Friday, June 29, 2012

welp, here we are again.  me, not posting often enough.  you, reading without pants (at least, i hope you are.  i'm currently wearing really short terry cloth shorts because they're the closest thing to 'not pants' i can wear in front of my brother).  i've just been busy.  and the funny thing is i have SO MUCH to say.  i keep having great ideas that i need to blog about... and it just never happens.

i've recently upped my daily dose of 'normal pills' (well, my doctor did) and i've been feeling a bit 'flat'.  anyone who has had experience with antidepressants/antipsychotics/drug dealer doctors/etc knows what flat affect is.  it means you feel like nothing.  yes, you don't feel crippling depression or the need to cry every hour, but you don't really feel happiness or joy or the desire to do anything.

like, i'm going to the gym today.  but i don't really want to.  and i don't really care if i do. 

actually, the only 'things' i'm really feeling are fear and nervousness.  and anxiety a bit, i guess.  the fear part comes from the fact that my brother informed me at 1am that his part of the house is still overrun with earwigs. 

i. fucking. hate. earwigs. 

they are my most hated/feared insecty thingy.  i hate them and scorpions, but thankfully scorpions only exist as pets (to crazy fucking asshats) in new york.  (really, who wants a pet with claws AND a stinger??!??!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?)

?!?!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

we live down by the water.  it's been rainy.  earwigs like dark and wet places.  like the foundation around our house.  and if they can find a way into a home, they're like 'oh, this looks like a fun adventure!  let's see if we can make stephgas chase us around like an idiot and kill me like a champ (sorry, the photos have disappeared but, be assured, they involved me moving couches and attacking a lone earwig with a steel toed boot of awesome husband's). 

earwigs kept popping up this year.  first i found one in the house and awesome husband killed it.  then i found one in the closet where i keep my diet crack cans, right at fucking eye level so i could have a complete fucking freak out before leaving for work.  awesome husband killed it.  then i came home from work one day and there were, like, nine guarding my door.  and i refused to touch the handle, so i banged on the little glass window next to the door until awesome husband came to open the door so i could watch each of them to ensure they weren't going to attack me en masse. 

in this time, my brother started finding earwigs downstairs in his part of the house, which is ground level - not underground at all.  one in the tub, a couple on the floor.  you know.

then, awesome husband, my brother, and sisterfromanothermister all went to atlantic city to see metallica and other bands in this ridiculous festival thingy called the orion festival.  which was set up and started by metallica and had a bunch of great bands.  but was happening IN A FUCKING FIELD IN ATLANTIC CITY IN JUNE and i'm 32 years old and lazy and NOT fucking standing in a fucking field all day to watch a bunch of damn bands.  i am an old lady.  i need a seat in the shade, preferably with a bar withing walking distance. 

plus, i had to work.  and the mets-yankees series was that weekend, and i wanted to watch it.  so, you know.  i stayed home by myself from friday night to like 1am monday morning.

it started innocently enough.  as i was coming home on friday night, an earwig tried to run in the house when i opened the door.  i fucking stomped that bitch and kicked his carcass out the door.  i was hyperventilating the entire time and needed a stiff diet coke before i could do anything else. 

saturday i was in the shower after hitting the gym.  naturally, i was naked, since most people shower without clothes on.  i hate bugs being anywhere i am naked because it's rude and uncomfortable.  so bugs in the kitchen or living room?  i can usually handle (as long as it's not an earwig).  ANY FUCKING BUG in the bathroom or bedroom?  shit's going down.  i've stripped the entire bed at 2am to ensure there are no other bugs after finding one, and have needed tarzipan to get back to sleep.

so saturday, i'm home alone (well, with three lazy and selectively stupid cats) and in the shower.  i throw my towel over the far end of the shower curtain rod thingy so i don't have to traipse across the bathroom sopping wet to get to my towel.  so i turn off the water and grab my towel, wiping my face down first to get the water out of my eyes.  then i kind of open up the towel in front of me because i'm about to start rubbing my body down and I SEE A GODDAMNEDMOTHERFUCKINGOMGINEEDMAPGAS earwig ON MY TOWEL.

there. was. an. earwig. on. my. towel. which. i. was. about. to. dry. my. naked. body. off. with.

do you understand?  do you understand how fucking :LKEJGOBURiowu this was??? i don't even have words.  i was, at the time, speechless.  i couldn't even shriek properly; my throat went dry.

it was one of my worst nightmares: alone, naked, and with an earwig.

i shook the vile thing off the towel into the tub.  i tried to drown it... didn't work.  panicked, i grabbed my hairspray and started spraying it while trying to flush it down the drain.  nothing.  the water must have been washing away the hairspray.  terrified, i turned off the water.  it started coming at me, pincers raised (or walking in the tub, my memory's a little foggy there).  i sprayed it with the hairspray and it slowed down a bit.  so i kept spraying.  for like 18, 19 seconds straight.  it was still moving.  finally, as the hairspray started to dry, the earwig started to die.  it wouldn't go down the fucking drain, so i got like four paper towels and picked it up out of the tub to throw it away. 

stephgas: 2 earwigs: 1.

my brother and sisterfromanothermister came home (along with awesome husband) very late sunday night/early monday morning.  i was up watching 'to catch a predator' and messaging with a friend who i had also got sucked into the show (have a seat.).  my brother and sisterfromanothermister went downstairs and were back up in about 7 minutes.  sisterfromanothermister informed me that the place was lousy with earwigs and she was going home.  my brother told me that he had killed over 20 in like four minutes and that they were everywhere.

my skin started to crawl.  awesome husband and i vowed to go to home depot to get killing tools the next day.

we bought something pet-safe for inside and a 'kill everything that moves' model for outside.  as well as a pet-safe spot spray for killing random earwigs.  we sprayed upstairs, we sprayed downstairs.  we figured we would be fine.

we were wrong.

although we haven't found any more earwigs upstairs and even found a dead one at our front door (HA YOU MOTHER FUCKER), my brother has continued finding them in large numbers downstairs.  in the bathroom.  in the living room.  in the laundry room.  in his dirty laundry.  in his clean laundry.  in his bedroom.  EVERYFUCKINGWHERE.

we haven't sprayed the 'kill everything that moves' spray outside because of time/weather, but it's stopped raining and i'm planning on doing it today.  hopefully that will help.  because my brother woke us around 1 am and said he felt like he was in an episode of 'infested' on animal planet (if you haven't seen this, it's horrifying.  and filled with bugs.  and if you're like me and don't like bugs, i'd recommend avoiding it).  he said he didn't want to stay downstairs. 

i don't blame him.  not one bit. 

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in other news, i'm looking for a big girl job.  i've been circulating my resume and looking for a job with benefits and that pays actual money.  not that i don't love piercing - i do.  i really enjoy it.  but there are no benefits.  and awesome husband wants to go back to school which will mean either leaving his current job or cutting his hours enough that he loses benefits.  and i need medical benefits so i can keep taking my 'normal pills'.  otherwise i get all suicidy and obsessive thoughtsy and stay-in-bed-crying-all-day-and-stop-showeringy.

i'm sure i'll blog more about that soon.  but really, the earwigs are the biggest thing right now.

1 comment:

  1. I TOTALLY had a "shower naked bug" experience last week! Mine was a tick. A motherfucking bloodsucking TICK in my shower. In New England, the land of lyme disease. Hell, I don't even let spiders in my bathroom. They can live in my living room, or my porch, or my garage, and keep out all the other bugs there. But if I'm naked and you're a spider...no.

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