'clonazepam' sounds kind of like i'm a scientist cloning marzipan.

which i am clearly not.  i'm a batshit crazy big girl, who now gets to add clonazepam, aka klonopin, to my possibly daily regime.  


i had a doctor's appointment this morning.  btw, 'this morning' did not go 'well'.  i slept like absolute shite last night for some reason, stole all of the blankets from awesome husband (but left him the sheet) and had to wake up early, make his sammich, and drive him to work.  so i couldn't just go back to napping.  we picked up some coffee, i dropped him off, ran inside to put on some makeup, and off to the drug dealer i go.


he only kept me waiting like 20 minutes past appointment time, which seems to be par for this course.  in his little exam room, we discuss how i'm liking pristiq.  i have no major side effects.  i'm still kind of sleepy.  i keep getting these fierce, really short headaches (possibly the brain zap i've read so much about?).  i feel a bit flat.  but other than that, i feel pretty good.  UNTIL i have an anxiety or panic attack.  which is a couple of times a week.  and i was thinking, doc, maybe i could try like xanax?  also, pristiq is hella expensive, is generic zoloft an option?


and he tells me that he thinks zoloft won't cut it at this point.  i'm responding well to pristiq, and even a high dosage of zoloft probably will not produce similar results.  if i really want to, i can try effexor, but he has this magical 50% off pristiq card that he can give me.  oh, and here's a script for clonazepam.   take it as needed.


oh.  well, then.  that sounds more like it.  $30 a month for pristiq (after this magical card works) and $10 for as-needed-be-less-crazy pills?  which he said i can easily break in half and make them last longer?  good tip, doc.  this sounds do-able.  where do i sign up?


so he gives me the magical pristiq card, my script, and a note to come back next month.  i take care of a few errands, mom and i go out to lunch at applebee's, and i drop off my prescription.  more errands, and then it's time to get my new magical 50% off pristiq and fast-reacting crazy pills.


the pharmacist rings me up.  'ooph,' he says, ' $66.69 for the pristiq.'


um, no.  not correct, my good man.  i inform him i have insurance with a copay of only $60, plus that magical half-off-pristiq-even-with-insurance card (i called to be sure - as long as it's not government run like medicaid/care or va prescription coverage, i can use it).  his response is that the computer is giving me 50% off, but my insurer doesn't cover pristiq.


um.  once again.  no.  i checked with them.  it's a tier three.  it's $60.  i know how insurance works, and that means you give me pills, i give you $60, we're square.  he then tells me the codes that the insurance company computer thingy are showing are like gibberish.


really?  does insurance not make sense to you? my mother worked for a large health insurance provider for like my entire fucking life.  i find myself getting angry and frustrated at this young looking like 22 year old 'pharmacist' who obviously doesn't know how to work with the insurance's computer system.  i'm contemplating asking him what the codes are.  when he says 'i'll just call them again.'


good idea.  suddenly, they DO cover pristiq.  as a tier three drug.  with a $60 copay.


me: one, publix pharmacy: zero.


or so i thought.  now it's something about a split bill?  it will take some time to make a split bill for the 50% off magical pristiq card.  le sigh.  thank gods i'm getting more medication out of this.  i'll sit down.


a few minutes later, they ask if i NEED the medication today.  i'm thinking to myself, do they know what that is for?  do they realized how close i am to jumping this counter, throttling them, and stealing all the glucometers (because i like them)?  


but i try to be 'normal'.  so i'm like, well, not really NEED.  but can i have the klonopin now?


because i think i really may need it.  i don't say that out loud.  but i'm SCREAMING it in my head.


the second pharmacist, the one that is like all grown up and looks like she might know about life, the universe, and everything, takes me aside away from the other pharmacist, and tells me they just want to be sure to bill it properly, so they'll have the head pharmacist do it first thing in the morning. if it's billed out wrong, the insurance company may try to make you pay for it in full.  


hmmm... this sounds ridiculous, but far be it from me to argue when it might save me money.  plus, the clonazepam is in my hand.  i hear them jingling about in their beautiful amber container.  


okay, i can come back for the pristiq tomorrow.  big smiles and thank you's all around.


me: one.  publix pharmacy: one.  well played, pharmacy, well played.


i came home and told my mom what happened.  and said that at the pharmacy, i was thinking that they better give me the clonazapam because now i really fucking need it.  and she started laughing quite a bit. i'm glad to know we still have a sick sense of humor.  because it is funny.  picture me, losing my rag at the pharmacy counter, trying to snatch the clonazepam from the pharmacist because THEY PISSED ME OFF.  it is funny.  if i was as talented as annah at red means go, i'd illustrate it.  but i'm not that talented.  so there's that.


now here i am, at home.  with a bottle full of clonazepam.  and i'm actually terrified of taking one, because i might like fall asleep and not be able to cook dinner.  and my other crazy friend is like 'omg, if you need it TAKE IT'.


so instead, i blogged.  i figured it made the most sense.


and now, thinking it through, i could always prep dinner now, and make awesome husband throw it together later if i really do pass the fuck out.


yes.  i like that idea.