my final blog..... of 2010

the blogger's version of the 'see you next year' joke.  remember, in school?  probably like middle school, when we all had THE BEST sense of humor.  the last day of school before the chrimbo holiday break, you'd tell all your friends 'see you next year!'.  like any of us would forget and be like - WHAT?? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEXT YEAR? WE HAVE A SCIENCE TEST IN JANUARY. 

kids.

so now that we're grown up (ish) bloggers, i can say 'my final blog.... of 2010' and think that maybe you'll only see 'my final blog' and be like ZOMG STEPH GAS I LOVE YOU WHY WOULD YOU STOP BLOGGING?!??!!??! 

and then you see the 'of 2010' part and are like, oh.  okay then.  you got me.  well played, steph gas, well played.

not really.

anyway. my new job started this past monday.  while i was stranded in new york.  thankfully, they've been supergreat through the past month - cutting me some slack while mom was in the hospital, moving me into another class when she died and i needed time off, and the other peeps i'm working with have been really supportive.  they help me with my stupid n00b questions and it's a great group of people.  however, i feel horrible because when i switched classes, they dumped all my codes to access systems to help people.  sooooo i'm kind of useless right now. 

but still, they pay me and let me learn and don't say nasty things to my face.  probably just behind my back.

and when it rains, it pours, because i may have another top secret job offer in the works.  but it's totes, like, top secret.  so i'm not telling you yet.

all in all, the past six months have had super high highs and fucking ridiculously low lows.  it's been one hell of a roller coaster and i really don't know how i feel about any of it.

tarzipan helps.  no, really.  i get that kind of flat affect thing that anyone who's ever taken anti-psychotic medications is probably familiar with.

looking back over my year, i don't even know what to think.  the only thing i can really remember is my mom dying, and that was just a few weeks ago.  she's not even been gone a month.  i keep finding myself wanting to call her.  if we go out to dinner, i want to call mom and remind her to eat since i won't be cooking.  samantha did something really funny, and i wanted to call her and let her know.  when we were in new york, i wanted to call her to vent about being stuck in the blizzard. 

when i was in new york, i figured she was home with the cats.  when i'm in florida, i figure she's in new york living with my revbobdad.  i remember discussions i've had with people, saying i wouldn't be able to get on with out my mom.  how just talking about her dying was enough to get me borderline hysterical.  i always thought i'd never be able to function without her in my life.

so far, i am.  i'm not sure how well i'm doing, but i am functioning.  i'm surviving.  i'm living.  and i'm kind of enjoying it once in a while. 

i asked my brother if i could share what he wrote to read at my mom's wake.  this was the only thing i hated about mom's wake - he didn't tell me he was preparing something and he totes showed me up.  dick. 

anyway, here it is.  and remember how fucking precious life is.  i'm not going to get all tim-mcgrawy on your ass and say 'live like you were dying' (even though that's one of the very few country songs i like) but don't be a dick.  have fun.  love people.  try hard to love yourself.  and let people love you.  enjoy your friends and family.  don't fucking hold grudges.  and seriously - stop smoking. 

I never thought I'd be writing my mother's eulogy this far ahead of my 30th birthday; I always thought it would be a more adult worry for a more adult version of myself. It's hard for me to think of what to say in a situation like this. Our family has always been very open to speak about death, so that way, when it did come knocking on our doorstep, we would not react with fear or shock but with the ability to understand that it is the most inevitable part of life. But on a day like this, when death has not waited kindly on the doorstep but barged through the door right past us, raided the fridge, and sat down with his feet on the coffee table, how do you react? I can't help but find myself trying to make a joke about it because for as long as Mom had been a part of my life, that is how we've done it.


Mom never would have wanted us to sit in a room draped with black bunting, with the lights dimmed low, and with tears flowing freely. She would've told us we were wasting our time being miserable when there are so many more ways we could be out there making ourselves smile. I can almost hear her saying, "why bother crying when it's not going to change anything?" And for the most part, I think she was right. Mom always taught me to look at the lighter side of life, to find the happiness and joy in the small things and not get bogged down worrying about the things you can't have. I feel like everyone in this room would has their own personal story about Kathy that would bring a smile to their face, and I'm willing to bet that they're all completely different stories from completely different times and completely different places. Mom had an infectious personality that couldn't help but leave a smile on your face.


The one trait I could hope to have gained from Mom was her generosity of spirit. There are so many points in my life where I can remember mom putting my sister and myself before her own needs, making sure we were comfortable and happy before worrying about her own problems. Our lives may have had difficult times, but she never let us go wanting because of that. She always taught us that material possessions are not where happiness lay - it was in the experiences you had and the people you shared them with. I remember her always telling me when I was younger to live by the golden rule - treat others as you would want to be treated. It's a rule we all strive to live by but too easily forget, but a way of life that mom imprinted on me. I think it would be amazing if I could wind up being a tenth of the good person Kathy was.


I think if there is one thing Mom can teach us in her passing, it is to value not just what we have, but who we have it with. The amount of love and compassion that has been shown to our family has been mind-blowing; I could have never imagined how many lives she had touched. Whether you knew her as intimately as her brothers, sisters, or children did, or have just heard the stories we've been telling over the last few days, I hope that her spirit and generosity will stay with you through the years. I love you, Mom, and I always will treasure the time I had with you.




mom at sanaa, july 2010



happy fucking holidays.

i'm stuck in new york until tomorrow.  thanks, blizzard of 2010.

we had it all planned out: land thursday night, xmas eve with the family, xmas day running around with the family, and sunday we'd have breakfast and get the fuck home.  since some of us started a new job yesterday.

instead, it fucking snowed LIKE WOAH.  like 20+ inches, 60+ mph winds, blowing snow, ice, the whole nine yards.  and our sunday flight was cancelled.

so i called jetblue to reschedule (at least they were letting us do it for free) and the first flight we can get back to orlando is TOMORROW morning.  so instead of flying out sunday afternoon, we can't fly out until wednesday morning.

fucking. snow.

i mean, it's pretty, whatever.  but my new job started yesterday and i would have liked to be home to start it.  instead, i'm trying to do it on my laptop which isn't really 'work-ready'.  at least they fucked up all my codes to log in so i can kind of blame it on them.

and since it's snowy and icy and the roads are for shit, i can't even spend the extra two days i have here eating delicious new york food or visiting new york friends. 

yes, i mentioned food before friends.  i love you guys, totes.  i promise.  but i also love pizza and greek food.  at least i was able to get some greek food on friday with sisterfromanothermister and awesome husband.

anyway, happy fucking holidays guys.  hope it was better than mine was.  at least i have new year's to look forward to, a night when we drink and play video games and fall asleep by 10:30.

coming home

i know i've been a horrible blogger for the past month.  sometimes it's felt like a whirwind of activity, and sometimes it's felt like molasses in january. 

i'd love to say 'i'm back'.  i'd love to be able to promise you more posts about awesome husband, eating tarzipan, my ridiculous family, and my fucked up life.

i don't know that i can promise you any of that.  i get through my days with the help of tarzipan (and probably more alcohol than i should admit to drinking), awesome husband, my brother, and my great family and friends.  it takes a tragedy to bring us closer together sometimes, and that has been exceptionally true in my family.  it's not that i was like estranged from members of my family, but there were some family members that i might have only seen or talked to a couple of times a year.  with my mother's illness and passing, i feel like i have a whole new immediate family now.  specifically with a few of my cousins - even though i may not talk to them much more than i did previously, i feel like we are all closer.  and i wouldn't feel strange calling one of them in the middle of the night if i needed them.

it's a different feeling than i'm used to.  but i like it.

what i can promise you is more bullshit about life, the universe, and everything.  i plan on going back to talk therapy in the new year - so that will be worth at least a blog or two a week.  probably about how much i hate my therapist.  and awesome husband and i will be moving back to new york.  so packing and stressing and actually moving will be amusing - to you guys, at least.  and of course, i am continuing on with my schooling.  even though new york state will not recognize an education degree received online, so i had to switch my plan of attack.  i'll now be getting an associates with a concentration in psychology.

other than that, you'll probably have a lot of blogs about my mom.  about what happened, how fast it was, what it felt like, what i was thinking.  about planning your mom's funeral when you're 30 years old.  how it feels to have another empty room in the house.

about how i can't walk into her room too often, because it still smells like her.  how taylor - the oldest cat - has taken to sleeping on her pillow since mom left.  how i keep putting off opening her drawers or closets or looking under her bed, because i don't know if i can see her things yet.

so yeah, it won't be a barrel of laughs.  but i know it will be good - for me, at least.  and maybe it will help some of you too.

mom and me at my wedding, october 2004

another post i thought i wouldn't write, at least not for a long time

supersuperfast post.  my mom passed away this morning.  she went peacefully in her sleep.  it has been less than two weeks since she went to the emergency room experiencing vision loss. 

if anything, at least she went quickly and without having to fight.  the cancer spread so fast and was so aggressive that there was nothing they could do but keep mom comfortable.  i'll be here in new york for about another week, taking care of business and spending time with my family.

thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.

another post i never thought i'd write

here i am, sitting in the hospice inn at huntington (great facility by the way).  my mom is not doing great.  while she was occasionally smiling and giving us one-word answers to direct questions, she is now fully unresponsive.  she can no longer swallow.  her breathing is a bit ragged and gaspy - which is why they have her on oxygen, to keep her comfortable.  mom has a fever that they cannot break.  these are all signs that the end is near.

it sounds so melodramatic.  'the end is near'.  mom will gasp her last breath and die.  but it's really not that dramatic.  she breathes, albeit not well.  she has a compress on her head to try and keep her comfortable.  she gets morphine every four hours, also to keep her comfy.  there is a bag full of her pee hanging on the side of the bed.  mom has an iv needle thing stuck in her arm so they can administer the morphine, the steroids, and the anti-seizure medications.  her eyes are kind of open, but she isn't seeing anything.

if anything, it's like ANTI melodramatic.  it's actually pretty boring.  i do my classwork, watch some television, listen to her breathe, and shop online for her urn.  yes, you read that right: i am shopping for her urn as she lies on her deathbed and i am sitting next to her.  they have free wifi here.

my family is NOTHING if not practical.

today was an exciting day.  i had to go to the hospital where she was originally treated to hand in a fuckload of paperwork to get her medicaid application moving.  the social worker was shocked to find out mom is in hospice care.  even after she passes, he will still work on getting her medicaid approved so we don't have to pay the tens of thousands of dollars of medical bills that hospital stay (mostly in icu) wracked up.

then i got to go to the funeral home.  now, i am irish.  that means we like to wake.  there's four visitations over two days for a friend's aunt?  we're there for ALL FOUR.  seriously - the irish invented wakes.  you know how people always bring food to your home when someone dies?  there's a reason.  in ireland, when a family member died, the only room large enough to have everyone over to pay their respects was usually the kitchen.  the kitchen table would be cleared off and the body would be laid on it.  seriously.  and all the neighbors and friends and relatives would bring over food since the family's kitchen was otherwise occupied. 

things work a bit differently now, but the thought is still appreciated.  i'd prefer vodka instead of food.  and not smirnoff, please.  i'm irish, not desperate.  i prefer sobieski, grey goose, or at the very least, absolut.

so i went to the funeral home.  the guy - bill - was supernice.  we talked about having something a bit different.  mom was not one for open caskets.  hell, she didn't even want a wake - it's mostly for me and my brother.  and she wanted to be cremated.  so i was like, well, why don't we cremate her first, then have the wake instead of pumping her full of embalming crap and then cremating her and dumping her now-possibly-toxic ashes in the sea?  bill was totally on board.  we're doing a direct cremation - mom will be taken directly from the hospice inn to the crematory and then will be delivered to the funeral home.  we'll supply an urn (biodegradable, of course) and we'll basically have a wake with an urn instead of a casket.  i think mom would totally love it.

plus, it's a bit less expensive.  mom could pinch a penny until it screamed.  she'd definitely appreciate this.

but bill is taking care of everything.  obituary?  he helped me write it.  list of things i need to do?  he gave it to me.  how to pay for it?  i can give him mom's life insurance policy numbers and they'll contact the company, get their payment from the policies, and the company will send the rest to me.  could it be easier?

it could be.  mom could not be dying.  and i wouldn't have to do any of this, make any of these decisions.  i wouldn't have to tell my brother, my mom's siblings, or my dad what we plan to do when the end is no longer near, but passed.  i wouldn't have to pick out flowers to sit next to the urn, or photos to add to the collages we plan on having at the wake.  i wouldn't have to call the pastor from my high school to see if he'll come speak at my 56-year-old mom's funeral.  i wouldn't have to buy an appropriate pair of shoes to wear to her wake (i have been informed that my zombie shoes may not be appropriate.  while mom, awesome husband, brother, sisterfromanothermister, and select family members would appreciate it, the general consensus is most will not get it.  damn it.) or hope i have time to get my nails done.  i wouldn't have had to choose whether or not to include the cats in her obituary (yes, i did.  shutthefuckup).  i wouldn't have to figure any of this out.  i would be sitting at home, bitching about my cats yelling or fighting or vomiting on the bed, and mom would be here in new york, living with my dad - her ex-husband - and training for the new job she really wanted.  we'd be moving forward with our plan to come back to new york permanently and be a family again.

somehow, i don't feel like we will ever be a family again without mom.

superfast horrifying post

here in my head where i am full of the AWESOME and shit like that, i imagine that you all are constantly wondering what i am up to.  that you have noticed my absence over the past couple of weeks and have been wringing your hands in worry about my whereabouts.

in reality, you probably figured i'm a lame ass blogger who ran out of shit to say or something like that.

but in actuality, i've been in new york since november 21st.  which was last sunday.  i don't have the time or emotional capacity or energy to write the whole story out now, but believe me you'll probably hear enough about it in the near future.  the short version will have to do.

my mom went to the emergency room with vision loss last saturday night.  within hours they told us it was cancer.  a huge mass in her lung which has metastacized and is also in her brain and other inernal organs.  we were then told it was stage IV cancer.  we are still waiting for the official biopsy results - that's how fast this has all happened.  i am writing this from a hospice facility in huntington, new york where awesome husband and i are with mom, who is resting comfortably.  mom has lost just about all of her vision at this point and is sleeping at least 23.5 hours a day.  she only wakes up once in a while and says something.  when she does 'wake up' she is lucid and knows who i am and can answer some questions.

if you don't know, 'hospice' is a word that is only really used when people are about to die.  we don't have a real timeframe, but this facility only accepts people on a day to day basis.  mom is not expected to survive for more than a few days.  we cannot cure this cancer, only keep her comfortable while we wait for her to pass on.

so i may or may not be blogging for a bit.  i haven't read or commented on anyone else's blogs either.  and i don't know when i will be able to share this story.  now we are only hoping for a quick and peaceful passing for my mom, who deserves to have something easy in this life - even if it is only death.

i've a shiny turkey

that's right chaps and chapesses, i have received another award.  this comes from semi true torystellar over at can u relate? who OBVIOUSLY agrees with me that i'm superawesome and totes deserving of almost any award.

so i have this shiny turkey to show for my blogging efforts.



shiny happy turkeys holding hands.. um..

 now in addition to displaying this slick bird on my blog, i have to pass it on to 3-5 other deserving bloggers AND share a story involving some combination of “food, intoxication, kitchen, cooking/baking, or holidays”.

hmm.  i'll award it to tiffany at on the verge because i can only HOPE she has an awesome story about cooking.  i'll give one to simple dude here because he's a well-known award hog and i know at the very least he may have something useful to say about drinking and eating mcribs.  and finally i'll share a shiny fucking turkey with kristine who writes wait in the van because if she doesn't deserve a shiny fucking turkey, who does in this crazy, mixed up world?  seriously.

well, i eat a lot.  and i drink *sometimes*.  i'm in the kitchen often, cooking and/or baking (usually cooking) and i celebrate a few holidays.  but all of these things together?  hmmmmmmmmm....

this is harder than i thought.  the times i've gotten specifically slizzard i have prepared food ahead of time or been somewhere that we pay people to cook for us.  i have gotten superhigh and baked cookies before, but they were just those pillsbury cookie dough in a huge fucking pail that you scoop out and drop on a sheet and pop in the oven while you pack and smoke a tight bowl watch television.  i do go through four bottles of beer on st. patty's day, but they go into the corned beef, not my bloodstream.  i have gotten almost shitfaced on meade because that sneaks the fuck up on you, but neither kitchen nor cooking were involved.  and drinking on the holidays is so overrated.  that's what everyone else does.  what do you think i am, some kind of fucking CONFORMIST?  no, but seriously, i usually have to drive places on the holidays.  so no drinking for me.

i have stories about times i was drunk without pants on.  or drunk without a bra on.  or cooking without pants on.  or baking without pants on.  i mean, PANTS i can work with.

i tried to make dinner for my family the second day i took tarzipan and kept doing stupid things.  like not turning on burners.  or practically cutting my fucking finger off.  i'm sure it would be a hysterical story... if i could remember it.

sadly for you, most of my cooking/baking adventures turn out fairly successfully.  i'm usually sober (or mostly sober) on major holidays.  i've gotten drunk enough to sit (pantsless) on my kitchen floor and cry, but i don't think that is the kind of story this award requires.

i have failed you, semi true torystellar.  i've failed your award.  i don't deserve a shiny turkey.  or a matte finish turkey.  or even a shiny cornish game hen.

now all i can think about are cornish pixies from harry potter and the chamber of secrets.  DAMN YOU JK ROWLING.  just a couple of more days until i get my next harry potter fix.  i'm seriously JONESING for tihs damn movie.

i.

cannot.

wait.

to recap: i've failed at accepting this blog award.  i haven't taken a tarzipan yet today.  i can't wait for harry potter and the deathly hallows part one this weekend.  i haven't told any of you how my classes are going - school and work related.  i haven't discussed my personal life or my bullshit or my craziness for days.

have i withdrawn? you bet your sweet asses i have.  i'll work on pulling up my big girl panties and getting some shit done around here. until then, keep your unit on you.

are any of us 'living an authentic life'?

so i totes stole this idea from semi true torystellar at can u relate? because that's how i fucking roll.

but seriously.  it got me thinking.  read her post first so i can skip some of the backstory.

she talks about wearing a mask and not being authentic.  how so many of her friends are within the church and probably wouldn't approve of her real-life activities.  of course, semi true goes further and says they may lay hands on her and cast out her demons.  you might think she's joking.

she's not.

it's not that she's a bad person: she most certainly is not.  she is not a fraud.  she is not evil or wrong or horrible or hateful or mean to small children and furry animals.  she's pretty much awesome:  she drinks vodka, swears more often than she admits, bangs the hell out of her husband, and votes democrat. 

i don't see any problems.  i actually would say she's me, except i take full ownership of my swearing.

but semi true brings up that point:  she isn't a cursing, vodka-swilling, husband-humping liberal when she's with her friends. 

i posted a short comment on her blog (and owned up to the fact that i was copying her.  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so suck on it) stating how i WANT to say i'm myself all the fucking time.  how i'm always this real and awesome and crazy.

the truth is, i am always this awesome and crazy.  and i think i'm almost always this real.  i learned/was taught at an early age that appearances were important.  that some things were acceptable, and some were not.  i was not encouraged to share my feelings.  when i started 'acting out' at 11 or 12, i was brought to a psychotherapist who said i was lying for attention - that i was a pathological liar.  when i began being abused and mistreated by a family member, i told another adult - and was accused of lying.

i never brought it up again.

and thus began my foray into years of wearing many masks.  at school, i ventured between shy and crying to being outgoing and loud.  i would be holed up in the nurse's office or library hiding from people one day and holed up in an unlocked art closet with a boy the next.  i would lock myself in my bedroom and hang a blanket over the window and cry, or tape a plastic bag over my head and try to die.  i would go to a family function, all dressed up with my makeup done and smile and shake hands and be the perfect teenager.  i was myself in my bedroom, when i was alone.  some friends saw through a few of the cracks, some of my family picked up on things here or there, but what it all amounted to could be written off as 'hormones' or 'moody teenager'.  i hid my depression, my suicide attempts, most of my addictions, my cutting, my sexual activities, all of it.  no one - not one person - knew the whole story.

and i'd put my mask on and see my family or friends, i'd go over this one's house or meet that one's parents, and everything would seem fine.

until my 18th birthday.  at my paternal grandmother's house.  in front of my brother, dad, aunt and uncle, and grandparents i had a literal meltdown.  i barely remember what was said, but i remember shouting that i was sick of pretending to be someone i wasn't just to please them. 

it was freeing; it was horrifying.  i was disgusted with myself for acting like that, but pleased that the proverbial cat was out of the bag.

but was it?  i like to think that since that day, i have been myself - i'm not afraid for you to know i'm a neo-pagan: a witch.  i identify myself as a bisexual, as a democrat, as a big girl, as crazy, as a recovering addict, as a self-injurer, as an artist, as a cat-mom, as a wife, sister, and daughter.

i am always all of these things, whether or not i tell my friends or family, my prospective employers, people i meet in lines at disney.  just because i don't say these things doesn't mean i'm not these things.  it comes back to what semi true said: she is not authentic with these people because she is afraid they will reject who she really is. 

i think we all come to a point where we decide FUCK THOSE PEOPLE.  if they can't love me for who i actually am, why would i want them in my life?  but even then, there is a line.  don't we all have a friend who we really disagree with on at least one major issue?  for instance, i'm superagainst declawing cats to the point where when a friend was considering declawing her cats, i considered ending the friendship.  (she didn't and neither did i.) and looking back - i would not have ended the friendship.  i would have shared what i knew about declawing, let her horribly mutate her cats, been a bit mad at her inside, but kept the friendship.  that is not authentic.  but does that make it wrong?

it's like i said in the comment i left on semi true's blog.  i hate pants.  they are tight and clothesy.  my thighs get claustrophobic.  so often, when i am in for the night, i take my pants off.  since we currently live communally with mom, i try to put my yoga pants on.  but that doesn't always happen.  just because i don't take my pants off when i go to my dad's or my in-law's or your house, am i being inauthentic (or whatever the word would be)?

no, i'm being fucking polite by not subjecting you to my cellulite.

but i do have two friends who live in new york.  when i get to their house (when they don't have roommates who object) i take off my shoes, take off my pants, and curl up on their couch.  i know it's not exactly the same, but it's not really like i'm wearing pants (FINE, it's not like i'm wearing a mask.  you guys are boring).  it's not like i'm wearing a mask when i am in mixed company - it's not that i'm not being steph gas.  it's that some of steph gas is taking a time out because it's easier to keep the peace that way.

like my friends-who-i-remain-pantsless-with.  we went to disney and got drunk one night.  the two of us with BOOBS decided to flash all the tourists on the way home.  that was steph gas being steph gas.  me not taking my tits out when i go see my brother is not me being disingenuous.  it's just a part of steph gas that is taking a time out because my younger brother really doesn't need/want to see my bewbz.

so, to wrap it up here, the practical upshot of all this has to do with keeping your pants on and your BOOBS in their place when you are with people who might judge you.

it's not my fault i'm so full of the AWESOME

that's right, bitches.  i won another blog award.  here it is:

boo yah, sir.  boo yah.

this was bestowed upon me by semi true torystellar over at can u relate?  i'm supposed to list ten superhonest things about myself and to tell you the truth, i'm really pissed off right now because i worked superhard on it and blogger fucked me right up the ass and it's all gone now.  it's impossible to capture lightening like that twice, so this is probably going to be subpar and less awesome and i'm going to be angry and pissy and whatever.

ANYWAY.

1. in my mind, the barreness looks like nigella lawson.  i have an unhealthy borderline obsession with nigella, to the point where i cannot watch her cooking shows.  and since the lovely barreness speaks her mind on her anonymous blog about sexy things and naughty bits, it's only natural that i have developed an unhealthy borderline obsessive blog crush on her.
2. i spent more time than i'd like to admit geeking out and being in an online roleplaying wrestling federation.  that's right.  i made my own character and we'd write out promos and other more talented people would write out entire shows, complete with my character kicking guy's asses.  or having sex with them.  whatever.  geektastic.
3. i ate awesome husband's ding dong.  OMGGETYOURMINDOUTOFTHEGUTTER.  he has a box of ding dongs in the pantry and i just ate one because they are delicious.  you cheeky minxes.
4. i had my first serious crush on a girl on someone i'd known for years who may or may not be reading this blog right now.  no questions, please.  i won't tell you who it is so don't ask.  i like to keep you all quivering with antici........pation.
5. all i can think about now is how proud i was of my first list of ten superhonest things about myself, and how fucking pissed off i am that i lost it.  and i can't think of more honest things to say or remember what was on the first list.
6. i still pick my nose.  i'll own up to it.  i also have both nostrils pierced, so i think that entitles me to digging around in there.  i don't do it in front of company, though.  or at least, i try not to.
7. i am harder on myself than other people are on me.  and while i think that's true for a lot of people, i go a step further because i think that some people expect less from me because i'm crazy, so i push myself even harder.
8. i make people laugh.
9. i make people cry.
10. on good days, i think i'm a pretty rad person.  i've gone through a lot of shit and horribleness and terrible things to get here, and i think i turned out good.  i know i have even more shit to go through, but if i didn't go through what i've gone through, i'd be less of a person than i am now.  if that makes sense.

now i suppose it's time for me to pass this award on to some blogs i like.  i'm giving it to three people today, because i like the number three.

firstly is the barreness at hello, sailor.  she's supersuperhonest on her anonymous blog, as well as a bit naughty at times.  but i have to admire that kind of forthrightness.

second i'll share it with nicki at the loaded handbag because she is honest and her blog makes me think sometimes, but she's still funny and quirky and awesome.

and finally i'm passing this one on to stephaniec who writes seriously?? reeeally? seriously?.  not only is she honest with us, but i think stephc is pretty honest with herself on that blog.  plus?  she has THE BEST NAME.


now i'm going to go find something to eat and obsessively check to see if my eng101 grade has been posted yet.  steph gas, over and out.

sorry, no witty titles today. but i did get another award.

as usual, i have a BILLION ideas for blog posts that i never do.  i mean, what's the point of me blogging about something that was in the news and relevant weeks ago?  so i'm not going to talk about that mommy blogger who was getting shit from other moms for letting her son dress up as daphne for halloween.

because, honestly?  he rocked that wig.  and WHO THE FUCK CARES??!  it's halloween.  if little girls want to dress up as 'traditionally' boy things, no one minds.  double standard.  stupid crap.

ARGH.

so then i was like 'omg i should blog about my new classes' which are english 102 and cis 105, which apparently is like computer information science or something?  but the practical upshot of that class is that we learn how a computer works.

seriously.  like word processors and operating systems.  and how they work.  and i kind of spent two and a half years working in the consumer electronics field.  like selling computers.  and am more geeky and familiar with both macs and pc's than i care to admit.  so that should be SUPERFUN.

and we write another essay thing in my eng102 class.  2000-2500 words this time, and a persuasive essay.  i'm contemplating writing on legalization of marijuana.  it's supposed to be something that is like current and shit.  and our choices for topics are things like 'colonization', 'drugs', 'identity', 'war',  and 'culture'.  so i've been trying to find something that i can argue successfully that is current and interesting and shit.  i was thinking about branching 'identity' out to gender identity and talking about gays somehow.  or branching out 'culture' to somehow talk about how freedom of religion isn't really free.

but then i realized i'm pretty close to those two 'arguments' and might not be the best candidate for arguing them without bias.

and i made a new bag for my website.  which probably will sell as well as the others, which is NOT AT ALL.  i mean, the holidays are coming up so i'm hoping to get some orders.  but we'll see.  i'm probably going to sew a lot for holiday gifts this year.  but i can't give EVERYONE a fucking computer case (you can check out my shit here if you're really interested, but don't feel obligated because this blog is not about me selling my shit, it's about my venting my spleen).

and then tonight i start my new class for this new job.  it looks like i actually have to take the class to learn how to be a customer service rep for the company and then i'll learn about being a facilitator and helping other agents.  i also signed up my first agent under my corporation, so i'm growing that as well.  i'd like to get a small group of us together where we really lift each other up and support our business.  instead of me making money off of them, like many of the other corporations do in my industry.

and mom is in new york for another job interview.  with a cable company.  and it would be nice if she got it because then, hello, free cable/phone/internet when we move to new york.  but i'll be happy as long as she has a job that she's happy with.  she isn't really 100% cut out for working from home.  she's done it for a couple of years and excelled at it, but she'd prefer a more traditional office environment.  on the other hand, i love it.  i love working from home, not having anyone stand over my shoulder, setting my own schedule, all of it.

finally, i was bestowed another award by semi true torystellar at can u relate?.  it has cupcakes on it.  which means i now want to bake and eat cupcakes.  hmm... that is a good idea of what i can do today.

you can see it on my RESPEK KNUCKLES page.  i don't know that there were rules with this one.  i'ma be a greedy bitch today and keep it for myself.

that's right.  i'm not passing this cupcakey blog award on.  suck it.  it's mine now.

super free-form random association post

so i'm going to try something new today.  i'm going to work on this post all day long.  i will just open it back up and add new thoughts and concerns as they occur to me.

i spend almost all day in front of my computer, from about 9am to 5ish, sometimes later.  i work and attend school on this computer.  well, actually soon i'll be working on that computer (points about 20 inches to her right) but whatever.  so i'll be here all day, writing and thinking and working on two finals that are due by this sunday.  i'm basically done with both of them, but i'm an editing whore and can't leave well enough alone.

ANYWAY.

• have you ever noticed that your friend count on facebook is one less than it was yesterday?  and then do you scroll through all of your friends and try to figure out who left you, and what you did to make them unfriend you?  this drives me nuts.  i was at 130 just a couple of days ago, and today i have 129 and i have NO IDEA who unfriended me and it's driving me batty.
• does cooler weather make cats fucking nuts?  it's in the high 60s this morning in central florida, and i have all the windows open (i'm also wearing a sweater).  so the house is at 66 degrees according to my thermostat.  piglet and samantha are LOSING THEIR FUCKING MINDS.  they are zooming around, tails all puffed up, hiding behind things and pouncing on each other.  i mean, they play sometimes, but this is crazy.  UPDATE: it's almost two hours later, and they're still doing it.  i'm flabbergasted.
• it's only 13 days until the new harry potter movie comes out, and i may piss myself at any moment with excitement.  i tear up everfuckingtime i see a trailer because i know who dies in the first 78 pages of the book.  i will need tissues like woah.  also, i will soon embark on my tradition of rereading every harry potter book in order before a new movie comes out.  that's right, i'll complete all 7 books in the next 13 days.  i'm a super fast reader.
• the facilitator for my general studies class posted a question about what our biggest motivator is.  everyone is like 'my kids' or 'my mentally handicapped sister, who i've had to take care of since our mom was a drug addict' (not kidding on that one) and i haven't answered the question because i can't say 'my cats are the single biggest motivation in obtaining my degree'.  i really cannot say that.  plus, i don't even know that i want to be a teacher.  which is ironic, since i'm going for an associates degree in education.  i really want to do this for me.  people i cared about told me i'd never amount to anything more than a crazy, lying, stealing, addict.  and i believed them for a long time.  i'm doing this for ME.  because i want to prove to myself that i'm none of those things.  and since i'll have the degree, i think i might want to get involved with either the girl scouts or a program for gifted children.  maybe.  but mostly, i want to say i have a degree.
• now i'm shoveling reheated baked ziti in my face while trying not to reread my paper on the history of body piercing for the billionth time.  i have just asked facebook at large if someone will please proofread for me.  i have to stop obsessing over it, but i can't.  it's my first college level paper and i'm completely terrified by it.
• i have to load this ubuntu thing on my pc for my new job.  and it wasn't working the way i thought it would.  and it took too long.  and then i tried to start doing my pre-work for the training i start on monday and i can't find a bunch of it online and no one is answering my emails.  damn it.
• mom leaves for new york again on monday.  and will be back on wednesday.  she has another job interview.  once she gets a job, she'll move to new york and live with my dad, her ex-husband for a few weeks.  hahaha.  then mom and my brother will get an apartment to share for a while, until we sell this house and are ready to move to new york.  which hopefully will happen soon.

i kind of ran out of things to talk about.  so this post was kind of a failure.  all i know is that i forgot to take my medication last night, and it's like extended release, and i started feeling really shitty this afternoon.  sorry. 

lame.

it's not that i don't like babies, i just prefer crabs.

now i know that some of my friends may be reading this, and i'm not naming any names.  but if you are pregnant and reading this and may have just announced your pregnancy on facebook today, don't like take this personally.  i mean, no preggers people should take this personally.  i'm all for making babehs.  i like sex as much as the next gal.  seriously.

and i'm totally cool with our decision not to have babehs.  like, in my most calm, lucid, wise moments i know i do not want children.  awesome husband and i have discussed it at length.  i get angry when people ask us why we're waiting, or when we'll start a family.  i get super upset when family members assume i'll change my mind - 'oh, that's what (fill in whatever woman's name here) always said, and now look at her, she has two children!  you guys will change your minds'.

nothing is ever 100% certain - but we don't plan on changing our minds.  we. do. not. want. children.

so why am i super sad, sitting at my computer practically crying because another of my friends from high school announced her pregnancy?  can i tell you that i have 130 friends on facebook (and i actually know almost all of them in person - like 5 or 6 are co-workers or long-time internet buddies).

six of my friends on facebook are currently pregnant.  it seems like a lot, i guess.  and it's not that i'm not super happy for them - it's great that they are having children and are stoked about it.  but... i don't want kids.

right?  i decided i didn't want kids eleven years ago.  for eleven years i've known i don't want my own children.  for eleven years i've watched my sister-in-law and quite a few close friends have teeny babehs, which are super cute and i can buy adorable little things for - and then send them home with their parents.

i do not want children.  i have asked numerous times to have my plumbing removed (not to be gross and cross over that TMI line, but my plumbing is all kinds of fucked up already anyway, and we're not sure that it would even work properly).  awesome husband and i have had quite a few conversations about vasectomies and tubal ligations.  (i have refused to have a tubal because they will stick a needle in my belly button.  i promish, one day there will be a post about my issue with my belly button.  awesome husband is very non-commital about the vasectomy thing.  which makes me think he does want children and will eventually leave me to have them with someone else.  but that's the crazy talking.)

plus, with the amount of drugs that awesome husband and i (but mostly him) ingested between 1992 and 2000, i can't imagine that we'd even have an actual babeh.  i'd probably give birth to a fucking fish with wings or something like that.

is that biological clock that so many women claim to hear ticking that strong?  will my hormones really try to make my brain stop paying attention and make me want to have a babeh?

honestly, i have cats.  and i know, it's not the same as having children.  but samantha just jumped up on my desk, pushed my term paper and a binder to the floor, and settled down on my pile of bills.  she keeps hitting the mouse with her tail, which she is flicking around and there is cat hair everywhere.

why would i need children?

i suppose at 30.6 years old, my biological clock has started to metaphorically tick LIKE THIS.  either i'm getting a tubal soon, or awesome husband will have to suck it up and have a vasectomy.  fun times.  fun times.

although, this does explain why i was so INTENT on getting my hermit crabs last weekend.  the nurturing urge is stepping in and making me want to expand my family.

who's got a 20-gallon aquarium for me?

blessed samhain... that's halloween to most of you.

here we are at another halloween.  another october coming to an end.  target has fucking christmastime decorations up.  already.  seriously.  i was kind of shocked/pissed when i saw them today.  i mean IT'S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN YET technically.

so anyway, while i think halloween is pretty neat, because i like candy as much as the next person (except for awesome husband, he really doesn't like candy at all.  he doesn't cry at 'the lion king' either, and these are two examples of why i think he may be an android) and dressing up is kind of fun.  but it's not just a hallmark holiday full of candy and overpriced polyester costumes for the kids.  it's also one of our (re: neo-pagans) high holidays - samhain.  i could give you a long, interesting description of what it is and why we celebrate it, but i'm sure most of you don't care.

oh, you do?  really?

well, then, that's a different story.

neo-pagans have eight holidays spaced throughout the year.  four are at the equinoxes and the solstices, four are at right in between those.  we refer to the holidays as the wheel of the year.  each holiday that passes is like the wheel turning.  samhain is kind of like the end of our year - it's often called the witch's new year.  at samhain, we mark the death of the god.  and, yes, we have gods and goddesses, and a lot of it is kind of figurative to many neo-pagans.  the sun is very symbolic of the god (the moon of the goddess) and the days are shorter now, the sun shines less.  at samhain, the god dies and passes on - only to be reborn again at yule (the winter solstice).

i bet you'll end up hearing a bit about that as we get closer, due to my irrational dislike of people saying 'it's merry christmas NOT happy holidays' because the majority of this country is christian. 

ANYWAY.  history tells us that at this time of year, before the winter frosts moved in but after the harvests were done, many farmers would make sure they paid up all their debts - by october 31st.  so neo-pagans tend to make sure we are paid up karmically - that we don't owe anyone anything, physically or otherwise.  and of course it deals with the death of the god.  us pagans love death - because with every death there is a new beginning.  so at samhain, it's common to want to rid ourselves of things we don't want to bring into the new year.  writing bad habits on paper and tossing them into a cauldron of fire (or a barbecue pit, if you prefer) happens more often than you'd think.  many witches will work magick on samhain to help themselves overcome shit like that in the new year.  it's a time for cutting away that which is temporary and looking to the future.

actually, most of our holidays are like that.  huh.

another common tradition among pagans at samhain is to set an extra place at the table for those we've lost this year.  this is because at samhain and beltaine (may 1st - six months from now) we believe the veil between this world and the other are the thinnest - which is probably where the idea of dressing up came from.  what better way to hide them from the witches and ghosts than to dress your children up as witches and ghosts!  which means that halloween is more of a christian invention, really.  pagans didn't dress up for halloween.  personally, i actually find it a bit distasteful, but i'm a super annoying pagan rights lunatic. 

so while i will probably be handing out a few kit kats and hershey bars tomorrow, i'll also be meditating on the coming year, and the things that i will leave behind in this year.  i will look forward to the new seeds i will sow this coming spring.  we may even light up the ol' cauldron (yes, i do have one.  it's small though) and do some banishing work.  all acts of love and pleasure are her ritual - and i will know that i am of the goddess, and she keeps me as the wheel turns, and turns, and turns again.

brightest blessings for love and light in the coming year.  namaste.

these are a few of my favorite things

i keep having ideas for great blog posts.  but they're like serious.  first it was that body modification post.  now i'm thinking about that bitch from marie clare that wrote about being disgusted by 'fatties'.  because, hi, i'm a fatty, and i don't know ANYONE who is disgusted looking at me.  i have a wonderful and super sexy awesome husband who not only isn't disgusted by me, but bangs me regularly.  and has been doing so for over 13 years now.  my mom doesn't vomit in her mouth every time she looks at me.  i have lots of family and friends who can look at me without being disgusted.  i mean, i'm physically pretty healthy - at least, none of my physical issues stem directly from my weight.

i'm batshit crazy, but that doesn't have anything to do with my weight, either.

but this week has been full of ups and downs... but the downs haven't been too down.  so i'm feeling excited and happy and full of the awesome today.  mom had a great job interview in new york, and we're doing the positive thinking thing and acting like she already has the job (i bet she does, she rocks).  awesome husband and i had a couple of days to ourselves, which is nice sometimes.  i'm nearing the end of my first round of classes - at university of phoenix in the program i'm in, each class is nine weeks long, and the two i'm taking now end next week.  and.  andandand

AND

i got a new job!  i know, who even knew i wanted to go back to work?  well, i'm sick of not having any money and being super in debt.  I NEED A NEW IMAC and they is pricey.  also, once mom goes to new york, she may get an apartment with my brother for a while, and that will cost money.  which means she will no longer be contributing to this household.

anyway, it is funny how things happen.  i've been looking at arise's webpage for a while now (arise is the company i work with - they subcontract me to other companies to provide customer support/sales/service from home, aka homeshoring) thinking about getting back to work.  most of the contracts only require 15-20 hours a week - i could do that, and make an extra $150+ a week.  so i've had that in my mind for a couple of weeks.  a friend that i have from the days of working that selling-things-and-chatting job was chatting with me and mentioned someone we used to work with.  and it got me thinking, well, why can't i email her and say 'hello' and pick her brain, see if she knows of anything coming up that i might be a good fit for?

so i did just that.  and she recommended that i email someone who used to be over us, so to speak.  so i did just that.  and she emailed me back right away with a suggestion.  this was at 1pm yesterday.

at 12:10pm today, i got a call with an awesome job offer with a new client that arise has taken on.  and instead of me chatting with customers and selling shit, i will be helping other contractors do that!  so, when they are on a call with a customer who needs help, if they (the contractor) have a question, they ask me - IN A CHAT ROOM!  i don't even need to reconnect my phone line!

i told my father, and he had to point out that god put it in my friend's ear to mention the person we used to work with.  i'm sure that friend is reading this now, so thanks :D  i may not believe in the same god as everyone else, or a christian god at all, but i DO NOT believe in coincidences.  thanks, dollface :D

AND - yes, there's even more, another AND!! - i had my crazy doctors/drug dealer appointment yesterday.  he thinks i may be entering a remission phase for my craziness!  my medications make me a little tired, but are working well.  i'm not suicidal.  i don't have obsessive thoughts.  i don't get as anxious or have the panic attacks now that i have the tarzipan.  it's not like the world is a jolly, happy place and all my problems disappeared - but now i feel like i can handle them.

so, in celebration of this bucket of awesomeness, i am going to share a list of things i fucking like.  in no particular order.

• ska music.  i found a new station on itunes radio called 'last rockers radio' and i'm in love with it.
• cats.  they are furry and purry and cute and loveable and awesome and warm.  even if mine have herpes/kidney failure/no sense of smell/no hearing.
• cold fronts.  it will ONLY be 80 degrees this weekend for samhain/halloween.  i dislike florida.
• the venture bros.  we purchased the new season 4.1 on tuesday when it was released.  it's super great.  i FUCKING LOVE the venture bros.  awesome husband wants a venture bros. tattoo. i'm not so sure.  of course, my next tattoo is going to be the mushroom and invincible star from super mario bros.  woah - we both want tattoos of things with 'bros.' in them.  epic.
• sprinkles.  i got sugar cones for ice cream, and have been dumping sprinkles on my ice cream cones.  i have chocolate and rainbow sprinkles.  i love sprinkles.  they are delicious.
• tarzipan.  it's delicious, stops my anxiety/panic attacks, and makes me able to function outside of my home.  awesome.
• debate.  discussion.  some might call it 'arguing'.  but they can go fuck themselves.
• baseball.  specifically the new york mets.  please, no heckling.  just deal with it.
• new york.  i completely, totally miss new york and cannot wait to move back there. 

there you have it.  a completely useless list of crap that no one else really cares about.  but that's fine, because i care about it.  now i have to go figure out how to convince awesome husband to go out for dinner on a weeknight to celebrate my new job.

a serious post about body modification.

i know, a SERIOUS post here?

sisterfromanothermister had posted on facebook about these videos, and it reminded me about how much i fucking hate them.  i hate these videos and i hate the stereotypes that accompany being modified.

for my new readers and to spark other's memories, i am modified.  i have both of my nostrils pierced, two lower lip piercings (one on each side), and my ear lobes stretched to 6g, or 4mm.  i have nine tattoos, on my upper arms, legs, back, shoulder, and neck.  one is always visible, another is usually visible.  i also have pink and orange hair.  which is awesome.  but not really considered a modification by most people.

i am going to link to both of these videos here.  the piercing one does show an actual lip piercing, so if you're super squeamish about needles, you might want to skip it.







okay.  now i will be the first to say that i think that chick has a few too many piercings on her face, but guess what?  it's not my face.  so it's not my decision.  i personally wouldn't have that many.  but i think she's beautiful and unique and being true to herself.  i think the guy with all the tattoos is amazing.  his body is truly a canvas and he too is beautiful and being true to himself.

HOWEVER the 'organization' that posted these videos is using them in an anti-binge drinking campaign with the slogan 'some people just don't know when to stop'.

so they are comparing BINGE DRINKING with HEAVY BODY MODIFICATION.

while it is true that there can be health complications with some body modification, there is no way that it is anywhere NEAR as harmful to people as binge drinking.  my piercings and tattoos do NOT directly affect anyone except me.  binge drinking can affect not only the drinker, but those around them - friends, family, etc.  and forget about if they get in a car - they are basically a fucking accident waiting to happen.

i guess i felt the need to share this for a few reasons.  one is to prove that not all modified people are the same - we are typically stereotyped into young people with psychotic disorders, young people trying to be different and/or fit in, bikers, oddballs, freaks, what have you.  many of us are mostly normal people, living the same kind of life that you are, just with a couple of extra holes in our bodies.  there is no reason to change tables and not sit near us.  i have personally experienced shit like that more times than i care to count.  at diners, awesome husband and i have been seated in the noisy teenager section, i'm sure because of how we look, and we are quiet, courteous adults who should not have to put up with that bullshit.  we too are paying customers and are capable of acting like adults instead of hyenas on fucking crack.

videos like this just do more to make modified people look more like outsiders, like we're crazy (i mean, i AM crazy, but that hasn't anything to do with my modifications) or dangerous.  it fucking EQUATES US TO BINGE DRINKERS.

let me know what you think.  i know i'm overly sensitive to shit like this, but still.  does knowing about my piercings and tattoos change how you feel about what i write?  or make you look at me in a different way?  do you find yourself looking at or treating modified people differently?  SHARING TIME!

new award!

that's right, i got me a shiny new award!  it's called the gold framed dog blog award and i received it from semi true torystellar at can u relate?.  remember, you can see all my (two) awards on the RESPEK KNUCKLES! page.

now, apparently i'm supposed to pass this on to five other bloggers.  and i will do so now.

i would like to bestow this honor upon my aunt motherfucking becky at mommy wants vodka.  because, OBVIOUSLY.  she completely and totally deserves it.

i also would love to give it to my sextastic blogcrush the barreness at hello, sailor!.  she is delicious and wonderful and lovely.

annah over at red means go! is always, always, always on the list for any blog award because she makes me laugh and think and cry laughing and wish i was just a bit latina most days.

tiffany writes on the verge, and honestly writes much less about diarrhea than she claims.  but is still hysterically funny.

and finally, nicki at the loaded handbag has this great mix of photos, life, humor, sarcasm, thought-provocation, and northeasterner that makes me happy in the pants. 

OMG ALL OF YOU HAVE WON THIS AMAZING BLOG AWARD!  i'll probably pester the hell out of all of you to come pick it the fuck up.

please know you deserve this adorable goggie-themed golden award.

pass it the fuck on to five other awesome blogs, please. 

ALSO.  thanks to a suggestion from reader and fellow blogger semi true torystellar, i will grow too big for my britches and give out my OWN blog award in the near future.  expect ridiculous rules and the threat of blog stalking and tormenting if you are awarded it.  it will be epic. 

epic.

ALSO ALSO.  i promish to have a new, useful, meaningful blog up and running soon.  possibly TODAY.  how productive!

i hope this doesn't make you jealous.

my mom has a job interview in new york, which is awesome because we kind of needs jobs in new york before we can like, sell the house and move back there.  so she's taking a bit of a last minute trip to new york from today until wednesday.  she stays with my dad.  they would have JUST celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary yesterday, if they hadn't gotten divorced 24 years ago. 

i love my family.  on one hand, it's like the worst soap opera EVAH.  on the other hand, it's fucking awesome and we all really care about each other and support each other.

so awesome husband and i woke up early to drive mom to the airport, and since we were out we decided we should go to epcot for some more food and wine fun.  which it was - fun.  we love the epcot food and wine festival.

grilled beef skewer with chimichurri sauce and boniato puree, argentina



kielbasa and potato pierogies with caramelized onions and sour cream, poland



awesome husband with my frozen margarita, mexico

flavors of africa - salad, bread, and spreads, south africa

big bumbly bee in germany

bison chili with wild mushrooms, cabernet, and pepper jack cheese, united states

taste of spain - serrano ham, chorizo, manchego cheese, olives, and tomato bread, spain

canadian cheddar cheese soup and moosehead ale, canada

since we're passholders, we'll go back when it's not as fucking busy/hot and hit up a few other countries.  i still need bunratty meade from ireland, more souvlaki and spanakopita from greece, and a few other tidbits that are too delicious for words.

i also have to point out that after we hit the US of A, we walked towards japan to find a shady spot to sit and eat our bison chili.  i found the ONLY wet bench in all of epcot and had to walk around for an hour or so looking like i pissed my pants.

things that really crumble my cinnamon coffee cake.

i made a delicious (boxed) cinnamon coffee cake yesterday. DELICIOUS.  and i was enjoying it's orgasmic cinnamony sweetness when i noticed a facebook friend had posted a link to a youtube video about glenn beck's 8/28 'restoring honor' event.

don't worry, i'm not getting all glenn-beck-hatey on you today.  this is not a political cake-crumbling.

it's a religious one.

which is SO much better, i know.

ANYWAY.  the airspace over much of d.c. is restricted, including over the washington monument and mall area.  where the 'restoring honor' event was taking place.  however, a flock of geese flew over the mall during the event, and many people are taking this as a sign that god himself is 'pleased with our efforts to maintain truth and freedom for america.'

huh.  feel free to click or not click.  there are tons of different videos of this on youtube, but this is the one i saw.

many of the videos of the goose 'flyover' mention that it's the hand of god.  it's not a coincidence.  that god knows that the majority of this country is christian and trying to bring the country as a whole back to god.  etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.  insert whatever far right, superchristian bollocks you prefer.

please consider my numbered list as to why these geese are NOT demonstrating anything about a christian god, nor his/her approval/disapproval for glenn beck, christianity, washington d.c., republicans, democrats, etc.

1.  the area between the lincoln memorial and the washington monument is a long, straight, fairly open area.  so the winds there are probably really fun for birds to fly in.  the topography and buildings could cause air thermals and shit like that.  and seriously, even if it didn't, that is an epic flight path for any bird to take.

2.  these are CANADIAN geese.  even if a christian god was all like, 'dude, glenn beck is ON POINT and totally right, AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!' would he, in all his infinite wisdom and awesomeness, send some kind of AMERICAN bird to fly over?  preferably a bald eagle?  or at the very least, a flock of seagulls or pigeons?  some bird that is not specifically NAMED after a country that is not america?  

3.  also, geese like water.  there is a HUGE reflecting pool there.  maybe there were on their way migrating somewhere (not unheard of, that migration thing) and remembered there was a sweet ass spot to stop for a rest and a drink.  and changed their minds when they saw the people.  probably not, but i love canadian geese and like to think that they think like me.  HOWEVER.  geese fly in formation like that while migrating.  and canadian geese migrate north to south, stopping in the summer where it's cooler and stopping in the winter where it is warmer.  they do not have specific migratory paths or places they stop - it's different for each group of geese.  i think it's pretty obvious that these geese were on their way somewhere fun.

4.  if a christian god sends flocks of geese over places where things are going on that he approves of... like, if he specifically sent those geese to fly over the rally to say 'CHRISTIAN GOD APPROVED', then he TOTALLY loved my pagan handfasting/wedding.

that's right.  you might know i'm a pagan (and if you didn't, now you do) or witch or neo-pagan or whatever.  when i married awesome husband just over six years ago (our anniversary was like two weeks ago) we had an outdoor ceremony by a lake at sunset, because we're pagans.  we like shit like that.  we had a handfasting, which is basically a pagan wedding and our hands were tied together and i think it was really awesome and moving and even our 'enthusiastic' christian guests (read: born again) thought it was a touching ceremony (and didn't even question the 'god and goddess' thing).  

so, here we are, all pagan and shit, being handfasted and not believing in a christian god.  when a few geese fly over our wedding ceremony, honking the whole way, and land on the other side of the lake.  

SCORE!  CHRISTIAN GOD APPROVED MY NON-CHRISITAN/PAGAN WEDDING!

i'd like to see the religious glenn-beckers stick that in their pipes and smoke it (legally, of course).

in sort of related news, i also prayed to christian god in church about my religious future days before i came to paganism.  i was raised christian, and truly believe it's all the same shit with different names.  i went to church and knelt and prayed with all my heart because what the church was telling me just wasn't making sense and didn't feel right.  i had studied some other religions, mainly paganism and wicca, and asked christian god to show me what path i was supposed to be on, what path would sit well with me and give me comfort and allow me to try and experience life and love the way i was supposed to.  mere days later, someone handed me the book 'living wicca' by scott cunningham and before i even opened the book, it just FELT like a sign.  if you've never been aware of having a 'prayer' answered, it's a hard feeling to describe.  but i felt at that moment like christian god was telling me, 'dude, you're right - it's all the same.  this is the path that will resonate with you.'

and christian god, in his infinite wisdom and awesomeness, was right.

bet you didn't see that one coming, did you?  i have no problems with christianity - it's just not for me.  the problem i have with some christians is that they are not christians - they do not live as christ would have.  they are mean and hateful and judgemental, and what is worse is that they use their 'christian' values as a way to continue being mean and hateful and judgmental.

/endrant.

anyway, i have to go finish up my paper on the origins on body piercing.  deadlines and all that.  mom's going to new york for a job interview and she leaves tomorrow.  so tonight i'll be helping her pack and making sure that everything's good to go and quite possibly having a few drinks.

and eating more cinnamon coffee cake.

the stranger

do you ever feel alone?  i mean, really.  i know the stupid commercials about depression and anxiety where they're like 'do you ever feel alone in a crowded room?'

but do you?  have you ever actually been in a room full of people and felt completely alone?  have you been sitting around the dinner table with your family and felt like there was no one there?  have you sat on the couch watching television with your significant other and felt like they weren't in the same room as you, or even on the same planet?

do you ever think that everyone is going to leave you eventually?  not just through death or moving away or normal things like that.  but that everyone you have shared anything with is going to desert you?  friends that you've shared good times and bad with.  significant others that you've shared the deepest, most intimate parts of yourself with.  parents who seem to love and support you.

the friends will eventually give up on you and stop returning your calls.  the significant others will eventually get fed up with your bullshit and leave.  the parents will throw up their hands and finally say 'i don't know what to do anymore' and ignore your cries for help.

anxiety and nervousness are healthy for many people.  if you didn't worry about walking down the dark alleyway, you wouldn't be aware of the bad things that may happen.  you wouldn't know that you even NEED to protect yourself in any way.  many people perform well with deadlines, or pre-test nervousness.  they are natural human feelings and we all experience them.  if someone tells you 'i never worry' then they are either lying through their teeth or they're a fucking robot.

for some people, anxiety and nervousness are crippling.  they wake up worrying.  they spend their day worrying.  they worry themselves to sleep.  they write an email and obsess over the tone of it.  they pick up the phone to return a call and repeatedly put it back in it's cradle, trying to map out the multiple ways the phone call could go in their head so that they are prepared for every eventuality.  they dive into a panic if their significant other calls to tell them they'll be late with no excuse other than 'work'.  they compulsively check that stoves are off, doors are locked, bank accounts have not been hacked into, the phone has a dial tone, the cell is charged, the surge protector is on and not under a pile of dust which could potentially cause a fire, the can of gas in the garage for the lawn mower is not in danger of spontaneously combusting, and the guy across the street is not peering in the window casing the house.

for some people, anxiety goes hand in hand with obsessiveness.  they may count things.  the steps between the couch and the bathroom.  the seconds while peeing.  the heartbeats while waiting for water to boil.  words on a page.  vowels in the words.  just the letter 't'.  spaces.  prepositions.

on the same page.

you would think that people who are obsessive and anxious like this, checking and counting and rechecking, would be terrifically focused.

you would think wrong.  they may be very focused on SOME things, but they can be terribly scatterbrained on other things.  they may never remember to take meat out of the freezer.  never check the mail.  never pay that one bill on time, even if all the others get paid in time every month.  no matter how many times you tell them to turn off the computer, they will never remember.  and when you point it out to them, they may say 'oh, right, thanks - i forgot' but inside they are screaming in frustration.

on the outside, they may seem like pretty normal, slightly eccentric people.  when you tell say 'i'll call you back later' they say 'okay' but really think that means that you hate them and never want to talk to them again.  they might seem a little ditzy, when you say 'i thought we made plans for this saturday' they'll say 'oh, you're right - i'll forget my own head next!' and laugh, when inside they are shouting at them self about how stupid and unworthy they are.  they may be able to hold a job, make dinner, take care of their family, keep a house clean, drive a car, and appear to be a productive member of society.

they are not.

we all have a face that we hide away forever, and we take them out and show ourselves when everyone has gone - billy joel, 'the stranger'.


i don't think that billy was talking about being crazy in this song.  but these people that i'm talking about, these anxious, nervous worriers - this describes them.  they wear one face, a mask, when they are with other people, interacting in the world. trying to be 'normal'.  and they hide their real face.

no matter how much you know about mental illness, no matter how much you think you know your crazy loved one, no matter how much you think you can understand or empathize or love or care for or whatever -

you will never see that face.

UPDATE: to the person who unfollowed my blog within hours after i posted this blog, i feel pity for you that you're too delicate of a flower to see the disgusting, dirty shit that is mental illness.  if this is the case, i'm glad you unfollowed me, asshat.

OR i feel empathy for you if you're too delicate to read about the disgusting, dirty shit that is mental illness because you too are suffering.  if that's the case, please come back and take the journey with me.

more harry potterville?! yes.

so awesome husband and i revisited harry potterville on saturday morning.  sadly, the parks are still fucking busy around here, and i want all of you tourists to go the fuck home for a week so i can have my parks back.  we rode the forbidden journey again, which i was still slack jawed and goggle eyed for.  we rode dragon challenge again.  twice.  we stopped in honeyduke's and zonko's, but the lines for the shops were 40+ minutes long. 

so then i rode the hulk again, which is quickly becoming my second favorite roller coaster (first is still expedition: everest over at disney's animal kingdom, and probably will always be number one).  and then we did the cat in the hat, which was cute but a bit lame, to be honest.  so we hopped over to universal studios and did shrek 4d, which was like a super sensory overload and i don't think i can ride it again without more tarzipan or unless they have stationary seats.  it's a theater, like a movie theater, but the seats buck around a bit.  not really fun.  and then we hit up the simpsons ride.  but there were long waits for lots of rides, so we kept it simple and got home by 3pm.  much of the rest of the weekend was spent watching the venture brothers or being in bed, and apparently my sloth-like tendencies are out in force this week because i finally dragged myself out of bed at 10:30 and am ready to get back in bed three hours later, to snuggle down with a book and/or to watch harry potter.

instead i figured i'd work on a blog post and try to be 'responsible'.  ish.  in the interest of full disclosure, i feel the need to share that i am not wearing real pants, just a super old grungy pair of yoga pants.  and no shoes.  enjoy more photos of harry potterville, and i promish to pull up my big girl panties and have a proper post at some point this week, tarzipan be damned.

hogwarts castle

a closeup of hogwarts

inside honeydukes



cute glass jars with candies - they were reasonably priced from about $6 and up.  it's not just a sticker, either - it's imprinted on the glass.  i think the price is worth the jar itself!



chocolate frog.  i did not purchase one this time, since they're $10 and i'm a cheap bitch.

ton-tongue toffee

very cute peppermint toads

i really don't remember this from any of the books, but it looks DELICIOUS

a chocolate wand.  dark chocolate.  cute.

this is a HUGE chocolate frog in the front window of honeydukes.  it croaks from time to time. 

front window of zonko's shop

u-no-poo - the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!  SHENANIGANS!

that's right.  i'm calling shenanigans on u-no-poo.  if you remember, fred and george weasley invent and market u-no-poo from their shop, weasley wizarding wheezes.  it was not ever carried in zonko's.  if you've read the books, you'll know that zonko's closes down after voldemort returns.  so i am terrifically justified in my calling of shenanigans on zonko's.  incidentally, the store is very small and maze-like, and also sells pygmy puffs, which are larger than i expected.  and also, pink.

the three broomsticks

vat of butterbeer.... yummmmm

 this time, the frozen butterbeer was working, so awesome husband and i ordered one of each.  the frozen butterbeer is DELICIOUS.  still like a butterscotch-y cream soda kind of taste, but the consistency of a slushy.  and it gives you an INSTANT brain freeze.  we have no idea why, but i am speculating here that it's because it tastes really yummy and you hold it in your mouth for a bit, and it's in contact with the roof of your mouth for too long - which is what causes a brain freeze.  i don't care, though.  it's delicious.

another shot of a bustling hogsmeade village

now i have one more photo to share.  it is not from harry potterville, but from universal studios - where they have halloween horror nights.  they put out lots of props and shit from horror movies.  i found this on one of the streets of new york.  awesome husband and i recognized it right away, but it's been on my facebook since saturday night now and no one has noticed it.  so i figured i'd post it here to see if anyone else recognizes it.

i know what this is... do you?

i'd love to say i have a prize for whoever identifies it first.  or some kind of giveaway for people who comment with the correct answer.  but i don't really have anything worth sharing.  except my tarzipan, and there are strict laws in place about stuff like that.  if you have an idea of something i can give you, that costs like nothing, and i can give to you over the internet... well, let me know with your comment and correct answer.  things like 'photos of your bewbz' or 'your real name' or 'your list of passwords' will not be considered.  obviously.  but get creative and i'll see what i can do.