Thursday, April 7, 2011

eating tarzipan instead of doing adult shit

yup.  i'm eating tarzipan and blogging instead of doing things i have to do.  some days, i just wake up and hate just about everything for no reason.  i don't know what's wrong, specifically.  just everything is wrong.  here's a list of things that are wrong, that make me angry, or that i hate today:

  1. the fact that the home investment company we emailed on sunday still hasn't called us back.  they guaranteed a written offer on our home in 48 hours.  which was up.  yesterdayish.  and if they're not going to make us an offer (i can't refuse, lol had to get that in there) then i want to call a proper realtor and list the house asap.
  2. the fact that the stupid fraternal order of police keeps calling me.  i know you want money from me, i get it.  but don't fucking call early in the morning when i'm full of anger and still in bed.  because then i have to run across the house in my underwear to get the phone, just to see it's you.  when i was hoping it was more like #1.
  3. the fact that i haven't finished our taxes yet.  and we're getting money back.  but finishing our taxes means i have to finish mom's taxes.  and she owes money.  and i don't really think i should have to pay it.  also, it just seems so final.  i don't want to do her taxes.  even though they're basically already done and i just have to review them and pull the trigger to e-file.  whatever.
  4. the fact that i've started packing and don't feel like finishing.  there is A LOT to pack.  but we are not bringing a lot of shit with us.  like, quite a bit of the furniture is getting trashed/sold before we leave.  and our dishes.  because they keep chipping and i'm not transporting them to new york.  especially because i found a service for 8 that my mother had in a box somewhere.  i thought my brother had those dishes.  apparently not.
  5. the fact that i have to work today.  it's not that i dislike my job, per se.  but i don't love all of the people i work with.  and i just don't fucking want to do it today.  i want to go lie in bed most of the day and watch 'twilight'.  or 'alice in wonderland'.  or 'venture bros.'
  6. the fact that i'm missing spring in new york.  i know, it's really barely springish there at this point.  but it's one of my favorite times of year.  and all fall i was psyching myself up that i wouldn't have to wait another year to live through spring in new york first hand.  and then all that shit happened (you know, the mom dying thing?  that) and now i've procrastinated long enough that the house isn't sold and we're still here.
  7. and i also hate that procrastination.  i don't want to do it.  whatever it is, i don't want to do it now.  i'll do it later.  later never comes.  it's not like i NEVER procrastinated before, but now it's like constant.  if it doesn't have to do with drinking, starbucks, or shopping, i will put it off until later.  could i have cleaned the house this morning?  i sure could have, but i'll wait until tomorrow.  could i be doing the fucking taxes now?  sure could, but i'm not.  could i be doing my homework now?  yup, but i'll do it later.
now i'm just waiting for the tarzipan to kick in.  hopefully it's soon. 

i spoke to my doctor a couple of months ago about using/abusing the tarzipan.  i mean, it's generic klonopin, and it might be the lowest dosage pill available, but it's still fucking klonopin.  it's not baby aspirin.  and i told him that i was using it four or five days a week, and i was worried that i might become like addicted to it.  he basically laughed and was like, dude - it's the smallest dose of klonopin known to mankind.  you're a big girl, you'll be fine. 

but i've been thinking about it.  i'm a recovering addict basically.  i haven't used illicit drugs in nine and a half years.  generally, people do drugs to escape - they want to feel what the drugs make them feel, not what they are actually feeling.  isn't that what the tarzipan is doing for me?  i take it so i don't have these anxious, panicky, scared, angry, hateful, debilitating feelings.  and my doctor prescribes it for that use.

but still - where is the line that i might cross that means i'm no longer USING the tarzipan but ABUSING it?  and the scary part is when i ask myself 'how much do i care about that line?' the answer is 'not at all'.


  1. Dude, how much are you taking?

    I take 1mg at night... At one point in my life I was taking 1.75mg a day.

    They say you shouldn't be on it for more than 3 months because it's habit forming, but I was on it for a stretch of 8 years non-stop.

    Back on it again.

    I honestly wouldn't be worried that you are abusing it. You are just using it to treat legit symptoms you have.

    And I can soooo relate to putting things off. Cleaning. Returning things to the store. Mailing stuff. Filling out insurance forms.

    It all gets put off... unless it's drinking, shopping, or a good coffee (bought not made).

    It's depression just sucking away all of the energy that's there. It'll get better eventually (so I'm told). Hang in. And put some Bailey's in your Starbucks for me.

  2. @stephaniec - you truly are my canadian sisterfromanothermister. i'm on the 0.5mg baby pills. and sometimes i cut them in half. because it's just enough to take the edge off without making me like supersleepy and catatonic. i try not to take it daily though, i think that helps.

    AND i filed my taxes. finally. so there is that.

  3. All that you wrote? I get it. It is me. It is you. It is others and it sucks! Your first paragraph helped me, in that I realized I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

  4. number 4, 5 and 7 are basically my life stories lol.

  5. I think the fact that you are questioning is a great sign. It means that no, you're not abusing---but you're aware of the downfall of medication. That awareness is what separates you from the rest of the pack. Well, that and the fact that yeah--you're on baby pills. And you even cut them in half.

    And the taxes thing? RIDICULOUS. I think being deceased should just draw your balance to a null. And yeah, you shouldn't have to pay it. I hope you won't have to. And I hope you breeze on into New York as soon as possible.

  6. i heart you guys. i really do.

  7. What is up with that Fraternal Police thing in Florida? You know, once we moved to Atlanta and then here to Colorado, I never, ever received another call for that.

    And the rest of your post made me cry because it is saying a lot of things I have been feeling myself and it helps to know there are others out there that are as frustrated as me.

  8. I truly think you don't need to be worried. It's a really small dose, and it helps.

    No need to have things any harder for yourself if something can help, especially now. So much change in your life in such a short period of time.

    And part of anxiety disorders is the unknown.

    Anyway, I heart you and want you to feel safe and secure on your dose.