positivity?

it's so hard to remain positive sometimes.

you may remember in one of my recent blog entries i talked a little about being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis - RA.  i was happy and sad about being diagnosed.  happy because now we know what's wrong with me and can try to treat it to alleviate the symptoms.  sad because i don't want to be on an immune suppressor forever.  or even not forever.

now that my rheumy knows how advanced my RA is thanks to the ultrasound, she wanted to start me on medication.  we discussed it on friday over the phone.  i'm going to take methotrexate and a folic acid supplement.  she also warned me to use two forms of contraception because you do NOT want to get pregnant on methotrexate (i let her know that isn't a problem any longer).  dr. rheumy called in the prescriptions and i figured i'd pick them up on saturday.  just didn't feel like it on friday.

of course, i started googling things.  and i probably shouldn't have.  but i found out that methotrexate is a chemotherapy drug.  it's used to treat people with cancer.  it's a cancer drug.  do you get it?  because i didn't at first.  i kept checking other websites, thinking that one must be wrong.

it's.  a.  chemo.  drug.

i started checking some RA message boards to find out people's experiences with methotrexate.  people on a lower/similar does than i'm going to take have lost their hair.

i kept searching for info.  i found an excellent website called RA warrior.  with an info page that says the day you're diagnosed with RA, your mortality risk doubles.  it also says that studies show people with RA have a 10-15 year SHORTER lifespan.

so, i was starting to get a little depressed.  i mean, more than normal.

i knew that RA was a serious disease, but i thought it was just, like, a disease.  like you take pills and you exercise and everything will be fine.  i didn't think that it was this far reaching.

i should have.  it's an AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE.  yes, RA specifically seems to attack the joints.  but it's your own immune system attacking your body.  other body parts can be involved; it is a whole-body disease.

i'm terrified of taking my first dose.  i was thinking about putting it off indefinitely.  i thought about going and getting rip roaring drunk tonight and then taking the pills another day (i haven't drank in almost 9 months).  i thought about saying 'fuck it' and just dealing with it.

until awesome husband @_antgas said something along the lines of 'and be in a wheelchair by the time you're 40'.

oh, well then.  good point, i suppose.

so after the walking dead premier tonight (if i make it through it because i've been quite sleepy) i'll be taking my first dose of methotrexate.  i'm trying to stay positive and trying to focus on the good, but it's been pretty hard.  most people say the first day or two (or four for some people) after taking the methotrexate are bad - it's hard to get out of bed, eat, bathe, anything.  here's hoping it's not too bad for me.  maybe the worrying will be worse than the actual side effects.