Wednesday, November 3, 2010

it's not that i don't like babies, i just prefer crabs.

now i know that some of my friends may be reading this, and i'm not naming any names.  but if you are pregnant and reading this and may have just announced your pregnancy on facebook today, don't like take this personally.  i mean, no preggers people should take this personally.  i'm all for making babehs.  i like sex as much as the next gal.  seriously.

and i'm totally cool with our decision not to have babehs.  like, in my most calm, lucid, wise moments i know i do not want children.  awesome husband and i have discussed it at length.  i get angry when people ask us why we're waiting, or when we'll start a family.  i get super upset when family members assume i'll change my mind - 'oh, that's what (fill in whatever woman's name here) always said, and now look at her, she has two children!  you guys will change your minds'.

nothing is ever 100% certain - but we don't plan on changing our minds.  we. do. not. want. children.

so why am i super sad, sitting at my computer practically crying because another of my friends from high school announced her pregnancy?  can i tell you that i have 130 friends on facebook (and i actually know almost all of them in person - like 5 or 6 are co-workers or long-time internet buddies).

six of my friends on facebook are currently pregnant.  it seems like a lot, i guess.  and it's not that i'm not super happy for them - it's great that they are having children and are stoked about it.  but... i don't want kids.

right?  i decided i didn't want kids eleven years ago.  for eleven years i've known i don't want my own children.  for eleven years i've watched my sister-in-law and quite a few close friends have teeny babehs, which are super cute and i can buy adorable little things for - and then send them home with their parents.

i do not want children.  i have asked numerous times to have my plumbing removed (not to be gross and cross over that TMI line, but my plumbing is all kinds of fucked up already anyway, and we're not sure that it would even work properly).  awesome husband and i have had quite a few conversations about vasectomies and tubal ligations.  (i have refused to have a tubal because they will stick a needle in my belly button.  i promish, one day there will be a post about my issue with my belly button.  awesome husband is very non-commital about the vasectomy thing.  which makes me think he does want children and will eventually leave me to have them with someone else.  but that's the crazy talking.)

plus, with the amount of drugs that awesome husband and i (but mostly him) ingested between 1992 and 2000, i can't imagine that we'd even have an actual babeh.  i'd probably give birth to a fucking fish with wings or something like that.

is that biological clock that so many women claim to hear ticking that strong?  will my hormones really try to make my brain stop paying attention and make me want to have a babeh?

honestly, i have cats.  and i know, it's not the same as having children.  but samantha just jumped up on my desk, pushed my term paper and a binder to the floor, and settled down on my pile of bills.  she keeps hitting the mouse with her tail, which she is flicking around and there is cat hair everywhere.

why would i need children?

i suppose at 30.6 years old, my biological clock has started to metaphorically tick LIKE THIS.  either i'm getting a tubal soon, or awesome husband will have to suck it up and have a vasectomy.  fun times.  fun times.

although, this does explain why i was so INTENT on getting my hermit crabs last weekend.  the nurturing urge is stepping in and making me want to expand my family.

who's got a 20-gallon aquarium for me?


  1. Are you SURE? LOL Because it really sounds like you might want children.

    Girl, children are not for everbody. Good for you for knowing what you want, and don't want. *internet hugs*

  2. i know, seriously. it's like my ovaries are trying to convince my brain that having a kid is a good idea. seriously - i can barely take care of myself and my cats. my brain knows i don't want kids. i just have to get my hormones on board.

  3. I'm still deciding whether I want children. But I lol'd at the title because I was thinking you were going to talk about genital crabs!

  4. I decided when I was 14 that I didn't want to have any kids, (i'm 28 in a few days now) and I have heard all of the same things.. You will change your mind when you meet the right guy and yadda yadda yadda. Nope, still don't want kids and I think everyone should just accept the fact and stop trying to push us into something we don't want because it's the "normal" thing to do..

  5. Good for you for not letting your hormones rule you. Goddamn hormones. Seriously, if I could get rid of them without growing a beard or other crazy side effects, I would. And goddamn facebook. Every other day some domestically blissful goddess is like I AM SO HAPPY MY FAMILY AND I ARE SHITTING GOD'S RAINBOWS. Fuck you and your rainbow bowels. FUCK. YOU.

  6. lol@nicki. shitting god's rainbows.

    i love you guys.

    you're so funny.

    but seriously: who has a 20-gallon aquarium? awesome husband said that i have to find one cheap or free before i'm allowed to get crabs.

  7. Okay, so I'm a bit behind in my reading and commenting. However when I read the title of your post I thought to myself "you know, I like crabs too, and maybe if I hadn't started having babehs I could afford to actually eat some once in a while.

    I think it's good that you know your own mind. Although a fish with wings would be kinda cool if you thought about it.... Anyway, tell you what, when this summer rolls around I'll send all 3 of mine to you to reinforce your belief. I'll tell them they are going to Steph's black sheep summer camp, but they have to pack their own duct tape and tazers. *wink*

    BTW, you have another award over at my blog.

  8. You know what? At 30.4 years old, I am tired of the whole "OMFG I am engaged!" statuses that modify slightly, then announce stag and does, then bitch about wedding planning...

    Then profile pics of their rings, then of their wedding day.

    Then a little while later their sonogram, then the hospital baby photos, then they usually disappear into oblivion for a while (well, at least the good friends you would still WANT to hang around).

    I hate it, and you know what?

    When the time comes, I am going to be one of those stupid-ass, shitting god's rainbows with extra glitter types who will end up doing the same.

    And I hate it.

    I am terrified of babies. I am so fucked up, what if I transfer that to them?