NSFW. i don't know how else to say it. seriously. NSFW. this is not pr0n.

yeah.  that's right.  it's borderline porn.

but with fake bewbz.  really fake.

let me start at the beginning....


my wife (a bestie from high school) loves building and sculpting and artsy things.  and ended up with a job at a company that makes fake cadavers.

yes.  you read that right.

the company makes, like, fake bodies and torsos and shit like that for medical students to learn on.  she's sculpted teensy veins for people to practice, like, veiny shit on.  and she's assembled a body on top of a skeleton by attaching muscles in an anatomically correct way.

seriously.  what a job, right?

anyway, so for reasons undisclosed to me, they were casting bewbz.  like, i don't know if someone requested them or what, but they could hide things in the breast to have people search for them.

no, not like matchbox cars and toys.  like, fake tumors and shit.  get it?  great idea, right?

so they cast some bewbz of the workers.  they had small and medium bewbz, but needed large bewbz.

you see where this is going now, right?  now, if you're offended by pictures of big girls partially clothed and fake breasts (seriously, i promish- nothing is real here) don't scroll down.




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seriously, you better be okay with this.  i'm either about to lose all of my followers or get attacked by pr0n bots.


and if you are related to me or otherwise queasy about seeing a lifelike replica of my actual breast (or my beautiful gut hanging over my jeans) then turn back now!


for the rest of you...  enjoy our feature presentation 'the making of the BEWBZ'

wife's other better half and wife mixing stuff

'instamold - for all your BEWBZ casting needs'

using an ancient flour sifter to sift the powdery crap.  my beaver was cast in the sink as well.  yes, an actual toy beaver.  sickos.

being felt up by wife and wife's other better half.  in the name of science, or something.

more fondling.  the stuff set faster than i think any of us expected.

wife's other better half copping an extra feel.  can you blame him?

the first cast! we never used that bowl again.

it was strange looking at it.  i didn't think my tatas were that cavernous.

so we did that casting in late april.  then went out to dinner.  and probably drank or something.  weeks go by, they turn into months... it turns out it's a lot harder to make bewbz than any of us thought.

but the process was fun.  it was nice to get surprise emails or picture messages on my phone with my boob in some state of being created.

april 25th - the naming of the bewbz - 'titzilla' is born!

may 3rd - the mold being created

may 3rd - the mold.  i also have a photo of my wife wearing it as a hat.... :/

july 7th, what i believe to be the first working prototype.

'working prototype' meaning 'being able to be fondled' of course.

i also have a RIDICULOUS video of my wife slapping my bewbz around.  not my real bewbz... we never tape stuff like that.  i mean titzilla.  it's pretty hysterical. *goes to watch it and laugh for a few minutes*

okay.  so a couple of weeks ago i received photos from my wife on the final bewbz, TITZILLA!!!

this is my bewbz.  it is my right bewbz.  i went with righty because she's a bit more hefty.

the shape is pretty much right on.  big bewbz sag and pull down a bit.  sorry fellas, but it's true.

i must be honest, my nipple area is not quite that pink.  but it inspired me to start rouging my nipples.

yeah, rouging nipples.  look it up, it was done.  nipples used to be considered, like, fashionable.  not anymore, sadly.

and now, for the coup de grace.  thank you for bearing with me and my BEWBZ on this exciting journey.  if you have been a long-time reader (yeah, like a few months) you may remember i got the "nice rack" award a while back.  and that semi true torystellar called me out, saying my BEWBZ pictures were not worthy.

well, here you go torystellar.  how are these??

no caption necessary, i think.

epic, just epic. thanks, wife and her company that shall remain nameless at the bequest of the owner.

you might wonder why i did it?


who gets to do something like this?  how many times in my life am i going to be asked 'hey, can we cast your boob?'  the answers are 'no one' and 'never again'.

and, hey, i'm getting more action than ever before.  there are potentially hundreds of students groping me as we speak.  how many people do you know that can say THAT?

that's right, just one: STEPH MOTHERFUCKIN' GAS!

do over

okay so apparently some people are calling shenanigans on my bewbz pictures that i posted as part of accepting my nice rack blog award.  now, in my defense i went through all the photos i have on my computer, which constist of basically every picture i've taken since 2004.

which means photos of my wedding, my honeymoon, my cats, disney, and two major car accidents that i was in. 

and not as much bewbage as you'd expect.  and the bewbz that were in my records were actually, well, bewbz.  like, fully naked bewbz from when i took photos of my nipple rings.  back when i had them.  because they migrated.

yes.  shutup.

so i was like, i guess i'll have to take new pictures that kind of showcase the bewbz a bit more.  also in my defense, i don't have a fully anonymous blog so my friends and family members read this.  including (possibly) my brother.  who hasn't ever seen my bewbz and neither of us has any desire to change that.

of course, almost everyone else that i know has seen my bewbz.  numerous times.

ANYWAY. 

here.

my bewbz in a ghostbuster shirt. you know you jealous.

more bewbz.  BEWBZ i tell you.

that's right, bitches.  these are my BEWBZ.  werd 2 yo momma.

offers and bewbz. not related.

first the offers part.  we have had two offers on the house, both for MORE than the asking price.  i am still perplexed by the real estate market and buying houses.  however, none of that matters because i have a great agent and am probably going to closing within 35 days.  we're accepting an offer today.

we listed the house monday.  LAST monday.  monday april 11. today is friday april 15. 

yup.  i'm just that awesome.

the best offer came from someone who saw the house last night.  it was a last minute showing and i'd already started dinner (empanadas).  so the smell of my delicious, non-authentic, columbian inspired emapandas was wafting through the house.

and they called my agent two hours later to inform her of the offer.

lesson: always have fresh flowers out AND empanads in your oven if you want to sell your house in a week.

obviously.

so i got this award from torystellar at can u relate?.  and it's the nice rack award.

i totes deserve this.

but it dictates that i pass it on to others as well as show a photo of my rack.  now, as much as i love my bewbz, the fact is that most of the photos i have of them are not suitable for posting online.

not because i'm ashamed or don't want you to see my migrated nipple rings.  seriously.  but because blogger would be all 'ZOMG IT'S A PLUS SIZE PRON BLOG' and shut my shit down.

yes, i actually do have a photo of one of my nipple rings migrating.  it's interesting, and sad because i loved having my nipples pierced.  once we're settled in new york again, i'm going to go a piercer recommended by sisterfromanothermister who thinks i should be able to repierce them.  fingers crossed.

anyway.  i went through the archives to find photos showcasing my bewbz while not bordering on porn.  have fun.

these are my bewbz circa 2008.  they still look basically the same.

bewbz circa 2009, after i chopped all my hair off.  that mark is from awesome husband beating me.  okay, no it's not.  it's probably from a cat stepping on me.  i have sensitive skin.

my bewbz with my brother, sisterfromanothermister, and awesome husband june 2010.

my bewbz in new york, march 2011.

yeah, i know.  pretty lame.  i feel like i should find an excuse to dress up and take tit pics (especially for stephaniec.  since she asked so nicely).  i'm sure i'll fine more bewbz pics that i'll share.  i'm practically OBLIGATED to share them now that i've gotten this nice rack award.

and now i get to pass it to some other bloggers.  i've decided to give it to people whose bewbz i wouldn't mind seeing.  not in a creepy stalker way.  i promise.

ergh.  that was awkward.

anyway, here goes.

-stephanie c at seriously?? reeeally? seriously? because i should take my chances now before she's all married.
-nicki at the loaded handbag because i don't totally have a crush on her.
-sarah p at naked cupcakes because i feel that the title of her blog alone warrants me asking her to show me her, well, cupcakes.
-the barreness at, um, the barreness, because i need to know if they're better than nigella lawson's.  it could be imperative to my fantasies research.

and i should like get back into actual blogging, and not this half assed phoning-it-in kind of crap.  one day.  i promise.  but it might not be for a while.  you might have to put up with packing and rental-house-hunting bullshit for now.