Tuesday, August 17, 2010

married.... without children

kids are great. don't get me wrong. i like kids. my friends have this absolutely adorable babeh that i absolutely love visiting with. she's super happy, well behaved, ridiculously cute, and is usually afraid of me for some reason. but she likes awesome husband, even with his terrorist beard.

well, anyway. i like kids. i have twin half sisters that were born when i was 16. my best friend's little brother was born when we were like 14 and i babysat him all. the. time. when i was little i used to help take care of my brother. i'm well versed in changing diapers, burping, dressing, bathing, putting down, playing with, and entertaining small children.

that doesn't mean i want to have any of my own. i have cats. three of them, in fact. and they take up enough of my patience... ergh, time. awesome husband doesn't want any kids. neither of us want to have our own children.

and i cannot tell you how hard it is to get other people to believe that.

it's like the only reason two adults would get married would be to procreate. um, no. there are tax breaks. and also the excuse to have a sweet party AND a vacation. seriously - my wedding day was easily one of the happiest days of my life. i got to share it with all my closest friends and family members, and awesome husband and i were able to publicly proclaim our love for each other and celebrate it with them. i know it's mushy. but it's true - and i would do it again in a heartbeat (if someone else was footing the bill).

and while there are a few reasons we got married, having children was not one. i mean, if we wanted children, there is no reason for us to have gotten married to pop one out. it's not like my uterus was under construction until we signed the marriage certificate. it was working perfectly well for the seven and a half years we dated before we married.

no matter how many times we both say 'we're not having children' to the same family members, they keep asking us about having kids. the day after we announced our engagement, one of his family members asked us when we'd start having kids. we didn't even have a date for the wedding yet! luckily, both my mother and father are fine with the no-kids idea. and i have a pretty small family, and none of them are that interested or involved in my life that they feel the need to constantly ask about my uterus and it's possible future.

but awesome husband comes from a large, over involved, loving italian family. who delight in asking us repeatedly if/when we're having children. they like to tell us about dreams they have where i'm pregnant with twins *shudder* repeatedly. we currently live in florida, and are planning a move back to our home of new york - where all the family still lives. of course, they assumed that we're coming back to new york to procreate.

le sigh.

but you get used to it. you get used to the pointed glances at your stomach during family holiday celebrations, wondering whether you gained a few more pounds or if you might be expecting. you get used to the repeated fights with your husband where you swear the next time someone asks you, you'll run from the room crying and leave him to pick up the pieces (i still have not done this... yet.)

what i can't get used to is how strangers or loose acquaintances feel the urge to not only ask about my child-having plans, but to berate me for them. yes, seriously. i had a devout catholic tell me that awesome husband and i shouldn't have sex since we're not planning on having a child. because sex shouldn't be used for pleasure, or as an act of love, but solely for procreation. so we should only have sex if we are actively trying to get pregnant.


this is one of the main reasons i don't have any friends on facebook that i don't actually know or work with.

i don't feel that there is anything missing from my life because i'm childless. i have a wonderful family, three ridiculous cats, a loving awesome husband, and friends who are dear to me. i see no reason to have to add a child to the mix to be complete. not to mention, i'm batshit crazy and having kids would probably make me even more crazy.

but anyway, not everyone gets married to have kids. and not everyone who has kids gets married. the two are not really dependent on each other. and if you happen to ask a friend or family member about having kids, and they say they're not planning on it, let it go. don't keep asking. don't say 'that's what so and so said, and now they have two kids'. don't wonder aloud who will take care of them when they're older. don't ask about the gaping hole you assume they have in their heart, or why they don't want to have kids, or if there is a problem with their bits and pieces that prohibits them from having kids.

they may be like me, and just not want kids. they may have fertility or other health issues that mean they cannot have kids. either way, you'll just be bringing up ideas or feelings or whatever that they may not want to deal with at that time.

here's an idea: worry about your own testes and ovaries. and leave ours alone. my uterus is perfectly happy, if not a bit irregular, and while it appreciates your concern, it's completely unwarranted.


  1. Okay, can I tell you that I have three AMAZING kids but realize that dram isn't for everyone. And as for the Catholic telling you not to have sex for pleasure....ahem...pardon me while I get on my soapbox for a moment.

    IF GOD DIDN"T WANT US TO ENJOY SEX FOR SEX, HE WOULDN"T HAVE MADE IT PLEASURABLE~~~!!! Hello? Who out there really believes that cats and dogs and beavers and such enjoy it like we do? Really? I think not. You rock on with your childless life. I wish I was you sometimes. Not often, only when my perfect children are being somewhat less than perfect. It happens. mostly they are awesome.

  2. did you know that the clitoris has only one function, and that's for pleasurable stimulation? it doesn't serve any purpose aside from that. so if we're not supposed to actively ENJOY sex.... why does it exist?

  3. Um...I'm officially happy dancing right now.

    I have written many MANY a post about the joys of childlessness.

    And even though cancer ate my ovaries (yea, boo hoo), I never wanted house apes-err...blessings of joy (wretch) any damned way, and I am sick TO DEATH of people asking me why.

    Rock on with your bad, childness self, Steph, and pity the Catholics who apparently haven't the slightest clue about the purpose of the clitoris (one of the may reasons that being a woman is totally freaking awesome).

    Oh, and while you're at it, you can go ahead and (in your childless state) travel, eat out, buy shoes, travel, party, take time for yourslef, read...


    - B x

  4. i think that's the worst part about it, barreness - the 'why'. do i really need some kind of listing for you to approve as to why i don't want children? did anyone have to provide a list for why they did want children?

    actually, there should be a questionnaire before you are able to procreate. that way, we wouldn't end up with horrible parents who mistreat their children and then inflict them on us.

  5. so new follower here--but I just wanted to say how much I loved this rant. I really think you should publish it somewhere to (hopefully) get people to shut the hell up about your uterus. I mean, I don't have kids now...why? BECAUSE I'M SELFISH and I can totally admit it. it's like barreness said--travel! party! don't worry about being hungover for the PTA meeting!

    Also, it needs to be said that the line "worry about your own testes and ovaries. and leave ours alone." is genius. please make up some "worry about your own ovaries" t-shirts. man, I would rock that. hell, I would rock a "worry about your own testes" shirt.

    thanks for the read!

  6. @nicki - thanks for that :D and thanks for following! i also would probably rock the hell out of a 'worry about your own ovaries' tee shirt. it also might make a cute button. hmm... i may have to get to work on that.