yesterday, i had a horrible day.
most people have a bad day and say things like:
i couldn't get my car started.
i felt so sick, i could barely get out of bed.
i couldn't get my hair right.
i ran out of milk/sugar/coffee/whatever, and it just got my day started off wrong.
i found my fish dead in it's tank.
i lost my favorite pair of socks.
all of these are bad ways to start your day. some are worse than others. being woken up at 6:40am by a nurse who is just about to go off shift letting you know that your grandfather isn't doing well is probably a pretty bad way to start your day. i've had all of these starts to 'bad days' (yes, even the grandfather one. and we didn't make it to the hospital before he died because my father had to take a shower....)
yesterday? i woke up with awesome husband. i went into the kitchen to make him his lunch (we learned that if he didn't have lunch/money/time, he'd just NOT EAT LUNCH. and that's not cool. so i make it for him every day now.). i peed. i kissed him goodbye. i got back into bed to watch the today show....
and the bottom fell out. why? was it something matt lauer said? i mean, i know i'm not the biggest meredith viera fan, but really. i sat in bed for about 40 minutes (which is normal, i usually watch a bit of television before starting my day) and fell deeper into the pit. then i spent another 20 minutes trying to force myself to put my contacts in and get out of bed and on with my day. then i spent 10 playing with piglet. FINALLY i got out of bed and sort of got dressed and mostly washed my face. got a bowl of cereal. there was milk in the house. let the cat in. ate my cereal. let the fucking cat back out.
and sunk deeper. what was happening? i have this medication! i sleep regularly! i'm eating better! WHAT THE FUCK, BRAIN?!? stop being depressed, kthxbai.
i plopped down in front of the computer and tried. i messed around on farmville and facebook. i chatted with a friend. i looked at my schoolwork. i tried to be 'normal'. i had lunch. i had the car yesterday, so was obligated to go to the bank and target. i forced myself to do those things. act as if. twelve steppers hear it all the time: act as if it's all okay, and it will be.
oh. mah. god. no it WILL NOT BE. i tried. i bought drano. i chatted with my mother. i tried to be normal. i tried to be productive.
i ended up in bed with no pants on and a package of goldfish crackers. i ate them all. then felt guilty for doing so. then felt guilty for being crazy. then felt guilty for being a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad friend, a bad person. i try to cuddle the fucking cat and he shouts at me and struggles away.
again, i am alone.
awesome husband comes home and finds me in bed, cheddary crumblets on the comforter. he closes the door and starts getting ready to take a shower.
awesome husband: did you take a shower already?
awesome husband: okay, let's go.
me: no. showering is fucking stupid.
awesome husband: come take a shower.
awesome husband sits on the bed (naked at this point) and watches the venture brothers with me for a few minutes. then he stands up and walks over to me.
awesome husband: come on, let's take a shower.
awesome husband: yes, we're going to take a shower.
me: you can take a shower. i'm not taking one.
awesome husband: get up, you're taking a shower.
me: no. i don't need a fucking shower. i sit on my ass all day doing nothing.
awesome husband: come on, get up.
awesome husband: *deep sigh accompanied by a look.*
me: you're going to force me to take a shower, aren't you?
awesome husband: yes, i am.
so i finally give in and take a shower. this is why we shower together just about every day: we don't canoodle in the shower. we don't cuddle in the suds. it's not about saving water (although my water bill has gone down considerably). it's because many days, I WILL NOT DO IT unless he makes me.
also, he washes the spot on my back that i can't reach with my loofah.
many couples have steamy shower sessions, with sex and suds and diddling or what have you. many couples have slippery, delicious sex tales from their showers. and we do have a huge shower. like, we could easily have a foursome in there, no problem
in this house? awesome husband and i shower together because otherwise, i won't shower. and he knows that. and if i didn't give in, he would either undress me and literally put me in the shower, or nag me until i get up and go.
that's one of the many reasons i love him.
did my day get 'better' after the shower? no. i was still fucking guilty and refused to eat anything but lettuce and mushrooms for dinner. (with full fat ranch dressing. shutthefuckup.) then i hid behind my computer screen most of the evening, and let awesome husband watch ghost hunters.
and then i had a bowl of ice cream. that helped a bit. because, obviously. ice cream always helps.
today is not much better. i'm
sometimes i feel bad that he's stuck with me. that he married me almost six years ago, and he's stuck with a overweight, immature, batshit crazy bitch of a wife. i asked him a few weeks ago why he bothers taking care of me.
awesome husband said, maybe i *want* to take care of you.
i don't know that i'll ask him again. i don't think i need to. no one has ever said they WANT to take care of me.
and i don't know what i did to deserve him, but i'm so lucky that we somehow found each other. i don't believe in coincidence, and i don't know how it came about. but it did. maybe i need him to take care of me. maybe he needs to be able to take care of me.
maybe i need to let him.
EDIT: just as a reminder, i have contributed some stuff over at band back together. it's a great support site for physical and mental illness, abuse, survivors, grief, baby loss, all the sad stuff in life. we're a loving, supportive, awesome bunch of people and the group blog is really taking off, thanks to aunt motherfucking becky. check it out, and contribute, please - you can give or receive support there <3