- the fact that the home investment company we emailed on sunday still hasn't called us back. they guaranteed a written offer on our home in 48 hours. which was up. yesterdayish. and if they're not going to make us an offer (i can't refuse, lol had to get that in there) then i want to call a proper realtor and list the house asap.
- the fact that the stupid fraternal order of police keeps calling me. i know you want money from me, i get it. but don't fucking call early in the morning when i'm full of anger and still in bed. because then i have to run across the house in my underwear to get the phone, just to see it's you. when i was hoping it was more like #1.
- the fact that i haven't finished our taxes yet. and we're getting money back. but finishing our taxes means i have to finish mom's taxes. and she owes money. and i don't really think i should have to pay it. also, it just seems so final. i don't want to do her taxes. even though they're basically already done and i just have to review them and pull the trigger to e-file. whatever.
- the fact that i've started packing and don't feel like finishing. there is A LOT to pack. but we are not bringing a lot of shit with us. like, quite a bit of the furniture is getting trashed/sold before we leave. and our dishes. because they keep chipping and i'm not transporting them to new york. especially because i found a service for 8 that my mother had in a box somewhere. i thought my brother had those dishes. apparently not.
- the fact that i have to work today. it's not that i dislike my job, per se. but i don't love all of the people i work with. and i just don't fucking want to do it today. i want to go lie in bed most of the day and watch 'twilight'. or 'alice in wonderland'. or 'venture bros.'
- the fact that i'm missing spring in new york. i know, it's really barely springish there at this point. but it's one of my favorite times of year. and all fall i was psyching myself up that i wouldn't have to wait another year to live through spring in new york first hand. and then all that shit happened (you know, the mom dying thing? that) and now i've procrastinated long enough that the house isn't sold and we're still here.
- and i also hate that procrastination. i don't want to do it. whatever it is, i don't want to do it now. i'll do it later. later never comes. it's not like i NEVER procrastinated before, but now it's like constant. if it doesn't have to do with drinking, starbucks, or shopping, i will put it off until later. could i have cleaned the house this morning? i sure could have, but i'll wait until tomorrow. could i be doing the fucking taxes now? sure could, but i'm not. could i be doing my homework now? yup, but i'll do it later.
i spoke to my doctor a couple of months ago about using/abusing the tarzipan. i mean, it's generic klonopin, and it might be the lowest dosage pill available, but it's still fucking klonopin. it's not baby aspirin. and i told him that i was using it four or five days a week, and i was worried that i might become like addicted to it. he basically laughed and was like, dude - it's the smallest dose of klonopin known to mankind. you're a big girl, you'll be fine.
but i've been thinking about it. i'm a recovering addict basically. i haven't used illicit drugs in nine and a half years. generally, people do drugs to escape - they want to feel what the drugs make them feel, not what they are actually feeling. isn't that what the tarzipan is doing for me? i take it so i don't have these anxious, panicky, scared, angry, hateful, debilitating feelings. and my doctor prescribes it for that use.
but still - where is the line that i might cross that means i'm no longer USING the tarzipan but ABUSING it? and the scary part is when i ask myself 'how much do i care about that line?' the answer is 'not at all'.