Thursday, January 13, 2011


i went to the doctor today.  i've been sick for eleven days.  and my medication won't be ready at the pharmacy until tomorrow.

sometimes i feel like many illnesses have a psychosomatic element to them.  i usually start feeling better as soon as i know what's wrong and i have medication for it.

when i got home from the doctor today, i felt worse.  my temperature was 96.4 degrees.  i am still coughing at least as much - if not more - than i was earlier today.  and when awesome husband came home and looked at me, he told me i looked really sick.


but seriously,  this has probably been one of the worst weeks since my life changed forever.  i mean, our lives change forever every day, with every decision we make. 

but november 21st will always be a date i remember now.  it was barely november 21st.  it was 12:38am when my cell phone rang.

i don't know if it is because of my cold, or my craziness, or my lack of eating tarzipan.  i don't know if it is because of the holiday season being over, or knowing a friend is moving far away to make a new life for herself, or i'm really really really superhomesick.  and no, florida is not my home.  i don't know if it is because i gained twenty pounds back, or i don't want to cook anymore, or i'm sick of taylor peeing on things.

i really miss my mom.

she had already been in new york for a week when it all happened.  sometimes i want to pick up the phone and call her in new york, let her know what's going on.  more often that i care to admit.

when we were in new york for the holidays, i wanted to pick up the phone and call her in florida, see how the cats were doing and make sure she was eating more than cheezey poofs and pepperoni for dinner.

and i look at the pile of paperwork on my sewing table, sorted into stacks:  things to take care of, things taken care of, notes to write, thank you cards to send, death certificates to send in. 

and i look towards her room: my favorite sweater of hers on the desk, a box of paperwork on the bed, her opal ring on the dresser, piglet curled up on her pillow.

and i look at the bar where i used to keep my laptop when i wasn't using it, and instead i see a beautiful rock salt urn, rich pink shot through with dark mauve and off white.

i have to keep reminding myself not to buy ginger ale because there's no one at home to drink it.

i really miss my mom today.


  1. Sweetheart, I know some days its really hard. And you do have a lot going on, being sick always seems to make it worse. Try to get rest and take care of yourself. ((((((Steph))))))

  2. I can't imagine what you're going through but my heart goes out to you.

    I hope you get well soon.

  3. I want to call you Sweetie, but I think you would probably kick me in the nuts I don't have if I called you that.

    You are so allowed to feel this way, and it fucking blows. Make sure you post or cross post to Band Back Together. I've read so many of the same things about waiting for your mom to come through the door, or wanting to call her.

    I personally find January to be a hard/depressing month anyway after the holiday rush. Add in true, fresh grief and feeling sick, and the odds are so against you feeling happy.

    If you ever want a phone call, or to email or IM, just let me know.

    I hope the hurt eases soon, steph.

  4. Very sorry about your loss. Losing a mom is a really tough stage of life. Our one and only who loved us like no other. Hoping you feel better real soon.

  5. I truly can't imagine how this feels. Words can't make you feel better my love. But expressing your emotions has to help. HUGS and sending mental love your way.

    Start taking care of yourself. In every aspect and little by little I guarantee you'll feel better. I've gained 20 pounds too since I quit my job back in July and it's a weird feeling knowing I ate my way through anxiety. But all you can do is move forward, without forgetting the past.

  6. Ah jaysus. Such a tough post to read. My heart aches for you. A step at a time, a step at a time, I guess.