i don't have excuses

i really don't. i just suck and am busy. sorry for the lack of posting.

but i've started on yet *another* lifestyle change.  i downloaded this app from livestrong.org and it's really useful. and it's got a neat little community feature built into the app that is full of ridiculous people who boost each other up.

so it wants me to eat 1400 calories a day.  which is not a lot but, you know.  i weight a lot. 

have i ever disclosed my weight here before?  it's a touchy subject.  i know i'm fat a big girl.  but i never really want to talk about *how* big i am. 

275 pounds.  and that's not my highest weight.  it's just what i am now.

and i wake up in the morning and my hips hurt.  i thought it was how i was sleeping, so i changed that.  maybe i need to stretch or work out.  so i did that.  my hips still hurt.

and i realized it was probably because i'm fat a big girl.

i always rationalized it away... excused it.

• i stopped using drugs, i can enjoy food.
• i stopped drinking sugary soda and switched to diet, i can enjoy food.
• i quit smoking, i can enjoy food.

299 pounds was the first time i really dieted.  i freaked out - i couldn't weigh 300 pounds.  i did slim fast and lost 53 pounds in about 7 months.  and lost ONE clothing size.

how the fuck is that possible?  i went from like a 24/22 to 22/20.  fuck.

anyway.

i gained 18 back when i quit smoking.  and gained a bit more when my mom died and decided to stop cooking and drink all the time.  and i've sort of tried since then.  joined a gym and worked out a bit.  watched what i eat.

but apparently that just doesn't work for me.  i need to track every damn thing that i put in my mouth or i won't lose weight.  so here we are again. 

tomorrow morning is my first weigh in.  i'm nervous as hell because if i didn't lose anything, i'll be sadpanda.  i've eaten under 1500 calories every day for a week except for saturday because i had a party and i still ate A LOT less than i used to eat at parties like that.

i'm also using supplements.  CLA, thermogenic pills, l-carnitine supplements (i call it l-carnosaur.  obvs).  i take a multivitamin and a biotin pill for healthy skin, hair, and nails.  i use replacement shakes to supplement my calorie intake and fill my stomach the fuck up.  so, we'll see.  we'll see.

i don't have an end game - i just want to lose weight.  although i do have my 15 year high school reunion in six months and a cruise just after that.  so i wouldn't mind being a bit thinner then :)

aside from eating better and exercising, i also have one more challenge: to not buy new clothes until i'm down at least a full size.  we'll see how that goes.