i don't have excuses

i really don't. i just suck and am busy. sorry for the lack of posting.

but i've started on yet *another* lifestyle change.  i downloaded this app from livestrong.org and it's really useful. and it's got a neat little community feature built into the app that is full of ridiculous people who boost each other up.

so it wants me to eat 1400 calories a day.  which is not a lot but, you know.  i weight a lot. 

have i ever disclosed my weight here before?  it's a touchy subject.  i know i'm fat a big girl.  but i never really want to talk about *how* big i am. 

275 pounds.  and that's not my highest weight.  it's just what i am now.

and i wake up in the morning and my hips hurt.  i thought it was how i was sleeping, so i changed that.  maybe i need to stretch or work out.  so i did that.  my hips still hurt.

and i realized it was probably because i'm fat a big girl.

i always rationalized it away... excused it.

• i stopped using drugs, i can enjoy food.
• i stopped drinking sugary soda and switched to diet, i can enjoy food.
• i quit smoking, i can enjoy food.

299 pounds was the first time i really dieted.  i freaked out - i couldn't weigh 300 pounds.  i did slim fast and lost 53 pounds in about 7 months.  and lost ONE clothing size.

how the fuck is that possible?  i went from like a 24/22 to 22/20.  fuck.

anyway.

i gained 18 back when i quit smoking.  and gained a bit more when my mom died and decided to stop cooking and drink all the time.  and i've sort of tried since then.  joined a gym and worked out a bit.  watched what i eat.

but apparently that just doesn't work for me.  i need to track every damn thing that i put in my mouth or i won't lose weight.  so here we are again. 

tomorrow morning is my first weigh in.  i'm nervous as hell because if i didn't lose anything, i'll be sadpanda.  i've eaten under 1500 calories every day for a week except for saturday because i had a party and i still ate A LOT less than i used to eat at parties like that.

i'm also using supplements.  CLA, thermogenic pills, l-carnitine supplements (i call it l-carnosaur.  obvs).  i take a multivitamin and a biotin pill for healthy skin, hair, and nails.  i use replacement shakes to supplement my calorie intake and fill my stomach the fuck up.  so, we'll see.  we'll see.

i don't have an end game - i just want to lose weight.  although i do have my 15 year high school reunion in six months and a cruise just after that.  so i wouldn't mind being a bit thinner then :)

aside from eating better and exercising, i also have one more challenge: to not buy new clothes until i'm down at least a full size.  we'll see how that goes.

what's in a name?

something said on my last blog post made me consider explaining why my blog is named the way it is.  the actual name of my blog is 'it's never too late to save a hopeless case' and the URL is 'justanotherwastedday(dot)whatever'.

both are references to one of my fave bands, less than jake.  one of my favorite songs is 'history of a boring town' from the album hello rockview.  the end of like the first verse is 'she said it's so funny, how life runs out so fast.  it's just another wasted day'.  i was in a strange place when i started this blog.  it was supposed to be fun and funny, an accounting of my life in all its crazy glory.  because i am crazy.  and i was figuring that blogging might give me an outlet, a way to not feel as crazy.  back then i was suffering from obsessive thoughts among other things, along with just always being depressed.

most days felt like wasted days.  wake up, do what i have to do to survive, awesome husband forces me to bathe, eat, sleep.  repeat.  over and over and fucking over again.

yes, there were 'better' days.  trips to disney.  food at epcot.  trips to new york to see family.  hanging with my besties, getting drunk and naked more often than i should admit.  but i wasn't accomplishing anything except another day on the planet.

and the title of the blog: it's never too late to save a hopeless case.  a line from the song 'hopeless case' by less than jake from the album in with the out crowd.  this song is me.  it feels like it was written for me.  i am all of those things, and awesome husband loves me anyway.  here are the lyrics (i don't know what i have to put here to avoid copyright infringement or whatever, but i don't own them and i don't pretend to and OMFGPLEASEDON'TSUEMELESSTHANJAKE)...

i have this feeling inside that i wouldn't like me, if i met me.
seems like a losing fight, if you could see it through my eyes, then you'd believe me.
the truth is that i'm overrated, i can't think straight, i'm formulaic.
the truth is that it's sad to say it, but you can't help me.

you, you don't see me that way, you hear the words that i say,
you just tell me my heart's in the right place,
it's the world that's confused,
and it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

i've always known a ghost like me can disappear in a moment,
i'm my own worst casualty.  anything i touch can be broken.
the truth is that i'm self-destructive, i'm insecure, i'm out of focus.
the truth is that i've had enough, but you still help me.

you, you don't see me that way, you hear the words that i say,
you just tell me my heart's in the right place,
it's the world that's confused,
and it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

you're giving me perspective, it's better than mine.
and i'll still be defective, and you're wasting your time.

and then it repeats a bridge and the chorus because, hello, that's what songs do.  but that song is me.  and awesome husband has always been like that - supportive, loving, willing to hold my hand and tell me it's okay.  he's never stopped trying to help me, never given up on me.  and i am still defective, and sometimes i think he's wasting his time - but he never thinks he is.

i'm at a much different place now, i think.  i'm still crazy as all get out, but i'm more stable.  i'm working outside of the home for the first time in four years - and i like it.  i'm in school.  i'm accomplishing 'things'.  it's not just another wasted day - none of my days are wasted now.  and if they are, it's intentionally because i feel like doing NOTHING.

but i still feel like a hopeless case much of the time.  and i hope that awesome husband always agrees that it's never too late to save a hopeless case.