superfast horrifying post

here in my head where i am full of the AWESOME and shit like that, i imagine that you all are constantly wondering what i am up to.  that you have noticed my absence over the past couple of weeks and have been wringing your hands in worry about my whereabouts.

in reality, you probably figured i'm a lame ass blogger who ran out of shit to say or something like that.

but in actuality, i've been in new york since november 21st.  which was last sunday.  i don't have the time or emotional capacity or energy to write the whole story out now, but believe me you'll probably hear enough about it in the near future.  the short version will have to do.

my mom went to the emergency room with vision loss last saturday night.  within hours they told us it was cancer.  a huge mass in her lung which has metastacized and is also in her brain and other inernal organs.  we were then told it was stage IV cancer.  we are still waiting for the official biopsy results - that's how fast this has all happened.  i am writing this from a hospice facility in huntington, new york where awesome husband and i are with mom, who is resting comfortably.  mom has lost just about all of her vision at this point and is sleeping at least 23.5 hours a day.  she only wakes up once in a while and says something.  when she does 'wake up' she is lucid and knows who i am and can answer some questions.

if you don't know, 'hospice' is a word that is only really used when people are about to die.  we don't have a real timeframe, but this facility only accepts people on a day to day basis.  mom is not expected to survive for more than a few days.  we cannot cure this cancer, only keep her comfortable while we wait for her to pass on.

so i may or may not be blogging for a bit.  i haven't read or commented on anyone else's blogs either.  and i don't know when i will be able to share this story.  now we are only hoping for a quick and peaceful passing for my mom, who deserves to have something easy in this life - even if it is only death.

i've a shiny turkey

that's right chaps and chapesses, i have received another award.  this comes from semi true torystellar over at can u relate? who OBVIOUSLY agrees with me that i'm superawesome and totes deserving of almost any award.

so i have this shiny turkey to show for my blogging efforts.



shiny happy turkeys holding hands.. um..

 now in addition to displaying this slick bird on my blog, i have to pass it on to 3-5 other deserving bloggers AND share a story involving some combination of “food, intoxication, kitchen, cooking/baking, or holidays”.

hmm.  i'll award it to tiffany at on the verge because i can only HOPE she has an awesome story about cooking.  i'll give one to simple dude here because he's a well-known award hog and i know at the very least he may have something useful to say about drinking and eating mcribs.  and finally i'll share a shiny fucking turkey with kristine who writes wait in the van because if she doesn't deserve a shiny fucking turkey, who does in this crazy, mixed up world?  seriously.

well, i eat a lot.  and i drink *sometimes*.  i'm in the kitchen often, cooking and/or baking (usually cooking) and i celebrate a few holidays.  but all of these things together?  hmmmmmmmmm....

this is harder than i thought.  the times i've gotten specifically slizzard i have prepared food ahead of time or been somewhere that we pay people to cook for us.  i have gotten superhigh and baked cookies before, but they were just those pillsbury cookie dough in a huge fucking pail that you scoop out and drop on a sheet and pop in the oven while you pack and smoke a tight bowl watch television.  i do go through four bottles of beer on st. patty's day, but they go into the corned beef, not my bloodstream.  i have gotten almost shitfaced on meade because that sneaks the fuck up on you, but neither kitchen nor cooking were involved.  and drinking on the holidays is so overrated.  that's what everyone else does.  what do you think i am, some kind of fucking CONFORMIST?  no, but seriously, i usually have to drive places on the holidays.  so no drinking for me.

i have stories about times i was drunk without pants on.  or drunk without a bra on.  or cooking without pants on.  or baking without pants on.  i mean, PANTS i can work with.

i tried to make dinner for my family the second day i took tarzipan and kept doing stupid things.  like not turning on burners.  or practically cutting my fucking finger off.  i'm sure it would be a hysterical story... if i could remember it.

sadly for you, most of my cooking/baking adventures turn out fairly successfully.  i'm usually sober (or mostly sober) on major holidays.  i've gotten drunk enough to sit (pantsless) on my kitchen floor and cry, but i don't think that is the kind of story this award requires.

i have failed you, semi true torystellar.  i've failed your award.  i don't deserve a shiny turkey.  or a matte finish turkey.  or even a shiny cornish game hen.

now all i can think about are cornish pixies from harry potter and the chamber of secrets.  DAMN YOU JK ROWLING.  just a couple of more days until i get my next harry potter fix.  i'm seriously JONESING for tihs damn movie.

i.

cannot.

wait.

to recap: i've failed at accepting this blog award.  i haven't taken a tarzipan yet today.  i can't wait for harry potter and the deathly hallows part one this weekend.  i haven't told any of you how my classes are going - school and work related.  i haven't discussed my personal life or my bullshit or my craziness for days.

have i withdrawn? you bet your sweet asses i have.  i'll work on pulling up my big girl panties and getting some shit done around here. until then, keep your unit on you.

are any of us 'living an authentic life'?

so i totes stole this idea from semi true torystellar at can u relate? because that's how i fucking roll.

but seriously.  it got me thinking.  read her post first so i can skip some of the backstory.

she talks about wearing a mask and not being authentic.  how so many of her friends are within the church and probably wouldn't approve of her real-life activities.  of course, semi true goes further and says they may lay hands on her and cast out her demons.  you might think she's joking.

she's not.

it's not that she's a bad person: she most certainly is not.  she is not a fraud.  she is not evil or wrong or horrible or hateful or mean to small children and furry animals.  she's pretty much awesome:  she drinks vodka, swears more often than she admits, bangs the hell out of her husband, and votes democrat. 

i don't see any problems.  i actually would say she's me, except i take full ownership of my swearing.

but semi true brings up that point:  she isn't a cursing, vodka-swilling, husband-humping liberal when she's with her friends. 

i posted a short comment on her blog (and owned up to the fact that i was copying her.  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so suck on it) stating how i WANT to say i'm myself all the fucking time.  how i'm always this real and awesome and crazy.

the truth is, i am always this awesome and crazy.  and i think i'm almost always this real.  i learned/was taught at an early age that appearances were important.  that some things were acceptable, and some were not.  i was not encouraged to share my feelings.  when i started 'acting out' at 11 or 12, i was brought to a psychotherapist who said i was lying for attention - that i was a pathological liar.  when i began being abused and mistreated by a family member, i told another adult - and was accused of lying.

i never brought it up again.

and thus began my foray into years of wearing many masks.  at school, i ventured between shy and crying to being outgoing and loud.  i would be holed up in the nurse's office or library hiding from people one day and holed up in an unlocked art closet with a boy the next.  i would lock myself in my bedroom and hang a blanket over the window and cry, or tape a plastic bag over my head and try to die.  i would go to a family function, all dressed up with my makeup done and smile and shake hands and be the perfect teenager.  i was myself in my bedroom, when i was alone.  some friends saw through a few of the cracks, some of my family picked up on things here or there, but what it all amounted to could be written off as 'hormones' or 'moody teenager'.  i hid my depression, my suicide attempts, most of my addictions, my cutting, my sexual activities, all of it.  no one - not one person - knew the whole story.

and i'd put my mask on and see my family or friends, i'd go over this one's house or meet that one's parents, and everything would seem fine.

until my 18th birthday.  at my paternal grandmother's house.  in front of my brother, dad, aunt and uncle, and grandparents i had a literal meltdown.  i barely remember what was said, but i remember shouting that i was sick of pretending to be someone i wasn't just to please them. 

it was freeing; it was horrifying.  i was disgusted with myself for acting like that, but pleased that the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

but was it?  i like to think that since that day, i have been myself - i'm not afraid for you to know i'm a neo-pagan: a witch.  i identify myself as a bisexual, as a democrat, as a big girl, as crazy, as a recovering addict, as a self-injurer, as an artist, as a cat-mom, as a wife, sister, and daughter.

i am always all of these things, whether or not i tell my friends or family, my prospective employers, people i meet in lines at disney.  just because i don't say these things doesn't mean i'm not these things.  it comes back to what semi true said: she is not authentic with these people because she is afraid they will reject who she really is. 

i think we all come to a point where we decide FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.  if they can't love me for who i actually am, why would i want them in my life?  but even then, there is a line.  don't we all have a friend who we really disagree with on at least one major issue?  for instance, i'm superagainst declawing cats to the point where when a friend was considering declawing her cats, i considered ending the friendship.  (she didn't and neither did i.) and looking back - i would not have ended the friendship.  i would have shared what i knew about declawing, let her horribly mutate her cats, been a bit mad at her inside, but kept the friendship.  that is not authentic.  but does that make it wrong?

it's like i said in the comment i left on semi true's blog.  i hate pants.  they are tight and clothesy.  my thighs get claustrophobic.  so often, when i am in for the night, i take my pants off.  since we currently live communally with mom, i try to put my yoga pants on.  but that doesn't always happen.  just because i don't take my pants off when i go to my dad's or my in-law's or your house, am i being inauthentic (or whatever the word would be)?

no, i'm being fucking polite by not subjecting you to my cellulite.

but i do have two friends who live in new york.  when i get to their house (when they don't have roommates who object) i take off my shoes, take off my pants, and curl up on their couch.  i know it's not exactly the same, but it's not really like i'm wearing pants (FINE, it's not like i'm wearing a mask.  you guys are boring).  it's not like i'm wearing a mask when i am in mixed company - it's not that i'm not being steph gas.  it's that some of steph gas is taking a time out because it's easier to keep the peace that way.

like my friends-who-i-remain-pantsless-with.  we went to disney and got drunk one night.  the two of us with BOOBS decided to flash all the tourists on the way home.  that was steph gas being steph gas.  me not taking my tits out when i go see my brother is not me being disingenuous.  it's just a part of steph gas that is taking a time out because my younger brother really doesn't need/want to see my bewbz.

so, to wrap it up here, the practical upshot of all this has to do with keeping your pants on and your BOOBS in their place when you are with people who might judge you.

it's not my fault i'm so full of the AWESOME

that's right, bitches.  i won another blog award.  here it is:

boo yah, sir.  boo yah.

this was bestowed upon me by semi true torystellar over at can u relate?  i'm supposed to list ten superhonest things about myself and to tell you the truth, i'm really pissed off right now because i worked superhard on it and blogger fucked me right up the ass and it's all gone now.  it's impossible to capture lightening like that twice, so this is probably going to be subpar and less awesome and i'm going to be angry and pissy and whatever.

ANYWAY.

1. in my mind, the barreness looks like nigella lawson.  i have an unhealthy borderline obsession with nigella, to the point where i cannot watch her cooking shows.  and since the lovely barreness speaks her mind on her anonymous blog about sexy things and naughty bits, it's only natural that i have developed an unhealthy borderline obsessive blog crush on her.
2. i spent more time than i'd like to admit geeking out and being in an online roleplaying wrestling federation.  that's right.  i made my own character and we'd write out promos and other more talented people would write out entire shows, complete with my character kicking guy's asses.  or having sex with them.  whatever.  geektastic.
3. i ate awesome husband's ding dong.  OMGGETYOURMINDOUTOFTHEGUTTER.  he has a box of ding dongs in the pantry and i just ate one because they are delicious.  you cheeky minxes.
4. i had my first serious crush on a girl on someone i'd known for years who may or may not be reading this blog right now.  no questions, please.  i won't tell you who it is so don't ask.  i like to keep you all quivering with antici........pation.
5. all i can think about now is how proud i was of my first list of ten superhonest things about myself, and how fucking pissed off i am that i lost it.  and i can't think of more honest things to say or remember what was on the first list.
6. i still pick my nose.  i'll own up to it.  i also have both nostrils pierced, so i think that entitles me to digging around in there.  i don't do it in front of company, though.  or at least, i try not to.
7. i am harder on myself than other people are on me.  and while i think that's true for a lot of people, i go a step further because i think that some people expect less from me because i'm crazy, so i push myself even harder.
8. i make people laugh.
9. i make people cry.
10. on good days, i think i'm a pretty rad person.  i've gone through a lot of shit and horribleness and terrible things to get here, and i think i turned out good.  i know i have even more shit to go through, but if i didn't go through what i've gone through, i'd be less of a person than i am now.  if that makes sense.

now i suppose it's time for me to pass this award on to some blogs i like.  i'm giving it to three people today, because i like the number three.

firstly is the barreness at hello, sailor.  she's supersuperhonest on her anonymous blog, as well as a bit naughty at times.  but i have to admire that kind of forthrightness.

second i'll share it with nicki at the loaded handbag because she is honest and her blog makes me think sometimes, but she's still funny and quirky and awesome.

and finally i'm passing this one on to stephaniec who writes seriously?? reeeally? seriously?.  not only is she honest with us, but i think stephc is pretty honest with herself on that blog.  plus?  she has THE BEST NAME.


now i'm going to go find something to eat and obsessively check to see if my eng101 grade has been posted yet.  steph gas, over and out.

sorry, no witty titles today. but i did get another award.

as usual, i have a BILLION ideas for blog posts that i never do.  i mean, what's the point of me blogging about something that was in the news and relevant weeks ago?  so i'm not going to talk about that mommy blogger who was getting shit from other moms for letting her son dress up as daphne for halloween.

because, honestly?  he rocked that wig.  and WHO THE FUCK CARES??!  it's halloween.  if little girls want to dress up as 'traditionally' boy things, no one minds.  double standard.  stupid crap.

ARGH.

so then i was like 'omg i should blog about my new classes' which are english 102 and cis 105, which apparently is like computer information science or something?  but the practical upshot of that class is that we learn how a computer works.

seriously.  like word processors and operating systems.  and how they work.  and i kind of spent two and a half years working in the consumer electronics field.  like selling computers.  and am more geeky and familiar with both macs and pc's than i care to admit.  so that should be SUPERFUN.

and we write another essay thing in my eng102 class.  2000-2500 words this time, and a persuasive essay.  i'm contemplating writing on legalization of marijuana.  it's supposed to be something that is like current and shit.  and our choices for topics are things like 'colonization', 'drugs', 'identity', 'war',  and 'culture'.  so i've been trying to find something that i can argue successfully that is current and interesting and shit.  i was thinking about branching 'identity' out to gender identity and talking about gays somehow.  or branching out 'culture' to somehow talk about how freedom of religion isn't really free.

but then i realized i'm pretty close to those two 'arguments' and might not be the best candidate for arguing them without bias.

and i made a new bag for my website.  which probably will sell as well as the others, which is NOT AT ALL.  i mean, the holidays are coming up so i'm hoping to get some orders.  but we'll see.  i'm probably going to sew a lot for holiday gifts this year.  but i can't give EVERYONE a fucking computer case (you can check out my shit here if you're really interested, but don't feel obligated because this blog is not about me selling my shit, it's about my venting my spleen).

and then tonight i start my new class for this new job.  it looks like i actually have to take the class to learn how to be a customer service rep for the company and then i'll learn about being a facilitator and helping other agents.  i also signed up my first agent under my corporation, so i'm growing that as well.  i'd like to get a small group of us together where we really lift each other up and support our business.  instead of me making money off of them, like many of the other corporations do in my industry.

and mom is in new york for another job interview.  with a cable company.  and it would be nice if she got it because then, hello, free cable/phone/internet when we move to new york.  but i'll be happy as long as she has a job that she's happy with.  she isn't really 100% cut out for working from home.  she's done it for a couple of years and excelled at it, but she'd prefer a more traditional office environment.  on the other hand, i love it.  i love working from home, not having anyone stand over my shoulder, setting my own schedule, all of it.

finally, i was bestowed another award by semi true torystellar at can u relate?.  it has cupcakes on it.  which means i now want to bake and eat cupcakes.  hmm... that is a good idea of what i can do today.

you can see it on my RESPEK KNUCKLES page.  i don't know that there were rules with this one.  i'ma be a greedy bitch today and keep it for myself.

that's right.  i'm not passing this cupcakey blog award on.  suck it.  it's mine now.

super free-form random association post

so i'm going to try something new today.  i'm going to work on this post all day long.  i will just open it back up and add new thoughts and concerns as they occur to me.

i spend almost all day in front of my computer, from about 9am to 5ish, sometimes later.  i work and attend school on this computer.  well, actually soon i'll be working on that computer (points about 20 inches to her right) but whatever.  so i'll be here all day, writing and thinking and working on two finals that are due by this sunday.  i'm basically done with both of them, but i'm an editing whore and can't leave well enough alone.

ANYWAY.

• have you ever noticed that your friend count on facebook is one less than it was yesterday?  and then do you scroll through all of your friends and try to figure out who left you, and what you did to make them unfriend you?  this drives me nuts.  i was at 130 just a couple of days ago, and today i have 129 and i have NO IDEA who unfriended me and it's driving me batty.
• does cooler weather make cats fucking nuts?  it's in the high 60s this morning in central florida, and i have all the windows open (i'm also wearing a sweater).  so the house is at 66 degrees according to my thermostat.  piglet and samantha are LOSING THEIR FUCKING MINDS.  they are zooming around, tails all puffed up, hiding behind things and pouncing on each other.  i mean, they play sometimes, but this is crazy.  UPDATE: it's almost two hours later, and they're still doing it.  i'm flabbergasted.
• it's only 13 days until the new harry potter movie comes out, and i may piss myself at any moment with excitement.  i tear up everfuckingtime i see a trailer because i know who dies in the first 78 pages of the book.  i will need tissues like woah.  also, i will soon embark on my tradition of rereading every harry potter book in order before a new movie comes out.  that's right, i'll complete all 7 books in the next 13 days.  i'm a super fast reader.
• the facilitator for my general studies class posted a question about what our biggest motivator is.  everyone is like 'my kids' or 'my mentally handicapped sister, who i've had to take care of since our mom was a drug addict' (not kidding on that one) and i haven't answered the question because i can't say 'my cats are the single biggest motivation in obtaining my degree'.  i really cannot say that.  plus, i don't even know that i want to be a teacher.  which is ironic, since i'm going for an associates degree in education.  i really want to do this for me.  people i cared about told me i'd never amount to anything more than a crazy, lying, stealing, addict.  and i believed them for a long time.  i'm doing this for ME.  because i want to prove to myself that i'm none of those things.  and since i'll have the degree, i think i might want to get involved with either the girl scouts or a program for gifted children.  maybe.  but mostly, i want to say i have a degree.
• now i'm shoveling reheated baked ziti in my face while trying not to reread my paper on the history of body piercing for the billionth time.  i have just asked facebook at large if someone will please proofread for me.  i have to stop obsessing over it, but i can't.  it's my first college level paper and i'm completely terrified by it.
• i have to load this ubuntu thing on my pc for my new job.  and it wasn't working the way i thought it would.  and it took too long.  and then i tried to start doing my pre-work for the training i start on monday and i can't find a bunch of it online and no one is answering my emails.  damn it.
• mom leaves for new york again on monday.  and will be back on wednesday.  she has another job interview.  once she gets a job, she'll move to new york and live with my dad, her ex-husband for a few weeks.  hahaha.  then mom and my brother will get an apartment to share for a while, until we sell this house and are ready to move to new york.  which hopefully will happen soon.

i kind of ran out of things to talk about.  so this post was kind of a failure.  all i know is that i forgot to take my medication last night, and it's like extended release, and i started feeling really shitty this afternoon.  sorry. 

lame.

it's not that i don't like babies, i just prefer crabs.

now i know that some of my friends may be reading this, and i'm not naming any names.  but if you are pregnant and reading this and may have just announced your pregnancy on facebook today, don't like take this personally.  i mean, no preggers people should take this personally.  i'm all for making babehs.  i like sex as much as the next gal.  seriously.

and i'm totally cool with our decision not to have babehs.  like, in my most calm, lucid, wise moments i know i do not want children.  awesome husband and i have discussed it at length.  i get angry when people ask us why we're waiting, or when we'll start a family.  i get super upset when family members assume i'll change my mind - 'oh, that's what (fill in whatever woman's name here) always said, and now look at her, she has two children!  you guys will change your minds'.

nothing is ever 100% certain - but we don't plan on changing our minds.  we. do. not. want. children.

so why am i super sad, sitting at my computer practically crying because another of my friends from high school announced her pregnancy?  can i tell you that i have 130 friends on facebook (and i actually know almost all of them in person - like 5 or 6 are co-workers or long-time internet buddies).

six of my friends on facebook are currently pregnant.  it seems like a lot, i guess.  and it's not that i'm not super happy for them - it's great that they are having children and are stoked about it.  but... i don't want kids.

right?  i decided i didn't want kids eleven years ago.  for eleven years i've known i don't want my own children.  for eleven years i've watched my sister-in-law and quite a few close friends have teeny babehs, which are super cute and i can buy adorable little things for - and then send them home with their parents.

i do not want children.  i have asked numerous times to have my plumbing removed (not to be gross and cross over that TMI line, but my plumbing is all kinds of fucked up already anyway, and we're not sure that it would even work properly).  awesome husband and i have had quite a few conversations about vasectomies and tubal ligations.  (i have refused to have a tubal because they will stick a needle in my belly button.  i promish, one day there will be a post about my issue with my belly button.  awesome husband is very non-commital about the vasectomy thing.  which makes me think he does want children and will eventually leave me to have them with someone else.  but that's the crazy talking.)

plus, with the amount of drugs that awesome husband and i (but mostly him) ingested between 1992 and 2000, i can't imagine that we'd even have an actual babeh.  i'd probably give birth to a fucking fish with wings or something like that.

is that biological clock that so many women claim to hear ticking that strong?  will my hormones really try to make my brain stop paying attention and make me want to have a babeh?

honestly, i have cats.  and i know, it's not the same as having children.  but samantha just jumped up on my desk, pushed my term paper and a binder to the floor, and settled down on my pile of bills.  she keeps hitting the mouse with her tail, which she is flicking around and there is cat hair everywhere.

why would i need children?

i suppose at 30.6 years old, my biological clock has started to metaphorically tick LIKE THIS.  either i'm getting a tubal soon, or awesome husband will have to suck it up and have a vasectomy.  fun times.  fun times.

although, this does explain why i was so INTENT on getting my hermit crabs last weekend.  the nurturing urge is stepping in and making me want to expand my family.

who's got a 20-gallon aquarium for me?