but not really. having a little nervous breakdown (or nervy b as i so eloquently call it) is not full of The Awesome. it's actually pretty fucking lame.
it's even worse when you do so during a meeting filled with your coworkers. since you hate the shit you see going on, and when your 'supervisor' says something like 'don't use AIM for bitching about others or gossiping, just to stay in touch with each other' you get offended because A) AIM is not owned, operated, or maintained by my 'job' and i'll use it how i damn well please - EVEN during work hours, B) you work from home and this is the ONLY place you have to gossip and bitch and keep in touch with your coworkers - no scheduled breaks for coffee or smokes, no clandestine meetings in the bathroom to bitch about your other coworkers, nothing like that - and C) i work for MYSELF. i own my own business. i am subcontracted by another company - NOT ARISE - to do my job. why should ARISE be fucking policing my shit? if we're getting our jobs done satisfactorily as far as the client is concerned, why can't we vent to each other?
so some of us *ahem, me, ahem* open our fool mouths during the meeting and voice this opinion. some of us are heavily medicated and don't speak well in public anymore (hence, all my typing and blogging and chatting - i can read it and make sure it 'sounds' right instead of tripping over my damn words all the time and sounding like a fucking idiot). some of us explain how we feel and get a little emotional.
and then we have a call with our 'supervisor'. who basically tells us off. tells us to keep our opinions to ourselves. that some other coworkers were complaining that our AIM chat was a bit negative, and they didn't want to participate. and honestly? if he had said that first, i would have been okay.
he initiates a phone call with me and tells me to KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF. basically tells me that he did me a FAVOR by letting me voice my opinion during our meeting, that i should contact him directly with issues like that. hello? I HAVE. YOU NEVER EMAILED ME BACK.
so i got very, very upset. i spent about 7 hours crying, took 1.5 tarzipan total and STILL kept crying and freaking out, and it's colored my entire week. i had a pretty good birthday monday, had a sad morning tuesday, all this shit happened tuesday afternoon, i was off wednesday so i spent the day hating life and going to sephora, and back to work yesterday.
i showed up, logged in, did my job, ignored almost all of my coworkers, didn't 'participate' in our AIM chat, and then left to take <jake to the vet.
and i'll do the same today. and tomorrow. and then we'll see what happens. because i have some time off to step away from the situation and see what i can handle.
it's really annoying being an 'adult' and not being able to function because i'm so sick. i don't know how other people function. i don't know how many pills i have to take and how many times i have to go through this and how many jobs i have to quit in embarrassment.
being crazy permeates every aspect of my life. and i'm kind of over it. but how do i GET over IT?