Friday, March 18, 2011

nervy b's are fun, yo.

but not really.  having a little nervous breakdown (or nervy b as i so eloquently call it) is not full of The Awesome.  it's actually pretty fucking lame.

it's even worse when you do so during a meeting filled with your coworkers.  since you hate the shit you see going on, and when your 'supervisor' says something like 'don't use AIM for bitching about others or gossiping, just to stay in touch with each other' you get offended because A) AIM is not owned, operated, or maintained by my 'job' and i'll use it how i damn well please - EVEN during work hours, B) you work from home and this is the ONLY place you have to gossip and bitch and keep in touch with your coworkers - no scheduled breaks for coffee or smokes, no clandestine meetings in the bathroom to bitch about your other coworkers, nothing like that - and C) i work for MYSELF.  i own my own business.  i am subcontracted by another company - NOT ARISE - to do my job.  why should ARISE be fucking policing my shit?  if we're getting our jobs done satisfactorily as far as the client is concerned, why can't we vent to each other? 

so some of us *ahem, me, ahem* open our fool mouths during the meeting and voice this opinion.  some of us are heavily medicated and don't speak well in public anymore (hence, all my typing and blogging and chatting - i can read it and make sure it 'sounds' right instead of tripping over my damn words all the time and sounding like a fucking idiot).  some of us explain how we feel and get a little emotional.

and then we have a call with our 'supervisor'.  who basically tells us off.  tells us to keep our opinions to ourselves.  that some other coworkers were complaining that our AIM chat was a bit negative, and they didn't want to participate.  and honestly? if he had said that first, i would have been okay.

but no.

he initiates a phone call with me and tells me to KEEP MY OPINIONS TO MYSELF.  basically tells me that he did me a FAVOR by letting me voice my opinion during our meeting, that i should contact him directly with issues like that.  hello?  I HAVE. YOU NEVER EMAILED ME BACK.

so i got very, very upset.  i spent about 7 hours crying, took 1.5 tarzipan total and STILL kept crying and freaking out, and it's colored my entire week.  i had a pretty good birthday monday, had a sad morning tuesday, all this shit happened tuesday afternoon, i was off wednesday so i spent the day hating life and going to sephora, and back to work yesterday.

i showed up, logged in, did my job, ignored almost all of my coworkers, didn't 'participate' in our AIM chat, and then left to take <jake to the vet. 

and i'll do the same today.  and tomorrow.  and then we'll see what happens.  because i have some time off to step away from the situation and see what i can handle.

it's really annoying being an 'adult' and not being able to function because i'm so sick.  i don't know how other people function.  i don't know how many pills i have to take and how many times i have to go through this and how many jobs i have to quit in embarrassment.

being crazy permeates every aspect of my life.  and i'm kind of over it.  but how do i GET over IT?


  1. So many HUGS! I had a close friend have a nervy b. no fun.

    i'm kinda of a hippie so we'll see if this helps or freaks you out. ;)

    First of all, all those emotions do need to come out. Bottling them up will just make them come out stronger later. Not a good idea. But finding the right way to let them out and not beat someone else down with them - that's the trick. And the insanely hard part. (I fail that all the time.)

    if you've never tried reiki, I'd highly recommend it. One of my teachers had depression so bad that she had an implant to send impulses to her brain to make her happy. And it started to fail. She started into reiki and slowly, over years, she got better. Now she's not only had that implant out, she's also not on any medication and no longer struggles with depression.

    It's a hard road, but even just trying it out a time or two can help you out some.

    Many hugs and I hope you can find the right balance in your life again. You've been through some hellish times....

    -Andi (it won't let me post under Wordpress. Boo.)

  2. I had a crazy week at work and pretty much melted down, constant tears etc. Something that seemed to help me get through the worst of it was when another blogger gave me a maori (new zealand) saying which I used like an affirmation. Two simple words I wrote down and put in my pocket. a magic spell almost. Kia Kaha = be strong.
    Ok very new age, but I pass along the magic to you too. I even have it written on my home notice board and blog page

    Hugs lovely lady. Hope you feel better soon

  3. I'm not "officially" crazy because I've never gone to a doctor, but I'm pretty sure I'm a bit loopy and should be on some tarzipan myself. So I know how you feel about being an adult and nervy b's etc. I hope your work situation improves. *hugs*

    In other news, my wonderful bf ordered me the retro patch tote and it arrived yesterday. I love it. Its gorgeous! I love that the inside fabric almost matches my wallet exactly. And the snap closure is really strong; I like that. I'll definitely be ordering another bag in the future.

  4. fanks, guys :)

    also, ms. c - had NO idea the bag was for you!! hope you enjoy it! i was superexcited to see an order and was all like AAAAAGGHH OMGSOMEBODYORDEREDONEOFMYBAGSI'MSUPERAWSOMEANDALMOSTFAMOUS! LAKEJGB:LISJOIWRJB and then i had to have a drink.

  5. First of all, I'm going to start prefacing every adjective with "The" now. The Awesome. The Lame. The Amazing. I LOVE IT.
    Second of all...I'm sorry work has been sucking so much lately. I think you're smart to keep your head down for a bit, reevaluate, and stay out of The Crazy (see what I did there?) at work. Tell US your opinions. Fuck the other bitches.

  6. Catching no fucking breaks, eh kid?

    (Kid is SO not the right term to use there, but it felt right to type).

    I had to leave a job because I got way too opinionated, voiced it, pissed off my bosses and co-workers, and did a lot of damage to any credibility I had.

    I sincerely feel your pain.

    Depression and anxiety are fucking pricks. Hard to know what to do next... the only other thing I could suggest at this point would be to try a different medication maybe.

    And ignore the assholes at work as much as humanly possible. Your boss sounds like a dick, no matter your emotional state.