night.  because i hate waiting for shit i have no control over.  our potential buyers want to close may 18th.  MAY FUCKING EIGHTEENTH.  that gives us less than a month to pack up and find a place to live in new york.  1200 miles away from where i am now.  monday is awesome husband's last day of work, so he'll kick packing's ass.  but finding a place to live?  and technically they aren't GUARANTEED to buy the house????

??????????

i mean, they waived their right to inspection.  because they're eager to get in the house, supposedly.  and they put $1K in escrow and they have to pay for the appraisal.  so if they walk away, they're out that money.  but we have to wait for the lender/underwriter to get off their asses and order the appraisal.  that's where i'm freaking out.  because they can still walk away after the appraisal.  so it's like, do i just assume it's all going to go through and find a place to live with that may 18th date in mind, or do i wait longer and see what happens?  and what if i get us that place to live for may 18th and shit falls through?? then we'll still have to move to new york and pay for that place AND pay for the house down here until it sells.

which is why i'm on a steady diet of tarzipan and chocolate.

and tonight is not only bestie night, but chili's night.  where we go to drink margaritas and beer and have something to eat.  it's our friday night thing.  i'm finding that my tolerance for tequila seems to be slipping.

or my girls at the bar are slipping more alcohol into those presidente margaritas. 

i knew those big tips would pay off.


ALSO i did a bit of light housekeeping on my blog page.  see over there?? to the left <~~~~~  near the top.  i've connected my tweetiness to the blog!  FANTASTIC!  and you can uptweet my ass or share me on the facebook.  DO IT.  you know you want to.  i'll send you all delicious margaritay thoughts tonight if you do.

ALSO ALSO.  i lost a reader.  wish there was like a rule that when you unfollow someone, you have to say why.  like, did my bewbz offend them?  am i not funny enough?  not skinny enough?  just that much more full of The Awesome than they are? 

the world may never know.

coming home

i know i've been a horrible blogger for the past month.  sometimes it's felt like a whirwind of activity, and sometimes it's felt like molasses in january. 

i'd love to say 'i'm back'.  i'd love to be able to promise you more posts about awesome husband, eating tarzipan, my ridiculous family, and my fucked up life.

i don't know that i can promise you any of that.  i get through my days with the help of tarzipan (and probably more alcohol than i should admit to drinking), awesome husband, my brother, and my great family and friends.  it takes a tragedy to bring us closer together sometimes, and that has been exceptionally true in my family.  it's not that i was like estranged from members of my family, but there were some family members that i might have only seen or talked to a couple of times a year.  with my mother's illness and passing, i feel like i have a whole new immediate family now.  specifically with a few of my cousins - even though i may not talk to them much more than i did previously, i feel like we are all closer.  and i wouldn't feel strange calling one of them in the middle of the night if i needed them.

it's a different feeling than i'm used to.  but i like it.

what i can promise you is more bullshit about life, the universe, and everything.  i plan on going back to talk therapy in the new year - so that will be worth at least a blog or two a week.  probably about how much i hate my therapist.  and awesome husband and i will be moving back to new york.  so packing and stressing and actually moving will be amusing - to you guys, at least.  and of course, i am continuing on with my schooling.  even though new york state will not recognize an education degree received online, so i had to switch my plan of attack.  i'll now be getting an associates with a concentration in psychology.

other than that, you'll probably have a lot of blogs about my mom.  about what happened, how fast it was, what it felt like, what i was thinking.  about planning your mom's funeral when you're 30 years old.  how it feels to have another empty room in the house.

about how i can't walk into her room too often, because it still smells like her.  how taylor - the oldest cat - has taken to sleeping on her pillow since mom left.  how i keep putting off opening her drawers or closets or looking under her bed, because i don't know if i can see her things yet.

so yeah, it won't be a barrel of laughs.  but i know it will be good - for me, at least.  and maybe it will help some of you too.

mom and me at my wedding, october 2004

i've a shiny turkey

that's right chaps and chapesses, i have received another award.  this comes from semi true torystellar over at can u relate? who OBVIOUSLY agrees with me that i'm superawesome and totes deserving of almost any award.

so i have this shiny turkey to show for my blogging efforts.



shiny happy turkeys holding hands.. um..

 now in addition to displaying this slick bird on my blog, i have to pass it on to 3-5 other deserving bloggers AND share a story involving some combination of “food, intoxication, kitchen, cooking/baking, or holidays”.

hmm.  i'll award it to tiffany at on the verge because i can only HOPE she has an awesome story about cooking.  i'll give one to simple dude here because he's a well-known award hog and i know at the very least he may have something useful to say about drinking and eating mcribs.  and finally i'll share a shiny fucking turkey with kristine who writes wait in the van because if she doesn't deserve a shiny fucking turkey, who does in this crazy, mixed up world?  seriously.

well, i eat a lot.  and i drink *sometimes*.  i'm in the kitchen often, cooking and/or baking (usually cooking) and i celebrate a few holidays.  but all of these things together?  hmmmmmmmmm....

this is harder than i thought.  the times i've gotten specifically slizzard i have prepared food ahead of time or been somewhere that we pay people to cook for us.  i have gotten superhigh and baked cookies before, but they were just those pillsbury cookie dough in a huge fucking pail that you scoop out and drop on a sheet and pop in the oven while you pack and smoke a tight bowl watch television.  i do go through four bottles of beer on st. patty's day, but they go into the corned beef, not my bloodstream.  i have gotten almost shitfaced on meade because that sneaks the fuck up on you, but neither kitchen nor cooking were involved.  and drinking on the holidays is so overrated.  that's what everyone else does.  what do you think i am, some kind of fucking CONFORMIST?  no, but seriously, i usually have to drive places on the holidays.  so no drinking for me.

i have stories about times i was drunk without pants on.  or drunk without a bra on.  or cooking without pants on.  or baking without pants on.  i mean, PANTS i can work with.

i tried to make dinner for my family the second day i took tarzipan and kept doing stupid things.  like not turning on burners.  or practically cutting my fucking finger off.  i'm sure it would be a hysterical story... if i could remember it.

sadly for you, most of my cooking/baking adventures turn out fairly successfully.  i'm usually sober (or mostly sober) on major holidays.  i've gotten drunk enough to sit (pantsless) on my kitchen floor and cry, but i don't think that is the kind of story this award requires.

i have failed you, semi true torystellar.  i've failed your award.  i don't deserve a shiny turkey.  or a matte finish turkey.  or even a shiny cornish game hen.

now all i can think about are cornish pixies from harry potter and the chamber of secrets.  DAMN YOU JK ROWLING.  just a couple of more days until i get my next harry potter fix.  i'm seriously JONESING for tihs damn movie.

i.

cannot.

wait.

to recap: i've failed at accepting this blog award.  i haven't taken a tarzipan yet today.  i can't wait for harry potter and the deathly hallows part one this weekend.  i haven't told any of you how my classes are going - school and work related.  i haven't discussed my personal life or my bullshit or my craziness for days.

have i withdrawn? you bet your sweet asses i have.  i'll work on pulling up my big girl panties and getting some shit done around here. until then, keep your unit on you.