what am i doing?

well, it's been a bit. like, seven months? something like that.

i decided where to go to school: adelphi. i've already completely my first semester and got an A in both of my classes.

i took a great cruise with some family and friends. we went to bermuda and sailed out of manhattan. it was really fun and very nice and my first sober cruise. i went to two AA meetings on board and found i didn't miss drinking as much as i worried i would. i also discovered roulette and am good at it.

i quit my job as a drug and alcohol counselor and took a position as a care coordinator (case manager) working with people diagnosed with severe and persistent mental illness. it's fun and challenging and sometimes i can't believe they pay me what they pay me. it's like $13K a year more than my last job and i feel a lot less stressed by it. very nice.

my dad died on october 29th. it was really sudden. he was 63 and diabetic and had high blood pressure. he was alone in his office, where he slept every night on a couch because he was always working. he died alone in his office, locked in a building in an industrial area. a neighbor climbed a ladder and found an open window to let the emergency workers in. so i planned another funeral for another parent.

i hadn't spoken to my dad in almost a month. i was mad at him because i felt like he only called me when he needed something. it seemed like he never called just to say hi or i love you or something. i called him like that, for no reason, and it frustrated me that he never did. the last interaction i had with him was the morning we left on the cruise, october 4th, 25 days before he died. he said, 'have a safe trip. love to all'.

sometimes i feel like i don't know what i'm doing in life. within five years i lost both of my parents. i'm only 35. but i'm still here. i'm still here and i don't know what i'm doing.

no news is... good news?

things are pretty much status quo here.

work. sleep. eat. puppy. cats.

the cycle starts over and over, just later on monday, tuesday, and wednesday.

i had the intention of going to bed early tonight since i have to be up early tomorrow. probably isn't going to happen.

you should immediately go read the bloggess' new post. jenny is an amazing person and a wonderful person and probably one of the best people in the world.  so, go here.

i still can't figure out where to go to school. i'm still existing in a near-constant state of anxiety. i'm going to shine up my resume and send it out because why not. who knows what will come up, right? i'm not depressed, which is nice, but i'm having some self-worth issues and thinking more than i like about drinking or drugging. i even had a really vivid and horrible drug dream last monday, which kind of ruined the day. however, my blood pressure, blood glucose, and cholesterol are at healthy levels. so, yay me! (don't worry, i'm still fat. just healthy. i know, it's hard to imagine someone being FAT and HEALTHY, isn't it?)

(if you answered 'yes', go fuck yourself.)

so for now, i'm going to feed the cats and try to sleep. well, i will sleep. eventually. and hopefully i'll be blissfully unaware of anxiety and depression and cravings and low self-worth for at least 7 hours or so. that would be nice.

if i had a nickel for every panic attack...

my anxiety has been more or less constant for like a week. i was really excited about last weekend. i had bought tickets to a mets game for friday night, was hoping to see jurassic world over the weekend, and then there was a concert on monday night that i really wanted to see. one of my favorite bands, less than jake, was playing locally with reel big fish - another band i really like. awesome husband @_antgas and i were pretty excited to go. and he went to the mets game with me even though he's a yankees fan.

so last week i started feeling anxious about the concert. i haven't been able to pinpoint it and spent like half of my therapy session this week trying to do so. i just had this huge, overpowering anxiety about going to this concert. my husband was supportive and like, so let's not go. but part of me really wanted to go. i decided to play it by ear and see how i felt over the weekend and maybe i'd buy tickets.

friday at work both of our supervisors were out - one is on extended medical leave and one was going to an eating disorder training. so us counselors were on our own and were working together to run a weekly meeting. then the director of our program and our office manager (really?) come in the meeting room. the director started talking about how we have been doing great BUT (there's always a fucking BUT) we needed to do more. she started talking units of service, groups, how many people we had on our case loads, stuff like that. the director and the office manager started talking about how us counselor could do more intake assessments (mind you, neither the director or office manager have done those) and the office manager tried to tell us how we should schedule intakes. so we were all getting a little frustrated and we all started trying to brainstorm with her. ultimately our director ended up saying that our clinic would close, how long we stayed open depended on how many units of service we did.

happy friday!

i was very frustrated for numerous reasons. one, both of our supervisors were out - it was just us counselors and the director of our program with all of our go-betweens and the people who would stand up for us out of the office. so none of us could like talk back to her or offer anything more than 'okay'. i mean, really. i was (and still am) really pissed off that she chose to dump all of that on us when our supervisors were not in the office to smooth anything over. plus, just after lunch on a friday? great way to start my weekend. one of the other counselors and i debriefed after the meeting and she reminded me to leave it at work and enjoy my weekend.

easier said than done. so my already heightened anxiety was sent even higher, but not quite into overdrive. yet. 

on the way to the mets game, i was trying to tell awesome husband @_antgas about the meeting and all the crap and ugh. and he fell asleep. so i got angry and stopped telling him, i just kept my feelings about it in.

anxiety creeps up a bit more.

the weekend itself was pretty good. i worked hard to leave work at work and just focus on spending time with my husband and puppy, shopping and cleaning and doing laundry. but i was still really anxious about going to the concert. we decided not to go and i felt guilty and angry about it. i love that band, i really would love to see them live again. why can't i go, why can't i be normal and not have ridiculous anxiety that affects most parts of my life?

so monday comes. i go to therapy, try to talk through what i can with my amazing therapist, and go to work. i'm in a good mood. we have supervision on monday, so i know we can tell our supervisor what happened on monday and try to address it. but as soon as i walk into my office, boom - more anxiety. now by the time we're in supervision my anxiety is at like 8 - i'm not having a full-blown panic attack; i can breathe, my heart is not really racing, i'm not sweating. but i'm shaking and anxious and having trouble speaking and am on the verge of crying or actually crying for the entire 2.5 hour meeting. i'm barely able to speak. my supervisor keeps asking me if i want to talk or whatever and i just can't. i'm grinding my teeth and trying not to make eye contact. 

our supervisor tries to smooth it over. she talks about how it will take a lot of time to close a clinic and she's not sure we'll close anyway - we likely will just integrate with another clinic. she talks about what we can do to try and stop it. she encourages us. and since i'm sitting there CRYING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT she and my colleagues all try to make me feel better. one counselor talks about how much of a mentor i've been to her and how much i've helped her; another reminds me that we're always exactly where we need to be and that if we do close, it's because there's something else in store for me. it helps in theory, but my anxiety is just overwhelming.

after the meeting, my supervisor keeps me behind and asks me what i'm feeling (this is the best/worst part about being a counselor - no one thinks you're crazy when you spend an entire meeting crying). i mention anxiety but have a lot of trouble formulating my thoughts. during the meeting she asked me if i wasn't feeling safe; i didn't know what she meant. when we spoke after the incident, she said she was sorry that the office wasn't a safe place for me any longer and she was determined we would reclaim that. so when she asked me about feeling 'safe' that's all i could think about. but when we were alone, she mentioned 'safe AND SECURE' and i immediately started crying. it wasn't the physical or emotional safety - it was the security. i felt secure in my career, with my job, with my colleagues. when i started crying, she got up to hug me and linked my past abuse to my anxiety in relation to security. i cried some more, had a nice long hug, fixed my eye makeup, and finished my day with a quick individual and an easy group that i let the clients lead. i went home early and ate my feelings (not the best option, but it's what i did). 

i am still feeling anxious. i missed the concert and i hate myself for it. i hate that my anxiety controls my life at times. i hate that i can't do 'normal' things. i can't plan for something like that because who knows what the fuck my anxiety is going to do on that day. i hate that i already take medications and have coping skills and they don't always work to ease my anxiety. i hate that all i want to do is eat or sleep and that i think about drinking or drugging when i get really anxious. 

for today, i'm just going to stay sober and stay focused. 

an incident

i originally wrote this on 5/27, two days ago. i've added the resolution at the end...


i'm writing this without knowing whether or not i will post it. i had an incident at work today that is still unfurling and i am trying not to stress eat. but have already polished off half a bag of sweet & salty popcorn... at least it's not the worst thing to overeat, but that's not the point.

i have a client who has a DWI arrest. he came to his intake and tested positive for alcohol. when i tried to engage him in treatment, he did not recall the conversation we had about when to start treatment, likely because he was drunk. so it was three weeks before he started treatment; he had a very high positive for alcohol at his first appointment, indicating he either drank that day or drank a lot the night before.

he came in today thinking he had an appointment but he didn't. i saw him and he asked if he could have his schedule in writing, so i took him in my office and we wrote out his schedule. i told him about my concerns that he hasn't stopped drinking and that we'd need to send him to detox, whatever whatever. he said he understood that he cannot drink while in treatment. it was not an emotional meeting; it was about 10 minutes of hammering out his schedule and his verbal agreement that he would go to detox if he couldn't stop drinking - he said he would be able to stop drinking without issue (i am fairly certain he won't be able to).

so i stand up to walk him out and he stands up. i mention something about knowing he can do this and he reaches out to hug me. i do not touch clients without their permission or without them reaching out to me first, but i believe touch is a powerful thing. so i allow him to hug me and he kisses my neck. i do not know what to do or say and i realize he smells like alcohol. i sort of go on autopilot and show him out of my office and immediately engage another client who is waiting for a scheduled individual session with me. i ignore the incident.

six hours later i am getting ready to leave work for the night. i have felt sort of dirty and find myself repeatedly touching my neck and thinking about using hand sanitizer on it. but i do not say anything. i do not go to my supervisor immediately, i did not confront the client. i did nothing. every time the incident pops into my head, i immediately dismiss it, telling myself it was nothing and to just keep doing what i'm doing. it's not like i complete dissociated; i met with four clients individually and led a group. i engaged my clients. it was when i got in my car and started driving home that the incident popped in my head again. my instinct was to dismiss it and i forced myself not to. my rational self knew - knows - there is an issue here. this incident was not appropriate. this client had no right to do that even though i accepted his hug. the incident was completely inappropriate and i have every right to tell my supervisor and i do not deserve to be treated like that.

and it's while i'm driving home that i suddenly make the connection - to my stepfather. my stepfather died in 2003.  my stepfather was an alcoholic who drank beer like water. my stepfather was abusive to me, physically, verbally, and emotionally. and on more than one occasion my stepfather was inappropriate with me in sexualized ways, from telling me details about his sex life with my mother when i was a teenager to an incident when i was about 21 or 22 when i was at my mother's house. i think she had gone out; i was doing laundry and using the computer. my stepfather came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my neck, beer on his breath, and said something completely inappropriate about us being alone. i ignored the incident, brushing it off and going about my business. i did not even respond to him.

somehow, on the ride home, my brain - something - finally let me examine the incident today instead of just ignoring it. without much thought, once my subconscious allowed the incident to be examined instead of instantly dismissed, my brain immediately made the connection between today's incident and the incident with my stepfather. i don't know how my mind made that connection so quickly, without me thinking about it. was it the smell? was it the act itself, which i keep calling 'the incident' and i don't want to type out? did i detach after the incident today because that's how i survived back when i was being abused by my stepfather? what am i supposed to do now, now that today's incident seems to have stirred up a lot of my crap and i want nothing more than to eat everything i can get my hands on right now? how am i supposed to be an effective counselor if i can't deal with my own crap?

what am i supposed to do now? i know i have to go to my supervisor. i don't want to. i don't want to talk about it. i don't want to admit it because it's my fault. i let him hug me; i encouraged him; i was nice to him; i'm a woman; i have low self esteem; he's older than me. i can go on and on and on. i know this isn't my fault. i know it's not appropriate. but i'm terrified to talk to my supervisor and that makes no fucking sense at all. i don't want to go to work tomorrow. i graduated college and walked yesterday, i wore my cap and gown and got a fancy bachelor's degree. i registered for my graduate program. i'm making decisions in my life that will lead to me being a counselor as a career.

i know, the rational part of me knows, that i can't not go to work tomorrow. i can't quit my job - my career - because of this. but my instinct tells me to run. forget it, let it go, move on somewhere else. the rational part of me knows that i did nothing wrong, that i did not invite this, that i did not encourage him, that my identified gender has nothing to do with it. it is not my fault. the rational part of me knows all of this. but emotionally, i feel like a victim again.

that's kind of grandiose, isn't it? that i feel victimized because of what happened, the incident i don't want to spell out again? it's not like he beat me up or punched me or groped me. he kissed my neck. i feel victimized. and i feel like i'm overreacting by feeling victimized.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

what a difference four and a half years makes.

today is day four of my four day weekend.

four day weekend, you ask?

yes. i had the typical saturday/sunday weekend, monday for memorial day, and awesome husband @_antgas and i took off today for a very good reason.

i graduate today!

that's right, the strange journey that started back in august of 2010 with a mini nervous breakdown and a fateful trip to a psychiatrist is ending. i originally started my undergrad to get an associates just so i could put it on my resume. now i'm graduating with a bachelors in community health and human services.... and planning to go onto graduate school.

a lot of ridiculous, awesome, and horrifying things have happened since i decided to return to school. my mother was suddenly taken ill and died peacefully.

we rescued another hysterical kitten (who has turned into a maniac). we moved back to new york. i became a body piercer for a while. i decided to continue my education and realized a lot about life in the process.

taylor crossed the rainbow bridge. i fought with my gallbladder and lost and later willingly barbecued my uterus. we moved even further out in the 'burbs.

i was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and failed every medication i tried. i landed an internship. piglet was diagnosed with kidney failure and then had to have her canines removed. i also was hired as a paid counselor at my internship. and soon thereafter, i sat for my CASAC exam and was hired on as a full time counselor. i stopped taking any medications for RA and am surviving as best i can.

my little brother got married. and then we got a puppy and i started a new medication for my mental health issues.

and today, i graduate. and i've been accepted to three graduate programs and have pretty much decided on one. i will be going for my MSW and hope to complete in about three, three and a half years. it's been a ridiculous journey; sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes i can't remember what it was like before i was a counselor.

thankfully, my therapist is working today since the office was closed yesterday. i am a jumbled mass of conflicting emotions and ideas. but i am really excited to be graduating and opening a new chapter in my life. well, at the end of august when grad school starts.

frustration is not motivating PLUS we got a puppy!

i've been really frustrated with life.  but life is really good.

that seems kind of stupid.  but that's how it's been.

i've started a new medication in addition to my life-saving pristiq: vyvanse.  it's an amphetamine.  i was really nervous about taking it but so far i'm not having any weird side effects - i don't even feel like i'm hopped up on amphetamines.  i'm not sure how much 'better' i feel, but i don't feel worse so that's great.

we got a puppy. she's very small and very rambunctious and very annoying.  her name is alice (allie) and they told us she's a chihuahua-mini pinscher mix.  we think they're wrong.

yes, we got her a wicket doll to gnaw on.  may the fourth be with you!

she's teething.  i have a feeling this has something to do with that fact.

alice on one of her many walks

on another.... walk.  taking a roll around in the grass break.

allie is ridiculous.  she wants to 'play' with the cats, and the cats want NOTHING to do with her.  it's not always pretty.  but we're working on it.

i'm very frustrated with work.  i'm so over my schedule - i hate the 12-8:30pm on monday through wednesday.  i want to work days like a typical person.  i want to be able to cook after work; stop at the supermarket and pick up the night's ingredients; meet friends for dinner or coffee.  hell, i want to eat three 'normal' meals a day.  my eating schedule is all fucked up.  and i'm usually tired - i can't get my body used to this schedule.

i mentioned to my boss that i want to switch back to days and she said that something should change within the next couple of months.  that was about a month ago.  i love my job - just not my hours.  my family is a priority to me - and i can't take care of my family the way i'm used to with this schedule.

i did a bit of looking online to see what's out there with my credentials.  and found a posting for a job that is $12K a more than i'm making.  it's with a private company - not a non-profit - but that's a huge pay jump.  HUGE.  it makes me think, and i don't like thinking ;)

monday update - including new tattoo!

it's kind of amazing how things change.

a few months ago, i wrote this blog about... well, disconnecting from a woman i was very good friends with.  it's a bit strange how it all happened.  my friend is also my tattoo artist and is her tattoo artist as well.  the tattoo artist tagged her in an instagram photo one day and i insta-stalked her feed.

i know, kind of strange.  creepy.  whatever, go fuck yourself.  i did it.  you know you've done something like it.

so i saw... well, i saw a woman who had changed for the better in a lot of ways.  she seemed freer, happier, even more herself than she was when we still hung out regularly.  i still thought about sending her a card.  i ended up following her on instagram, thinking that if she straight out blocked me it was a sign that whatever had happened had irreparably damaged our relationship.  she didn't block me.

one day she posted something on instagram that really made me think.  it said "sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through expectation".  it resonated with me.  i realized that i put expectations on our relationship - i expected her to support me in a way she was unable to at the time.  it was like the situation (at least my part/side of it) became so clear to me.  so i direct messaged her, letting her know that the post made me think, and what it made me think about, and trying to take responsibility for my part in whatever had happened.  she messaged me back, she took responsibility for her part in what happened - and that was important to me.  it validated what others had told me: i hadn't done anything wrong per se.  i hadn't driven her away or done something so bad/wrong/whatever.  it was just we were both in specific places that almost made it impossible for us to be there for each other, for us to be friends at that time.

we ended up meeting for dinner a couple of weeks ago.  it was strange at first: she's in a MUCH different place in her life than she was about 15 months prior when we stopped talking.  but i am, too.  i'm in a much healthier place.  she's in a much healthier place.  we're both more honest with ourselves and with others.  and seriously - it was almost like no time had passed.  it's the same, but it's different - it's a different relationship that is healthier and more balanced for both of us.  and i'm thrilled to have it back.

i've also committed to an amazing thigh tattoo by said tattoo artist.  pam poovey from archer is like my spirit animal.  i love her (i haven't seen season 5 yet, i've been told that might change, but seriously - i don't care.  she's been amazing through 4 seasons).  when my artist was working on awesome husband @_antgas' hand tattoos, i mentioned how pam poovey was my spirit animal and she went nuts - she said she really really wanted to do an archer tattoo.  we worked on some ideas, she drew up an amazing tattoo, and i recently had the outline done on my outer left thigh.

seriously - this tattoo is super bad ass.  follow @misstattootara on instagram.

yeah.  it's pretty awesome.  and in reality, the fact that it's on my thigh is a big deal for me.  i follow a lot of body positive blogs and instagram accounts and twitter and shit like that.  and i've seen photos of SO MANY beautiful big women with awesome thigh tattoos.  i think it's super sexy and makes them look really confident and i started thinking about getting a thigh tattoo about a year ago.  i had settled on a couple of other ideas when my tattoo artist said she wanted to do an archer tattoo.  

pam poovey is kind of another big girl who is awesome.  i mean, if you watch archer, you're probably familiar with some of her exploits and background from the first four seasons.  let's see: she kicked men's asses in underground fights to pay her way through college.  she has an infatuation with lana but still bangs archer for a while.  she says what she wants and doesn't give a fuck about what people think about it.  she's a little crass and really bold and super confident.  yet she's a damn HR rep... sure, she's not always great at her job, but still.  pam poovey is really my spirit animal; a lot of her character is who i want to be or who i already am.  i'm a fat girl who metaphorically kicks ass, i'm bisexual, and (outside of work) i say what i mean and refuse to sugar coat it.  

whatever - i identify with pam poovey.  and i love my tattoo, and i can't wait to have it colored in.

my tattoo artist is on instagram - @misstattootara.  seriously, she does amazing work.  if you're on long island and in need of a tattoo, DM her.  and, hey, i'm on instagram and twitter @stephgas.  

i'm also working on a lot of crap with my therapist.  i've started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, am addressing some of my disordered eating behaviors (unhappily but whatever), and working out.  i'm not watching what i eat or working out to lose weight - i'm doing it to feel good.  that seems to make it more enjoyable because i'm not obsessing over every calorie eaten and burned.  i'm weight lifting with awesome husband @_antgas and a couple of his coworkers.  my brother and sisterfromanothermister occasionally join in as well.  awesome husband @_antgas is all about going hard and 'gains'.  the phrase 'gains, bro' is uttered numerous times, often in jest but not really 100% joking.  i hit a new PR (personal record) on saturday with a 910lb straight leg press.  yesterday my PR was 115lb chest fly thingy.  i don't know the names of everything, i just wander around behind awesome husband @_antgas and wait for him to tell me what to do.  honestly, that makes it fun and easy and i really like working out.  it just makes me feel good.  

so, new ink, new meds, new weight training - a lot of things going on but it's all good... it's all healthy.

sick end to a good weekend

i called into work for the first time since i was hired in april today and i'm trying not to beat myself up over it.  self-care is very important, it's imperative, and i have to remember that.

i also called out of therapy which is kind of stupid because i can always use therapy but i'm just so nauseous.  i was up a few times overnight feeling like i had to vomit and i never did.  like right now i'm kind of hungry but the nausea keeps coming and going so i'm like terrified to eat.

had a great weekend with awesome husband @_antgas.  we went to new york city on saturday to see a broadway show - our first together, his first ever (i've only seen one other - les mis - like decades ago).  we drove to my dad's office in queens and left the car there, then took a subway to manhattan and walked up into the middle of times square.  was pretty cool - i'm not sure i've ever done that before (not that i remember, so i may have done it and been stoned or something).  we walked a few blocks to the theatre and it was such a good show.  @_antgas wanted to see this show, he kept mentioning it when we'd see commercials, so i got him tickets for the holidays.  we then went back to queens and had dinner at one of our favorite queens diners with my dad.  yum.

it was pretty easy so we're thinking about going back to the city on a sort of regular basis.  i used to bitch all the time that i hated going into the city because it was expensive and annoying and ugh.  but it was fun.  and i found out about this place that you can go in the morning and get heavily discounted tickets to broadway shows.  you kind of have to take what they have available, but it might be fun to just go see other shows. 

i used to put photos on my blog but it's kind of a pain in the ass with all the watermarking and uploading and ugh.  plus i post on instagram all the time.  so if you want to know what's going on in my life without all the wordy bullshit, follow me on instagram at - you guessed it - @stephgas.  it's mostly me and cats and body positive crap so, you know.  it's fun.

i still cry sometimes.

please, don't make me apologize for being a bad blogger.  i'm a bag blogger - deal.

things have been busy.  i'm working full time monday through friday, but i work later - noon to 8:30ish most days.  i have just finished up with school - i have an independent study in human services and the liberal arts that i'm finishing up and january 2015 will be my official graduation date.  i'll walk in may.  i'm very excited.

my best friend from high school had her first baby in mid-november.  i was at the hospital with her and her parents, along with another best friend from high school.  we were both planning to be in the room with her, but she ended up having a c-section and the other friend went in with her.  better choice, since she's much more level headed and calm than i am.  plus she's had a child as well, so she understands some things i don't get.  awesome husband @_antgas and i have been spending quite a bit of time with her and the new baby, helping around the house and the like.  i just want to squish the baby all the time.  he's so handsome.

so it's like, work and school and baby things and rheumatoid arthritis - yes, that's still there - were making my life pretty busy.  now that i'm just about done with school (i don't have any more classes) i have a bit more free time.  i'm hoping to get back into cross stitching and sewing, and researching my options for graduate school.  it seems that is my next logical step, but it's expensive and hard and i'm just not 100% sure yet.



i get nostalgic around the holidays.  the time between thanksgiving and new years is always rough for me.  i've been craving more female contact; i wonder if it's because my mom died this time of year.  i've cherished the time i spend with my best friend and her tiny baby - it's wonderful to be able to talk with her and have someone how knows me and my past.  but it makes me miss people who aren't in my life any longer.  particularly one woman who i may have wrote about a bit here.  we had a short friendship but it was intense.

it's normal for me to reach out to people at certain times of the year.  the holidays after 9/11 i remember sending a card to an old friend and his family who i hadn't seen in years.  i send holiday cards and think about the people i used to spend so much time with that i don't get to see often - or at all.  we're all 'adults' now (for all intents and purposes).  so many of us have families and work and just life to get through, and that can leave little time for 'hanging out', unless it's a quick dinner or coffee date.

i found myself wanting to send her a card, ask about how she's doing, let her know that we're okay, and see if she wanted to catch up at all.  i'm at a different place in my life.  yes, i still crave contact, friendship, support, but i think i'm much more self-sufficient.  perhaps it's the changes in my life over the last year - getting a job in the field, getting ready to graduate, and oh - being in therapy weekly.  never underestimate the value of talk therapy if you can afford it (even when i couldn't afford it, the doctor and i figured something out). 

i have bad days.  i still freak out, i still get anxious, and i still cry sometimes.  i am constantly learning how to deal with it, how to reach out and ask for help, how to identify, address, and process some feelings.  i've struggled with my mother's death around the birth of my friend's baby; i remember crying at the hospital because i wanted my mother there to see her (we've been good friends since i was, like, 11).  when i work on the quilt i'm making for her baby, i think about the quilts and bibs and things my mom would make when other people had babies.  i think about the fact that i don't have my mom to help me assemble the quilt - i've never done that before, i've only pieced together the tops of quilts.  now i have to make the quilt sandwich and actually quilt it.  i'll think about my mom while i do it, and about my beautiful girlfriend and her perfect baby boy, and it will reflect generations of love and support and commitment.



so i still cry sometimes, but i cry for myself.  i cry for my losses, i cry for my friend's losses, and i cry for the things we will all lose one day.  i cry for my joys and accomplishments, for my friend's joys, and for all the wonderful things i know are to come in the future.  but i don't cry because that one amazing woman left my life - as much as i miss her and the time we spent, i'm thankful for the time we spent and the lessons she taught me (that i may not have been ready to learn at the time).  and i think about sending her a card letting her know that.

happy new year, everyone.

yeah, so...

i know.

it's been, what, over three months?

i've been busy.  tired.  ugh.

school.  working full time.  being sick and fatigued from rheumatoid arthritis.

things are going well.  i'm tired but happy -  my brother is getting married today.  i'm excited and already tired.

work is good.  i've been plugging along and am now working evenings with legal clients - people with DWI arrests, CPS involvement.

i'm in school - my last semester.  i'll graduate in january and will have the opportunity to walk in a cap and gown and receive my diploma in may.  i haven't decided if i want to do that yet but i think i do.

and i'm also thinking about masters programs.  i think i might go for an MSW.  amazing, since five years ago i wasn't even thinking about school.

i think it's going to be a rough day.  amazing and fun and exciting, but tiring and missing mom.

i have a commitment issue.

i can't blog regularly.

i just don't know what my problem is.  i have so much to say, but i just don't write it out.

work has been amazing.  getting paid to help people kick substance abuse is rewarding and frustrating and terrifying and fulfilling.  i don't love watching people pee in cups, i hate being lied to, and i'm learning to identify the master manipulators sooner rather than later.  my background in customer service/admin and having owned my own business mean i'm a pro at the paperwork side of it, even though much of it is on the computer.  actually, that might be why i'm so good at it.  i find it pretty easy to figure out how to do everything on the computer.  much of the stuff is intuitive for me; it makes sense.

i'm only working 19 hours a week and am desperate for more hours.  as it is, i've been working a lot for free.  i work 4 days a week and never take my 30 minute lunch: that's 2 hours of free work a week.  on mondays, i had gotten into the habit of staying up to 2 hours late for free.  during the week it's not uncommon for me to stay at least 30 minutes late.  and on fridays, well anywhere from 1-2 hours late has been the norm.

have you kept up with that?  that's 7-8 hours of FREE WORK every week.

three or four hours of my time every week is expected to go to supervision or training, leaving me around 15 hours to see 7 or 8 clients (an hour a pop), run two groups (at least 3 hours total), and complete at least two intake assessments (about 5 hours).  if you add it up, it just about works.

if that was all i did.  that doesn't take into account the urine testing i have to do for my clients and other clients.  it doesn't account for extra paperwork, like treatment planning or admission/discharge crap.  it doesn't include time for calling probation officers and waiting for call backs and touching base with other counselors or faxing child protection.... on and on and on.

so, yeah.  i do about 26-27 hours of work a week.  and i know there's a 28 hour position in other locations... we just don't have the budget for it at our location.  damn it.  damn it all.

i've decided i can't get burned out.  i can't be continually taken advantage of.  so i've decided i have to leave closer to my scheduled time.  this week, i actually put my 30 minute lunch on my computer scheduler every day.  i try to stop working; today i managed to take almost 20 minutes looking away from my computer and doing not much work-related crap; i messed around on my phone.  i left 40 minutes late yesterday and about 25 minutes late today.  i took some time to really consider my schedule and see how i can move appointments around to better suit leaving on time.

my thought is that if i ONLY work the 19 (okay, maybe 21) hours a week, i won't be able to tackle any additional 'stuff'; hell, i may barely be able to tackle my stuff.  then they'll see that i either need a smaller caseload (booooo) or more hours (yaaaaaay).

it's strange, sort of.  having a job i love so much that i don't mind working for free.   because that's not it - i don't really mind working for free.  it's just i'd rather they pay me for it.  and if i keep doing it for free, they'll never realize they need to pay me for it.

i've thought about taking another part time job.  i'm not sure that will work very well, but i'd like the extra money.  it would be nice to have a bucketful of money to take to florida next fall.

how i make my cat food

yup, i make my own cat food now.  piglet won't eat it, of course, and she's probably the one who needs it.  she's in kidney failure and i started making cat food so i could control the ingredients and the phosphorous levels, which is important when cats have kidney failure.  so piglet won't eat it, but jake and samantha love love love it.

please check with your vet.  i am not a vet.  cats have specific nutritional needs and this diet may NOT meet AAFCO standards like commercial pet foods.   this recipe in particular does not have the calcium to phosphorus ratio that commercial pet foods have.  i did this on purpose to try and positively effect piglet's kidneys.  i am confident that it is appropriate for my cats based on their needs.

there are many theories as to why diabetes, obesity, and kidney failure is so common in today's pet cats.  i believe it is because we humans are lazy and feed cats whatever is easiest for us.  kibble is crap.  it's full of bacteria and questionable ingredients and stuff that cats actually cannot digest.  cats do not have the digestive enzymes that help digest vegetables and fruit.  cats have no need for added veggies and fruit.  nor do they need grain carbohydrates like corn, wheat, or rice.  cats are obligate carnivores - all they need is meat.  cats in the wild eat birds and rodents (fur and feathers), often eating the entire carcass EXCEPT for the innards - stomach, intestines, digestive stuffs.  cats eat the bones - they're full of calcium (and phosphorus) and help keep their teeth in good shape.


ingredients - all measurements are raw:

5 to 5.5lbs chicken thighs, boneless (if using skin, remove at least half of the skin - do not trim fat)
4oz chicken livers 
8oz chicken hearts 
3 eggs, whole - cooked 
3 egg whites - cooked 
4000mg taurine - buy capsules 
1/2tsp lite salt - in the spice aisle (morton makes it)
1 capsule jarrow b-right complex - b complex vitamins STINK. jarrow b-right is very low odor and non offensive to my cats.
200iu dry vitamin e - buy capsules
5 1000mg capsules fish oil 
eggshell powder (5-6tsp)

1. cook your chicken bits.  i put all the thighs in one 9x13" pyrex, and i put the livers and hearts into an 8" pyrex.  i put a little bit of water in with the hearts and livers, maybe 1/4 cup.  i use an electric thermometer, which i can set to a specific degree and it beeps so i know my chicken is done.  (i cook to 150º, which should kill the most dangerous bacteria - cats have sturdy digestive tracts and can handle way more bacteria than we can.)  cover your pyrex dishes tightly with foil and pop in a 350º oven.

raw chicken thighs - some had bones in them. i don't recommend doing that. it's annoying.

2.  wait.  the livers and hearts may be a little overcooked.  feel free to take them out after about 15 minutes if you prefer.  i'm lazy and don't care enough.  listen, cats eat this stuff raw, too.  the cooking is mainly because my cats eat slow and you can't leave raw food out for the cats for more than about 30 minutes.  cooked food, i can leave out a bit longer if they're still grazing.

3.  gather your crap.  you'll want to prepare your grinder, the bowl you're grinding stuff into, and get another bowl to mix stuff in.  get all your supplements together.

all my supplements - fish oil, jarrow b-right, taurine dry e, and lite salt.

4.  cook your eggs.  i scramble them.  SAVE THE SHELLS - rinse them out and set them aside for a few.

5.  when your thighs and livers and hearts come out of the oven, remove the meaty parts from the dishes and put them in your bowl in the sink.  run cold water in this bowl over all the meaty parts to stop the cooking (and make them easier to handle in a shorter amount of time).  RESERVE THE LIQUID IN THE PYREX DISHES - you'll need this.

this is after i ran the thighs in cool water to stop the cooking and deboned the thighs. which was really annoying.  leave the skin and fat on - it's good for the cats.

6. when the chicken parts are cool enough to handle, start grinding.  i keep a 7" knife on hand to cut the thighs into pieces small enough to feed through my grinding tube thingy.  every couple of thighs that i grind, i toss in a few hearts, some liver, some scrambled egg (unless i forget, then i mix in the egg at the end).

i use the grinder accessory on my kitchen aid stand mixer, and it handles the chicken parts wonderfully.  it will NOT handle bones, so don't try it.  and my recipe has NO bones in it.

7.  while grinding, feel free to pop your egg shells in a warm oven or toaster oven - we're not really cooking them, just drying them out a bit.  if they start browning, you should turn down the heat.  i leave mine in the toaster at around 200º for maybe 8 minutes.

my toaster oven is old and nasty. i want a new one, but i want a cool color. they don't come in cool colors.

8.  so at this point, you should have a big bowl of ground up thighs, livers, and hearts - oh, and if you didn't feed your scrambled eggs through the grinder already, pop them in the bowl now...

ground mix - thighs, hearts, liver, and i tossed in the lightly scrambled eggs.

9.  now you have an empty bowl that used to hold the cooked meaty bits.  rinse that out and grab a strainer.  strain the liquid from the 9x13" thigh pyrex into this bowl.

chicken drippings. yum.... not really, yuck.

10.  sometimes you can use what's left in the strainer - if it's small, mushy, fatty pieces, feel free to throw them in the ground mixture.  you'll mix your supplements into this liquid - open and empty the taurine, dry e, and b-right capsules into the liquid.  poke holes in the fish oil capsules and squeeze out the oil (if you still have the grinder up, grind the empty gelatin capsules from the fish oil - gelatin is found naturally in bones, so adding it might be good for the cats.  or throw them out.  whatever.).  measure out your lite salt and add that.  stir or whisk, just get everything as combined as you can.

11.  now we have the eggshell powder.  those dried eggshells you had in the oven?  you can put them in a food processor (very, very dusty) or grind them by hand with a mortar and pestle.  that's what i do.  i sit on the couch and watch tv while i do it.

this is my marble mortar and pestle.  i roughly crunch up the eggshells and then spend about ten minutes working them into a finer powder. it's not SUPER fine, but it's better than using the cuisinart because the dust is ridiculous.

12.  the eggshell powder won't dissolve in the liquid.  so you can pour it right into the ground mix bowl, and then pour in the bowl full of liquid.

adding the chicken drippings with the supplements mixed in.

13.  mix well.  i like my cat food to be smushy but not wet.  a bit drier than canned cat food pate.  if it seems a little dry, add in the liquid from the 8" pyrex that we cooked the liver and hearts in.  mix mix mix.  you want everything combined and the eggshell all throughout and the egg mixed in well.

all mixed up and ready to portion out.

14.  section it out.  i use quart size freezer bags and a food scale.  i put 9 ounces of food into each freezer bag, then squish out the air, flatten it, and place it in the freezer.  this feeds jake and samantha for one day; they get about 1.5oz at each of three feedings.  it will take almost 24 hours to defrost in the fridge.  if it seems a bit dry coming out of the freezer, add some warm water to moisten it.  jake and samantha like it as-is without any added water.

i modified this recipe based on recipes i found on the cat site, and i'm comfortable with the nutritional content.  jake and samantha really seem to enjoy it; piglet not so much.  she's been seeming sickly the last week or ten days though... i'm waiting for her most recent blood work results and then we'll see what our next steps are.

if you want to feed your cats a raw or home cooked diet, do the research.  not many vets support it, so it's up to you to do the research.  if you can get a nutritional analysis to show your vet, he or she may be more on board.  or maybe you'll be lucky enough to find a vet who supports home cooked/raw foods and helps you develop a diet.  another option is to use a balanced mix - you supply the meat and buy this premix; once you add it in and mix it all up, it's nutritionally balanced for cats.  a few premixes that are well regarded are TCfeline, Alnutrin, and Feline Instincts.  If you're hoping to learn more about why to feed your cats like this, check out catinfo.org where dr. lisa pierson - a vet - shares what she's learned about feeding her cats.

does anyone else feed their cats home cooked or raw?  

memorial day memories

i ran to the store to buy chicken so i can make more cat food for my furry family.  there was a bit of a jam at the light, by the end of our parking lot.  there's a decorative fountain there, as well as a flag pole and apparently an oft-overlooked memorial stone.  the commotion was a group of vets in uniform, laying a wreath at the memorial stone, saluting, and firing off a few rounds into the air.

i haven't thought about my grandfather in years.  he died august of 2001, weeks before the 9/11 attacks.  i remember sitting on our front stoop after 9/11, smoking a cigarette, and talking about how glad i was my grandfather died before 9/11 because it would have broken his heart.  grandpa didn't sit around talking about the action he'd seen fighting overseas in world war II; he didn't often bring out uniforms or medals and talk to me about them.  but he was an active member of his local VFW group, butehorn brothers post 4987, and was a commander for some years.  he was honored by the nassau county american legion as legionnaire of the year 1992-1993.  grandpa was active in his veterans groups and active in his home after the war, bethpage.  he regularly wrote for the local bethpage tribune; i often would page through the paper and find something written by him, or photos he took.

as a young girl, there were many times i'd see myself in that paper.  i didn't realize the importance of memorial day back then.  i remember sitting in my grandparent's den, where grandpa's computer was, and cutting up ribbons to be tied around telephone poles and trees to mark the route of the memorial day parades.  i was active in the local girl scouts, as a brownie and a junior girl scout, and loved marching in the parades.  i would volunteer to hold the american flag, not the girl scout flag or another flag, but the american flag.  i took pride in ensuring that i held it higher than the other flags carried by other girls, because i knew it was important that the american flag always be above other flags.  i would often meet my grandparents at the community park in bethpage where the parades always ended, and would stand with my grandfather, in his VFW hat with pins i didn't understand, as he and his fellow veterans laid wreaths on memorial plaques.  i remember seeing tears in my grandfather's eyes and knowing how important this was, but i didn't understand why.

after i moved away from bethpage, away from the girl scouts and the parades, i grew up.  i became an asshole teenager, was swallowed by my depression, engulfed in drug use, and the subject of an abusive relationship with a parental figure.  my stepfather was a vietnam vet.  he never spoke of his time in vietnam, only once when he got really drunk - he brought out photos of him and his fellow soldiers in vietnam.  he did tell me he lost his teeth over there, he was shot at least twice and had a piece of shrapnel he once invited me to feel under his skin - i think it was in his shoulder; memories of that time of my life are not sharp.  i remember how important it was in the house we rented for him to put up an american flag.  i remember when he added a POW/MIA flag.  i remember how during the summer, for weeks at a time, he would light candles under the flags in our yard.  i once asked him about it, when we were high and getting along.  he said he promised friends that didn't come home from vietnam that he'd remember them.

i remember being so angry at my stepfather; he was often mean to me, verbally and physically abusive.  he'd give me all the pot i wanted but i always ended up paying for it.  we had a tumultuous relationship - unlike the relationships he had with my mom and brother.  as i got older, i realized that he was probably doing the best he could with what he had been through.  does it excuse it?  no, of course not.  but it helps explain it.  my stepfather was a deeply wounded man, a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing and whatever horrors and hell he experienced during his years in vietnam.  and then, to know what he came home to, how the support for the war - and the returning troops - just wasn't there.

who knows what my grandfather and stepfather saw on their respective tours that affected them so deeply.  how many men they may have lost or left behind.  how many times they may have thought they were not going to make it home.  my grandfather came home after world war II a hero; my stepfather returned from vietnam a villain.  they both had their faults - my grandfather may have seemed like a larger-than-life hero when i was a small girl, but age brings wisdom (and family stories), and people's fault lines begin to show.  my stepfather may have seemed like a hurtful, spiteful dick who would turn on a dime and be a caring, supportive parent, but again - age brings wisdom, when people's fault lines become understood.

on memorial day, we often wander from barbecue to barbecue.  we may hang out by a pool or at the beach for the first time of the season.  we have a day off from work, we go to the malls to shop the sales or use the excuse to hit home depot and get some work done in the yard.  we use it as an excuse to have fun, drink too much, and see friends and family we haven't connected with since we all holed up for the long new york winter.  i was planning on laundry, cooking cat food, and some cross stitching.

instead, i decided to write.  i haven't thought about my grandfather in so long, and i haven't thought about my stepfather in positive terms in a long time.  but both of them served their countries: when asked to leave their homes for combat overseas, they did not hesitate to do what they were being asked, even knowing that they may not come home.  this is what memorial day is about.  neither my grandfather nor my stepfather died in combat, but they both served their countries.  we have thousands of soldiers who have returned from service and suffer at the hands of a ridiculous veterans administration; suffering from PTSD and undiagnosed illnesses.  we have veterans who are still trying to determine the effects that agent orange may have had on them, and veterans who are still trying to figure out how to return to 'normal life' and reintegrate in society while seeing visions of the horrors they may have witnessed.  and we have veterans who come home less than whole, missing limbs or parts of themselves, parts of their souls.  or veterans who come home draped with an american flag.  veterans who are lost and never come home at all.

remember that.  i'm a big hippy pacifist, most of us know that.  i don't like violence, i don't like guns.  but i don't run this country and i don't run the world.  our armed forces protect us every day, whether it's the coast guard protecting our waterways and boaters, the national guard responding to devastating disasters within our borders, or the branches of the forces that are sent to protect our interests and people overseas.  they do what most of us can't - or won't - and the deserve at least a thought today, a thank you.

thank a serviceman or servicewoman.  check out charity navigator's listing of charities to support our troops.  or click on one of the links below to give back to the veterans who have given us so much.

***please leave a comment if you donate to support our troops and/or veterans - for every reader that donates, i will add $1 to my planned donation to the USO, up to $50***

happy memorial day.

wounded warrior project
USO
homes for our troops
disabled american veterans
veterans of foreign wars foundation
operation gratitude - write letters of thanks to servicemen/servicewomen

yeah.... no.

that holistic vet that we went to?  rip off.

that $300 nutrition consultation?  the special, customized diet designed specifically for piglet?

it was ONE RECIPE that was made with a premix called balanceIT.  literally.  it was lamb, sweet potato, fish oil, and balanceIT powder.

$300.

ONE RECIPE.

PREMADE MIX.

it was like i paid $300 for a fucking advertisement.

so we didn't do that.  we made a different raw recipe.  i bought all my own supplements - fish oil, taurine, vitamins, all that crap.  i ground up raw chicken thighs, chicken livers, and small chicken hearts.  which was slightly devastating to me.

and the cats like it.  it's nutritionally balanced, it isn't made with a premix, and it didn't cost $300.

i took piglet for her 4th acupuncture appointment today.  it's $62 a session instead of $172.  and it's less than 10 minutes away with traffic, not 40 minutes away.  i'm hoping to get piglet's blood drawn by another vet within the next week or so to see where we're at.  i've decided that i'm basically going to suck it up and just go to a local vet that's not an idiot and refuse to discuss nutrition.

now, the smell of the raw food is making me sick.  literally.  and i'm very nervous about raw chicken and my stupid immune system.  awesome husband @_antgas and i are considering cooking the food next time.  at least it will still be home cooked and i will have control over what's in it.

in other non-cat news, next week is my last week of interning.  i'll be a full fledged alcohol and substance abuse counselor come june 2nd.  i'm super excited.  i've been decorating my office and buying twelve step books and all types of awesome shit.  very exciting.

i've been very tired recently, not sure if it's my RA or if i'm just beating myself up too much.  or working too hard.  or something.  ugh.

at least my cats are healthy.

update on awesome husband & piglet...

awesome husband @_antgas is no longer sick.  he's all better.  and back to work.  thank goodness.

but now he's got some pinched nerve or something or other.  he wakes up every night in pain now, around his neck and shoulders.  ugh.

now, me on the other hand.  i spent five days fighting with aetna insurance again trying to get my damn humira.  i got it.  damn it.  damn it.

and then my rheumy is leaving.  moving to texas.  so i have to find a new rheumy.  and start over with that relationship.  damn it.  DAMN IT.

i took my humira on saturday.  then sunday, monday, and tuesday nights i had so much trouble sleeping!  i don't remember this happening the first two times i took humira.  but i've been having really shattered sleep, like i keep waking up.  i go to bed at 9pm and sleep until 7am (i stayed up until 10pm last night, barely).  and then i have really vivid, really ridiculous dreams.  mostly drug dreams and sex dreams.  and the most annoying part is that i wake up and think about how stupid crazy the dream is, then roll over to go back to sleep... AND THE DREAM CONTINUES.

ridiculous.

piglet did well at her holistic vet appointment.  he handed me a $1200 estimate, including over $600 for X-rays... fucking X-rays.  i paid $300 for a nutritional consult - i filled out some paperwork about what i've fed piglet, what kind of things i want to do (feed raw, home cooked, etc) - and that paperwork goes to a veterinary nutritionist who reviews piglet's most recent vet records and designs a specialized diet for her.  i'm excited about it and hopeful that i can modify some of it to feed samantha and jake that food too.  holistic vet also wants us to give piglet chinese herbs to support renal function and acupuncture.

we believe in acupuncture.  but this holistic vet wanted to charge $95 for acupuncture AND the $77 office visit fee... and it's 35 minutes away and piglet hates the car.  so i did some calling and found a very local veterinary emergency clinic that has an acupuncturist on site that charges around $50 - the only thing i have to do is pay $150 for a one-time consult.  i'll live with that.  piglet will have acupuncture once a week for at least a few months.

and then holistic vet will take blood again and we'll see what piglet's kidneys are doing.  but she seems to be feeling well - piglet eats and drinks and runs and plays and stomps on me with her pretty pointy feet.

love it.

good gravy

so awesome husband @_antgas has been sick.  he wouldn't come home early from work yesterday, but took some cold & sinus crap and felt 'better'.  he came home and snuggled down on the couch.  i made french onion soup and grilled roast beef & cheese sandwiches.  we ate, we watched cartoons, @_antgas napped, we went to bed.  he's had a fever - fluctuating between 99º and 102º for at least 30 hours at this point (he felt very feverish while at work).

awesome husband @_antgas stayed home from work today, stretched out on the couch with cats watching wwe network.  he said he felt a bit better after eating some advil.  i made pasta with butter and a sprinkle of parmesan cheese for dinner, figuring it was nice and simple for him (@_antgas ate during the day without issues, but wasn't hungry for anything).

he took two, maybe three bites, and vomited A LOT in the bathroom.  thankfully he made it to the bathroom.

it was surprising, considering he's had this fever for more than a day and ate normally yesterday.  today he had english muffins and berries and a banana and brownie/cookie bars and had no problems.  pasta with butter and BOOM vomit city.

excellent.

if awesome husband @_antgas gets me sick, i'm going to kick him in the nuts.

piglet's going to a new, holistic vet on saturday.  she needs blood work and i want to talk about putting her back on a raw diet.  perhaps homemade raw this time, where i'd cut or grind raw meat here at home, then add a powder supplement that adds all the necessary vitamins (like taurine).  this vet is western trained, so he practices what most people consider 'normal' veterinary medicine alongside holistic stuff like natural supplements and acupuncture.  here's hoping piglet does well on the drive over and with the new vet!

my first week of being a paid counselor!

it was good.  i had four days as a paid counselor and one day as an intern.  i supervised about 8 urine tests (awesome, right?) and lead a few groups.  i did some more decorating in my office.  i have two posi vinyl clings on my walls and moved around my desk and rehabbed that $15 craigslist bookcase for my office.  it came out pretty good and i plan on doing a separate post about that.  with photos.  of course.

awesome husband @_antgas had to travel for work this past week, so it feels like i haven't seen him since last weekend.  he came home on thursday night, we worked on friday, and now today we're thinking of doing some shopping.  it's supposed to be a rainy, icky day for much of the day so we thought being in the mall would be okay.  and maybe we'll spend some time at home just relaxing.  ultimately i have to clean the apartment and do laundry, too, but i have tomorrow as well.

that farm we like to go to is having what they call chick-a-palooza this weekend.  lots of chickens and some vendors and bee keeping talks and stuff like that.  we went last year and are planning on going tomorrow for a couple of hours.

of course, nothing goes as smoothly as we want it to.  up the chain somewhere at work, someone is convinced that i can't do work that we bill medicaid for.  i work for a non-profit where the majority of clients are on medicaid.  like, probably 90% of clients are on medicaid.  so i don't know why someone gave the okay to hire me if i can't do anything billable.  i keep going on all the state websites to find proof from the state that i can do billable work and submitting it to people who should care and they keep not caring.  they're paying me to be an intern at this point.  it's pretty hysterical.

but my supervisor decided to give me two clients yesterday during case conference.  she said that if they still get bitchy about me doing billable work, she'll take them.  but what will probably really happen is that i'll be their 'counselor' and she'll pop in at the end of the sessions so we can bill.  it's just, ugh.  nothing can be easy.

i almost had a breakdown last tuesday because i called my therapist so that i could switch my appointment time from fridays at 10am, since i'll be working, and i was told he had no other availability.  it really threw me because it's hard to find a therapist that i don't hate.  and we've already started working together well; it's been a couple of months.  thankfully one of the other office assistants called me and asked for my availability, juggled some other clients around, and got me tuesdays at 3pm.  i was ridiculously happy.  like you have no idea.  and it's been two weeks since i've seen my therapist and i'm like ugh.  i can't wait until tuesday.

insert witty blog title here

i want to write, but i'm not coming up with anything good to title this random blog of crap.  so tough titties.  apparently i'm not going to be witty today.

piglet seems to be doing better.  she's active, and eating, and stepping on me with her pointy feet, and following me around relentlessly until i tell her to stay put and leave me alone.  so, back to normal.  i'm going pet food shopping today to switch up their food again.  i love love love the grain-free ingredient list of what i'm currently feeding, but the calorie count is really low.  i think i can find something close to as good with minimal grains and more calories.  and she's ready to go back on kibble starting today - which is excellent.  because we've been feeding her nighttime snack wet food on our bedroom floor.  and i don't know if it's a cat-eating-on-carpet thing or a new piglet-has-no-canines thing but she's a messy wet food eater now.  very messy.  i'm hoping to put all three cats on wet food breakfast and midday feeding, then kibbles for nighttime snack before bed.

i'm sad that i haven't been cross stitching recently but i've been doing other things.  i've picked up a few books about recovery and psychology and shit, so i've been reading.  one is about healing your inner child.  it's already very powerful and i think it will be useful, not just for me but in my counseling.  i also got a cute little book of daily affirmation things for recovery.  i'll use that in groups i think.  and i finished my positivity jar the other day!

positivity jar for work.  full of POSITIVITY!

i first collected five pages of positive affirmations.  some are for recovery, some are for self-worth and self-love, all are positive and applicable to anyone.  then i formatted them to be roughly the same size, like a largish return address label.  then i cut pretty scrapbook paper to 8.5x12" and reset the margins, then printed the affirmations one page at a time.  i used that cutting pad and a rotary cutter to cut each affirmation, folded each in half, and tossed them in the jar.  i used one of the scrapbook papers to cover the top part of the mason jar so it's pretty.  i'm considering seeing if any of my crafty friends have a cricut and could be commissioned into making a nice vinyl cling to put on the jar.  i plan on keeping this on my desk and when someone is having a particularly shitty day, they can get some positivity.  another idea is to bring it into group and pass it around, having everyone choose one and discuss it.  

i also bought another mason jar that i'm going to paint black on the inside (maybe with some glitter, who knows?) for negative thoughts.  i found a notepad with neon colored pages about 3"x5" that i'm going to have people write negative crap on, fold it up, and put it in that jar.  when i was in high school, we had a woman who ran the bookstore that we called 'mom'.  she was amazing and empathetic and loving and caring.  she truly cared about each of us, everyone in that school.  some of us gravitated toward her and spent a lot of time with her.  one day mom emptied out the bottom drawer of her desk and started having us write stupid shit that we needed to let go on her cube pad of neon paper.  we'd even draw little pictures sometimes.  then we'd fold it up and dump it in that drawer.  once it was in that drawer, that was it - we had to leave it there and let it go.  we went through that drawer when we were graduating high school, and it was ridiculous the types of shit we were going to hold on to.  i'm hoping to recreate that with this jar.  in recovery, we talk about recognizing what we can and cannot control, and letting go of what we can't control.  this is a tangible exercise in that.  i think.  

awesome husband @_antgas and i went to a local organic farm last weekend to meet baby animals.  i was kind of bummed that there were only a few baby animals - chicks and a lamb - but there were also alpaca.  which were neat.  but distracted.

@_antgas and the alpaca.  who was watching other things.

i pet a lamb! it was completely unconcerned with us and had a one track mind for nibbling.

then we stopped at another farm famous for it's pies.  @_antgas got a peach pie and we got some cookies.  i don't like peach pie, but he enjoyed it.  (not all of it, we shared with his parents and grandma.)

and then a couple of weeks ago i broke down and cooked meat.  i mentioned 'pot roast' once to awesome husband @_antgas and he couldn't get it out of his mind apparently.  i bought a huge pot roast, enough for dinner and lunch for him for the entire week.  i made it and it was fucking delicious and i felt horrible touching and cooking meat.  but it was worth it.  i'm still sticking to my roughly 90% vegetarian lifestyle (i don't like labels and i like freedom to eat whatever the fuck i want) but i haven't had my mom's pot roast in a very, very long time.  the gravy wasn't as thick as i'd have liked, but it's been years since i've tried to make gravy so i was pretty pleased with it all around.

um, yum.

and then i picked up a bookcase from craigslist.  it was $15 and it's not real wood but it was $15.  i'm going to prime it and paint it and use it in my office.  i'm thinking of trying to take the back off and wrap it in fabric or line it with scrapbook paper.  or i might paint the insides one color and the outside another.  or something else i find on pinterest that ruins life for me.

so, life has been good.  i'm going to be a paid counselor as of monday.  the cats are doing well.  i'm feeing okay emotionally.  still in a lot of pain rheumatoid disease wise.  the humira doesn't seem to be helping at all.  yet.  it's only been about 3 weeks, so we'll see.  hopefully it starts to work.  and hopefully it works well and i won't have a lot of pain and i'll be comfortable again.

what a week.

it's just been up and down.

piglet had her surgery tuesday morning and is home recuperating.  her four canine teeth looked like 'swiss cheese' according to the vet dentist, so all four were removed.  two of her premolars have been resorbed.  the vet dentist says piglet does have feline odontoclastic resorptive lesions, and it may end up affecting other teeth in the future.  we're waiting for biopsy results from the gum tissue; should have them by monday.

i've had a rough week feelings and pain-level wise.  i'm more swollen than i've ever been, and i'm in as much pain as i've ever been.  the methotrexate (chemo) does not seem to be helping yet, but it's only been two weeks since i've restarted the medication.  and i took my first shot of humira a week and a half ago, with no results as of yet.

it would be nice to not always feel like shit.  i remember when i got my gallbladder out, i was shocked to realize how much it was affecting my digestion and tummy and stuff.  i'm kind of hoping the same thing happens - i wake up one day and my rheumatoid disease is being successfully treated and i'm no longer in this much fucking pain all the time.

we'll see.

have a good weekend :)

life goes on

sorry i've been a bit absent.  i've been a bit busy.

piglet's in the hospital overnight.  she'll be having dental surgery tomorrow.  i went to a veterinary dentist and it was worse than my old vet thought.

i say old vet because i won't be going back there.

on the happy news side, i was offered a job.  the place i've been interning got the approval for me to do billable work and wants me to start working like now.  so i'll be working 19 hours a week as a paid employee and doing about 10 hours a week as an intern.  once my intern hours are done in june, i'll just work the 19 hours a week.  and that's fine by me.

i'll post with more info once i figure everything out.  piglet will be having surgery in the morning and i'll be going to my internship to sign the paperwork to get paid.  lots ob mixed emotions right now.